Jitou
<snip the beginning section>
Great, gripping opening. ^_^ You've deftly hooked the reader in the
first few lines. The detailed descriptions within the introduction and
the preceding paragraphs also help place the reader immediately into
the story.
revealing a secret as older than the dust that covered the floor.
This sentence is a tad off--a slight grammar error, I think. There are
two ways you can employ to remedy this: One, I suggest that you delete the
"as" (thus, "revealing a secret older than the dust. . .") or change the
tense of "old" and editing out "than" (hence, "revealing a secret as old
as the dust. . .").
Various arrays of furniture, a few candleholders now filled with nothing
but formless wax, dotted the room, highlighting a central fixture at the
center of the room--a small wooden coffin.
Somehow, the construction of this sentence is rather strange. It seems
rather like a run-on. I suggest that you play around with it a
bit to make the sentence flow smoother. Here's my example: "Various
arrays of furniture and a few candleholders filled with formless lumps of
wax dotted the room. At the center of the room was a small wooden
coffin." This is a bad example, but I hope you get the gist of it. I
think what you're trying to convey is the significance, the
"centrality" of the coffin in describing the position of the furniture and
candleholders and using the double dashes. The grammar, however, is a bit
off.
coffin, seeing nothing but a pile of decrepit purple robes, almost grey with
age, lying in a pool of ashes.
The tense of the first part of your sentence does not fit in with the
second. There is a term that a friend of mine, Brian Payne, called this
kind of sentence construction, but I can't remember. (I write this kind
of sentence all the time. ^_^) Anyway, I would suggest that you change,
"seeing nothing" to "and saw nothing."
and with a slight pressure the single drop of blood fell from her finger,
mixing with the ashes within the coffin.
Here it is again. I suggest that you re-write it like this: "and with a
slight pressure, the single drop of blood fell from her finger and
mixed. . ."
The figure looked up at her, revealing a dazed looking set of purple eyes, a
deep violet which regarded her with a sleepy expression. A face, like that
of a child, looked up at her, with those deep, purple eyes, red hair framing
features which looked young, yet somehow old at the same time.
Here, the description is a litle redundant. I suggest that you edit out
the bit about the "deep, purple eyes" and "red hair" because you not only
mention these physical qualities in the preceding lines, but in the
previous paragraph as well.
OVERALL COMMENTS:
Good work so far. The pace of the story flows well and the
storytelling is clear and so interesting, I'm anxious to see
more. Your detailed descriptions, as I've mentioned before, place
the reader inside the story--it's so vivid, it's easy to picture the
scenes in your mind.
Aside from the few grammatical errors, this chapter is very well
done. ^_^ Can't wait for the next part!
B.Na