Hi,
My comments##
<<SNIP>
Eternal Blue
By Troy J. Thomas
The characters in this story, with
exceptions, are creations of others. Ranma 1/2 and
its characters are the property and creations of
Rumiko Takahashi. Tenchi Muyo and its characters
are the property of Pioneer and are the creations
of Masaki Kujishima (anime) and Hitoshi Okuda
(manga). No attempt has ever been and no attempt
will ever be made to gain external profits from
these properties and characters. Any growth by the
author will be limited to improved writing skill
and expanded ego, so please don't sue me.
##^_^
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Prologue
Katsuhito Masaki, holy-knight of the Kingdom
of Atlantis, arrived at the shrine he protected.
##very good.
Two boys were there already sweeping the dust from
the path. They were his grandsons Ranma Saotome and
Tenchi Masaki. They were also his heirs. "Good
morning boys."
##Not bad. There are several ways to do this.
{I'm going to number my sentences for reference}
For example::
1] Two temple acolytes were sweeping dust from
the path.
2] "Good morning boys."
3] "Good morning Grandfather," Tenchi stopped sweeping
and bowed respectfully.
4] " Mornin' Gramps," Ranma took advantage of his
brothers distraction to swat him with the broom.
##Notice I've done several things here.
(basically the same things YOU did in your opening
sentence, btw)
1] using "temple acolytes" in place of "boys"
plants a picture in the readers mind AND avoids
repeating the use of the word "boy".
3] established the identity and relationship of one
boy and a
little about his personality. (Tenchi is polite)
4]establish the relationship _between_ the two boys,
identifies the second boy and shows a little of HIS
personality.
If you want to introduce them as "heirs" at this point
you could::
". . .swat his brother and co-heir with a broom."
##There is no right or wrong way of doing this.
However there are an almost infinite number of
different ways, each giving a slightly different
"flavor" to the story. Play with the words and
the descriptions until you get a feel for how
it's going to turn out. Also, it's not just a matter
of the individual sentences but how they all fit
together. One piece of advice I usually give is
to pretend it costs you $0.25/word to post. ^_^
That way you have to be sure EVERY word is
_just_ right. And you cut out every unnecessary word.
Receiving a reply of good morning from both,
Katsuhito turned to the wooden fence. It had been
broken for as long as he could remember. "I trust
you two will finally have that repaired today?" He
asked. "I won't have to ask you tomorrow?" The boys
shook their heads. "Or two days from now?"
##VERY, very good.
"We promise. We'll fix it right after school
grandfather." Tenchi replied, exasperated at his
grandfather's faith, or lack thereof.
"We just need the keys to get into the tool-
shed." Ranma seconded. Both of the apprentices
stopped sweeping and faced their grandfather with
looks of utter innocence.
##^_^ Excellent.
Inwardly, Katsuhito was worried. The two were
as easy to read as a book and their angelic
expressions spelled out their true intentions. They
wanted to raid the shrine cave and he had the key
to the cave on his key-chain.
Inside the cave, a demon was sealed, or so
the legends surrounding the cave claimed. Also
inside the sealed cave, there was a secret seal of
a void, a stain on the honour of the world.
##Ummm, I'm a little lost on this one.
You might want to change::
"Also inside the sealed cave, there was a secret seal
of
a void, a stain on the honour of the world."
##I rather like "a stain on the honour of the world."
However "a secret seal of a void" doesn't make sense
to me. It's also rather bland sounding.
Other than that, very good. MUCH, much better.
Releasing one would release the other.
To allow the boys their romp would be
disastrous for his family. So the option to tell
them to ask another priest for the tool-shed key
was easy.
##Ummm, I'm lost on this one as well.
I don't really understand the bit with "another
priest"
And it's not a "romp", they're supposed to fix the
fence.
But if he did so and allowed the seal to
weaken and the void to strengthen, disaster would
be the least of his family's worries.
##??? You need to establish the connection
between fixing the fence and all of these
disasters.
He knew he could be selfish and save his
family, but if he did so, a world could die. There
was little choice anymore.
##Good. You just need to establish
the _connection_ between fixing the fence
and the end of the world. You've mentioned
the demon, the seal and the void. However
you need to add some more detail showing how
and why this is going to happen. You've given
some bits and pieces but haven't really tied it
together
so that is makes sense.
Shaking away his thoughts, Katsuhito motioned
to hand the boys his key-chain. "Just be sure to
stay away from the locked gate, because this key,"
He pointed out the key. "Will open it!"
##Again, this seems almost as if he's daring them
to break the seal. Establish a foundation for this.
(If he does NOT want them to break the seal, why
not just _remove_ that key from the ring.) If he
DOES want them to break the seal . . .why?
The eyes of the two boys almost bulged out of
their heads. For their entire lives, Ranma and
Tenchi had been taught to stay out of the cave.
"Just you two promise me that you'll go to
school first before you fix that fence okay? I know
that carpentry is all very fine, but I care more
for your education than that fence!"
##I think you can skip the "carpentry" bit.
Just::
" . . .fix that fence today, okay? I care more
for your education . . ."
"Speaking of school gramps, Tenchi and I will
be late if we don't leave now!" Ranma interrupted.
They walked away to go change into their school
clothes.
When the two were beyond his sight, Katsuhito
turned his eyes toward the sky, an expanse of
eternal blue. "Maybe there's a chance this broken
fence will be fixed after all."
End Prologue
##MUCH improved. Still need to explain a bit more
about the broken seal. OR have less about it at this
time.
As a reader I can't figure out WHY Katsuhito seems to
be daring them to break the seal. IMO it would be
better
to change this bit. Rather than having the key to the
cave on that
ring. (sort of like having the launch key to a Trident
Missile
on the same ring with your house key. ^_^) MENTION the
seal
and demon. (I think the "void" is a bit much. Or at
least needs
more explanation or a more descriptive name) But
rather than giving
them the key (Unless this is what he WANTS. In which
case you
need to make it clearer) Have Ranma & Tenchi use
fixing the fence
as an OPPORTUNITY to break into the cave. Rather than
a direct
key to the lock, they have a key to the shed, which
has tools which allow
then to gain access to the cave.
If giving them the key is part of a test or is
ordained, just make this clearer in
the text.
GOOD WORK. MUCH, MUCH better overall.
Keep it up. ^_^
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"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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