I am a writer, humbled. Criticism that truly difficult to swallow is the
kind that I know is true but don't realize consciously. I know I sounded
ungrateful but I am grateful; to those that couched their criticism in
words that felt like slaps across the face, I thank you for waking me from
my complacency. I needed to be reminded where my edge was; I needed to be
forced not to cop-out, like I did with the first version.
It was time for a good shakeup, anyway.
This is best read with a fixed font like Courier New or System.
------
Two Hearts of One Mind - TimeRunner Second Reprise
Based on the original story by Scriviner
A Church of All Worlds / Gratuitous Theater Project
"Rei? How are you doing?"
I don't know. What do you mean?
You expect me to answer but it is long in coming. Why? Why does it
matter how much time I take to reply? Why do human questions need answers?
The need to do these things you ask of me is lost to me. But then, the
need for a need is lost to me as well; I say nothing of it.
The entry plug. It smells strange in here, strange but familiar. A
room filled with someone not myself.
I know whom this place smells like, but I don't know why.
"Rei?"
Even now answers are asked of me. But questions from authority are
like orders; like obedience, answers are expected without further
question.
Major Katsuragi asked a question I don't know the answer to.
And yet I reply: "It smells like Ikari."
---
"How do you feel so far, Shinji?"
"Okay, I guess, Misato." I lie. I feel sick. I hate this. This is
Ayanami's entry plug and I shouldn't be in here, but they made me do it. I
don't have a choice. I never have a choice.
I'm always thrown into the 'admirable duty of protecting humanity',
and I don't have the spine to refuse. Would anyone refuse? I don't know.
Ayanami wouldn't refuse, even if it meant losing her life. I just
don't have that conviction; I never did. I'm just afraid of getting
scolded, that's all. I follow orders to avoid confrontation.
Ayanami nearly died protecting me, once; she used herself as a
shield just so I could get one last shot at that Angel, since I'd missed
the first one. I'm glad I made the next shot; the last thing I need is
another person injured or dead because I failed.
I end up failing sooner or later, anyway.
I feel her in here, Ayanami; I remember the smell of her, mixed with
heated LCL when I opened the entry hatch after that mission. The smell is
still here; I'd never forget that smell.
"What's up, Shinji?"
I have to say something, anything: "It smells like Ayanami."
"Smell? What's this about smell? Are you a pervert or something?"
Asuka's voice is shrill in my ears. It nearly always is.
"That's enough chatter, Asuka," I hear Misato say. "Shinji, we're
going to switch over to stage three in a few seconds, okay?"
"Okay." No, it's not okay. Every time synchronization gets deeper I
feel like I'm dissolving, like I'm losing myself in the LCL, to be flushed
out and discarded.
"Third stage commencing."
Now my hands and my legs are no longer just flesh and bone; they're
wrapped in metal and bound in rivets and pulses of electricity. My
nostrils fill with the scent of rust and I have to stop myself from
gagging.
I shut my eyes.
The urge to thrash about so that I can feel I still exist is there,
but I try to suppress that as well...
No!
It's no use! I'm losing control!
I tense my muscles to regain control, but they feel like they've
melted away, useless. The binders on the wall creak and then snap and I
know that the EVA is loose. I scream, or I hear myself scream; I'm no
longer sure which. I know that the crew is struggling to keep the monster
under control, but there's little I can do.
My head...
I hear Ayanami. I hear her cry out, I hear her screaming; I feel her
hands clutching at the controls, pulling at them, clenching them,
desperately trying to regain control but she and I both know it's no use.
But she's not here.
I'm crying out. The LCL is stinging my skin. I feel abrasions on my
knuckles from punching metal and concrete. I'm getting weak. My head...
I'm blacking out...
Ouch... Where am I? Oh, my living room.
How did I get here? I don't remember... No, that's not right. I
remember it, but only like a dream; I know that after a few hours, I'll
never remember any of this ever again.
Asuka is yelling at me again. She's been yelling at me for the past
three hours. Doesn't she ever get tired of being angry? Why is she always
so angry, anyway?
Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to make her quiet down.
Set her down and make her shut up for once. Then what would I hear? What
do I expect to hear?
I shut my eyes and try to cut through the noise; the noise from the
television, the noise from Asuka, the noise of my own breathing, the noise
of my own thoughts...
I hear it... I hear the sound...
I hear someone... crying...
"Shinji!"
Asuka snaps me out of it. What was I thinking? Was I imagining? Was
I forcing myself to hear something that was not there?
She tells me she's hungry and she wants me to do something about it.
Why me? Why not her?
Just because, she says. Because she says so.
Is that enough? I've always wondered if it was. Is it enough because
she says so?
Suddenly I hear an answer to the question.
No.
Funny. I've wondered all this time and the answer turns out to be so
simple.
No.
Where did I find that answer? I shake my head. It doesn't really
matter, does it?
I stand up and tell Asuka to get her own dinner. I'm only getting
mine.
Amid her angry protests, I smirk. That was strangely satisfying.
-----
I walk.
This is how I go from place to place. Walking.
There are other ways, others tell me. I could run. I could crawl. I
could hail a passenger cab if any ran on the streets anymore. Sometimes I
take the subway.
But mostly I walk.
I have felt no reason to do otherwise.
But I see Ikari's apartment in the distance and my feet feel
restless. Why? I don't know.
I keep walking, but my legs tense. I clutch at the handles of my
bag. I'm not walking right. It's the bag. It must be the bag.
I see the rise of the last hill to Ikari's. I'm not breathing
properly. It's too fast, too shallow. Why?
What is the matter with my walk? What is the matter with my
breathing? What is the matter with me?
I begin to say, "I don't know", but I stop.
I know.
I am not content to walk anymore.
I look down from the top of the hill. I sling the bag over my
shoulder.
And I run.
-----
The doorbell rings, cutting short our efforts to free out dinners
from the frozen back wall of the freezer. I excuse myself and ignore the
protests from Asuka for leaving her to do all the work, and I walk to the
front door.
Expecting Misato, I open the door with a halfhearted greeting.
I say: "Welcome --"
Ayanami stands at the doorway, dressed in her school uniform, an
overnight bag slung over her shoulder.
I weakly finish: "-- Home."
A strange, familiar yet new scent fills my nostrils, and I begin to
close my eyes to make it out, but I turn my gaze to Ayanami's face.
She says something about Misato not coming home tonight, but I'm not
really paying any attention to that.
Her face is wet with sweat, and she's breathing heavily. Has she
been running? I part my lips slightly and breathe through my mouth, and I
can swear that I know the taste of her perspiration, even though I've
never even seen her sweat before...
She finishes and walks past me. She starts repeating what she told
me, and I realize that Asuka is in the room, too.
I return to the kitchen and continue the work of freeing the dinners
from their icy tombs.
The dinners are filling, yet unsatisfying, and the shows on TV are
mesmerizing yet unentertaining. Both prove too much for Asuka's limited
patience, and she retires for the night, leaving Ayanami and me alone, but
not without firing off a few final insults at both 'Wonder Girl' and
myself.
I wonder out loud why Asuka got picked to be a pilot, and am
surprised to receive a response:
"Would you have wanted it to be just the two of us?"
The fact that Ayanami replied catches me off-guard almost as much
as the content of the reply, and I mumble something off, something about
having someone easier to get along with, or something like that.
She replies: "Like me?"
My tongue turns into cardboard Salisbury steak in my mouth, and I
can't reply. In my confusion I knock over an empty glass from the table. I
reach over to pick it up, just as she does the same.
Our hands touch...
=====
I am not you two hearts of one mind
but I feel myself through you is it 'I am' or 'we are'?
separate but one and the same and the lines between us blur
distinct but indistinct indistinct yet distinct
and the lines between us blur one and the same but separate
is it 'we are' or 'I am' and through you I feel myself
two hearts of one mind but you are not me
=====
... But I draw away.
What was that? I don't know. I don't know.
Ikari looks up at me. He looks confused. Is that what I look like?
I stand. My mind... Sleep will clear my mind.
I begin to undress for sleep. I hear Ikari stammering something
behind me but his words are distant. He offers to let me sleep in his
room. Should I refuse?
I pause. Why should I refuse? It makes no sense.
Ikari is uneasy about something. Why? I ask where his room is. He
stutters a reply and I make my way there. I enter and I shut the door.
I can't sleep. My muscles ache from running. And even if I lie in
this bed it still feels empty. Why?
Empty. The room feels empty. The silence feels empty.
I turn.
Something sits on the desk next to the bed. It's a Walkman.
I've never used one before.
But as I stare at it, I hear something. I can't make it out.
I shut my eyes. I cut through the sound of the wind, the sound of
the deep quiet, the sound of my own breathing, the sound of my thoughts...
I hear it... the sound...
I hear... music...
melody
bass
counter-melody
counter-bass
-----
counter-bass
counter-melody
bass
melody
I hear... music...
Canon. Canon in D, by Pachelbel. String quartet rendition.
Track 25.
I open my eyes and see Ayanami kneeling next to me, her eyes shut as
she listens to the Walkman, and I realize that one earphone is in her ear
and one is in mine.
I listen to this every night, to help me sleep. How did she know? I
reach up to touch her cheek and she opens her eyes, even as she touches my
cheek.
And our eyes meet...
=====
I remember you protecting me
I remember you saving me
I remember you smiling
I remember you crying
I remember you
I remember you
I thought I'd forgotten
I knew you wouldn't
I haven't
I want to lie down and sleep
I know
I know you know
I know you
=====
It's warm here. It feels nice.
You put your arms around me and I can feel you smiling.
I know why people smile now.
You taught me how. You taught me why.
-----
The world will always try to define us against each other. That's
what the world does. Sooner or later we'll be of two minds again, because
the world is not prepared to deal with the way we are now. I won't let it
do that to us without a fight. I've seen the world through your eyes and I
can no longer remember what it was like before I could.
I feel you smile and I know that I'm smiling, too.
I've seen the world through your eyes, and I can no longer imagine
not being two hearts of one mind.
TimeRunner
3 May 2000
=====
w.o.m
TimeRunner's Web Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482.
=====
"George used to say, 'You can have more than one emotion at the same time.
The one makes the other more acute, and then it cures it."
- Alex, Aspects of Love