It is good that you moved it to historical Japan. For one thing it moves
it a little away from the romance novel. Incidentally, does anyone know
whether there is a difference between a man's kimono and a woman's kimono?
with me every time Kodachi *isn't*." He turned to get the two swords lying
on the grass, although it was Ukyo's duty to take care of Hanae as her
foster mother, he still tended to her, formally Ranko was the foster mother
of the child, Ukyo was just a friend who took care of her, "I have got to go
Gone a little comma-splice happy there. That one sentence should be a good
three or four sentences. Also, it is internally contradictory.
She flashed him another one of those impromptu smiles of hers, "You could
take me in for a consort."
Consort? Not concubine?
Ranma shuddered, part of the reason Happosai had ordered him to become
Christian was that a doctrine stated that a man was to have only one wife,
it was true he was allowed only one legal wife and could take as much
Why does Happosai want that? If he's just being malicious, might I suggest
that Kodachi's father would make a better overlord? "As many"
consorts as he wanted, but the Christian laws forbid it. His fianc�es could
"forbade"
not follow him afterwards, besides he didn't want any consorts Nabiki took
up most of the wife's duty in the household, the others he himself did. "You
comma splice.
"Hanae really misses you." She pointed out shifting the subject again
when it was not going her way.
Needs a comma after "out"
"You spoil her." Ranma pointed out, though Hanae seems to have impeccable
tense confusion
manners. Ukyo pouted at that and he wondered if women in general really did
pout if they didn't get what they want.
I suspect that instead he'd wonder why women had to pout if they didn't get
what they want, taking the idea that they do for granted.
"You can turn her away." She smiled at him sweetly turning her brown hair
over her fingers again, another mannerism Ranma had noticed. But divorce was
out of the question, there are still reasons why he keeps the sham of a
marriage with Kodachi, even if just for pretense.
tense confusion. Another reason why the elder Kuno would be a good overlord.
He could hardly divorce or put away his overlord's daughter.
What's said in anger is often repented in compliance. Without thinking
"compliance" doesn't make any sense in this context.
standing in the middle of the garden looking at them wistfully. It became
silent, the breeze blew softly against their backs, that Ranma wondered if
it was urging him to go on.
"backs. Ranma wondered"
The doctor raised an eyebrow at what must seem like her odd tumor to him.
"humor"
"Oh, you have a whole Clan of them, Ma'am. You do have a mother-in-law, a
sister-in-law and her husband, and their whole clan too. Oh, and a nephew,
plus that little girl Mr. Saotome has."
"What little girl?"
She hardly counts. In fact I doubt the subject would be raised.
Akane wanted to cry and for a moment, Ifuku felt sympathy for her, but
Ifuku is telepathic? Actually I'd avoid telling us anything about what
Ifuku thinks. Stick to Akane's point of view.
There was a big box to one side that she didn't notice with her earlier
tour, and when she opened it was surprised to find out that they contained
what seemed to be gymnastic materials. She took out a green ribbon, it
I recommend against that. For one thing, those materials hadn't been invented
yet, much less imported to Japan.
That was what Akane did over the weeks. She refused to wear the
restricting corset, but soon her dresses were loose enough that she really
didn't need one.
Nobody wears a corset with a kimono. Nor would she be wearing western
clothing in the 16th century.
It seems that though Buddhist didn't allow for the eating of meat,
Kodachi happily ate pheasant and rabbit, whatever the hawkers can catch for
While Buddhist monks frequently take vows to abstain from eating meat, it
is not true that Buddhism in general doesn't allow it. Tense confusion.
norm, she ate barely an eight of what the Lord Ranma eats. It was a fact
that many in the kitchen met with glee rather than concern.
tense confusion.
His thoughts wandered to the problem that had drawn him away in the first
place. For the past six months, the enemies of Ieyasu Tokugawa have been
mobilizing. Ieyasu is Happosai's therefore also his liege lord, higher up
than even the head of his clan, it was also important to be noted that
Ieyasu was a major daimyo.
Hm... Tokugawa? Tokugawa was the Shogun responsible for the forcible suppression
of Christianity. I'd suggest using Oda Nobunaga who was using Christianity as
a tool against Buddhism, or even just using Happosai (or Kuno) as the daimyo.
Also, this paragraph suffers from yet more tense confusion. Remember, everything
must be put in the past tense, except when it is quoted dialogue.
Ranma stared at her, the dress wasn't supposed bothered him, after all in
"shouldn't have bothered him. After all,"
Will Tatewaki speak like the rest of us? I dunno. [This is 1600's Japan, so
it's a very formalized speech already...]
Yeah, but he'd still be a Heian era wonk and that's from centuries earlier.