Incredible! A World of Darkness fic! I feel like
posting public C&C for once. Such a brave soul
as yourself deserves as much.
First things first, I'd like to congratulate
you for having the courage to post a fic of
this type to a list so ravenous for its
staple diet, that it excludes almost to a
fault everything else. That is, posting a
WoD fic to a list that lives almost exclusively
on Ranma, Evangelion and Sailor Moon is
something that takes guts. WoD -- something
that doesn't even remotely relate itself to
anime... you are da bomb. ^_^
In general, the fic is written in a bland
style which lacks dynamism and conflict.
The flow is a little slow, giving far too
many events, dialogues and actions which
do not particularly follow a logical
chronology, and which do not particularly
advance the plot (at least, not as it is
so far). In other words, there are too many
wasted words.
Aside from that, there are some spelling
and grammar errors, but nothing major and
certainly nothing that will cause a
misunderstanding for the reader. Technically
speaking, the fic is pretty good.
But as I mentioned in the previous paragraph,
you put too many physical details into the
fic and you skimp on the emotions involved
in such a dark world. Sure, your characters
are acting all angsty (ugh... I'm so sick of
angst in WoD), but we don't really get a feel
of what makes these characters tick.
What I'm getting at is that, for a fic like
this which is based on the World of Darkness
setting, emotions obviously play a vital
role in propelling the story. In order to
make a story like this work, I believe that
you have to show some very concrete characters
with very concrete emotions that the readers
can understand. The readers may not be able to
relate to it (who can relate to an undead
monster?), but they should be able to at least
understand the characters on a clinical level.
Anyway, let me overview the fic.
:-------------------------------------------------------
: She remembered how it had all begun. It seemed ages
:ago though it was in reality only five years. That
:night walking home from her practice, she had been
:delayed. It was dark out, but she had called her
:parents they knew she'd be late. This was the
:suburbs, nothing bad ever happened here, and she had
:walked home alone before.
I can already predict what is going to happen.
This is such a cliche for vampires. This isn't
necessarily bad, but the lack of detail and
emphasis on the characters and the scene makes
the entire thing too generic, without any
personal sentiment. In other words, it is too
bland.
---<snipped>---
: Then she remembered being carried away to a car and
:not being able to do anything about it. She
:remembered her three years as a ghoul chained to a
:wall and forcibly injected with heroin while she sat
:paralyzed by her captor's gaze.
Being familiar with Vampire lore, I can understand
what you are talking about here. But most people
on this list probably don't. They most likely
cannot appreciate what it means to be a "ghoul."
This is one of the things I was trying to emphasize
earlier. When presenting a bold, new fic such as
this in a list which practically lives and breathes
on only 3 series, you really have to explain things.
Especially if it's an important aspect to the psyche
of the character. If it was just a minor, cosmetic
detail it wouldn't be a problem, but being a ghoul
is a truly important detail... it is a way of life.
It deserves to be expounded on, or at least explained
and defined, for it to be a useful term.
Let me try to give an example. As a fellow RPG
and fantasy person (your kender sig gives you
away), you are no doubt familiar with RPGs.
Now, imagine yourself as a DM (or GM, if you will).
You have just thrown your players into a deep, dark
pit, maybe a sewer. The stage is set for one of
your monster encounters. How would you go about
describing the monster to the players?
Would you say, "As you slosh around the cavernous
confines, the water giving a clammy feeling to your
legs, you suddenly see splashes in the water up
ahead. The water churns as a long serpentile tail
bursts from the surface, splashing some water on
your faces before it drops back into the water.
A huge maw full of razor sharp teeth erupts from
the water directly in front of you, cold reptillian
eyes lock with yours in a moment that seems frozen
in time."
Or would you say, "As you slosh around the cavernous
confines, the water giving a clammy feeling to your
legs, you are suddenly acosted by an alligator which
splashes out of the sewage."
Hmm, I realize that I weighted the description to
the first one a bit, but the essence is there: in
the first, you use description of the reality and
instead of giving out symbolic names to sum up the
details, you go through the trouble of fleshing out
the entire experience. In the second bit, you simply
call out the name of the monster, and that makes a
quick shortcut which obviously destroys both the
supsence and mystery of the encounter, as well as
rendering further details inconsequential.
What you do is akin to the first one; you rely far
too much on the game terms instead of expounding
and elaborating them in your own way. Try the
second method; it may be more difficult, but it
will add a certain dimension to the fic that will
make it more engaging for the reader.
: She remembered the feeling of unforgiveable ecstacy
:as she took his life forces for her own, and she
:remembered the guilt and revulsion that followed when
:the Beast gave her back control.
: Then her day-sleep images slipped out of memory into
:possibility and became truly horrifing.
All in all, that first part tells you a lot
about how a vampire is in WoD. But it doesn't
really tell you how a vampire FEELS in WoD.
There isn't enough visceral description. You
rely too much on game terminologies as symbols
of what you want to say. You give cursory,
superficial descriptions of the feelings, but
there is not enough depth to make the readers
really understand what is happening.
These symbols are probably meaningful to
other WoD players, but is mostly indecipherable
to others. Even to other players knowledgeable
of the terms, the symbolism is not as apparent.
What you need is to describe the feelings of
the would be vampire as she was being subjected
through all this. You need to get into her body,
into her mind, into her heart. Once there, you
should be able to describe the incredible depth
of her feelings.
To summarize, it feels more like a recap than
an actual experience. What this ends up doing
is giving the person a "textbook" rendition of
the images in your mind. It doesn't have the
feeling of actually being there.
Normally, this is not such a bad thing. Most
fics on this ML follow this kind of writing.
But the regular fics such as Ranma, SM and
Eva can afford to do that because the majority
of other readers practically live and breathe
the material. For something new such as WoD,
you really have to do a good job of exposing
the setting to the rest of the readers.
Especially considering that WoD settings are
built on emotional impact.
The rest of the fic is better written in the
sense that it gives more firsthand experience
of what is happening, rather than just having
a simple textbook account. However, as I
mentioned above, there are too many events
and occurences that do not particularly add
to the detail of the story or advance the plot.
More often, the excess words used just serve
to show the characters angsting around as
all denizens of WoD do. While this is probably
what one would expect, it is certainly something
which I find terribly redundant and overdone in
a WoD RPG campaign. Seeing it in a fanfic just
sort of goes overboard.
I guess the main gripe I have is the textbook
feel of the fic. Try to give the readers a
more personal, firsthand experience of the
story by giving them a better feel for the
characters. Don't rely too much on terms used
in the RPG and give them a more concrete,
realistic account of what is happening.
Good luck!