Hi everybody!
Since _Ascent of the Fallen_ is taking a little bit longer to rewrite
than I had hoped, I feared that my fans (all three of them) might be
getting a little antsy. So I thought I would send out something to
tide you all over. So here's a little shortfic for all (three) of you.
I sent a rough draft to the FFML a few months back, and this is the
revised version. If you'd like to see an html version, visit my site,
Heaven's Gate at http://members.tripod.com/Sage_Ohlmin/evafic.htm and
click on the Oneshots option.
Be prepared for WAFF. The events of this story occur shortly after the
events of episode 12.
SOMETHING ELSE
A Neon Genesis Evangelion Fanfic
by Sparky Clarkson
The computer beeped and flashed a message at Shinji, jarring him
from his reverie. He shook his head to clear it and glanced around
the classroom, noting that almost all the other students were
spacing out as well. _With Sensei around, who needs Ritalin?_ Shinji
wondered, then turned his attention to the computer screen. He
smiled ruefully as he read it.
HEY, STUPID SHINJI! I WANT YOU TO COME WITH ME AFTER SCHOOL.
Shinji shook his head. Sometimes he had trouble figuring out who had
sent him a particular message, but that was never the case with
Asuka. Her personality shone through even the drab green text of the
computer screen. Shinji realized that he would probably end up doing
what she said anyway, but he mustered as much of an effort at
resistance as he could manage without getting punched later. He
typed his reply.
WHERE? WHY?
Asuka's answer wasn't long in coming.
I HARDLY THINK IT MATTERS... YOU'LL HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO SPEND
TIME WITH THE GREAT ASUKA LANGLEY SORYU. THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH FOR
YOU!
Shinji smiled slightly as he read that. Pure Asuka. _What would she
do,_ Shinji wondered, _If she knew how true that was?_ He typed an
affirmative reply and sent it. _She'd probably kill me, or call me a
perverted idiot,_ he thought, and sighed softly. He shifted slightly
in his seat so he could see Asuka.
The red-headed girl turned to flash him a thumbs-up and a grin, then
quickly rotated back to face the front of the room. Shinji, on the
other hand, held his position, carefully watching his housemate. He
couldn't decide whether to look forward to whatever Asuka had
planned for after school or not. She pulled him in so many
directions.
Certainly Shinji didn't enjoy being called names or ridiculed.
Asuka's harsh words never failed to make Shinji feel like an idiot
and a loser. Her desire to always be the center of attention grated
on his nerves at the best of times, and frequently made him want to
scream. Loud, bossy, and frequently irrational, Asuka rarely
brightened Shinji's days.
When she did, though... Shinji still remembered the way she smiled
at him after he had jumped into the volcano to save her. The memory
of that one expression--not a grin, just the slightest smile
combined with gently shimmering moisture in her eyes--always
comforted him, and made him want to bring it out again. When it had
occurred, the sight had completely blocked out the pain he felt from
the fiery lava. When he remembered it, Shinji felt like all he
wanted was to see that smile again.
All the same, the stress of dealing with Asuka's bad side had begun
to wear on Shinji emotionally. He'd always been a loner leading a
boring life, never having to deal much with other children or with
stressful situations. The abrupt changes that had accompanied
Shinji's move to Tokyo-3 had shattered that life and nearly driven
him over the edge. After his failed attempt to run away, Shinji had
found a way to keep himself sane by taking several hours each day to
sit alone in his room, listening to his SDAT. The calming routine
gave him the strength to deal with all the people and stress he
faced daily.
Asuka's arrival, however, had ended that. Whenever he tried to take
those few hours to unwind, she would barge in, demanding that he
clean something she had dirtied, fix her some food, buy some
groceries, or any number of incidental tasks. As a result, he hadn't
had a full session of his "quiet time" in nearly a month.
Ironically, this interruption of his routine came at the same time
that Asuka's obnoxious nature massively increased the tension in
Shinji's already stressful life. The more he needed to relax, the
less opportunity he had to do so.
Shinji could feel himself coming apart at the seams. Twice already
this week he had cried himself to sleep, muffling his sobs in his
pillow so as not to worry Misato. Though both times had happened
right after particularly harsh words from Asuka, that wasn't the
real reason he'd wept. Under normal circumstances he could have
brushed off the insults, or maybe even ignored them. Without his
downtime, however, his mental strength to resist her attacks had
eroded to almost nothing. The frustration of trying to deal with her
was on the verge of driving him over the edge a second time.
Shinji's hand clenched. _Why does she have to be so mean?_ he asked
himself, _I try as hard as I can to make her happy!_ He relaxed
quickly, however, when his eyes again focused on Asuka. He had to
admit it... ultimately, something about her made the trouble she
caused him worth it. If only he could figure out what that
'something' was...
His computer beeped again. He glanced back to the screen, barely
suppressing a groan as he read the new message.
ADMIRING MY BEAUTY, HUH?
Shinji turned towards the front of the room and buried his head in
his hands. _Was I?_ he wondered. _Is that it? Do I want her to be my
girlfriend?_ Shinji didn't really understand what having a
girlfriend was about. Touji, Kensuke, and occasionally Misato told
him off-color jokes that painted one picture of relationships, and
the awful, boring "romance" movies Misato rented when she was
feeling unusually sappy created another. Shinji had a hunch that
neither view was really right, but had no way to find out. He'd
certainly never get up enough courage to ask anyone about such an
embarrassing subject.
_It probably doesn't matter anyway,_ Shinji thought. _She probably
hates me or despises me, judging from how she acts. That smile,
though... really, I don't understand her at all._
***
"So, um... what's this about, Asuka?" Shinji asked as they stood
outside the campus. Touji and Kensuke had just left him with "the
red-headed devil" and gone off to play at the arcade.
"There's something I want to show you," she replied, and began
walking down the road towards a maglev station.
Shinji started after her, catching up after a few moments. "Is it
out of town or something?" he asked as they descended to the subway.
"Sort of," Asuka replied. "It's on the mountain."
"The mountain?" Shinji asked, trying to restrain the whine in his
voice. The shoes he was wearing really weren't any good for a hike.
He should have realized that Asuka would have some reason for
wearing unwieldy boots today rather than the standard shoes of the
school uniform.
"Well, if you're going to be that way, we can just turn around.
Heaven knows why I'm spending my time with an idiot like you," Asuka
replied. As if to carry out her threat, she turned back towards the
stairs that led to street level.
"No, wait," Shinji said. "If you want to drag me up the mountain,
then I guess it must be important to you. I'll go."
Asuka folded her arms and smirked. "That's better," she said, and
moved back towards the turnstiles. Shinji shook his head slowly and
followed her.
A short ride on the maglev took them to the edge of the nature
preserve on the mountain nearest to Tokyo-3. Asuka jumped up from
her seat and charged out of the train car, impatient to reach their
destination. A moment later, Shinji followed her, watching the sway
of Asuka's hips and the graceful movement of her body.
Shinji had the impression that people in love often looked at each
other this way. The curves and motion of another's body was supposed
to kindle some kind of attraction. Yet Shinji experienced nothing of
the sort--no arousal, no special warmth in his heart. If anything,
ogling Asuka this way made him feel vaguely uncomfortable. _Is
something wrong with me?_ Shinji wondered, _Or is something wrong
with what I'm doing?_ Suddenly, he realized how far behind he had
lagged and started jogging to catch up with his housemate. The last
thing he needed right now was to have her call him a pervert in a
place like this.
When he finally did pull even with her, Asuka commented, "Took you
long enough, stupid. Are you up for a climb?"
"Sure," Shinji replied, without enthusiasm. Already, he was
beginning to regret agreeing to come with her. But maybe doing so
would buy him a little peace and quiet later on. He could only hope.
***
"Ta-DA!" Asuka shouted as she reached a little clearing along the
rough trail. The rocky little path up the western side of the
mountain had trees growing on either side, obstructing the view of
the surrounding area. In this spot, however, no trees grew on the
outside edge of the trail, creating a small grassy meadow facing
almost due west.
Shinji leaned against a tree, obviously tired from the hike up the
mountain. "This is what you wanted to show me?" he asked, sounding a
little annoyed.
"Well, I'm sorry it doesn't match up to your *high* expectations,
stupid Shinji," Asuka snapped. Shinji hadn't said anything about it
on the way up, but she knew he had to be a little irritated by the
whole excursion.
Shinji held up a hand. "No, no, you misunderstood me. It's very
pretty, just... I don't understand why you wanted me to come up here
so badly," he explained.
"Well, you just have to wait a while," Asuka said, "You made far
better time than I thought you would. You should be proud that you
exceeded my expectations." She realized that she had actually been
the one lagging behind most of the way, prodding Shinji to "break a
trail" for her. Still, she couldn't resist the jab. Making fun of
Shinji was just too enjoyable. "Just sit and wait for the sunset,
idiot," she added, turning back towards the view.
Shinji was silent for a few moments, then quietly asked, "Why do you
say things like that all the time?" He probably hadn't meant for
Asuka to hear, but somehow the words carried in the clear on the
mountainside.
"Huh?" she responded, confused.
For a moment, it seemed Shinji wouldn't answer--that he would
retreat back into his shell. Suddenly though, with a burst of
strength, he asked, "Why do you always say those insulting things?
What am I doing to deserve them?"
Asuka was dumbfounded. She couldn't imagine where Shinji had gotten
the nerve to say something like that to her. She was about to
respond when Shinji added something else.
"I'm always trying to do what you ask and make you happy," he said,
"And all you ever do is say things that hurt my feelings. Why can't
you be nice to me?"
Asuka didn't know how to respond. Of course she knew that she said
mean things to Shinji all the time, but she never imagined that they
actually affected him. To her, they were just things she said--they
didn't *mean* anything. She couldn't admit that to him, though--not
at this point. That would mean trusting him, and Asuka never, ever
let anyone get close. She scrambled for the first thing that came to
mind. "You're just a boy," she said, "I don't see why you think
you're worthy of *my* respect. It's your job to be nice to me."
"What?" Shinji asked, his eyes wide with shock. "I don't do the
things I do because it's my *job*. I... I even *disobeyed* my orders
when you had that fight in the volcano and I caught you. I mean, I
didn't come up here because I had to. I did it because I care about
you, and I want you to be happy."
Asuka froze. This couldn't be right. Shinji never did anything on
his own initiative--his only source of direction was doing what
other people told him to do. She turned to her housemate, and saw
from his expression that he was entirely earnest. She could hardly
believe it. "What are you trying to say?" she asked. _If it's what I
think it is, maybe I can get this off my chest,_ she thought, _It
sure would be nice to be able to drop my facade for someone._
Shinji seemed to shrink a little bit. "I don't know," he said. "I've
never had to deal with people much before, so I don't even
understand how I feel about them... about you. I don't know if I
want you to be my girlfriend, or if it's something else, but I know
I care about you. I think... I think I love you. Don't you care
about me at all?"
Asuka's reply came out before she even knew she was going to speak,
a response born of her emotional reflexes more than anything else.
"Hmph! I could *never* love *you*," she retorted, barely realizing
she was saying the words. Their impact on Shinji, however, made it
clear that they had, indelibly, been uttered. The boy stood stone-
still for a moment as her words sank in. Then he began shaking, and
reached out to support himself on a tree as his knees buckled
briefly. Asuka frowned, wondering why he was reacting so oddly to
whatever she had said.
Then she realized exactly *what* she had said. She clasped her hand
over her mouth to stifle a cry and took a step towards Shinji, but
at that moment his last shred of strength evaporated. Asuka had a
brief glimpse of a tear rolling down his cheek before he turned and
ran down the path as fast as he could.
"No! Shinji, wait!" Asuka called, but he kept running. She watched
him disappear from view, stumbling down the rough path. When he had
been out of eyeshot for several minutes, she sat gracelessly on the
ground, leaning her head up against a tree trunk. "Idiot," she
muttered, but she this time the insult wasn't meant for Shinji. "God
damn idiot."
She stayed in that position for several hours, watching the sun
slowly track down the sky. _I really did want Shinji to see this,_
she thought as she watched the golden orb descend behind the hills.
_It's very beautiful. I know he would have liked it._
She was jarred from her reverie by the sudden ringing of her mobile
phone. Asuka reached inside her satchel and grabbed the unit,
flicking it on with practiced ease. "Soryu here," she said
automatically, half-expecting a summons to the Geo-front.
"Asuka! Where are you?" Misato asked, sounding almost angry.
"I'm in a nature preserve," Asuka replied. "What's up?"
There was a pause, then Misato continued in a calmer voice, "I just
got a little nervous because I didn't know where you were. You
should tell me when you're going to do something like this. Are you
coming back tonight, or are you camping up there with Hikari?"
"I, uh... I'm coming back soon," Asuka said. There was an
uncomfortable silence that lasted a few moments.
"Okay, well..." Misato began, but Asuka cut her off.
"Misato, do you know where Shinji is?"
Another few moments of silence followed before Misato replied, "He
didn't want to talk much when I called him. He said something about
the gardens."
Asuka's eyes widened. The only real gardens in Tokyo-3 were in the
park at the base of the mountain. Apparently Shinji hadn't run very
far. She was about to sign off and go look for him when Misato said,
"What's this about, Asuka?"
Asuka considered lying for a moment. If she told the truth, Misato
might get really angry with her. Asuka's bad attitude had already
gotten her on the Major's bad side. If she'd hurt Shinji... well,
Misato was very protective of him. Who knew how she'd react? On the
other hand, Asuka realized that she needed some advice, and if
anyone knew Shinji, it was Misato.
Asuka took a deep breath and said, "Misato, have you ever said
something that was true, but wasn't right?"
"I don't understand what you mean."
"Well... I said something to Shinji earlier today, and it was the
truth, but it didn't come out right. I didn't realize I had
misspoken until too late, and I think... I'm worried that I really
hurt him, and I... I don't want to do that," Asuka explained.
After a brief pause, Misato replied, "I think I see what you're
getting at, although it would be easier if you'd tell me what it was
that caused all this."
"I... I can't. Not just yet," Asuka said. "But Misato, what would
you do if that happened? How can I explain to him that what I said
wasn't what I meant?"
Misato thought for a moment, then said, "Well, the only way to do it
is just to say it. Shinji's had some terrible experiences in his
life, as bad as or worse than yours, and so he's very timid about
opening up to people. If you hurt him, there's a chance that he'll
just turn inward and cut himself off from you. If he does, there's
no way to make him listen. The best thing you can do is say the
words and hope he hears you."
Asuka nodded, before realizing what a ridiculous gesture that was
when using a phone. "Yeah, I guess you're right," she agreed.
"Thanks, Misato."
"Anytime."
"I'll be home in a little while," Asuka said, then flipped the phone
off and shoved it back into her satchel. As the last fringe of the
sun began to disappear behind the hills, Asuka stood and began to
walk down the path, hoping to reach the bottom before the light was
all gone. _It's time to set this straight._
***
Shinji curled up tighter when he heard the sound of footsteps
crunching on the gravel walk. He had spent the last few hours here,
sitting next to the small lily pond with his arms and face resting
on his knees, staring at the ground. The quietly running water had
calmed him somewhat while he cried, but he still did not want to
face anybody.
As the footsteps grew closer, Shinji recognized a familiar cadence,
and the breeze wafted a scent he knew well towards him. "Asuka" he
moaned quietly, and curled up tighter. The path and the pond were
separated by some bushes; perhaps in the twilight Asuka would miss
him.
That hope evaporated as the footsteps stopped directly behind him.
There was a rustling noise as Asuka stepped through the bushes. She
stopped silently behind him for a few moments before asking, "Mind
if I sit here?"
"Please don't. Please just go away and leave me alone," Shinji
whispered, but the words were too soft for Asuka to hear. He heard
her sit beside him.
"Shinji, are you all right?" Asuka asked.
Shinji didn't move, continuing to stare at the ground. "No," he
moaned. After a pause, he said, "Please leave, Asuka. I know you
don't care. It was stupid of me to say anything when I didn't know
how I felt anyway."
After a moment, Asuka said, "That's why I came to find you. What I
said today... well, it wasn't exactly true."
Shinji stayed in his position. _She's just taking pity on me,_ he
thought.
"To tell you the truth," Asuka continued, "I spoke before I thought,
and it came out sounding like I don't care about you. I didn't mean
it that way, and I... I'm sorry. I know... I know I don't have the
kind of feelings for you that a girl has for her boyfriend. But..."
Asuka trailed off. After a few moments she began again. "I don't
even know how to say this," she explained, "I've been thinking ever
since... what happened... and I still can't get the words right.
It's not romantic love I'm feeling for you, but... something else."
"Contempt?" Shinji suggested, still not shifting. "That's how you
always act. I'm just trying... oh, it's no use," he said, struggling
to hold back more tears. _I can't cry in front of her,_ he thought,
_I can't. She'd never let me live it down._
Asuka said nothing for almost a minute. Then, very tentatively, she
reached out and placed her hand on Shinji's shoulder. He reflexively
tensed up when she touched him, fearing the worst, but nothing
really happened. She squeezed gently, then began to talk.
"I... I owe you an apology, Shinji. I know that I mostly act like I
despise you, but it's honestly because... because I don't know *how*
to act around you. I've never had to live with someone my own age
before, so I don't... I don't know what to do. Especially since...
since I know that I *do* care about you. And that's why I'm mad at
myself right now. Because today, when I meant to say I couldn't love
you as my boyfriend, I ended up saying that I don't care about you
at all. And that's not true. I know that... that I really do love
you. I just think of you more as a brother than a boyfriend. And I
don't want to hurt someone who loves me... someone whom I love."
Shinji had slowly lifted his head as Asuka spoke. As she explained
herself, Asuka trembled and her eyes brimmed with tears. As she told
him how she felt, he realized that her words resonated with his own
emotions. When she finished, Asuka gave Shinji a weak smile and
squeezed his shoulder again. Shinji took a deep breath and said, "I
think... I think I feel the same way. I mean, you're very beautiful,
but I... I can't see us together... that way." He looked away from
Asuka, towards the pond as he continued, "I just... I *do* care
about you, and it just hurts so much that you make fun of me all the
time. I just don't know if I can keep doing what I've been doing,
with NERV, and school, and home... it's just so... so frustrating!"
Asuka reached out and turned his face back towards her. She frowned
and said, "I didn't understand until today how mean I've been
towards you. I never meant to hurt you, but I never had the presence
of mind to stop saying those hurtful things, either." She paused,
then continued, "I want to try and stop doing that, but... I've
always used that attitude as kind of a shell, to keep the rest of
the world away. I don't know if I can give it up that easily. I want
you to know, though, that when I say those things, I don't really
mean them. I want to help you, to... be there for you. I just... I
don't know how good a job I'll do. I mean, I've never had a
brother." She smiled hopefully at him.
Shinji smiled back. "I've never had a sister either," he said
quietly, "But...I want to be there for you, too."
Asuka grinned broadly, her face brightening with Shinji's every
word. She leaned over and engulfed her roommate in a strong embrace.
Shocked by the contact, Shinji took a moment to collect himself and
hug her back. After a few seconds in Asuka's arms, Shinji felt calm
and relaxed. The embrace soothed him more than hours with his S-DAT
ever had. "This feels right," he murmured, just loudly enough so
that Asuka could hear him.
"Yeah," she agreed, "I guess we are cut out to be siblings after
all." They held the embrace for several more minutes, just relaxing
in the contact. Then Asuka released him from the hug and said, "My
first act as your 'sister' is to remind you that you'll never grow
up big and strong if you don't eat regularly."
Shinji suddenly realized that his stomach was softly growling.
"Yeah," he said, "I suppose I should eat something." He stood up
slowly, still a little tired from the emotional exertion of the
afternoon.
Asuka stood up as well, still smiling. "I hope you feel up to
cooking. Misato probably left some noodles out for when we got home,
but you know those are going to taste like cardboard," she said.
Shinji laughed. "We could stop by a ramen stand," he said. "My
treat."
Asuka nodded, and replied, "I suppose that'll do. Your cooking is
better, though."
Shinji blushed slightly, and motioned towards the pathway. He held
the bushes apart so that Asuka could step through, then followed her
onto the gravel walkway.
As they walked towards the maglev station, Asuka said, "Thanks,
Shinji. For dinner... and for listening. I'm sorry I hurt your
feelings."
"It's okay," Shinji replied, smiling slightly. "I know you didn't
mean to, and I feel much better now... now that I have a family."
"So do I."
THE END FOR NOW
So... should I write some more along these lines? If you want to see
more stories with Shinji and Asuka's relationship developing this
way, let me know. I have some ideas for a sequel, but I need a
little motivation. Send C&C to let me know what you think.
Sparky
*********
"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."--Isaac Asimov
Access Sparky's fanfiction, links galore, and all kinds of heresy
at Heaven's Gate!
http://sage_ohlmin.tripod.com/evafic.htm
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