Comments@@
Some interesting bits. However . . .
-<SNIP>
Akane started with a high jump towards Ranma
and planned to kick her in the shoulder, but before
she could execute her attack Ranma pulled a large,
black gun from her belt and unloaded an entire clip
into the wall just inches to the left of Akane.
@@
1) It's a "magazine", not a clip.
2) I have nothing against using guns
in a fanfic. Guns _are_ readily available
in Japan, both legally and illegally _IF_
you have the money and connections.
About 3% of the populations keep
hunting weapons. Pistols are _much_
more controlled, but it's even possible
to get a permit to carry a pistol.
HOWEVER, it would _not_ be legally
possible for Ranma to get such a permit.
(unless he's a close personal friend of the
PM or Emperor. ^_^) I don't mind illegal,
but you have not set this up at all. I've had
several people carry guns in Sukeban, but I
made it clear from the outset that they were
on the wrong side of the law.
If you wish to have Ranma carry a pistol you
_must_ prepare the reader for this.
3) You need to set Ranma up as a complete
idiot OR murderously callous.
1) A gun is a deadly weapon. Unlike a fist or knife
once the bullet leaves the barrel the shooter has
no control. If Akane had jerked in the opposite
direction
the follow up shots could easily have hit her.
2)The bullets that _did_ miss have now passed through
the wall of the doujou and continued on . . .toward
Kasumi? The neighbors?
The
sudden hail of gunfire completely took Akane by
surprise, and she fell bodily to the floor, dazed
and slightly embarrassed.
@@also completely deaf. A _single_ shot, indoors
at close quarters is disorienting due to the sound.
A .22 is painful. A minor caliber like .38 or 9mm
is stunning. A major caliber, .40, .45 or 10mm
will make your ears bleed. There's also the matter
of muzzle blast. You get a jet of flame
from four to twelve inches long (depending
on caliber, barrel length, cartridge type, etc)
and approximately 3,000+ degrees Fahrenheit.
It spreads out in a cone shape. Anyone within
about three feet of the muzzle is going to be
hit by white hot particles of powder, lead and
copper (depending on if the bullet
is jacketed or not). So at this point both
Ranma and Akane are completely deaf ,
the wall is on fire and Akane's face has probably
been burned rather badly.
Ranma held up her gun in a vaguely threateneing
manner. "What up now?"
@@There is nothing "vaguely" threatening about
a gun. Especially if some maniac has just emptied
an entire magazine at you. Oh, yeah. If the wall is
stone you've got a problem with ricochets. And at
that range, a ricochet could easily be fatal. The hot
brass could also hit either one of them but
probably Akane. (Some semi-autos throw brass
all over the place) Not serious, but
painful. Especially if it hits you in the eye.
Akane goggled at Ranma, then, slowly, began to
laugh. Ranma found her giggle to infectious to
ignore, and began to laugh as well.
"Wow, you're pretty good," Akane said after she
finished laughing. "How did you get a gun into
Japan?"
Ranma's smile vanished, and she pointed her gun
to Akane's forehead. "None o' your damn business,"
she growled.
@@That's a _damn_ stupid thing to do.
"Oh, come off it," Akane said, not at all
intimidated. "You don't hae any more bullets,
remember? I heard your gun clicking."
@@ OK, it's a double action semi-auto and the
slide doesn't lock open when the magazine is empty.
That narrows the possibilities down a little regarding
type and caliber.
This entire section needs to be re-written or deleted.
IF you must have Ranma with a gun, then you need to
research a bit more if it's to be believable. And you
must
give at least a little foreshadowing to prepare the
reader for
this. IMO, unless the gun is _absolutely_ essential it
should
be dropped. Japan is a knife culture. A blade is much
more
believable. And a true martial artist _should_ not be
so careless. If, however, that is your entire point
you still need to make changes. In their physical
reactions, take care of the bullets passing through
the wall or bouncing back and Akane's reaction.
A normal person would _not_ be giggling after
someone just fired a burst at their head. And if
Ranma pointed a gun at Akane's head, empty or not,
it would take a proctologist three hours just to find
it.
<SNIP>
Other than this section the story looks interesting.
Good dialogue and some interesting foreshadowing.
Just get rid of the gun or do some major re-writing.
^_^
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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