Colleen Leah Morgan wrote:
C&C appreciated.
Righto....
Sumi no e no
Kishi ni yoru nami
Yoru sae ya
Yume no kayoi ji
Hito me yoku ran
I have to agree with Bridget; this doesn't mean anything to me.
Akane stretched and yawned. The sun slanted through her window
and she could see golden dust motes drifting lazily in her still room.
She rubbed her eyes then bounced out of bed. For a moment she glanced at
Suggest: eyes, then
her desk; was she forgetting something? She shrugged and slid on her
happi coat. Even though the sun was shining, it was still a little
chilly.
Um... what's a happi coat? I don't think I'd want to wear one. "SWEETO!" :)
"Feeling better, Akane-chan?" She looked up into her sister's
bloodshot eyes.
I'm not sure which of them "she" refers to. If Akane, the sentence would
probably be less confusing in the next paragraph.
Nabiki's bowl came down with a clank. "I have to go." She was up
and out of the room before any of them could say a word. Akane ruefully
^^
double space.
"Moshi moshi. Tendo residence."
Hey, Vince! Another entry for the glossary! :)
Seriously, what's wrong with "hello?"
The fanged boy had placed her gently on his examination
table. She had regained consciousness only once since China, and only to
ask about Ranma. She was severely dehydrated and suffered from many deep
bruises and lacerations. When Ryoga told him about her various adventures,
it was amazed him that she wasn't paralyzed or dead. But then again, the
it amazed him, or it was amazing to him
The storm of the night before had passed and the sky was a
bright, blazing blue. The low-hanging frenzy of power and telephone wires
segmented the blue, lending an abstract touch that contrasted with the old
feel of the neighborhood in an odd, yet pleasing way. It was one of the
few places left that had a majority of pre-war houses rather than the ugly
new concrete mode of construction. Progress had brought their destruction
more readily than the veil of fire rained down by warplanes. Prayer papers
A veil raining down? Seems like a mixed metaphor.
"And one beef teriyaki for the miss." Akane happily accepted the
The mention of Akane's name there makes it seem like she's saying the line. If
that's not the case, you might want to make the line of dialog a paragraph by
itself.
"Thank you, Doctor." She smiled at him without thinking and his
face lit up. Kasumi flushed and looked at her sister. Akane was shifting
nervously in her seat. "Bathroom, Akane-chan?" Akane nodded. "I think it's
in the back."
Again here, 'Akane nodded' could be it's own paragraph. (Kasumi's not in the
bathroom, but she flushed? ^_^)
A roaring filled her ears and she clapped her hands over them,
trying to shut it out, dirt and rocks were coming down all around her
This is a run-on sentence; not sure whether or not it's intentionally so to
reflect Akane's confused state of mind.
"Oh god, Akane!" She rushed in, flats clacking against the
IMO, "Oh, gods, Akane!" or "Oh, God, Akane!"
A shrill cry pierced the night air. For an instant the world was
quiet. A stray wind rustled the gingko trees and Mu Si drew his wrap close
around his shoulders. The stars were bright explosions of lights, taking
on their own wintry chill. He could feel the heat of the hut bleeding
around the door cracks, hot and wet enough to create a mist that beaded
^^
Double space.
and cooled on the back of his head. His glasses were still clear enough to
search out any disturbance in the forest. The baby's cries were clear and
MU: "I sense a vast disturbance in the forest."
SHAN: "Stupid Mu! You no Jedi knight!"
Shan Pu wiped the sweat from her face and hands with a spare
birthing rag. The hut had been kept hot with a small furnace used to boil
the traditional tea given to the baby and mother to bond them forever. In
this case it was useless, as the baby was a boy and not given the tea.
He would be raised communally, without the privilege of a mother. Shan Pu
smiled. She had been robbed of the the privilige of a mother early; was
she really that much better than the village boys?
Suggest 'that much more fortunate than' (assuming this is what you mean;
'better' could also be interpreted in other ways.)
What had been the great glory that she was supposed to lead the
tribe to, anyway? A small curl of smoke rose out of the hole in the
chieftain's house, where she wasstaying. Ke Lun accompanied her, trained
was staying.
But the end had come and instead of her graceful ascent into a
world all her own, she was left to pick up the pieces. The Saotomes,
suddenly hollow. Her father, withdrawn even farther into his
melancholy. All the friends and fiancees, gone almost as though they never
were there. Nabiki, trying desperately to follow them out of
Nerima. Akane. Several fragments of memory and feeling were evoked just by
mention of the name. Akane. A startling mix of intensity, a person that
could love and hate and forgive in one breath. Ranma never had a
chance. But instead of a moth to a flame, it was more akin to a flame with
a flame. Each made the other burn higher, and then the moths came,
swirling and tormenting until it all seemed to take on its own life, an
insane dance, too exciting to end.
Nice. ^_^ This metaphor is just perfect.
Akane was probably asleep by now, and needed her medicine. The
medicine sometimes seemed to be the only thing holding the house
together. Without it, Akane would have to be sent to an institution and
Kasumi would be free. But at what cost? Mother's face surfaced, with a
look of resentment and disapproval tainting her features. A part of her
rebelled at that though, Mother and her Japanese mores weren't taking
at that, though; Mother
The door closed with a quiet click but the light in the hall was
enough to illuminate the now restless sleep of Akane. She rolled to her
Perhaps 'the now restlessly sleeping Akane'? Or something. To illuminate
someone's sleep seems a little odd. Maybe it's just me.
All in all, a really nice piece of writing. The plot's still rather mysterious,
but you seem to know exactly where it's going, so I'll sit back and wait to be
surprised.
Gary