Kawaii_Cabbit[BOFH] wrote:
Heya, it's lurker boy (mostly) on his first C&C.
Wai! It's nice to see a lurker decloak. :)
Please don't kill me.
Nah, no chance of that happening. I know C&C represents a good bit of time and
effort on the C&Cer's part, so I always appreciate it.
Don't look for timeline accuracy here, people. :)
Where?
Well, the story's supposed to be alt-uni at the point where Unit-01 munches
Touji's Angel-infested production model, but certain events (like Kaji being
already dead) don't match that.
C&C is most welcome.
I'm doing something worthwhile!
Yup! Very worthwhile.
Every eye in the classroom was focused on the figure that
held out the gift-wrapped box of chocolates to Asuka.
Enough attention was left over for the red-headed girl that
her face flushed to match the colour of her hair, though it
was impossible to tell whether from anger or embarassment.
Hm. That last sentence seems a bit long. Maybe "Enough attention was left
over for the red-headed girl that her face flushed to match the colour of
her hair. It was impossible to tell if it was from anger or embarrasment,
though".
Nods. I've been thinking of splitting the sentence, so it looks like I'll be using
something like this.
"Verdammt, Wonder Girl!" Asuka choked out. "You're not
supposed to give chocolates to another girl! Just to some
idiot boy that you like! Heck, I'm from Germany, but even I
know about the stupid reversed way the Japanese do
Valentine's Day!"
I'm not sure, but isn't it "Verdamnt"? Asuka would probably say "pervert" or
Probably. My German is pretty much non-existant.
"hentai" instead of "idiot" there. Hm. By the way, I'm picking this part
Hmm. Not sure about this one. 'Idiot' seems to suit the situation better than
'pervert', IMO. I'll think a bit more about it.
ridiculously, if you don't think it sdhould be changed just hit me and say
bad cabbit or something. I don't think Asuka'd use "Heck", "Hell" suits her
more. Maybe a little emphasis on I, like _I_ or *I*. Asuka always gets
puffed up about herself when she's mad.
I'll probably change it to 'Hell', but refrain on the emphasis. I don't really
like using emphasis unless the part really, really calls for it. :)
Rei's hand did not move. "But the advice was not gender-
specific. I am supposed to give chocolates to anyone I like
or wish to get along with."
Maybe you should have Rei pause after "anyone I like" while Asuka freaks
out. jsut for comic effect.
Heh. Good idea. Will do.
"Then give them to baka Shinji or something!"
"I have already given Ikari-kun his chocolates."
Asuka was ready to raise another protest when a couple of
voices piped up from the rear.
I think Kensuke and Touji sat around the middle of the class. But it's been
awhile so don't trust me on that.
Hmm. I intended it to mean Asuka's rear, so I'll change it to 'behind her'
instead.
"Actually, this would explain a lot of things." Touji
chuckled heartily.
"Right," added Kensuke. "Like why Asuka's so aggressive
all the time, why she has that old guy as a 'boyfriend',
and why she hangs around Hikari all the time."
Mayhaps a comment about domination and submission?
Nah, probably too strong for this piece of light fluff. :)
"Hey! You leave Hikari out of this," Touji sputtered.
At the front of the classroom, Hikari surreptitiously
edged her desk forward a few centimeters, while Shinji
stuck a wad of tissue up his right nostril.
"The blood, being crafty, changed tactics and splurted out his left nostril."
Hehe. :)
"Arschloch!" Asuka fired back at two of the Three Stooges,
before turning back to Rei. "Look, Wonder Girl, this is all
just a stupid misunderstanding. Who the hell gave you that
advice anyway?"
Nothing to nitpick ><
:)
"Ritsuko-sempai?" Maya coughed hesitantly at the doorway
to Doctor Akagi's room. "I'm not interrupting anything, am
I?"
im not sure about coughing hesitantly, sounds bette with "knocking?"
Okay, you're the second person to point that out, so I'll change it to 'hesitated
at the doorway to Doctor Akagi's room and coughed politely.'
Ritsuko laid down the latest Evangelion status report and
looked up. "No, Maya. What can I do for you?"
Well, you could-- Maya hastily banished the wayward
thought. "Um, I seem to have have baked an excess of
chocolate last night and I was wondering if you'd like some?"
"hastily banished the wayward thought, until later..." Everyone loves
innuendo.
Hehe, yah, that seems better.
"chocolates" unless she's just handing out big slabs of chocolate
with no filling, in which case I jsut made a fool of myself.
Actually, I can just picture her with a large chocolate heart at this point. :)
I might add that in.
"So how many did you get?" Shigeru asked Makoto, casually
biting into the creamy center of a white chocolate
confectionary. NERV central was fairly quiet and empty but
for the two operators.
"except for" "but for" doesnt sound right. probably got something to do with
"hey, you got a buttfor on your arm" "whats a butt for?" *insert childish
laughing here*
Right. Will change.
Black ghosts of misery hung over Makoto's hunched form and
he failed to answer. His finger continued to tap the enter
key on the keyboard as if the task would relieve the
stretching silence.
I like that. "Black ghosts of misery"
I've been watching too much 'Child's Toy' where this happens a lot, which gave me
the idea for the phrase. :)
"Not a single one, eh?" Shigeru said as he progressed from
the white cream to darker, richer, and slightly bitter
chocolate offerings.
"Look, Shigeru, it's not like we're kids in school
anymore, keeping track of how many girls like us!" Makoto
flared up.
"Not even from Misato, eh?" Shigeru added with false
sympathy.
That sounds more like teasing to me...
Yup, it is.
Misato Katsuragi laid the box of chocolates on top of the
neat grave. "Well, Kaji, you always did like creamy-
centers, so I hope you'll like these."
Myabe you should make them cherry filled (Kajin likes cherries ;P)
Heh.
Kaji: Nah, I like Misato more. If I wasn't dead, I'd show you.
The grave remained silent.
"The grave remained silent, as most tend to do."
*Hwooooooo* (As the sound effect :)
"Status?" Commander Ikari rested his chin on his woven
fingers.
"All three Evas ready for launch, sir!" Maya proclaimed.
"Pattern Blue definite! Angel coming into video feed
view," Makoto added.
"visual range" sounds better than "video feed view"
Right. Will change.
The large hanging mainscreen flickered, then produced the
image of open air and flat land near Tokyo-3. Fuyutsuki
stared at the picture, willing the Angel to come into view.
An indistinct shape began to protrude from the left of the
screen, and he bent over to whisper into the Commander's ear.
There isn't any open air and flat land, it was all hilly as seen throughout
the series :P.
Hmm. I sort of recall it flattens out near the city itself. I could be wrong
though. I'll clarify it.
"An indistinct shape began to protrude from the left of the
screen while Fuyutski bent over to whisper into the Commander's ear."
Hmm. I meant the events to be sequential, actually, so I'll keep it as is.
"It's about time for the Fiftee-- Good Lord! Is that an
_Easter EGG_?"
"Finally, the Fifteenth Angel has arri-- Good Lord! Is that an _EASTER EGG_!?"
Ah, much better. Thanks.
Gendo commendably managed to avoid jumping as the yell
erupted less than ten centimeters away from his eardrums,
though he shook his head irritably. The incoming Angel did
look remarkably like gilt-foiled, giant-sized chocolate
egg, but it was probably just coincidence. Gendo resumed
his interrupted posture.
"Composition of the Eg-- ah, Angel is unknown," Shigeru
said.
maybe a comment about it raising/not having raised an AT field yet.
Perhaps. Not sure if it is needed.
"Is that an Easter Egg?" Shinji wondered as he moved Unit-
01 towards the target.
"Is that an Easter Egg!?" Shinji exclaimed" If I saw a giant easter egg, I'd
be pretty damn flabbergasted. Maybe enough to make the robot I was
controlling to stop dead in its tracks. Just a suggestion.
Ah, but this is Shinji though. He's not likely to really exclaim over anything.
A small screen popped up in front of him, revealing
Asuka's glaring face. "Baka! How can it be an Easter Egg?
It's just some clever disguise!"
"Really?"
"Of course! I'll show you! I'll crack it just like Humpty
Dumpty!"
With that, Eva-02 raced ahead of its compatriots, ignoring
Shinji's weak "I thought you said it wasn't an egg?"
"Shinji's weak reply"
I take your point, but I meant it the original way.
The red production model closed the gap to the floating
egg-shaped Angel swiftly, progressive knife held ready. "I
have you now!" Asuka yelled fiercely.
maybe "held at the ready"
I'll change it to 'held poised'.
A blast of brown sludge erupted from the Angel and slammed
into her machine, sending it tumbling to the ground. The
sticky fluid held it down as effectively as industrial-
strength glue despite Asuka's desperate attempts at recovery.
"What the hell is this?!" she screamed.
hm. maybe "_IS_" Asuka has a tendency to emphasize words like that in bad
situations.
True. I just don't like emphasis. Readers will probably be able to infer it,
knowing Asuka's character. :)
Ritsuko's face appeared over another screen. "Initial
analysis indicate it to be chocolate syrup. Just hold on,
Asuka."
Maybe a brand name? Cadbury, Hershey... :P
Ah, but they're all just brown sludge in the end. :)
"Units-00 and -01 will advance and engage the enemy. Be
ready to use your AT Fields to defend against-- against--
erm, sticky chocolate blasts," Misato ordered over the
tacnet, before dissolving into hysterical laughter and
closing the channel.
"Roger," acknowledged Rei as she brought Unit-00 up to
speed-- directly into the path of another brown syrup
blast. The AT Field protected her, but the blue prototype
was flung back into a cluster of outlying buildings.
"nearby buildings" outlying makes it sound like they're on the city edge,
unless they are of course. In which case, you guessed it, me = fool again.
Actually, they are, but I haven't made it all that clear. Being an Easter
jokepiece and all, I decided not to keep it overlong with too much description.
"Nooo, Rei!" yelled Shinji as he felt his fury rise... and
matched by a dark force emanating from his Evangelion. Was
that... _hunger_?!
He'd probabaly yell "Ayanami!!!" instead of "Nooo, Rei!"
Good point. I totally forgot about this. It's been a while since Eva for me. :)
"Synchro-ratio on Unit-01 rising! It's going berserk!"
Maya exclaimed, horrified.
Its usually "Synch-ratio"
And this. Thanks.
On the screen, Eva-01 avoided incoming jets of chocolate
syrup with animal grace and ferocious speed, darting close
to the Angel and ripping at the lifeform's AT Field. It
began hammering its progressive knife into the outer
structure, flaking off bits of gilt and dark brown matter.
Slowly the Angel sank to the ground, overwhelmed by the
furious assault.
"animalistic"
Right. Will change.
One last blow shattered the core and all resistance, and
Unit-01 began to feed.
"creamy core filling" perhaps?
Heh. Quite likely.
Anyways, that was my firct C&C. PLEASE Don't kill me.
Nope, instead I'll thank you for a well-delivered piece of C&C. :)
Hope you can see my rationale for accepting some bits and rejecting others, but
thanks for all of the great comments.
Phil.
----------------------------
OBEY THE PENGUIN!
----------------------------
The Mighty Kawaii_Cabbit[BOFH] AKA Jesus Christ Sex Messiah, AKA Kari-Ohki,
AKA CabbitServ, AKA Sexdeath, AKA Barret, AKA Weedle, AKA Vibri, AKA too
many names guy.
--Official Cabbit of IBOTTS
--Lord High Ruler of Cabbit's Crew
--Nymphomaniac Extrodinare/Official Cabbit of the Cheese in Pants Cult
--Lord of the Dance
--The God of Secks
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
"The hand is quicker than the eye. Nobody's looking, how about a handjob?"
--Anonymous
Kryten: Sir! They've taken Mr. Rimmer!
Cat: Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back!
-Red Dwarf
"A nymphomaniac is simply someone who has more sex then you do" --Kinsey
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