Hi,
My comments##
Date:
Wed, 19 Apr 2000 10:50:55 +1000
From:
Phil <kagami@jeack.com.au> | Block address
To:
Allyn Yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com>
CC:
ffml@fanfic.com
Subject:
Re: [FFML] [fanfic][SM]Sukeban Senshi Chapter
7 part 3
of 3
Chapter 7 of Sukeban Senshi! Wai!
First off, let me say I love this grim, gritty, almost
brutal, yet
endearing story. The wonderful prose and excellent
story flow overcome
any and all errors in grammatical form, and that is
the greatest
compliment I can pay to a fic. People, if you haven't
read Sukeban
Senshi, give it a try - it's worth every moment of
your time.
##<blush> Thank you very much.
Of course, being the perfectionist reader that I am, I
have to weigh in
to try and correct the common errors in the fic - all
in the hopes of
further improving the story. :)
I would have liked to have corrected each and every
one in the story,
but I don't have the time (or the energy, admittedly
:), so I'll
provide
the grammatical ground rules as I see them. Note that
my own usage of
commas is not excellent, but these are the incidents
that I'm fairly
confident about.
##ooops. Thanks for the help. Ummm, I must appologize
to some of my pre-readers. I corrected _some_ of these
problems
after they went to the trouble and time to help me.
And _then_,
somewhere along the line I over-wrote the corrected
version with
an older copy of the text. :(
That said, I very much appreciate your taking the time
and effort
to show me the problems in my text and how to fix
them. Thanks.
(I'm saving a copy to my HD for future reference. )
As always, all C&C are my opinions and suggestions
only.
<SNIP>
Okay, that's it from me about grammar - Whew! :)
## It's hard for me to correct my errors since I
_know_ what's
supposed to be on the paper (or the electronic
equivalent) Plus, my
writing style is such that I have to write _very_ fast
to keep up my thoughts.
NOT conducive to grammatical coherence. ^_^ Again,
thanks for all the
help.
I know I'm not terribly good at following the grammar
rules myself, but
Vince, Gary, and many other people have been kind
enough to indicate
the areas that need work in my fics, so I guess I'm
passing the help along.
## I appreciate it.
Now to my second point. This one is more of a personal
opinion than
anything else, so feel free to disregard it. It
concerns Part 3 where
Soban gets a rapid power-up.
##Well, not exactly. This really isn't Soban as such.
The tone of the story changed extremely
quickly, to the point where it was fairly jarring,
compared to the
conversational tone of the fic thus far. The scenes
were still
impressive, and the descriptive narrative was awesome,
but somehow it
still felt a little lacking.
##Oh dear. I'll go back and see what I can do. I do
_not_
want to jar my readers. OTOH the transformation
scene came first. AND it was _not_ at all what I had
envisioned.
I was as surprised as anyone at the transformation.
(Ummm, could you give a _little_ more detail on what
you found
to be jarring? Or lacking?)
This may have been your intention - to separate and
therefore dramatize
the ending - so I'm trying to remain objective here.
##That was not my intention. It just wrote itself that
way.
I'll just say that
one of the most appealing things about Soban is her
tough exterior and
hidden vulnerabilities (and come on, who can resist
tough girls with
weaknesses? :), and the way she gets the job done
despite those
problems. For her to turn into a 'God-eater', lessens
much of that
earlier characterization, IMHO.
##Ah ha! I think I see part of what you are worried
about. That I've
turned Soban into an Uber-Sailor. Not to worry. This
is a _different_
transformation, and certainly not the Sailor Moon Luna
was expecting
(or me, for that matter) but it has NOT turned Soban
into an invincible
warrior. Far from it. Being a God-eater has it's own
set of problems.
(for one thing, there aren't that many gods around to
eat. Makes for rather
lean pickings.) Hopefully Chapter 8 (in the works. )
will make things a little
clearer.
Well, that's it. Hope this helps!
Phil.
##It did. And thanks so much for writing. I'm always
happy to hear
from readers. And to have them take the time and
trouble to C&C
is a real treat.
O_*
##ps: I assure you that things are going to get MUCH
worse for Soban
in the near future.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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