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www.ratol.fi/~eruuska
----- Original Message -----
From: "Ronny Hedin" <thark@mangakai.org>
To: <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Tuesday, April 25, 2000 7:44 AM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [FFML][C&C][R1/2] Dead Butch, Part 1
I know I wouldn't be the first to comment on it, but life
can be a real bitch sometimes.
Oh, yeah, like I *really* needed somebody to tell me that. ^_-
Okay, not everyone has discovered this fact for themselves
yet. There are still some starry eyed sixteen-year olds out
there who believe their lives'll turn out exactly the way they
plan them. They'll meet a nice girl, they'll fight with her for
a while, they'll have some other friends to fight with too for a
couple more years, but eventually they'll marry the girl and
maybe not fight as much and be happy and definitely *not* get
themselves or their friends stuck as a girl or a duck or, god
forbid, a pig for the rest of their lives. They'll have a damn
Oh, yes, that sounds like the dreams of your average 16yo. ^_^
Nicely twisted around.
***
The beginning, IMO, is too talky for too long, especially for the
*beginning* of a story. Too much "blah blah everything sucks blah blah
life isn't fair blah blah" (like I didn't know that already) and
exposition before anything actually happens. Yes, I realize that you're
aiming for a somewhat talky first-person view, but still.
I think it's fine, slowly showing who the main character is and how
...she...
has changed.