C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
[short story deleted]
Like most major cities, Tokyo, Japan, has districts. Usually, these were
originally towns that simply got absorbed when Tokyo expanded its borders.
One of them, Juuban, has been of late, the home of many sightings of girls in
sailor suits battling monsters.
Then there's Nerima.
I'm going to brutally honest with you. On any other day, I would
have stopped reading the fic right here. I've seen zillions of
stories that open up describing Nerima as a magical place, or with
strange amounts of rain, or unusual amounts of chaos.
Usually, those fics aren't any good.
Try opening your story with something that will grab the reader's
attention. Go right into the action, or open with an interesting
quote or observation. What you've written serves as little more
than the caption: "[SCENE: NERIMA]"
Nerima's a small, quiet district on Tokyo's northwestern side. Its mostly
home to traditional Japanese restaurants, shops, and artists. Canals run
through it, and the air is filled with the smells of food, oils and men and
women shouting at each other.
suggest: and the sounds or men and women
(Is the air really filled with men and women? ^_^)
Please note that your first and last sentences
contradict each other. Is it quiet, or loud?
Years ago, the area was home to magicians, sorcerers, and alchemists. Some of
what they wrought still lingers and in the quiet early morning light, you can
feel it, a slight tingle along the hairs on the back of your neck. Nerima is
alive. Not alive as you or I might define the term, but nevertheless, there
is a sort of awareness about the place, which gives rise to many tales and
traditions.
Why are you talking to me? Dropping the second person ("you")
into a story is incredibly distracting. A reader can't become
engrossed in the story if the author pops out and addresses them
directly. Remove all references to youself ("I"), and try to
replace "you"s with more general pronouns.
For example, "One can feel a slight tingle..." or "A person could.."
One of those tales tells of how Nerima is protected by a Guardian. A physical
powerhouse which is usually in the form of a great white tiger, though it has
been known to use other forms.
Ryo: Is that you, White Blaze?
Of late, the current Guardian is believed to be one Ranma Saotome, a teenaged
martial artist who has managed to come out on top in almost every challenge
he has come to.
Believed by whom? I've never heard anything like this. What
you're doing is describing the premise of your story (namely,
the idea that Nerima has a guardian). But it's better to let
that come out from the story itself. As Gary would say, don't
just SAY how it is, SHOW how it is.
Perhaps the simplest way for you to do this is to replace your
intro with you talking to the reader with a conversation between
two characters within the story itself.
For example, Yuka could be telling Sayuri how she heard about
"this story that Nerima used to be filled with magic users, and
always had a tiger guardian." "Ooh, you mean like Ranma?"
"Well, he does act like a cat, sometimes..."
Alternatively, show us one of these people you claim believes
the current Guardian is Ranma. The conversation could then be
him or her trying to convince someone else.
ALMOST every challenge. . . .
**********
"Oh ho ho oh Ranma darling!"
punc: ho! Oh, Ranma darling!"
or: ho ho! Ranma, darling!"
(When addressing a person, set their name
from the rest of the sentence with commas.)
"Kodachi!" Ranma yelped as he leapt out the way of the spiked gymnastics club
that came whistling down from the rooftops.
punc: yelped, as he
That's a pretty long sentence. You might want to try to
split it up into two sentences so it reads more easily.
Confused? You should be if you're new to Nerima. Ah, so you are. I suppose
you're also wondering why the locals aren't reacting to the fight?
Again, you're breaking into the action. Things start getting
interesting, but instead of letting us get drawn into the fight,
you pull us aside and start talking to us.
And worst of all, you're not saying anything the readers don't
already know. Just delete this whole description of the life
story of Ranma.
Almost everyone who's reading a Ranma fic will know the premise,
and doesn't need or want a recap.
[recap ignored]
Ranma darted around the corner, ducking the spiked rings that she threw. He
didn't want to run but he was supposed to meet Akane at the Nekohaten and he
didn't want to be late.
punc: to run, but
sp: Nekohanten
(I'd just use Cat Cafe -- it's harder to misspell ;)
punc: Nekohanten, and
(When you use a conjunction like "but" or "and" that
joins complete sentences, put a comma between them.)
You're using "he" a lot. Try to intersperse it with
other words: "Ranma", "the pig-tailed martial artist",
"Kodachi's true love", etc.
It was at that point that a car turned the corner and splashed Ranma with
water.
Now aside from the fact that Ranma was wearing silk, which is absolutely
destroyed by water, there is that other problem that was mentioned earlier.
sp: Now, aside
punc: silk -- which ... water --
or: silk (which is ... water)
Suggest you delete this paragraph.
Ranma groaned as he felt the tingling sensation that signaled the change.
"Why now?" She asked no one in particular as she leapt to the roof of a car
as gymnastics clubs hammered the spot where she had been standing a moment
earlier.
Another really long sentence. Try getting rid of one or more of
the "as"s: "Why now?" she muttered. Leaping onto the roof of
a car, she avoided the gymastics clubs that rained down on the spot
where she had been standing a moment before."
[Recap of Jusenkyo deleted -- suggest you do the same]
Now that we're all caught up on explanations, I'm going to quit breaking the
fourth wall and get on with the story.
Better yet, just don't break the fourth wall!
Using the car roof as a springboards, Ranma jumped to the top of a light pole
and from there to an awning, which catapulted her to the roof of a small
store.
sp: springboard
Kodachi followed.
"You! Where is my Darling Ranma?"
cap: darling Ranma
(If she was using "Darling" as a name, you'd capitalize it, but
here it's an adjective. You wouldn't say, "Where is my Agile
Ranma" would you?)
"I'm right here." Ranma pointed out, even though she knew it was useless. Like
her brother, Kodachi firmly believed that Ranma's boy and girl half were
separate people and that the girl half was evil.
Not quite. Kuno thinks that Ranma's boy half is evil...
"Lies!" Kodachi screamed and lashed out with her ribbon. Ducking, Ranma
sprinted to the edge of the roof and leapt off, aiming for the roof of the
next building.
suggest: aiming for the top of
(Avoid the repeated use of "roof".)
This response from Kodachi doesn't really fit. Wouldn't it be more
like, "I don't care where YOU are, I want to know where you've
spirited my Ranma!"
Unfortunutly, she miscalculated and instead plunged down to land in a heap of
trash piled along the narrow alley between the two buildings.
sp: Unfortunately
Another long sentence. And I'm not sure why you made it a
separate paragraph.
Stunned by the impact, she rolled over and tried to stand as Kodachi
approached, carrying a spiked club.
You're using "as" WAY too much. It seems to be a leading cause
of your longer sentences. Try using different words, or changing
the structure of the sentence a bit:
"tried to stand, while Kodachi approached."
"At last, I will eliminate you, and then Ranma will be mine." Kodachi
chuckled and took a firm grip on the club. "The ribbon was coated with my
paralysis powder and these spikes are coated with poison. Your death will be
slow and painful. Oh ho ho ho ho!"
Kodachi has never used poison; only paralysis and sleeping powders.
Why is she suddenly out to kill Ranma? This reads like you haven't
put any though into the motivations of her character. That's shoddy
workmanship.
Ranma's eyes widened and she redoubled her efforts to stand. But her body
refused to cooperate and she could only lay there.
When I first read this, I wondered why she couldn't stand; all she
did was fall into a pile of trash. Then I realized that Kodachi
said that the ribbon *was* covered with paralysis power. I'll
assume, then, that she hit him with it, even though you never said
anything.
Presumably it happened when she "lashed out" at him. You never
said, though, that she hit.
Of course, I still don't know why Kodachi is trying to kill Ranma.
Normally, she'd just try to beat boy-type's location out of her.
"Good-bye," Kodachi said simply, and raised the club. Ranma closed her eyes
and said her good-byes, bracing herself for the impact. But instead the world
was shattered by a loud roar.
gram: said simply and raised the club.
(When "and" or "but" are used as conjunctions, and
the sentences can not stand alone, don't use a comma.)
suggest: said simply, raising her club...
for the impact. Instead, the world
Opening her eyes, Ranma saw Kodachi being menaced by a huge white tiger.
"So," Kodachi's eyes narrowed. "My brother is correct, Ranma Saotome does
consort with the forces of darkness!" She looked over at Ranma. "And its your
fault witch!" With that, she bounded away into the street and vanished into
the crowd.
sp: it's
(its means "belonging to it", it's means "it is".)
punc: fault, witch!"
(Kodachi is addressing "the witch".
Set her off from the rest of the sentence with commas)
This makes no sense. Why would Kodachi seeing a white tiger come to
girl-type Ranma's aid make her think that *boy-type* Ranma consorts
with the forces of darkness?
For a moment, the tiger seemed ready to give chase and then it stopped and
looked back at Ranma. It stood there, glancing from the mouth of the alley
and Ranma's prone form then it sighed and padded over to him.
Carefully, it leveled him up onto its back and then turned and ran, moving
with such grace that Ranma was not jostled from his precarious perch.
Ranma would be running for his life, paralyzed with fear, or be in
the process of beating the crap out of the tiger with the Cat Fist.
Ignoring Ranma's phobia is a rather glaring oversight.
================
Kasumi hummed to herself as she took the laundry down, eyeing the clouds
gathering on the horizon. It would rain tonight, perhaps tomorrow and she
made a mental note to get the raincoats out for Ranma.
gram: It would rain tonight, or perhaps tomorrow. She made
Turning, she witnessed a giant white tiger leap over the back wall and land
lightly on the grass.
"Oh my!" Kasumi gasped, dropping the laundry. On the beast's back was Ranma.
"Inside," Kasumi said, indicating the house. "quickly, before anyone sees."
cap: "Quickly, before
Once inside, Kasumi slid Ranma from the tiger's back and then crouched over
her.
"Kodachi. . .paralysis powder. . ." Ranma groaned.
"I'll summon Doctor Tofu," Kasumi said gently. "Now rest." With that, she
touched a specific spot and Ranma's eyes fluttered and closed.
Wow. Touching a spot on the laundry and Ranma falls asleep?
Neat trick! ^_^ Or perhaps you meant that she touched Ranma?
Also, if it's been two years since Ranma's arrived, then Tofu's
gone.
Standing, Kasumi stood and looked at the tiger, which had not moved. "Go
now," she said firmly. "You are no longer needed in this matter."
The tiger shuddered and then began to shrink, gradually resolving into a
teenaged girl dressed in blue overalls and a red shirt.
Nabiki Tendo looked up at Kasumi with terrified eyes.
Okay, well that was different... :)
"Kasumi?" She asked quietly.
"Go wash your face and then lie down," Kasumi said. "I will explain
everything after Doctor Tofu examines Ranma."
Nodding, Nabiki stood and sort of staggered up the stairs.
Sort of? Did she stagger or not?
suggest: Nabiki stood and staggered up
When she was gone, Kasumi walked to the phone and dialed Tofu's number. While
the phone at the other end rang, Kasumi glanced back at Ranma, her expression
one of worry.
Why did it have to be Nabiki? And why now?
You've got a lot long and awkward sentences. Try rereading
your story out loud, as see how well they sound. Review at
every use of "as", and see if t can be removed, or replaced
with something else.
I liked the ending. The guardian isn't Ranma, and this doesn't
seem to be some power a super-Nabiki has been hiding all long.
She's more confused about what's going on than Ranma.
Unfortunately, the payoff wasn't worth what it took to get there.
You repeatedly break the "fourth wall," explain the premise of
Ranma 1/2, have out-of-character behavior for Kodachi trying
to kill Ranma, and out-of-character for Ranma ignoring the cat.
Hopefully you can think of another reason for the guardian to
come to Ranma's rescue, or at least give a plausible reason for
Kodachi and Ranma's oddball behavior.
Later,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"