* * * * *
[No Need for Tenchi!]
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Title: Kiyone Muyo!
Review:
You know, my main problem with this is the little
details. And your style is too minimalist. Give us
broader descriptions, show more of the world. And the
fact that you are quite good at the language is a plus
on that, though you have too many short scenes,
jumping around. Mostly my major complaint is when you
change scene, don't just put in the location on top of
the scene. Describe and show.
The main reason for those scene designations were
to fix a formating problem I was having where it was
difficult to tell if a scene had been switched....
hmmm....adding in description would be more to my
appeal as well. Didn't think about it since I had
does scene location lines...should be an easy enough
fix....though that might take forever on the
rewrite...hmmm
Also your dialogue, though having its brilliant
moments, is usually...I don't know...cardboardy?
There's the feel to it that I can cut it with
scissors if I wanted to. Try to liven up bothe the
dialogue and set descriptions.
Thanks, I'll do a quick overlook of it....dialogue
is annoyingly difficult for me sometimes...and, again,
I agree on the set descriptions.
* * * * *
[Ranma 1/2]
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Title: The Amazon and the Moneylender
Review:
Okay, concept's pretty good and all that. No
complaints, though I am somewhat...I dunno...turned
off. Anyway, formatting again. just put spaces between
your paragraphs and the convenient asterisks between
scenes, okay. That'd make it a hell of a lot easier.
Asterisks? Oh bloody....why didn't I think of
that. And I never expected everybody to like this
one, I half expected to be marked as a pariah for
writing it (this was before I learned about yaoi and
yuri) but the idea kept pounding away for several days
until I did.
On your style, see my earlier review.
No Problem....thanks for the advice....good C&C is
hard to find
=====
"Caffeinated Kender? What's that, a berserk spell?" -
Tribble, Kender Warrior of the Celestial Kingdom
Signed
He of Too Many Names (Thrythlind/Thryth/Luke/Hyperbole/Pika/Pooka)
http://members.aol.com/thrythlind/snake.html
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