Vincent Seifert <seifertv@ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu> wrote:
All C&C welcomed and appreciated, public preferred.
Whee! Let's swamp Gary with commentary! :)
Yes, please do. ^_^
me, nothing but pain. There's no way to make him better, nothing to do
but wait as the poisons build up all over his body, accumulating like
water on a sinking ship, and I wonder if ending his misery wouldn't be
{suggest} water in a sinking ship, {water "on" a ship in any significant
quantity usually qualifies it as "sunken". :) }
GEORGE CARLIN: Let the daredevils get on the plane. I'm getting IN the
plane!
I hate it for what it used to do to Ranma, and what it won't do
to him anymore. I hate it for ruining our chance at a normal life
together.
{She's probably still a "hammer girl", too... :) }
Yes, evidently the feeling's mutual. :)
{Transition here from present tense to past, from story-now to
flashback. The clinic scene is clearly carefully contrived to reveal
just enough but not too much... but it feels like it's a bit too
careful, too contrived. I considered how the story might work if it were
slid into its proper chronologial place near the end, and I doubt it's
an improvement. However, it might seem less forced if you didn't try to
conceal that this was a vet clinic, and that the dying friend wasn't
human. The identity of the patient can still remain concealed, or
perhaps hinted at.
{This would lose the reverse parallel between Akane's ignorance of the
patient's humanity and the reader's (led-by-the-nose? :) assumption that
the patient is human, but it might be worth it. The other point is that
some readers may feel that a human is worthy of more grief than a pet...
but most of them know already, I think, that grief doesn't pay much
attention to such considerations. Any who don't, aren't likely to
appreciate this story anyway...
{Alternatively, perhaps you might consider toning down the description a
little, so it's less detailed and hence less misleading.}
I'll think about it. I'd rather not reveal right away that it's a vet,
because this leaves open the possibility that it's Ranma who's dying, or
someone else we know. Removing some of the description is a possibility,
one which I'll keep in mind.
{I don't have a problem with the notion of Jusenkyo discriminating on
the basis of race :), but I don't like Cologne's "virus" analogy, for
two reasons. First, it's not a good analogy, as (Doug? Bert?) pointed
out already. Second, I just can't see Cologne choosing that analogy to
explain it to Ranma: even if she understands viruses, I doubt he does.
The whole point of an analogy is that it draws a parallel between
something the target doesn't understand and something he does. In the
case of Ranma, Cologne, and Jusenkyo... "It's just magic. Deal with
it."}
I'd rather have some sort of explanation, even a somewhat faulty
analogy, than say "deal with it." The real reason for this bit, of
course, is to make the change plausible to the readers. But I'll think
about changing it.
{It wouldn't work, not that he would know that. In the first case, a
"wet suit" won't keep you dry-- that's why they call it a "wet suit", in
fact. Secondly, it's an excellent thermal insulator... wear one at room
temperature, and in a shockingly short time the suit will be wet on the
inside even if it's dry on the outside. :) }
Too bad Ranma doesn't know this. :)
A napkin lay on the floor. A crude sketch on it was drawn in
felt pen. The blade of a katana. The meaning was obvious.
{Suggest a sign rather than a napkin; it's more pandaesque...}
Great idea.
that he was worthless unless he acted like a macho jerk all of the time.
{Secondhand Genma-bashing! :) :) }
Er... write as I say, not as I write. ^_^
I wanted it to happen. Somehow, I could finally admit that to
myself now. The truth was, I'd secretly hoped for it for a long time.
But I'd wanted Ranma to be the one to make up his mind first. That way,
he couldn't decide later that he didn't want anything to do with some
dumb macho jock-chick when there were girls out there with real sex
appeal and it wasn't his fault because the whole thing had been my idea
anyway and I had pushed him into it before he'd known what he was doing.
{She knows him pretty well, don't she? :) }
Better than she knows herself... but how much is that saying? :)
Having inherited the family dojo, Ranma and I looked over the
family finances and found that they were an absolute mess. There were
debts that should have been paid and tax returns that should have been
filed ten years ago, and bonds that should have been cashed in. There
were shoeboxes full of savings account statements that hadn't been
opened. We spent a lot of time organizing it all, figuring out what
needed to be paid and where we could squeeze the money from.
{Mmm... I don't really see what this contributes to the plot, and it
doesn't ring true. It would have been Kasumi's job to handle this, and
all evidence in the manga is that she did it very well.}
My assumption here is that Soun handled it himself. But you're right
that they didn't seem to have any real problems in this area, even after
the Kinnosuke mess, so I'll think about dropping this.
television speaker; some observer from the UN claimed that seismic
reports indicated that the Japanese government was carrying out illegal
nuclear tests. Just another day.
{Whoops, there goes another magic spring... :) If this is supposed to be
Ryoga using the BT to get somewhere, I don't buy it, though. I used to
be in the seismic-instrument biz, and they can tell the difference
between little bangs and big ones... :) }
Not the BT, no.
It wasn't until two months later that someone else came back,
someone who I hadn't expected to see again.
{Suggest, since Akane should be used to P-chan appearing and
disappearing at random} expected to see.
He hadn't been back for quite some time before this... but point taken.
The combination works, I think, but the balance seems a bit off. To me,
this story appears to be more about Ryoga-- about Ryoga and Ranma, and
Ryoga and P-chan-- than it is about Ranma and the curse, or about Akane
and permanently-cursed Ranma, despite the amount of text devoted to each
theme. Softening the deception in the first clinic scene might help
that.
Yeah, one of the problems with this was maintaining the balance between
the various parts of the story. I would've liked to develop the
Ranma/P-chan friendship more, but was afraid it would lessen the
surprise at the end.
I wonder whether Ranma will tell Akane about P-chan, though. Keeping the
secret while he was alive makes sense (although I'm a bit surprised that
Akane didn't remember some scene where Ranma adamantly refused to allow
P-chan to sleep with them, even if Akane never realized that Ranma was
trying to spare Ryoga's feelings as well as satisfy propriety :), but
after he died, I think he'd tell her. I doubt fear of Akane's anger
would stop him, really, and although reluctance to inflict more grief on
her might, I think his need to acknowledge Ryoga would be greater.
He might tell her after this is all over. Or not. It's possible that he
might decide it's better to let sleeping pigs lie.
As always, if you're reading this, I'd love to hear what you
thought -- good, bad, or indifferent.
Mark me down for "good". As usual, I doubt you'll hear from the
"indifferent". :)
Actually, "indifferent" was a prereader. :) I haven't heard from "bad"
yet, though I imagine he's out there.
As always, many thanks for the thoughtful commentary.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html