C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
--------------------------------
THE CLAN
Chapter 19 - The Charge
--------------------------------
DISCLAIMER: Ranma and the other characters belonging Rumiko Takahashi
are used without permission. The following chapter contains some
graphic violence. Reader discretion is advised.
Ugh. Really wished I'd read that graphic violence
bit more carefully. You *did* warn me. ^_^;
[...]
It appeared to be a ritualistic human sacrifice like the last
two, he noted emotionlessly. The arrangement of the burn marks was
too precise for casual torture. The girl's body had been stripped
naked and cut open in several places. The girl had been hung up by
her ankles so that her fingers just brushed the crumbling asphalt.
suggest: She had been hung up
(Avoid repeated "The girl".)
The cuts were all in very sensitive areas. There were long
lacerations all up and down her her sides and all along the insides
of her arms and legs. In several places, the girl's flesh was simply
filleted away. Besides the cuts, however, there were no other signs
of injury. The photographer was no forensics genius, but he knew the
signs. The girl had been purposely bled to death, very slowly he
guessed, since no major arteries were cut. It had probably taken
hours. Whoever had done this was a sick bastard.
dup: lacerations all up and down her sides
As he took pictures of the burn marks, he carefully noted that
they were in the shape of an eight-pointed star, centered on the
girl's hanging body. Since whoever had drawn the shape had completed
it by drawing it on the wall, the photographer could only assume that
the murderer wanted her to die at a *very* specific location; the
building was just in the way.
What's the deal with the burn marks? Previously you said they
were too precisely arranged for "mere torture", suggesting the
burns are on her. But now the burn marks make up a star, which
goes on the wall?
It doesn't help that you say the burns "centered on her body";
does that mean they are *on* her body, near the center, or
surround her? As much as it galls me to say it (as it's
already pretty graphic), you're going to have to describe this
scene a little better.
[...]
The police photographer produced a baggie from one pocket.
"This was found in a dumpster nearby. The picture on the student ID
matches the subject. Hinako Ninomiya."
Should they be keeping evidence in their pockets? I kinda figured
they'd collect the evidence into trays, or something.
"Shit. I'm gonna go notify the school and parents, then. Wait
a sec... That's a Furinkan ID, ain't it?"
The photographer looked away from his grisly work and glanced
down at the blood-splattered card. "So?"
"Furikan's a high-school..."
"Uh..."
"Your point being, sir?"
If there was some extra meaning here, I missed it. Why are
high schools important? Anyone with half a brain could figure
out that they're the ideal source for the type of victims they're
finding.
Which brings up another question. Would Hinako have a Furinkan
ID? That's the sort of things the *students* have (at least
when I was in high school...) Presumably she'd have whatever
form of ID an adult carries in Japan.
Several yards away, hidden in the crowd of gawkers that forms
behind the police line around even the most horrible of sights, a
red-haired girl in a stylish blouse and skirt stood and wept. Her
face was contorted in rage and her fists shook with a sense of
injustice. In the rising sunlight, no one saw her eyes glowing a
sooty red color.
I have a hard time reconciling "wept" with "face contorted with
rage". They connote rather different emotions. Maybe it would
be better to simply say that tears were coming out of her eyes?
Ranma was in a foul mood. He had wokee up that way. To make
things worse, Ranma was *really* beginning to miss Kasumi's
breakfasts. As he walked listlessly to school, his stomach grumbled
despite the meager bowl of rice he had eaten. Sasuke had prepared it
for him, but the ninja's conservative cooking just didn't satisfy
like Kasumi's usual early morning generosity did.
sp: woken
[...]
Noting that there really were quite a few of his acquaintances
there, he ordered a soda and a few sandwiches and found an empty
table near the window. He settled down and began to relieve the
gnawing sensation in his abdomen.
suggest: Noting that there were quite a few
(What does the "really" add?)
He was halfway through shoveling the third sandwich into his
mouth when he heard the first whispered strains of the conversation.
suggest: stuffing the third sandwich
(Don't you need a spoon or chopsticks to shovel? ;)
[...]
One of her friends, a girl with long black hair, nodded. "My
sister goes to Furinkan. Apparently they've got an expert on the
slasher crimes who says that there's a satanic cult behind the
killings. They have to have virgins for their sacrifices."
either: expert on slasher crimes
or: expert on the Slasher crimes
[...]
"Oooh! He 'saved' you from the Slasher, huh?" the second girl
asked, nudging her friend in the ribs. "Did it hurt?"
"Not half as badly as being stabbed to death would," the first
girl noted.
Uh.... ^_^;
[...]
Ranma blinked twice in quick succession. A similiar
conversation, equally quiet, was starting up just behind him, where
he happened to have seen some Furinkan girls sitting.
sp: similar
Downing his soda in one gulp, Ranma smiled wickedly. Virgins
were disappearing like lace stockings around Happosai and it *wasn't*
because the raveners were getting them.
punc: Happosai, and it
(Here "and" is used a conjunction, joining clauses
with two different subjects: "virgins", and "it")
"Oh my God! Did you hear the news?" Yuka, one of Akane's
friends, blurted as she ran into the shop. Sayuri, who was already
there, 'shush'ed the girl and waved her over. Done with his sandwich
and soda, Ranma picked up his waste and made for the trash can near
the two girls. He was Genma's son, after all. Eavesdropping was
second nature once you got a taste for it.
suggest: picked up his tray and made for the trash
("his waste" has rather icky biological connotations to me...)
[...]
"Miss Hinako's dead!" Yuka shouted out, disregarding the quiet
atmosphere in her panic. "The Slasher got her!"
suggest: In her panic, Yuka shouted out,
disregarding the quiet atmosphere ...
(The "in her panic" feels tacked on to the end.)
Ranma's sandwich hit his stomach like a lead weight.
A little odd imagery, considering that his
sandwich is already in his stomach...
[...]
After breakfast had been completed, news of the latest killing
started playing on the radio. Akane staggered as they announced the
victim's name. Nabiki winced in sympathy.
Try to use the active voice. After who completed breakfast?
You are, after all, changing scenes, and this will help set
the players.
Akane fell to her knees, trying to rationalize the news. Miss
Hinako couldn't be dead! She should have drained the...
Drained the raveners of all their...
Akane started to sob.
Again, I feel like I'm missing something. Probably that
the raveners don't have a battle aura. If so, it wouldn't
hurt to put a reminder, here.
suggest: Drained the raveners of all their... Oh.
[...]
Akane nodded, horror and grief being replaced on her face by a
kind of cold acceptance. Her fist clenched in anger and rage.
Again, I'm seeing mixed and matched emotions.
Cold acceptance, but clenching fist in rage?
suggest: She clenched her fist with determination.
[...]
"There are five of us now," Nabiki suggested, "if you include
Athia. Akane could rest at home and spend some more time getting used
to her... ahem... new *abilities* while the rest of us split up and
guard both points."
What an interesting euphemism for "wings". ^_^
Not sure if "could" ought to be replaced with "should."
"Nee-chan! I'm not a cripple, you know!" Akane complained,
bitterly angry. There were tears standing in her eyes.
NEE: But I didn't say anything! [whimper]
[...]
"Nabiki just wants you to be safe, Akane," Kasumi said,
explaining her own interpretation of her younger sister's harsh
words. "I know that you're upset about Hinako, but Nabiki's worried
that you might be in danger if you go out without learning to control
your wings first."
read: Hide your wings. ;)
suggest: safe, Akane," said Kasumi
(Spread out the names a bit.)
[...]
Nodoka sighed deeply as she watched the retreating girl. *Did
we go too fast for her, I wonder?*
This sounds like Nodoka thinks Akane is dim. ^_^;
"Nabiki and I will cover this point," Kasumi offered, pointing
to the easternmost point on the map, "if you and Athia-san will cover
this point, Aunty."
Athia nodded her agreement. "That seems prudent to me. What
shall we do if this is not a simple ravener attack, however? What if
this is the 'Ravener King' that assaulted Nabiki?"
/me raises his hand.
Isn't that a bad idea? But both of the novices in one place,
and both of the experienced people in the other? Huh?
[...]
"You injured him but he hurt you badly, Nabiki," Ryouga
cautioned. "Maybe I should go with you, just in case."
punc: him, but he
(Another conjunction.)
"Hmm..." Soun wondered aloud. "We could make an outing of it.
You and I could accompany your wife and her companion, Saotome."
Whatwhatwhat? Put even *more* protection with the
group already best able to protect themselves?!?
NABIKI: I think they're hanging us out to dry, Kasumi...
"Hrmmm. It *is* a martial artist's duty to protect the world
from monsters, Tendou."
Nodoka sweatdropped as the evening's preparations rapidly
ballooned.
NODOKA: Dear, are you saying the world needs protecting from me?
GENMA: Well, er, of course not! I mean, you're a
monster, but... uh... Help me out here, Tendo!
"I too will accompany Kasumi and Nabiki," Tofuu pledged. "I
have yet to see one of these creatures."
punc: I, too, will
(I think...)
This is getting really silly. The newbie
party has even more ravener fodder. ^_^;;;
[...]
"Sharpened stakes, huh?" Ukyou asked appraisingly.
"Hai," Shampoo said quietly as she used a machete to take the
corners off another short stick. "For tonight. Great-grandmother say
maybe we need them."
AKANE: But those things won't help you kill raveners!
UKYOU, SHAMPOO, and COLOGNE: [sweatdrop]
"Hmm..." Ukyou wondered aloud, looking around at the back of
the store room at the Nekohanten. "I wonder what all the garlic is
for."
COLOGNE: For the gyoza, of course!
Oh, and the destruction of evil.
[...]
The day passed too rapidly for Ranma. Neither Akane nor Nabiki
were in school, and both Ukyou and Shampoo were conspicuously absent
as well. They weren't the only ones. There were dozens of girls
missing. Ranma guessed that they had left the city or were being kept
at home by their parents.
Or [cough cough] "protected" by their boyfriends.
[...]
"Ya heard, I take it?"
The girl nodded and sat next to Ranma, holding her face in her
hands. "I saw. A girl was sacrificed so that *they* could gain
power."
GIRL: *I* wanted that power! [pout]
RANMA: ...
[...]
Sasuke was interested in Ranma's guest, but made no mention of
her. Ranma cooked a quick meal for the three of them. They ate in
silence and watched the TV in the Kunous' lavish home theater room
for news. Neither bothered to start a conversation while they were
there.
suggest: for the three of them, which they ate ... while watching
the news in the ... room.
Since there are three people, your should
probably use "No one" instead of "neither".
It was well after dark when the girl lurched in the cushioned
sofa and fell screaming to the floor.
"That'd be our guy," Ranma said.
"H-he is killing," the nameless girl choked out. "The pain...
no... he's tormenting her!"
GIRL: *I* wanted to--
RANMA: Right, right, I got the idea.
[...]
Ranma nodded and leapt up to one of the window sills. He had
to rub the dust out of the way to look inside. When he did, he wished
he hadn't. In the middle of the floor an eight-pointed star was
burning in the center of a pool of blood. In the center of the star
was a young girl with long dark hair. She had long cuts down both
sides and her wrists and throat had been slashed. Her dead eyes
stared up at the window. Her mouth was open in a silent scream of
horror and pain.
suggest: In the middle of the star
(Avoid repeated "center".)
Near her there was a man in a dark-colored business suit. The
flesh of one of his hands had torn away to reveal rotten white claws
underneath.
gram: Near her, there
or: Near her was a man
Ranma bit down his bile and turned back to the nameless girl.
"Are you gonna fight with me, or are you gonna go?"
suggest: gonna fight, or are you
(Does Ranma really fight *with* anyone? :)
Depending on the level of his disdain, I could even
see him saying, "Are you gonna fight, or run away?"
The nameless girl turned red in shame. "I cannot fight him."
RANMA: Can't? Or won't?
GIRL: You don't understand. He's my--
RANMA: The next word out of your mouth better not be father.
GIRL: Uh... ^_^;;;
RANMA: Why are there sweatdrops on the side of your head?
[...]
The girl nodded resolutely. Ranma leapt down and sent her on
her way.
The nameless girl ran, making a beeline for a convenience
store she had seen on their way over. By the time she got to it,
however, the store had closed. She ran down the street, desperately
looking in every direction for a phone. Seeing an apartment building,
she ran up to it, hoping that someone would let her use a phone. She
was running so hard and was so focused on Ranma's instructions that
she didn't recognize the evil until she was almost upon it.
suggest: She ran, making a beeline for a
(Avoid repeated "girl.")
HAPPOSAI: Hey! I'm not evil! [pout] You're so cruel.
Happosai was raiding some poor girl's laundry line for drying
pantyhose when he spied the girl as she ran up. He sniffed once and
grinned evilly. He stuck his tongue into the air just to make sure.
Giggling lecherously, he stuffed the last of the pantyhose in his
sack and leapt down in front of her.
suggest: when he spied the girl running up.
[...]
"You... Oh, my! I *never* forget a pair of pert bosoms, and
what do my old eyes see but yours bouncing along. Where are you
running off to, girlie-girl?"
cap: "Girlie-girl"
suggest: "Girlie"
or: "Pretty Lady"
Also, it's breasts (plural) but bosom (singular).
The nameless girl tried to dodge around him, but Happosai
darted back in front of her with the speed that only the master of
the Musabetsu Kakotou Ryuu was capable of mustering.
I think any master of perversion could pull that off. :j
[...]
"Please, I have no idea what you're talking about," the girl
replied. "Please, *his* life is in danger!"
GIRL: He's going to kill my father!
"Ranma, you mean?" Happosai guessed.
Hmm, yes. The emphasis on "his" does seem rather odd...
"Give me your bra, and I'll do what ever you want.
HAPPI-NATOR: [robotic voice] Give me
your bra if you want to live.
[...]
"Sweeto! Ah, the pleasures of ownership!" Happosai sighed and
caressed the bra lovingly against his cheek.
HAPPOSAI: Just think of the equity I'm earning!
The girl tried to run past him, holding her now freely
jiggling breasts, but Happosai dodged back in front of her. "Panties
too, Sweetie! I'm not going to miss this opportunity!"
suggest: dashed back in front of her
(Dodge is to get *away* from something.)
[...]
Back at the factory, Ranma kicked the doors in and dodged
inside.
Again, with the weird use of "dodge".
suggest: and ran inside.
A steel bar propelled at Amaguriken speed shot past him,
tearing a significant hunk out of Akuji's upper arm. The Ravener King
growled in pain and shock, not even bothering to clutch at the gaping
hole. Red and black ooze began to run down his otherwise immaculate
suit.
Not sure whether "amiguriken" should be capitalized.
[...]
Ranma leapt into the air above Akuji's head. "I'm Ranma
Saotome," he shouted as a battle cry, "and I'm here to kick your
ass!"
Too bad he's not the man with the plan... [sigh]
Okay, things are slowly coming along. I liked Ranma's little
glimpse at the girls talking. I was less impressed with the
general intelligence level of the characters in this episode.
I can't accept the composition of the vampire party. Nodoka's
been pretty damned intelligent so far, so I'm amazed to see
her go along with the arrangement. Put the weakest in one
party, and the strongest in another? Isn't she trying to
protect and nurture Nabiki and Kasumi?
To be continued in the next C&C...
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"