--- Jennifer Ingersoll <mini_vixen@hotmail.com> wrote:
ok ya'll here we go, my first fic. Comments are
welcome, private or open to
the list. Hope ya'll like it!
Blackfire
Now why do the words "first fic" always perk interest
in critics? Hahahahahahahaha. Sorry. Shark instinct
triggering here. Let's see what turns out...
LOVERS PROMISE
The rain misted softly over the garden coming in
gentle gusts. The night was
still and fragrant, the only sound was the drumming
of the rain and the
rustling of the leaves in the wind. The calm was
shattered when a girl ran
into the garden and stopped before a rose bush
covered in large white
flowers, opened, strangely to the cool night air.
Hmmmm. Opening images are ... ahem ...
confusticating. Oh, confusing, I mean. Rain misting
softly and rain drumming down tend to be two rather
disparate images. <smiles>
Her eyes were wild and her mind raced, darting back
and forth back and
forth. Unable to get over two pieces of information,
the first that she had
lost and the second, her lover had broken his
promise to her. She looked
down at her self, her right arm numb and covered in
blood. Her uniforms
sleeve torn, and the skirt covered in rich brown
blood. Her shoes were
covered in mud, and she didn�t quite remember how it
got there. In her left
hand her katana dangled limply in her grasp. She
knew that her hair had
escaped its bun and most of it lay on her shoulders
and hung down her back.
Ummm ... a more concrete imagery pattern would help
here. Describe the torn uniform ... is it a fuku (I
think, my Nihongo stunkifies)? Some other uniform,
maybe Western style? And the katana ... not everyone
is familiar with the classic samurai weapon. I guess
what I'm trying to say here is show, don't just tell
the reader. More into that in the wrap-up.
After a few minutes of mentally reviewing the facts
her eyes focused on the
rose bush before her and She absentmindedly reached
up with her free hand to
fix her hair. She got her hand up only so far before
the pain hit her and
she gasped. Her sword dropped from her hand to land
in the rich brown earth.
Shock coursed through her body and she crumpled to
the earth to land as if
she was praying, on her knees and her upper body
bent forwards. A rustling
noise came from the bushes she had run through and
then she looked up, but
nothing was there. The noise came again and she
looked at the bushes, which
rustled and then chuckled.
A deep voice came out of the darkness �Do the stars
shine tonight my love?�
The voice was gentle and full of concern. She
recognized it and spat in its
general direction. �You know the answer as well as
I. Beloved� Her answer
was short and sarcastic. The bush sighed and
rustled. �Do you begrudge me an
answer? It was not as if I meant to hurt you�.� The
rain began to fall
harder. �She sighed and shook her head. �There are
no stars in the sky
tonight, the cloud blocks the view of them all.�
Whoa. I lost track of who was talking back there.
Much bad mojo.
The bush rustled again, and a tall lean figure
emerged form its shadows. Her
lover, her all, her Touga. His long red hair was
plastered to his head, and
his white shirt stuck closely to his torso. He came
and stood over her,
then knelt looking into her eyes. He ran a hand down
her right arm and
gently put pressure on the wound. She gasped and
shuddered. He ripped her
sleeve in half, and tied it around the wound, to
staunch the blood that
slowly but thickly ran down her arm.
And use of other phrases might help with the general
work. "Slowly but thickly" seems to be a tad bit out
of context here. It serves a stumbling block for the
reader. Again, more on that later.
He gently ran his fingers through her hair releasing
the last of it from the
bun. He ran his fingers over the side of her face.
She opened her mouth to
speak and he placed a finger over her lips silencing
her effectively. Touga
read the questions in her eyes and shook his head.
He kissed her gently, and
lowered her to the ground.
A little reworking and rephrasing and this scene might
actually become touching.
Sometime later the rain was stopping and the pair
lay entwined on the
ground. Touga gently disengaged himself from her and
sat up. She rolled
over on to her stomach and smiled softly. He
quickly dressed and placed a
kiss on the top of her head. He stood to go, and she
quickly rolled over,
sat up and grabbed his wrist.
Ov vey. Honestly, I tend to let stuff like syntax and
grammar criticism slide in favor of story content and
reader impact. But, but ... tenses. Makes me all
tense just thinking about it. Hehehehehehe.
�Touga?� She asked softly, making a deep question
out of his name. She
pulled on her clothes as he stood looking down at
her. �I have some
questions for you. She stood and looked at him, the
rain stopped completely
and he looked down. �I guess I can listen, I don�t
have anything else to
do�� He looked around and reached out for a rose. He
plucked a white rose
and gave it to her. She looked down at it and smiled
softly.
�Touga. Do you, well, do you feel for me? No wait.
That�s not what I mean�
damn this is hard.� She began stripping the petals
from the rose and when
all the petals were gone she looked down at it, then
tossed it to the
ground. �Well, Touga, do you� do you love me?� There
she had asked it, now
she just needed his answer she thought.
Touga blushed and looked down at the petals
scattered at her feet. �Well
babe, you know that I adore you, I mean look at what
we do� I wouldn�t do
that if I didn�t feel for you�� He plucked another
rose and held it out to
her. It was red, the color of lust, anger and hate.
She pushed his hand
away and the rose fell to the earth. �Touga this is
important. Please, I
want answers not flowers.�
He began to fidget, much like a little boy, he
stepped back, and she stepped
forwards. He blushed his cheeks turning cherry red,
he looked up not meeting
her eyes. �well�� he began. �Are you sure, that you
want the answer? I mean,
its might not be.� He trailed off, and she bent down
and retrieved the rose.
She smiled at him, her words neither a benediction
nor a promise.
�Lie to me?�
Hmmmmmm. Any places where the fanfic didn't receive
comment ... I'd probably just have shrugged and said,
"Show. Don't tell." Much bad mojo to do otherwise.
About the show and tell/stumbling blocks? Gods below
... how do I phrase this? You as a writer are
inviting the reader suspend disbelief and to share
your story/fable/legend/wossname ... and it's your job
to make the transition as smooth as possible. The
very first line (at least in short stories) HAS to
grab the reader by the short and curlies and forcibly
drag him/her/it into the story itself. Awkward
phrases and out of context words tend to jar the
reader out of your story and back into cold reality.
Not good mojo, in my not so humble opinion.
On the bright side though ... I see much promise in
the fic. There's potential here. There a couple of
bright spots (like the ending scene ... cute line) ...
in the fic. Just a little hammering here and there, a
few solder jobs ... and quite a bit of polishing.
This might turn out to be a nice one-shot fic about
Revolutionary Girl Utena. And one of these days, I'll
take my friend's offer up and watch that dang thing.
Irreverently yours,
Whimsy
=====
"If all the idiots in the world died right now, the world
as we know it would be a far duller place to live in..."
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