Hi, all!
Hi! ^_^
Well, finally, after an inexcusable delay, here's chapter 3. Author's
notes
at the end.
Well, finally, after an inexcusable delay, here's my C&C. ;-b
C&C desperately needed. PLEASE!
Very well, then! As always with me, please keep in mind that these comments
are entirely my own humble little opinion. If you disagree, nobody's making
you listen, okay? ^_^
Enjoy!
I always have so far!
Chapter 3: First steps
---
The Battloid slowly stood, a shower of concrete and rubble falling
from
its metallic shoulders. Still alone in the street, a gaping Ranma could
see
how it moved its cyclopean "head" this way and that, as if looking for
something. After a moment, it stopped. Gazing in its same direction,
Ranma
found out what it had apparently been looking for: the far explosions of
the
dogfight.
Good recreation of a pretty famous scene for us 'Tech heads : the first ever
Battloid. Although the "far" explosions seems a bit off. Maybe you could try
the "far-off", or "distant" explosions. After all, I believe the battle is
still practically in orbit at this point and time. That's pretty distant.
Finally closing his mouth for the first time in minutes, Ranma tried
to
make sense of what had just occurred. A very strange plane--which just
_happened_ to have legs and arms and look like an eagle--had apparently
tried to land, and in doing so it had devastated an entire block.
I think these sentences are a wee bit choppy, my friend. That tends to
happen with hyphens and commas. Let me see if I can try to streamline it a
little. How about something like :
"Closing his mouth fot the first time in minutes, Ranma tried to sort out
what had just happened. A very strange plane, which had seemed to have arms
and legs, had tried to land. In doing so, it had managed to devastate an
entire block."
Or something like that. Long sentences can trip people up. Sometimes it's
better to cut them into shorter sentences.
´I hope there wasn't anyone in those buildings,´ he thought,
worriedly
glancing at the partly-destroyed office buildings.
Then, when it had finally come to a stop, the fighter had begun
changing. Some stuff had moved this way, some other had slid that
way--and
instant robot!
Just add water, and... no, wait, that's RANMA. ^_^
"Could be a new weapon." "We're being attacked by aliens!" "Looks
like
an autobot to me." "It just fell out of the sky!" and a million similar
comments flowered around Ranma.
First of all, you might want to start a new paragraph when somebody new is
talking.
Second of all... nice Autobot reference. ^_^
<trivia> Actually, the Veritech WAS an Autobot. Or at least, its toy became
one. The toy was repainted, given autobot logos, and sold here as Skyfire
(also called Jetfire), a first generation Transformer. And now you know more
than you needed to. </trivia>
He smirked. ´Well, Ranma, what have you learned today?´ he silently
asked himself. ´That some places are even weirder than Nerima.´
Impossible! I can't believe it! SAY IT AIN'T SO! Years of fanfic myth,
crashing down around me!
Minmei looked at the retreating forms of his cousin and the tall man,
Ranma. Should she go with them? While she was worried for Jason, Ranma
was
already there to look after him. But she was also interested in the tall
man.
Yeah, Minmei. After all, he's breathing. Too bad he's not your cousin, like
Kyle. Then he'd be the perfect catch.
There was something else about him, something she couldn't quite put
her
finger on. The way he walked perhaps--so gracefully that he made other
people look clumsy in comparison. Or maybe it was that aura of confidence
that seemed to surround him, impregnating everything he did. He was...
mysterious--and Minmei loved solving mysteries.
Really? I thought Minmei loved stringing Rick Hunter along like a cruel,
sadistic puppet master and putting him through the emotional wringer because
she's a vapid, giggling little twit.
Can you tell I'm a Lisa Hayes fan? Is it showing, at all? ^_^
It revealed another seat, this one occupied by a
young man. He had medium-length mussy black hair,
Hah! That is an anime phenomenon known as the "hero hair". Rick Hunter has
it, Ryo Sanada has it, Keith (from Voltron, remember?) has it, Tuxedo Kamen
has it... I believe Ken Eagle had it in Gatchaman... Point being, most anime
heroes go to the same barber. There, by the way, is a spamfic BEGGING not to
be written.
and was wearing a white and orange uniform that almost hurt the martial
artist's eyes.
Gee, no mention of that oh-so-hip blue neck scarf? I'm hurt and offended...
by the clothing, not by the writing.
´Not that impressive. Looks rather skinny to me,´ thought Ranma.
"What the..." muttered the pilot under his breath, but Ranma
sensitive
ears picked it up anyway
punctuation problem. "...but Ranma's ears..."
Startled, the pilot almost dropped the strange flight helmet he had
been
carrying. He looked in their direction, noticing them for the first time.
Ranma couldn't help but smirk when he saw how the young pilot's eyes
lingered on Minmei for a moment more than necessary.
"Eh, hi," he greeted uncertainly. "Tell me, does this look like a
robot
to you?"
"Yeah, I'd say so. Why?" Maybe he had been hurt in the crash and lost
his memory?
"Oh, nothing," he said after a long sigh. "I just thought I was crazy
or
something. This used to be a fighter, you know."
I always loved Rick's ability to instantly adapt to a situation... after
several minutes of confusion and with ample warning. ^_^
"It's a joke, right?" said Minmei, unbelieving.
Ranma shook his head. "No, he's saying the truth. I saw that thing
changing. But tell me, kid, how come you don't know what it is? Ain't you
the pilot?"
Saying the truth? That sounds a trifle awkward. Maybe he's "speaking" or
"telling" the truth, instead...
"My name's Rick, not 'kid'," said the pilot, a little angry. "And
this
wasn't my idea. Some woman ordered me to take off, so I took off. It's
the
army's fault!"
Army. Needs to be capitalised. And would this woman happen to be that "old
sourpuss" we all know and can't tolerate? ^_^
"Okay, whatever. But did you have to make so much damage?"
"Hey, do you think it's easy to pilot this thing?" asked Rick,
annoyed
at the pig-tailed man's attitude. It's not like he had wanted to crash
against those buildings.
Ranma shrugged nonchalantly. "Can't be that hard."
"Oh, yeah," Rick drawled. "Then why don't you come here and try?" he
invited, holding out his helmet.
Oh, dear Lord, I had feared that this day would come. Rick Hunter's ego,
meet Ranma Saotome's ego. Everybody else better duck, because this could get
REAL messy, REAL fast.
And, as for Ranma's taunting. Wouldn't it sound a little better if he said
"I just might! After all, I can't mess up worse than you... KID."
Rick sighed, resigned. "I'll see what I can do." Then, he turned to
Ranma. "We'll continue this later." There was still a trace of anger in
his
voice.
"Any time," he said defiantly, trying to refrain a smile from
reaching
to his lips. ´I like the boy. He reminds me of myself at his age--just
not
so handsome.´
And sadly, even better at getting himself in the absolute worst possible
situations with the opposite sex. Aside from his lethal case of
foot-in-mouth disease, a certain incident involving dropped toothpaste,
spilled hand soap, and a lingerie shop comes to mind... Not to mention that
classic "Sorry I grabbed your butt, Commander Hayes, but I guess I must have
tripped" line...
I never thought I'd hear, let alone say these words, but... Lisa needs to
learn to be as understanding as Akane.
Rick got back to his seat, and it started lowering. In that moment,
Minmei blurted out, "Good luck!"
The young pilot was caught off-guard by this, and so was only able to
stammer timidly, "Eh, thanks!" before the support pillar was out of
sight,
hidden inside the enormous machine.
Ranma looked curiously at the girl, but she merely turned around,
blushing slightly. Jason, who had been oblivious to the whole exchange,
loudly yelled, "Hey, It's moving again!"
You can spare yourself a word here. People don't quietly yell very often.
Ranma saw the Battloid staggering towards them and, realizing it
wasn't
going to stop, he quickly collected Minmei and Jason in his arms and ran
for
the door. The Battloid crashed against the window behind which Ranma had
been standing and completely destroyed it--along with half of the
restaurant.
"Are you okay?" asked Ranma when the rubble had stopped falling.
"Sure!" came Jason's happy reply.
Minmei was coughing because of the dust, but managed to compose
herself
after some time. "Yeah, I guess so," she said.
"Good." Ranma turned to the Battloid, which lay now sprawled over a
mountain of concrete and girders. "Hey, boy! You all right?!" he yelled.
"Yes," came Rick's voice over the Battloid's external speakers.
"Great. Would ya make me a big favor?"
"What?" asked Rick, confusion reigning his voice.
"Remind me to never lend you my car, 'kay?"
"Why you..."
And so it begins. Yeesh. ^_~
´Another building destroyed. With pilots like this, who needs
enemies?´
Not the Zentraedi, that's for sure. Although he does get about six million
times better than everyone else. Except Max Sterling. And Myria Parino. And
Roy Fokker, I guess. And... er... Why was he put in command of a squadron
again? ^_^
Ranma asked himself, smiling at the almost-comical situation. If this
single
"friendly" aircraft had caused such a mess in the city without even
trying
to, he shivered at the thought of what a berserk army of these things
could
do to Macross.
Nothing that Macross won't get quite used to, over the course of this story,
I'm afraid. ^_^
He wasn't dissapointed. In the distance, the SDF-1 was partially
hidden
by a cloud of dust, and if his eyes didn't cheat him, the ship was tilted
to
one side.
I believe there is one "s" and two "p"s in "disappointed".
Rick's had minutes ago--into that same metal bird of prey configuration
that
he remembered seeing before, its wings deployed and legs outstretched as
if
to land. It deftly settled in the middle of the street, and the gaping
martial artist noticed that it had a black skull painted under the
canopy.
Technically, that would be the Veritech heat shield. Quick, everbody, plug
your ears while I go get my teaching jacket, with those leather patches on
the elbows.
You see, the Veritech fighter contains retractable heat shields which cover
vital components of the fighter when it is exposed to, say, an explosion, or
the heat of re-entering Earth's atmosphere. These sheets of armour also
slide into place during transformation, which is why you can't usually see
the pilot of the ship when it is in Battloid form. The heat shield usually
has the emblem of the squadron painted on it. It's the shield over the
canopy, not the canopy itself, that has the skull painted on it.
Oh, yeah, and Skull Squadron's logo is a white skull and crossbones on
black, not a black skull. Please forgive this annoying little nitpick.
Without losing a heartbeat, the Robotech craft finished shifting, rapidly
becoming a robot, much like the one that rested against the building.
For the next few minutes, Ranma ogled mesmerized as the Battloid with
You missed some commas, my good man! "Ranma ogled, mesmerized, as the
Battloid..." Happens to the best of us, or so I'm told.
´Well, at least I know why these things were so secret.´
Unbelievable.
He would have called it magical, but he, perhaps better than most people,
knew that magic was a very different thing. All that magic had ever
brought
to him had been pain--and curses, of course.
Now that's hardly fair. Magic's also brought him a whole lot of trouble. ^_^
Trying to stop himself from walking down the sorely known path of
depression, Ranma walked to the two Battloids and called out, "Hey, boy!"
One of the Robotech machines leaned down over him. "My name is Rick!"
blared out a youngish voice through the Battloid's PA system.
"Yeah, whatever. I just came to say goodbye, we're going to the
shelters."
"Oh, well, bye," Rick said, uncertain.
Ranma smirked. "Try not to step on anyone, eh?"
Rick growled, "The only one I might step on is you."
"Ha! As if you could catch me," yelled Ranma at the Battloid, but
started walking away anyway. If there was something he had learned during
his life in Nerima it was that you should never _ever_ push your luck.
And so it continues. The Battle of the Mega-Egos. Buy your tickets now, for
just $9999.99!
"That's beside the point. With all the money they spent in t--" He
couldn't finish, as Minmei suddenly gave a yelp.
"My dairy! I forgot my diary!" she said, almost shouting.
Is this some new way of saying "oh,my!" that Minmei invented, or did she
actually leave behind the family milk? It's "diary", not "dairy".
"What?" asked Ranma, confused. A strong sense of déjà vu was invading
him.
"I have to go back!"
´Oh, no, girl. Not you too! What's with women and diaries?´ thought
Ranma, a little annoyed. If he ever had a daughter, he would be certain
she
didn't keep a diary. Those things were disasters waiting to happen.
Preach on, my brother. They nearly kill more anime characters than falling
debris.
"Wait, child!" Max tried to stop her, but she was too fast for him.
Ranma also tried to reach for her, but two civil defense workers stopped
him.
"Come back!" cried Lena, worry etched in her face.
"I'll be back in a moment!" shouted Minmei over her shoulder, and
with
that, she was off, losing herself in the maze of streets.
Ah, Minmei. You almost have to pity a girl with so few working brain
cells...
Somewhere in the city of Macross, Ranma fought for his life.
Nice way to catch our attention with this scene, here.
He had been trying to find his way back to the restaurant, looking
for
Minmei, when those strange war machines had appeared seemingly out of
nowhere. They had two legs articulated backwards, and this gave them the
appearance of ostriches--headless, wingless, packed with heavy weapons
ostriches. They had come hopping swiftly, and had immediately showered
the
whole city in missiles. Luckily, Macross had been evacuated in time, and
the
streets were almost desert. Except for some CD workers, Ranma--and
Minmei.
Might want to actually say Civil Defense workers. I got this bad image of a
bunch of guys sitting there, valiantly making their CDs, as war raged around
them. By gosh, that DoCo album would be released on time, Battlepods or no
Battlepods!
So, when one of the those Zentraedi Battlepods had finally noticed
Ranma
and started firing laser beams at him, he fought. After all, he didn't
want
to die.
Seems logical enough. Although how he'll beat something that's the size of a
building and then some, and outweighs him by a few hundred elephants is
beyond me...
But even as he ducked low to avoid an incoming energy bolt, Ranma was
smiling. He felt ecstatic, exhilarated. This is what he had trained his
whole life for: fighting. It didn't matter if it was against a robot or a
person. It didn't matter if his enemies had rockets and lasers when all
he
could use was his own body--he had faced worst odds before.
"...had faced worse odds", not "worst" odds.
Around him, chaos ensued.
Ensued? More like continued : they've already shelled the place, right? ^_^
Help had finally arrived, and in the form of tall robots just like
the
ones he had seen outside the White Dragon. They kept firing those
powerful
guns of theirs, destroying pods left and right. They were really
agile--much
more so than what its size and weight suggested--and seemed to dance >
around
the larger Battlepods, rapidly overcoming them.
I'm a fan of that one Battloid in canon that ran out of ammunition and just
put the boots to his opponent. I mean, taking on a bigger, meaner, and
better armed mecha with just fists? That takes guts, even if you aren't Leon
McNichol.
Ranma turned at the corners at random, hoping against hope he would
find
either the restaurant or Minmei. Suddenly, another pod jumped onto the
roof
of a tall building to his right, and gazed down, noticing him.
´Time for the big guns,´ he decided wordlessly. Ranma quickly crossed
his arms in front of his chest, then snapped them forward and to the
side.
He didn't even announce the attack. ´No need to show off,´ he thought, as
the nearly invisible vacuum blasts soared through the air toward the pod.
A
moment later, a now leg-less Battlepod lay helplessly atop the building,
desperately trying to keep itself from rolling over the edge of the roof.
Picked that one up from Herb, did he?
´That one won't be moving for a while.´ Even as he was thinking this,
a
Battloid arrived to the place where the alien warcraft lay and finished
it
off with its Gatling gun.
Technically... (audience groans "enough, already!") Er... let me just point
out that a Veritech carries a rail gun, not a Gatling gun.
He had seen too many dead bodies in the last fifteen minutes. It
seemed all the people who had stayed in the city after the evacuation
order
had died. Emergency personnel, CD workers, all of them. Why would a
teenager
girl be any different?
I think you want to say "teenaged" girl, not "teenager" girl.
He looked to the distant SDF-1.
Or "at" it, whichever you prefer.
It wasn't till that moment that Ranma finally recognized the white
and
brown Guardian that stood frozen now watching the alien craft: it was
Rick's
aircraft! ´The boy is alive,´ he thought, relieved. ´Maybe he can help me
look for Minmei.´
I'd say that it wasn't "until" that moment that Ranma finally recognized...
and good catch on the colour change of that Guardian! It was orange and
white in the anime, but McKinney's books do refer to it as being brown and
white.
Then, the Guardian started firing his Gattling, and Ranma had to
cover
"T" for two, it it? I think that the word is spelled "Gatling". And we've
already discussed that whole "Gatling / rail gun" thing up above. ^_^
His intention was clear to Ranma; he had seen that same
expression many times in the mirror: revenge. If he was going to go, he
would take with him his killer. The young boy was going to die, and why?
Because he had fought back?! Because he hadn't let himself be KILLED?!
I think most people say "take his killer with him", not "take with him his
killer". It's another judgement call, but I think the former flows a little
better.
He practically flew towards him, his feet melting the asphalt with
each
step. A bright white aura emerged from his body, but Ranma didn't notice.
Gohan? ^_^
Sorry, I've been watching too much Dragonball Z again...
He poised his fist backward, ready to strike. He was no more than a
mile
from the alien, seeing with hatred how the behemoth was about to reach
the
canopy of the Guardian, when he heard a deafening buzz saw sound.
Buzzsaw is one word, I believe. Like hacksaw or jigsaw.
But he, better than anyone, knew that there are promises you
sometimes
can't keep. He had once promised to never let his fiancée die.
Ack. Another very good ending, and it sounds like Ranma's still having some
difficulties over that whole "Saffron killed Akane" thing. I shudder to
imagine how this man plans to pair Rick and Minmei together : he DID study
at the Saotome / Tendo school of making people fall in love, right? My one
condolence is that he is almost doomed to fail. Although, it should be funny
watching him try.
Quick question : you've carefully avoided telling us how old Ranma is now. I
assume he's younger than Gloval, who was in his fifties, and older than
Rick, who is I think sixteen. However, is he too old to be a fighter pilot?
Even the RDF must have rules about age. Then again, the RDF signed up Max
Sterling, and those blue glasses of his are prescription, so I guess maybe
it doesn't matter.
Anyway, a great story, with good grammar and characterisation. As always,
you've managed to recap important events without boring people who've
already seen them, and finished on a cliffhanger that has me, for one,
wanting more. Kudos!
Ja ne!
-Morgan Hudson
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