Just a little time waster, set during the final volume of
the manga, with elements taken from the anime as well.
"Ukyo's Diary"
A Ranma 1/2 fan fiction by Dave Menard
Ranma characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Viz
inc. and are used here only for the purposes of amusement,
with no attempt to make a profit, yadda yadda yadda...
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Dear Diary...
-------------
They took Akane today.
Actually, it was a bit of a relief. Not that I wish the
tomboy any real harm, but the last few weeks have been filled
with a sort-of slowly building tension, like I was waiting for
the other shoe to drop.
Mr. Tendo bawled his fool head off, like usual, Kasumi
said "oh my!" and Nabiki upped all her prices again. You could
tell they were fairly upset. Me? I just shrugged, knowing it
had only been a matter of time.
'Natsu-chan was the one who told me about it, said that a
whole flock of crows carried her off. Weirder than usual, ne?
He'd been spying on the Tendo Dojo again, even though I asked
him nicely not to. (Still, it's nice to see he's finally
taking the initiative to do something of his own volition for
a change. That's good. If he grows enough spine, I can finally
let the poor kid down easy and not worry about destroying
him.) Ah, well. I suppose it was only a matter of time,
anyway.
I hate to say it, but the fact that Ran-chan ran off to
save the _bonbori-bimbo_ off all people kind of had me
rankled. I mean, really! Like she's ever _needed_ saving. Just
'cause I hate her gaijin guts doesn't mean I can't give credit
where it's due. Shampoo is one tough cookie. Plus, why didn't
he just let poor ol' Mousse take a whack at rescuing her by
himself? At least _he_ really loves the bubblehead...
I'll betcha those crows were working for the same folks
who ran off with Shampoo. Does this mean someone'll try to
kidnap me too? It'd fit the idiom... "Evil badguy arrives and
makes off with one or more of Ranchan's fiancees" is almost
routine 'round here. Kodachi's not around either, so who
knows? Oh, sure, she's not a real fiancee, but the typical
villain doesn't make distinctions like that. If they did,
_I'd_ be the one who'd be swiped every other week. Geez, like
_that's_ an appealing prospect. Sometimes the stupidity of
Ran-chan's enemies is a blessing.
Gotta go to school now, more later. Ja Ne!
***
Ate lunch with Sayuri, Yuka, Hi and Dai today. Felt like
a fifth wheel, with all the flirting going on. 'Natsu-chan
popped by. I shooed him home, but not before he managed to
start about a dozen rumours by delivering an ultra-kawaii
bento to me, like I needed a lunch. The kunoichi is beginning
to get on my nerves.
Talked to Nabiki today, found out why Ran-chan _really_
went off to China again. Turns out something's going on in
Jusenkyo, and he doesn't want to lose a chance to get cured.
That makes a lot more sense. Nabiki was acting funny again
today, guess she misses Akane. Either that, or the fact that
her two greatest sources of revenue have disappeared has got
her rattled. Resolved to invite her over for a poker game
sometime this week for something to do. It's getting kind of
lonely 'round here.
Kuno dropped by the restaurant for a snack after kendo
club practice this afternoon. Actually spent a while chatting
with him while 'Natsu-chan and that little toady of Kuno's,
Sasuke something-or-other, were talking shop. Guess those
ninja-types don't get much of a chance to network and all,
since they seemed pretty engrossed. Like me, the Kunoster was
feeling a bit out of sorts since the better part of our "gang"
was out of town. Found out Kodachi's "off in Osaka this week
visiting relatives", (read: she's in the bin again for more
therapy) that's why she hasn't been around. Huh. Kuno asked me
out and gave me a token fondle, but it was more-or-less out of
reflex, I could tell. I smacked him around for a bit and we
both felt better.
I miss Ran-chan. I miss Akane, and Ryoga and Mousse. I
even miss Shampoo. Ah, crud, this is getting maudlin. I'm
going to bed.
I wonder if Sasuke knows that Konatsu is a guy?
***
Saw Kasumi at the market today when I was picking up a
crate of fresh cabbage. Sweet girl. She invited me over for
tea, so I took her up on it. I think she misses the craziness
almost as much as I do. We talked recipes for a couple of
hours. Sparred with Tendo-san in the dojo, just to keep in
shape. He's pretty good for an old guy, must've really been
something in his younger days. I could tell he misses the old
panda-bastard Genma, since he even tried to get me to sit down
and play a game of shogi. I really like the Tendos, they're
good people. I think if it wasn't for the whole thing with
Ran-chan, we could be friends. Invited Nabiki over for poker
tomorrow night. She seemed surprised at the invite. Wonder
why? It's not like I hate her or anything...
Thumped Kuno at school this morning. It was almost fun.
We were both smiling by the end of it. He's a pretty good
sparring partner, even if those dumb-ass speeches are enough
to make you want to break his jaw.
'Natsu-chan was out tonight with Sasuke. Weird. Ninja
solidarity, or something else? Pretty sure 'Natsu-chan doesn't
swing that way, but the kid's so screwed up, who knows?
Sasuke's a little strange anyway, wouldn't surprise me if he
buttered his bread on that side. I've got a fairly good gay-
dar, what with going to an all-boys school for a few years.
Hmm.
Ran-chan's still not back yet. Should I worry? Go after
him? Never been to China... Nahh. He's all right. Has to be.
***
Poker night! Invited Kuno, so Nabiki and I could clean
him out. Hi and Dai dropped by too, since Sayuri and Yuka were
having a "girl's night". Konatsu sat in on a couple of hands
before taking off with Sasuke again. Kuno noticed it too, but
he doesn't know about Konatsu's gender dysfunction, so he just
whipped out his fan and proclaimed it a good match. Nabiki
chuckled and said they made a cute couple. Hi and Dai looked a
little green.
Nabiki flirted shamelessly with Kuno all night. She was
wearing that little off-the-shoulder crop top and kept leaning
forward, giving Blue Thunder peeks down the front. He
pretended not to notice, but I spotted a minor nosebleed at
one point. Hi and Dai snuck a peek here and there themselves.
Not to be outdone, I flirted a little bit myself. Needless to
say, Nabiki and I came out ahead by a couple thousand yen
apiece. Heheheheh....
***
Kasumi dropped by today with news. Ryoga sent a postcard
to Akane at the Dojo, guess they haven't run into her over
there yet. Apparently, those bird-people are messing with the
Jusenkyo springs so that their king can be crowned, or
something like that. The two of us dropped by the Nekohanten
to pass the news on to Cologne. She was glad to hear it, since
she was worried about Shampoo and Ran-chan. And Mousse, a
little. I think. The old bag's hard to read. Of course, I
think she knew more about these Phoenix Mountain folks than
she was letting on, but that's just par for the course with
her, isn't it?
School is getting strange. The Big Kahuna's been awfully
quiet without Ran-chan to kick around, and Miss Hinako's been
stuck in child-form for a while. It's actually been kind of
surreal. Ate lunch with Nabiki and her minions today. She's
pretty cool. Hi and Dai came by and paid her a little hush
money to keep quiet about their perverted behaviour last night.
She took the cash, but she'd already told Sayuri and Yuka this
morning. She didn't tell the boys this, of course. Heh.
Happosai popped by during fourth period to raid the
locker room, so we all had a nice little workout chasing him
around the quad. Some prettyboy showed up after school looking
for him, but left after Nabiki filled him in on the situation
(for a nominal fee, of course).
***
Talked with Konatsu about Sasuke last night. As I
suspected, Sasuke's in the dark about his "girlfriend's" true
gender. I warned him that if he didn't tell Sasuke, I would.
He got all bitchy at that point. I'll admit, it startled me,
so I snapped at him. Bad idea. It looked like he'd finally
managed to grow a backbone. We had a big fight, and now I'm
short a roommate. Not that I care. I mean, Konatsu's useless
in the kitchen, and he's a pervert, and so clingy, and...
Ah, who am I fooling? I miss the weirdo. It's kinda nice
to have someone to come home to, even if it's just a roomie.
I'll apologise tomorrow. I suppose I should be glad he's found
someone else to chase after.
That prettyboy showed up at school again looking for
Happosai. Still don't know his name, but I know he's a prick.
Called me a crossdressing dyke. I was all set to pound him,
but Kuno of all people stepped between us and told him off.
Prettyboy pounded him into okonomiyaki. Prettyboy's good. Very
good. Better than me, much as it bugs me to admit it. I was
going to take a whack at him anyway, but Happosai bounced by
and the prettyboy took off after him. I was gonna ask Nabs
about him, she knows everybody, but she was busy all day
cramming for the placement exams.
Dropped by the Nekohanten for tea and sympathy with
Cologne. She's a pretty cool old bat, providing you're not
standing between her and the completion of some scheme or
another. I get the feeling she likes me, even if her great-
granddaughter and I hate each other's guts. She keeps dropping
hints about how I'd make a good Amazon. A nice compliment, I
guess, but I think she's angling to set me up with Mousse or
something. Ick.
I miss Ran-chan. A lot. I hope he comes home soon.
***
Found out from Kuno that Konatsu's shacked up with Sasuke
at the Mansion. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I tried
to sound out Kuno on how he felt about it, but he's as
clueless as ever. He went on for twenty minutes about how the
Sarugakure clan has a long and illustrious lineage surpassed
only by that of the Kunos. What a dumb-ass. Looks like I'm
going to have to tell Sasuke myself. I'm not looking forward
to _that_ conversation.
It's a day for answers, I guess. Found out about the
prettyboy. His name's Pantyhose, he first showed up a couple
of months ago while I was out of town on business, which
explains how I never heard of this guy. By all accounts, he's
really, really tough, possibly tougher than Ran-chan. Of
course, that's baloney, no one's tougher than my Ran-chan, but
still...
If he ever calls me a dyke again, I'll kick his ass.
Kuno hit on me, again. Pounded him, again. Nabiki got all
huffy. Don't know why...
I miss Konatsu. And Ran-chan. This apartment is too
empty, maybe I should advertise for a new roommate.
***
Popped by the Kuno compound today, but the ninja duo
weren't there. Kodachi was, though, so we had it out for a
while. Bitch dosed me with something, feel lousy. Turning in
early tonight.
***
Sick. Threw up until the dry heaves started. Suppose I
should call a doctor, but I'm too tired. Do it tomorrow. Sleep
now.
***
It's been a week since my last entry. Woke up in Tofu's
clinic, don't remember how I got here. Tofu was sympathetic as
usual, but he told me I should try to get some more rest.
Ranchan's still not back yet. The spring break's started,
and I was hoping we could head to Hokkaido for a training trip
and (knock on wood) a little snuggling. Looks like another
missed opportunity.
***
Kuno came to visit me today. Found out that Konatsu and
Sasuke found me that night and took me to the hospital.
'Natsu-chan's still staying at the Kunos, and Kodachi's back
in the squirrel farm for the time being. Kuno asked me not to
press charges. I agreed, not that I planned on involving the
cops. We martial artists prefer to settle things ourselves,
anyways.
The Tendos visited too. Kasumi brought me some nice soup,
and Nabiki filled me in on how the Giants were doing in the
pre-season. Looks like another winning year. Played a round of
shogi with Mr. Tendo. The old fart cheats worse than the
Gambling King. Still no word from Ran-chan, guess the gang's
not near any post offices.
***
Doc Tofu says I can go home tomorrow. Hi, Dai, Sayuri and
Yuka popped by around four this afternoon to chat, brought me
the assignments that were due after the break. Cologne swung
by with one of her potions, said it'd help me recover. Haven't
heard from 'Natsu-chan yet, but the duty nurse said that a
pretty young lady in a kimono slept outside my door last
night. That was sweet of him.
***
Re-opened the restaurant today. The customers were glad
to see me, even Mr. Tanaka, who always complains that I don't
give large enough portions. Found out that Konatsu taped Iron
Chef for me, he left the tape on top of the TV. Whatta guy.
Still hasn't shown up in person, though. Got to apologise for
what I said the other day.
The gang from Furinkan showed up after school and hung
out for a bit. Kuno didn't hit on me, out of respect for my
weakened state. That, and the fact that Nabiki was hanging off
him and pulling the old peek-of-cleavage trick. Guess she does
like to moron, after all. Shame, she could do better.
It's really weird. Everybody's all coupled up around
here, except for me. Hi's got Sayuri, Dai's got Yuka, Kuno's
got Nabs, (whether he knows it or not) even Konatsu's got
somebody, even if it makes me turn green. I really, _really_
miss Ran-chan. Hope he's all right.
***
Damn it.Damnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnit,
I SUCK!
Talked to Konatsu today, made a complete idiot of myself.
Turns out that he and Sasuke aren't an item, after all. Serves
me right for jumping to conclusions. Konatsu actually yelled
at me. He was really insulted, said I knew that he was hetero,
Sasuke's just a friend, etc. Turns out that 'Natsu-chan is
just helping Sasuke brush up on his skills, and they both like
the company. I'm such a jackass. I can at least take comfort
in the fact that I'm no the only one who jumped to the
conclusion that something funny was going on. Then again, that
means I'm as easily fooled as Kuno. Disturbing thought.
Pantyhose-prettyboy was back today, but left before I
could tear a strip off him. Kuno made all nice with me, even
copped a feel and started a scrap. It was a nice try, but I
still left feeling edgy and wired. Need to spar with SOMEbody,
ANYbody. I wish Shampoo was back.
***
Fought with Pantyhose today. BIG mistake. I'm in a lot of
pain right now, but at least he knows he was in a fight. I'm
going to take a nap now, more later.
Just got off the phone with Nabiki. GOOD NEWS!!!! RAN-
CHAN IS BACK!!!!! WAI!
More later. gotta go greet my fiance!
***
Gotta do something, gotta do SOMEthing. I can't just LET
this happen! Ran-chan doesn't want her, he wants ME! Damn
them, I thought they were so nice, then they turn around and
do THIS!!! At least Nabiki warned me in time. Gotta remember
to keep her clear.
Kuno, Shampoo, Mousse and Cologne are on their way over
here. Something's gotta be done!
***
STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDST
UPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT did NOT go well. I think Ran-chan's mad at me.
Konatsu's coming to put me to bed. I just want to hide under
the covers and not come out. Ever.
How could they do this to me? This sucks SO badly.
Maximum suckage.
***
Not getting out of bed. I'm just gonna sit here and eat
senbei and Pocky 'till I explode. Nabiki called, but I let the
machine take it. She sounded a little guilty, I think. Konatsu
keeps trying to get me up, but I won't. I'm never getting out
of bed again.
Unless I need to pee.
***
Shampoo of all people came by to jolly me up today. It
was too strange. Somehow, I just couldn't summon up enough
willpower to get mad. Ryoga turned up in the bathroom at some
point, so we ended up sitting in front of the TV all day,
eating Pocky and senbei. The world is a cold and lonely place.
***
Did something stupid again last night. I think. Ryoga was
in my bed this morning when I woke up. I don't THINK anything
happened, but...
Ryoga wandered off around noon while my back was turned.
It's just as well, I don't really want to know one way or the
other what happened last night. He kept on moaning about how
he betrayed Akari, the stupid hypocrite. Like sleeping in
Akane's bed as a pig doesn't count. I think he's convinced
something DID happen. Best never to speak of this again.
***
Ran-chan came by to visit today. I was too depressed to
speak, so he just talked at me for half an hour or so.
Amazingly, he wasn't mad, said that he'd pretty much expected
something like this to happen. He didn't apologise to me for
trying to marry Akane, though.
I think Ran-chan's gonna dump me.
***
Got out of bed today. I had to, actually, since Akane
came by. I couldn't give her the satisfaction of seeing me
like this. I made her wait until I got showered and dressed,
then I went downstairs to meet her.
I don't know what makes me madder, the fact that she was
being so damn polite, or the fact that she'd have the gall to
even show her face in here after what she did to me. I slapped
her across the face, and she didn't even hit me back! I think
I need a vacation. More later.
***
Crepe Joe popped by for a rematch, but I was out at the
market and missed him. Shame. 'Natsu-chan said Joe was
disappointed, but he understood. After all, he's a
restauranteur too.
Did my assignment on the Diet today. Boring. Ran-chan
came by today via Air Tomboy, so now I've got a new sky light.
He thought the Hokkaido trip was a good idea, wondered if he
could bring Akane along. I changed the subject. Told him about
the fight I got into with Pantyhose and he got angry, said
that Pantyhose had no business picking on girls. I had to
whack him with my spatula at that point. I love my Ran-chan,
but he's a sexist pig.
Speaking of pigs, Ryoga wandered through again this
afternoon. He wouldn't look me in the eye the whole time he
was there, just mumbled nervously. Geez what a weenie. I mean,
nothing happened, right? It couldn't have. Pocky doesn't have
that effect on me. He probably just wandered in in his sleep.
***
Nabs came by today to celebrate. She got Furinkan's
highest-ever recorded marks on the exam pre-test. I
congratulated her, gave her a special on the house. Kuno
wandered in later, looking distraught. Turns out he flunked,
the poor slob. He was so down, he didn't even try to fondle
Ran-chan when she landed on the grill after another aerial
jaunt. I'm not looking forward to next year, when it's my turn
to do the exams. Maybe Ran-chan'll be my study-buddy. Or my
stud-bunny. Hee.
Kasumi came by to say hello, and I tried to be angry at
her, I really did. After all, isn't she one of the folks who
tried to marry my fiance off to her tomboy sister? There's
just something about Kasumi, though. She just deflects anger,
it sort of rolls off her, like water off a duck's back. Hmm.
That reminds me, I haven't seen Mousse in a while. Or Shampoo,
for that matter. The Amazon squad must be up to something
again.
Oh, good news, 'Natsu-chan moved back in today. I was
really starting to miss the weirdo. Everything's back to normal
'round here, I guess. Sigh.
***
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Author's notes:
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Well, this is just a strange little stream-of-
consciousness sort of thing. Doesn't really make a whole lot of
sense, I suppose. It meanders around, doesn't really go
anywhere; all in all, not a terrific piece of work, but I
needed to get back on the horse. Any ideas on improving it, or
anything? Anything you want to say is appreciated.
http://www.angelfire.com/anime/spacepiratesguild/
"I would not, could not kill the King... I would not poison Anything!"
--Green Eggs and Hamlet