At 06:44 AM 4/25/2000 +0200, you wrote:
I know I wouldn't be the first to comment on it, but life
can be a real bitch sometimes.
Oh, yeah, like I *really* needed somebody to tell me that. ^_-
Okay, not everyone has discovered this fact for themselves
yet. There are still some starry eyed sixteen-year olds out
there who believe their lives'll turn out exactly the way they
plan them. They'll meet a nice girl, they'll fight with her for
a while, they'll have some other friends to fight with too for a
couple more years, but eventually they'll marry the girl and
maybe not fight as much and be happy and definitely *not* get
themselves or their friends stuck as a girl or a duck or, god
forbid, a pig for the rest of their lives. They'll have a damn
Oh, yes, that sounds like the dreams of your average 16yo. ^_^
Nicely twisted around.
***
The beginning, IMO, is too talky for too long, especially for the
*beginning* of a story. Too much "blah blah everything sucks blah blah
life isn't fair blah blah" (like I didn't know that already) and
exposition before anything actually happens. Yes, I realize that you're
aiming for a somewhat talky first-person view, but still.
---
Ronny Hedin, thark@mangakai.org, http://i99ronhe.island.liu.se/
"Baka baka, minna baka." -Hoshino Ruri, Nadesico
"How embarrassing to be human." -Kurt Vonnegut
^^; Will look into.
But you *did* finish it, right? ;)
Please forgive me. Writing like this is really a stretch. I believe you've
sent comments about my other fics, yes? So you know that this is really out
of my vein. I usually write comedies. It's hard to know the balance with a
fic like this bein' more or less a natural optimist myself. I'll look and
see if I can trim it a little.
Michelle Thatcher misha@cybergal.com
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Reality-ometer: [\........] Hmmph! Thought so...
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http://www.akane.org/michelle