Hi!
Sorry for taking so long to reply to this...
but I figured I might as well! Remember, if
you disagree with anything I say, ignore me
with impunity ^_^
On Tue, 21 Mar 2000 21:21:50 Katsu no Miko wrote:
Passage: Dark part 1 (revision 1.0)
Notes: this is a complete alternate reality. The world that this takes
place in is Passage, precursor to the Gateway. Both are places that I write
fantasy stories in. I just had to toss the G-boys in and see what they did.
Is there a URL where one can find the rest of
your works? Just wondering ^_^
Wufei let out another soft sigh and slid off the rock he had been sitting
on, carefully brushing his pants off. He didn't get visitors very often,
which was just fine with him; there could only be one reason for someone
riding so hard to reach him. "People never learn." he muttered.
learn," he
The messenger, now steady on his feet, walked over as quickly as his
cramping lef muscles
One assumes you meant to write 'leg' muscles ^_^;;
"Yes, sir. You know you're always the last one we find." The messenger's
tone was almost accusing.
Wufei smirked. "I like my privacy." /Though not as much as I used to. If I
don't spend at least a few days with the others, I'll start talking to the
trees./ "Anything else?"
loved this bit ^_^
"Go ahead." Wufei said.
ahead,"
"It'll take you several days to get back. I'll let
them know when I get there."
"Thank you sir."
I think that a comma would be appropriate here:
"Thank you, sir."
Wufei shrugged as the man turned and remounted his horse with no small
amount of difficulty. He waited until the horse and rider were no longer
visible before he turned back to his rock. The remains of his camp were
still spread around the clearing; only a few pathetic scraps of food, the
ashes of a fire, and his white over shirt
Later on, you have it written as 'overshirt'
hanging over a tree branch. After
putting the shirt back on, there was nothing left to do; the food and the
ashes would take care of themselves, leaving the clearing as if he had
never been there.
I don't know if you intended this, but this
sentence sounds a bit like you're saying that
the food and the ashes will disappear magically
once he leaves. Or maybe it's just me ^_^
Anyway, I'd write it something like this:
the food and the ashes would take care of themselves. Soon the clearing would betray no traces of human presence.
(Gaah, that sounded awful. I'm sure you can come up with better than that ^^;;)
"Shenlon..." he
...,"
breathed out into the air. The softly spoken name took on a
life of its own, filled with meaning that were too complex to belong to
either
meanings that were
or
meaning that was
just a simple name. The wind whipped up around him, pulling his clothing
tightly against his skin. "It's time again..."
In the middle of a sentence, an ellipsis is
three dots. But at the end of a sentence, you
need four dots: the three dots of an ellipsis,
plus a period. You leave out the period a
bunch later on as well, but I'll be lazy and
just mention it once. ^_^
He had to keep running, though. There was no way that he'd give himself
over to the tender ministrations of his captors again, not willingly. No
way in hell.
'tender ministrations,' eh? A bit of humour,
even in the middle of a dark, serious passage;
always a good idea ^_^
It was sort of funny, he thought idly, but the thing that really hurt the
most was the tiny line of burns on his cheek where one of the soldiers had
tried to take his eye out with a hot poker. The ass had been so drunk that
he'd missed and given him a chance to grab the poker away from him.
I think you can cut out the last 'from him'
there. Too many 'him's in that sentence.
If he kept telling himself that, he was sure he'd eventually believe it.
Did I miss something here, or...? I'm not sure
what this sentence is referring to. If he kept
telling himself that the burns on his cheek
hurt the most? If he kept telling himself that
the soldier had been stupidly drunk and given
him a chance to get away? I'm missing the
point here, too... what does belief have to do
with any of the previously mentioned stuff?
Tears ran down his face, stinging the myriad of cuts and burns
myriad cuts and burns
"Your master can eat shit and die." the boy
The
Wufei shook his head. The air was heavy with barely contained energy that
tickled coldly along his skin; it felt like someone was trying to invoke
one of the elements, which was not normally something to be concerned over.
Earth witches and healers drew small amounts of the elemental energies all
the time. This was different, however, he could feel it.
I'd use a semicolon:
however; he could feel it.
An electric shock ran through him. Whatever was going on, it was happeneing
happening
The dragon abruptly braked, and Wufei hastily grabbed one of the ridges of
her back as he came dangerously close to falling off. The feeling of
gathering power became more urgent. The backs of his hands itched, and his
skin was beginning to feel tight and heavy
I'd write:
his skin began to feel
Shenlon turned her brake into a dive, heading toward the ground with speed
that literally took Wufei's breath away as the wind screaming by them stole
the air from his lungs. Right before they hit the green ceiling of the
forest, the massive dragon pulled up in a wing straining snap that left her
I'd write:
wing-straining snap
Wufei could feel Shenlon desperately searching for a clearing large enough
for her to land safely in while the forest
I'd split this up into two sentences:
to land safely in. But the forest
He couldn't really understand why they'd done that, in his few coherent
moments. He'd watched them put the last of his caravan to the knife when
they'd dragged him, bleeding but still defiant, back into the camp. The
sight had broken something
I'd write:
broken something inside him
(or a variation thereof)
that not even the pain had...he was too hurt to
run anymore, now. All that was left for him was to die.
I'd write:
was death.
One moment, there had been another hot poker, pressing into his hand,
another hot poker pressing into
"God..." Wufei moaned
...,"
Wufei slowly opened his eyes. He was on his back, lying on top of what felt
like a pile of rocks. Sharp rocks. He was in the forest now, obviously; the
massive trunks of the ancient trees arched up over him, reaching impossibly
high toward the sky. Instead of the dense, unbroken ceiling of the forest
canopy, though, there was a ragged hole letting the watery light of the
stars shine through. Now that he was actually thinking again, he could see
that most of the trees were missing branches, and a few tilted toward the
ground at crazy angels. He closed his eyes.
Oh, an Evangelion crossover, is it now? ^_^ You
undoubtedly meant:
at crazy angles.
Wufei smiled and opened his eyes again to find himself looking into one of
Shenlon's unbrokenly silver eyes,
I dunno, but 'unbrokenly' as a word just
doesn't work for me ^_^;; Maybe 'uniformly'
or 'liquid silver'...?
which was bigger than his head. "I'm
alright." he murmured quietly.
alright," he
"That can't be right. Nothing has that kind of power, not even the Elder
Dragons, and I would be the first to know if one of them woke." /Please
God, let me be right.../
I'd write:
Please, God,
Wow... great beginning! Love your
descriptions. Really eager to find out what
happens next!
Megan Jones kunitori@licensedtokill.com
A Midsummer Night's WebSite: http://i.am/midsummer
Free, fast e-mail accessible anytime, anywhere http://www.imaginemail.com