A bridge to later chapters, this one's almost all character development, plus the explanation of a few mysteries. Enjoy. Comments and complaints, public or private are welcomed.
LE PLUS CA CHANGE...
Yet Another Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
By Dave Menard
CHAPTER THREE
DISCLAIMER: Takahashi-megamisama did all the real work, I'm
just riding in on her coattails.
**************************
There are certain words and phrases, when spoken
sincerely by a suitor, which even the coldest women can't help
but respond positively to. The mere utterance of them
dramatically increases the level of affectionate feeling by
the speakee towards the speaker. The pleased response seems to
be hardwired into the female human on a genetic level,
somewhere in the DNA or RNA or some other, undiscovered
portion of the genetic code. Phrases like "Are those new
shoes?" or "Wow, you look terrific in that outfit!" or words
like "commitment" or "love" or "chocolate" (not necessarily in
that order).
Unfortunately for Kobuta Hibiki, "You're about as pretty
as a pig" was certainly not one of them.
Now, the reader must understand that the above phrase was
in fact intended to be a compliment of the highest level as
far as Kobuta was concerned. You see, Kobuta Hibiki, like all
those possessing Unryu blood, loved pigs. In fact, to say that
Unryus love pigs is an understatement on a par with saying
that Ranma Saotome is fairly competitive, or that Happosai is
fond of female undergarments. Unryus are in fact pig otakus,
in the truest sense of the word.
Most people, however, are of the opinion that pigs are,
as a rule, fat, filthy, smelly, ugly creatures that
incidentally happen to taste rather good when barbecued.
Certain peoples are actually so convinced of the above facts
that they write edicts forbidding people of their persuasion
from eating the flesh of so unclean an animal. So it is
perhaps understandable that the Sisters Tendo were somewhat...
unimpressed with Kobuta's praise.
As a matter of fact, to say they were unimpressed would
be an understatement on a par with... Oh, you get the idea.
And so it was that the gentle denizens of Nerima were
treated to something they hadn't heard in just over ten years,
the dulcet tones of a martial artist about to enter low Earth
orbit screaming his confusion to the heavens.
"WHAT'D I SAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY???????????"
*************************
In the dojo, two old friends relaxed with a bottle of
sake, having paid their respects at the memorial shrine of the
late mistress of the house.
"So you never told them?" Ryoga whispered, taken aback.
"Well, that explains a few things..."
Ranma coughed, looking vaguely ashamed of himself. "Yes,
well... I just figured it was a part of me they didn't need to
know about."
"B-but... How do you avoid-"
Their discussion was interrupted by an anguished yell,
the familiar sound of a body exiting a structure via the roof,
followed by the sound of the back door being flung open and
rapidly approaching footsteps. Ranma's daughters burst into
the dojo, faces red.
"DADDY!"
"POP!"
"I'm _not_ marrying that baka!" The two girls chorused.
Ranma stood up, angry. "What happened? He didn't try
anything... Improper, did he?"
"Hey, now!" Ryoga barked, rising to his feet. "Kobuta's a
good boy! He'd never-"
"He insulted me!!!" Sachiko yelled.
"He insulted _both_ of us!" Lonko corrected. "That freak
of nature called us PIGS!"
Ranma blinked. Ryoga groaned and rubbed his temples.
"Damnfool boy..." He raised his eyes to the two furious
teenagers. "Girls, please allow me to apologize for my son's
foolish behaviour. Please forgive him, he didn't mean any
harm..."
"Didn't mean any HARM?" Ranma bellowed, apoplectic. "HE
CALLED MY GIRLS PIGS!!!!"
Ryoga swore, cursing his old friend's oddly selective
memory. He had a theory about that, involving damage caused by
repeated blunt force trauma to the head, but he felt guilty
considering it this close to Akane's shrine. Instead, he sat
down with a sigh. "All of you, please, sit down." he patted
the floor in front of him.
The three Tendos stubbornly refused to comply, instead
they continued to glare at him. He sighed again, composing
himself. "Very well, stand if you want. In answer to your
question, I know for a fact my boy meant no harm." He looked
up at the frowning face of his host. "Ranma, do you remember
how I met my wife?"
Ranma blinked, confused by the apparent non-sequitur.
"Yes, you defeated her Sumo pig with one blow, becoming her
fiance..."
Ryoga nodded before continuing, ignoring the disbelieving
looks he was getting from the girls. "And do you remember why
I ran away from her?"
"Err..." Ranma scratched his head. "I know there was
SOMEthing, but..." A light went on upstairs. "Oh, yeah! She
called you a pig! She said you were as handsome as a pig, as
brave as a pig, as-"
"Yes, yes-" Ryoga scowled. "You and Akane eventually
realized that for someone as pig-mad as my wife, those were
meant as terms of endearment."
"Oh course!" Ranma rubbed the back of his head and
laughed. "Young Kobuta's as pig-mad as his mother!"
Lonko sat down hard in a huff. "Nani the fuck?"
"Lonko! Watch your language!" Ranma scolded. Lonko rolled
her eyes.
"You honestly expect us to believe that that baka was
tryin' to pay us a compliment? C'mon Pop, pull the other one."
"It's true!" Ranma said pleadingly. "Why would I lie?"
"Come ON, Daddy..." Sachiko tsked. "That's silly..."
Something clicked as she thought about what Ryoga had said.
"Wait. Did you say something about Sumo Pigs?" She smacked her
fist into her open palm. "Aha! That explains the two pigs in
the garden..." She glanced over her shoulder. "Er, the two
pigs that _were_ in the garden. See Lonko? You must have
missed something. The two don't turn into pigs, they _train_
pigs. You probably just saw Daddy helping Mr. Hibiki to wash
one of the pigs, and imagined the rest!"
"I know what I saw, and I saw Kobuta turn from a pig into
a boy." She glared at her father and their guest. "Somethin'
you wanna tell us about?"
Ranma and Ryoga sighed, looked at each other. Ranma
nodded once.
"Girls," Ranma said heavily. "Do you remember your Aunt
Lonko?"
Lonko blinked hard. "What, you mean the one I'm named
for? Sure. Taught me some of my best moves. Moved away when I
was around eight, right?"
Sachiko nodded. "Didn't you say she joined that Antarctic
research project? The one that was headed by Katsuragi-
sensei's dad?"
"Err..." Ranma sweated. "Not exactly..." He reached over,
picked up the fire bucket and upended it over his head. "Now,"
she said to her speechless daughters, "let me tell you about a
place called Jusenkyo, and why Grandma Saotome has a pet
panda..."
**********************
"...and so I've been using the waterproof soap regularly
ever since; your mother was never really comfortable with my
curse, and I HATED it... Not to mention the fact that your
Auntie Nabiki would never have convinced Kuno to marry her if
"Lonko" hadn't disappeared, despite Kin being almost five...
Filling in the Koi pond helped reduce accidental exposure by
at least fifty percent, and since old lady Yamane with the
ladle and bucket died back in ought-seven, she wasn't a
problem..."
Lonko and Sachiko's eyes were glazed over in shock.
Eventually, Sachiko was the first to speak. "So you, and
Grampa Saotome, and Chugoku's dad... And you, Mr. Hibiki...
You ALL ended up with these weird curses? How come nobody told
US?"
"Well, er... We all sort of made a pact to keep quiet
about it. With all the craziness that used to follow us
around, we figured you kids'd be well clear of it. I don't
know if Chugoku's dad has told her, so I wouldn't mention it.
It's family business, after all. I really shouldn't have told
you about him, but..." He shrugged. "I must ask you both to
keep our curses secret."
"B-but..." Lonko stammered. "What about Kobuta? And Mr.
Hibiki? The way that you said curse victims attract water,
they're sure to 'come out of the pig-pen' in public, then the
whole thing's blown..."
Ryoga cleared his throat. "Actually, we don't mind our
curses. I've gotten used to mine, and Kobuta's had his for
years. We'd never dream of revealing someone's curse against
their wishes. It'd be against the Warrior's Code." He smiled
meaningfully at Ranma. "Besides, unlike your father and I,
Kobuta has his curse by choice. As a matter of fact, I took
him to Jusenkyo myself!"
"WHA-AAT?!" The Tendos cried. "You deliberately cursed
your own son?"
Hey, he WANTED a curse!" Ryoga protested. "How else was
he to learn his mother's school of Pig Sumo?"
All three Tendos goggled. The idea that someone would
actually WANT to be cursed was a little disconcerting.
"So you see," Onna-Ranma said, her blue eyes shining with
joy, "It's really not that big a deal! You might even say it's
tradition for a Tendo woman to marry a man with a curse!"
Lonko cracked her knuckles loudly. "Lissen up Pops! If
YOU think you're gonna get me to marry some pig-loving, shape-
changing FREAK, you're outta your mind!" She moved to begin
pummelling her father/favorite aunt, when a thought occurred
to her. Lightning quick, she reached over, grabbed her kid
sister and planted her in front of her their parent. "Marry
him to Sachiko! SHE was flirtin' with the weirdo in her room!
Said he was cute an' everything!"
Sachiko shrieked, horribly embarrassed and furious. "I
WAS NOT!!! AND _YOU_ SAID HE WAS CUTE, NOT ME!!!"
"Is this true, Sachiko?" Ranma said, her eyes wide and
hopeful. "You were flirting with him? Great! You like him
already!!"
"I do not!"
Ryoga leaned over and nudged Ranma in the ribs. "Remind
you of anyone, Tendo?"
"Hmm..." Ranma tapped a delicate finger against her
jawline. "Yes, yes it does... Then it's decided. Sachiko will
marry Kobuta. It's a good match." She nodded seriously in
unison with Ryoga.
"Are you two completely insane?" Sachiko yelled at the
parents. "He's WEIRD! And he called me a pig!"
"Aw, c'mon, Sacchi..." Lonko teased. "Accordin' to Pops,
that was s'posed to be a term of endearment..."
"RRrrrr LONKO! Stop it!" A sly expression crossed her
face. "But Lonko, dear, DEAR big sister, Kobuta is a martial
artist... Wouldn't YOU be a better choice?"
Lonko looked pale. Ryoga and Ranma turned to each other,
considering. "Well, come to think of it... We DO want to unite
the schools..." Ranma muttered.
"OH no, you don't!" Lonko barked. "I can just teach the
Anything Goes School to whatever little piglets these two
have, that's all. Don't go askin' for more than that!"
"Lonko!" Ranma snapped. "Remember, I AM your father. If I
say you'll marry the boy, you'll marry him!"
"Fat chance, Pop! I'm nineteen! I'm the accredited heir
to the Anything-Goes School! I don't NEED to live here, ya
know. I could write my own ticket to any college in the
country, full athletic scholarships, the WORKS!"
"No!" Ranma pleaded. "You can't do that! The school's
heir must stay here to defend the dojo!"
"Well, kiss that goodbye, if you try to make me marry
against my will, Pop. Or should I be callin' you Mama-san
now?"
Ranma leaned into her daughter so that they were face to
face. "Now listen here, young lady! Don't you talk that way to
your father! I might have taught you everything that you know,
but I didn't teach you everything that _I_ know! You're not to
big for me to put over my knee!"
"Just TRY it, MAMA-SAN!" Lonko yelled back, angrier than
anyone had ever seen her. Ranma didn't look like she was ready
to back down either.
"STOP IT, BOTH OF YOU!!" Sachiko yelled at the top of her
voice. Her family turned to look at her, eyes wide. "I'll
marry him, okay?! I'll marry him! J-just, stop fighting, okay?
Stop fighting..." She ran out of the dojo, tears running down
her face.
"Sachiko..." Ranma said.
"Aw, crap..." Lonko spat. "I didn't mean... Aw, Sacchi,
come back!" She ran out after her. Ranma made to follow, but a
restraining hand from Ryoga held her back.
"Wait until she cools down a bit. You don't want to upset
her further, do you?"
"N-no, but-"
"I think she'll deal with you better after you've had a
hot bath, na?" He glanced significantly down at Ranma's chest,
still defying gravity after all these years.
"Maybe you're right. "Sides, with my luck, Nabs'll bring
Kuno by any minute and then- BOOM! I'll have to kill him, and
then Nabiki'd kill ME..."
"Right..."
***********************************
Kobuta found that he wasn't enjoying his first taste of
unassisted flight via Air Tendo. His jaw ached considerably
from where Lonko had drilled him, and he knew that despite the
remarkable height, distance and hang-time he'd achieved,
eventually he was going to come dow, and come down HARD. And
that would hurt. A lot.
"What the heck is their problem, anyway? I was just
trying to be nice..." He glanced around at the slowly
approaching ground beneath him, looking for a soft place to
land. Unfortunately, when travelling at a certain velocity,
there is no such thing as a "soft place to land". With a
regretful sigh, he went loose and prepared for pain.
**********************************
Some distance beneath, at the end of Kobuta's rather
impressive parabolic arc, two lovely women were disembarking
from the evening hovercraft from the Chinese mainland.
"<How marvelous!>" said the younger of the two in an
obscure dialect of mandarin. "<At last, Tokyo! Revered Aunt,
this one is quite overjoyed!!>"
"In Japanese, child. You must get all the practice you
can." scolded the older one affectionately.
"Ti-Pi is so happy! Finally, we is in Tokyo!" the younger
giggled, hopping up and down with barely constrained glee. Her
older companion smiled kindly down at her and nodded.
"Yes, child. And if there's anywhere I can find my
favorite niece a strong husband, it's here." Not to mention
look up a certain old flame who happens to be single again,
she added mentally. I just hope he aged better than his fool
of a father...
Without warning, a flying body ploughed through the roof
of the pier overhang and crashed into Ti-Pi, knocking her into
the polluted waters of Tokyo Harbour.
Ti-Pi's aunt rushed to the edge of the pier, dropping her
bags and pulling a pair of well-used bonbori from someplace.
"Ti-Pi? Niece? Oh, goddess, don't make me go in after her, I-"
She was saved from diving in after her youthful charge
when Ti-Pi burst from the dirty waters, a pair of feathered
wings sprouting from her back.
Cries of "it's an angel!" went up from the tourists and
commuters on the pier. Ti-Pi was, if anything, an avenging
angel as she swooped down to clutch the creature that struck
her in her taloned feet. With a grunt of effort, she dropped
the unconscious beast on the pier in front of her aunt.
"A wild boar?" Ti-Pi's aunt asked of the air in confusion.
Since when to pigs fall from the sky? "Did it fall out of a
cargo plane or something?"
"No, Honored Aunt," Ti-Pi said apprehensively. "Pig was
BOY when struck Ti-Pi. Became pig when hit water! You think is
maybe person with Junsenkyo curse?"
"Hmm..." Ti-Pi's aunt stroked her chin. "If he IS a
victim of Jusenkyo, he's probably a decent warrior at the
least... Niece, I think the goddess smiles on us tonight. Grab
the pig, and follow me..."
***********************
Lonko found Sachiko in her room, face down on the bed,
head buried in the pillow.
"Hey, Sacchi? Sacchi? You listenin'?" Sachiko made no
response. "Fine, ignore me why don'cha..." Still no response.
Lonko sighed. "Alright, fine. Don't answer me, but lissen up,
'cause I'm only gonna say this once, okay? I'm sorry..."
Sachiko grunted once.
"Yeah, okay fine." Lonko groused. "You wanna be like
that, that's your problem. But I ain't leavin' 'till you hear
me out, got that?"
Another grunt. With a sigh, Lonko sat down on the bed
next to her little sister. Sachiko rolled over, a questioning
look on her face.
"What?" Lonko teased. "You don't mind if I get
comfortable while I grovel, do ya, Sacchi?" Sachiko blinked,
and removed the tiny earbuds from her ears.
"Did you say something? I had my tunes up pretty loud..."
Lonko groaned. "Aw, geez! Well, I ain't goin' through
that again!"
"No, what was is you wanted to say? Make it quick, I'm
angsting here..." Sachiko said curtly. Lonko rubbed the back
of her head and began again.
"Well, here goes, kiddo. Look, I know you hate it when
Pop an' me fight... But you gotta understand, that's just our
way, y'know? Mom 'n Pop used to scrap all the time. It's just
the way we do things, is all..."
"I hate it! It's not... It's not _normal_! NORMAL people
have reasoned discussions when they disagree! NORMAL people
don't call names once they're over the age of twelve! You two
just go ahead and RIP INTO each other in front of GUESTS, no
less... Most importantly, NORMAL people DO NOT CHANGE SHAPE
WHEN COVERED WITH WATER!!!! Sometimes I'm ashamed to be part
of this family..."
"HEY! That ain't fair! An' besides, you hardly ARE part
of this family, anyway! Always makin' fun of the Art, actin'
like you're SO-OO superior when you're really just afraid to
get your hands dirty and show a little discipline! Well,
listen little-miss-princess, I'm sick of this crap! You're
just gonna hafta accept that the Tendos are a Martial Arts
family, and that makes us a little different from other
folks."
"Ahh, rubbish!" Sachiko yelled. "Auntie Kasumi doesn't do
martial arts! Auntie Nabiki doesn't do martial arts! You can
SO be a Tendo and not be some kind of thug!"
"Fine, you wanna be like Auntie K and Auntie Nabiki?
Great! Terrific! Nothin'll make Pops happier! Just do what
they did, and _marry_ a martial artist!"
THAT shut Sachiko down. She frowned. "I already AM,
thanks to you and Daddy..."
"So say no! What's the worst Pop can do to you, huh?
Yell? He said he wanted us to _consider_ marrying the pig-boy,
he didn't say we _had_ to..."
"You _know_ what he meant..."
"No, I don't. Remember what Auntie Nabiki taught us.
Lesson 28 in gettin' around Daddy. Remember?"
"Huh? Lesson 28... Was that 'just say Yes Daddy and do it
anyway'?"
"Close. Try 'Follow the _letter_ of the rule, not the
spirit'. You follow me?"
"So... Hey, that might work! I'll agree to the
engagement, then make Kobuta's life such a living hell, HE'LL
dump ME!!!"
"Err, no, I meant... Oh, well, that could work, I
suppose. Kinda mean, though..."
"Well, too bad! I'm fighting for my FREEDOM here! That's
worth a few bruised feelings, I think!"
"Ooo-kayyy... You LOVE to make things hard on yourself,
don't you?"
"What's that supposed to mean?!"
"Ah, cripes, never mind. I've had about all of this I can
stand. Let's talk about somethin' else, okay?"
"Like what?"
"Well... D'you think my boobs are gonna be as nice as
Pops' when I'M his age?"
"Geez!!!"
*************************
Ti-Pi flapped her wings furiously, desperately trying to
keep aloft while carrying close to three quarters of a metric
tonne worth of boar in her talons.
"Honoured- MMph! Aunt... Ti-Pi is- Ngggrrr... Getting
tired... Is much farther to- Hhhhnnn! Go?"
Ti-Pi's aunt jogged along underneath, pleased to note
that little had changed in Nerima since her previous visit.
"Not much farther now, Niece. Unless he has moved, we'll
be there... Aha! Ti-Pi, you may drop the pig."
Ti-Pi's aunt took a moment to extricate herself out from
under the vast girth of the boar.
"I should not have to specify _not_ to drop it on me,
Niece..." She glared at her youthful charge. "Now, use the
thermos and change back; no sense in showing all our cards."
"Aiyah! Yes, Honoured Aunt! Ti-Pi understands!"
The Chinese women and their porcine burden were stopped
in front of a small acupuncture and moxibustion clinic. Ti-
Pi's aunt sigh happily. Simpler times, they were, when she
briefly worked as a nurse for the kindly Japanese doctor. As
Ti-Pi doused herself, (causing her wings to disappear and
turning her taloned claws into hands and feet,) her aunt
walked up to the door and knocked politely, remembering that
these Japanese were very big on waiting to be admitted to a
room before entering.
In moment, the door slid open with an electronic beep,
starling the Matriarch. The outside world had certainly
changed, she noted ruefully. A pleasant featured, bespectacled
boy of perhaps eighteen summers appeared in the doorway,
wearing a welcome smile.
"Hello, welcome to the Tofu clinic, how can I help you-
Oh my! Is that _your_ pig? I'm afraid we're not equipped for
veterinary medicine, you'll have to go down the block to
Shimoto-san's..."
"No, the pig isn't a patient, young sir," Ti-Pi's aunt
said with a smile. "May I speak with the doctor? We're old
friends, and I'd like to say hello..."
"Oh, of course. I'll fetch the doctor right away." He
paused, searching for away to accommodate the twin necessities
of hospitality and hygiene. "I'm afraid I'll have to ask you
and your pig to wait outside. The germs..."
"I understand perfectly young sir." The Matriarch bowed,
smiling, as the young man disappeared inside. Seeing an
opportunity for a lesson, she turned to Ti-Pi.
"Now, Niece, did you see how I handled that? One doesn't
simply go barging in to a Japanese home or business, one waits
to be invited."
"But Auntie, is silly! Back in village, to make guest
wait outside in elements is too-too rude! Japanese persons
have no manners..."
"Never mind that, child. Remember, we are here as
ambassadors of our people, and should behave with dignity and
respect the customs of these backward folk. Understand?"
"Yes, Auntie, Ti-Pi understands."
"Good." No sooner had she finished, than the door opened
once more, revealing a familiar face.
"Yes, I'm the doctor, how can I help you- Shampoo? Why
hello!" A radiant smile broke across the doctor's face.
Ti-Pi's aunt's eyes widened. "Nice-girl-Kasumi?"
***********************
TO BE CONTINUED...
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Allyn, Esa, Lone Wolf and the
rest for oh-so-useful C+C on previous chapters. Any problems
are my fault, not theirs.
Here Endeth The Lesson.
Spa Fon!
-------------------------------------------
Dave Menard
Keeper of Pink's Hammer of Vengeance
Knight of the Combat Fiancees
Member of the Space Pirates Guild
http://www.angelfire.com/anime/spacepiratesguild/
"I would not, could not kill the King... I would not poison Anything!"
--Green Eggs and Hamlet