Hi, Morgan! ^_^
Yay! More public C&C. You're the best.
BTW, people. Some guys have sent me extensive C&C privately, and told me
they didn't send it to the list because I hadn't said I wanted _public_ C&C.
Well, I DO prefer public comments. Now you know.
Well, finally, after an inexcusable delay, here's my C&C. ;-b
It's never too late for C&C.
Very well, then! As always with me, please keep in mind that these comments
are entirely my own humble little opinion. If you disagree, nobody's making
you listen, okay? ^_^
I'd never disagree with such a wise man...Is it showing that I want you to
C&C next chapter? Is it working? ^_^
Enjoy!
I always have so far!
Thanks!
Chapter 3: First steps
---
The Battloid slowly stood, a shower of concrete and rubble falling
from
its metallic shoulders. Still alone in the street, a gaping Ranma could
see
how it moved its cyclopean "head" this way and that, as if looking for
something. After a moment, it stopped. Gazing in its same direction,
Ranma
found out what it had apparently been looking for: the far explosions of
the
dogfight.
Good recreation of a pretty famous scene for us 'Tech heads : the first
ever
Battloid. Although the "far" explosions seems a bit off. Maybe you could
try
the "far-off", or "distant" explosions. After all, I believe the battle is
still practically in orbit at this point and time. That's pretty distant.
'Distant' it is. Fixed already.
Finally closing his mouth for the first time in minutes, Ranma tried
to
make sense of what had just occurred. A very strange plane--which just
_happened_ to have legs and arms and look like an eagle--had apparently
tried to land, and in doing so it had devastated an entire block.
I think these sentences are a wee bit choppy, my friend. That tends to
happen with hyphens and commas. Let me see if I can try to streamline it a
little. How about something like :
"Closing his mouth fot the first time in minutes, Ranma tried to sort out
what had just happened. A very strange plane, which had seemed to have arms
and legs, had tried to land. In doing so, it had managed to devastate an
entire block."
Or something like that. Long sentences can trip people up. Sometimes it's
better to cut them into shorter sentences.
It seems I tend to write long sentences. I'll see what I can do (which may
mean: I'll use your suggestion ^_^).
�I hope there wasn't anyone in those buildings,� he thought,
worriedly
glancing at the partly-destroyed office buildings.
Then, when it had finally come to a stop, the fighter had begun
changing. Some stuff had moved this way, some other had slid that
way--and
instant robot!
Just add water, and... no, wait, that's RANMA. ^_^
'Spring of Drowned Battloid'? ^_^
"Could be a new weapon." "We're being attacked by aliens!" "Looks
like
an autobot to me." "It just fell out of the sky!" and a million similar
comments flowered around Ranma.
First of all, you might want to start a new paragraph when somebody new is
talking.
Um... Don't know about that. I was giving those as examples of what people
were saying. Maybe I'll separate them with commas to make this more obvious.
Second of all... nice Autobot reference. ^_^
Heh. You're the first one to say anything about that. I thought that I'd
receive at least _one_ flame... Oh, well. ^_^
<trivia> Actually, the Veritech WAS an Autobot. Or at least, its toy became
one. The toy was repainted, given autobot logos, and sold here as Skyfire
(also called Jetfire), a first generation Transformer. And now you know
more
than you needed to. </trivia>
Wow. It's just like I always say: read comments and learn lots of
interesting things. ;-)
He smirked. �Well, Ranma, what have you learned today?� he silently
asked himself. �That some places are even weirder than Nerima.�
Impossible! I can't believe it! SAY IT AIN'T SO! Years of fanfic myth,
crashing down around me!
Heheh. Don't worry, I'm sure Ranma was exagerating.
Minmei looked at the retreating forms of his cousin and the tall
man,
Ranma. Should she go with them? While she was worried for Jason, Ranma
was
already there to look after him. But she was also interested in the tall
man.
Yeah, Minmei. After all, he's breathing.
You wouldn't happen to be a Minmei fan, ne? ^_~
Too bad he's not your cousin, like
Kyle. Then he'd be the perfect catch.
Well, Ranma isn't a drunk...
There was something else about him, something she couldn't quite put
her
finger on. The way he walked perhaps--so gracefully that he made other
people look clumsy in comparison. Or maybe it was that aura of
confidence
that seemed to surround him, impregnating everything he did. He was...
mysterious--and Minmei loved solving mysteries.
Really? I thought Minmei loved stringing Rick Hunter along like a cruel,
sadistic puppet master and putting him through the emotional wringer
because
she's a vapid, giggling little twit.
That too. ^_^
Can you tell I'm a Lisa Hayes fan? Is it showing, at all? ^_^
Really?! No, you gotta be kidding me! ^_^
Well, I also used to be a Lisa fan, but now I'm a completely-unbiased fanfic
writer.
Really. ^_^
It revealed another seat, this one occupied by a
young man. He had medium-length mussy black hair,
Hah! That is an anime phenomenon known as the "hero hair". Rick Hunter has
it, Ryo Sanada has it, Keith (from Voltron, remember?) has it, Tuxedo Kamen
has it... I believe Ken Eagle had it in Gatchaman... Point being, most
anime
heroes go to the same barber. There, by the way, is a spamfic BEGGING not
to
be written.
Too true, my friend, too true. But...
<Here's where I lose a lot of readers, as all the SM fans reading this will
inmediately stop reading my work>
But, to say the truth, Tuxy doesn't strike me as a big hero. Maybe in your
fic, and I haven't read the manga, but in the anime...
He rarely wins a fight by his own, hides behind the far more powerful
Senshi, and makes corny speechs. Is he a hero? Umm...
Besides, he dresses like an idiot. ^_^
and was wearing a white and orange uniform that almost hurt the martial
artist's eyes.
Gee, no mention of that oh-so-hip blue neck scarf? I'm hurt and offended...
by the clothing, not by the writing.
Yeah, but Goku is even worse. ^_^
�Not that impressive. Looks rather skinny to me,� thought Ranma.
"What the..." muttered the pilot under his breath, but Ranma
sensitive
ears picked it up anyway
punctuation problem. "...but Ranma's ears..."
Ayep. Consider it fixed.
"Oh, nothing," he said after a long sigh. "I just thought I was
crazy
or
something. This used to be a fighter, you know."
I always loved Rick's ability to instantly adapt to a situation... after
several minutes of confusion and with ample warning. ^_^
Ability to adapt to a situation... Kinda sounds like Ranma, ne?
Could it be...? Nah. ^_^
"It's a joke, right?" said Minmei, unbelieving.
Ranma shook his head. "No, he's saying the truth. I saw that thing
changing. But tell me, kid, how come you don't know what it is? Ain't
you
the pilot?"
Saying the truth? That sounds a trifle awkward. Maybe he's "speaking" or
"telling" the truth, instead...
More than a triffle. I don't know how I missed that one, and a couple of
guys already noticed it. Will fix.
"My name's Rick, not 'kid'," said the pilot, a little angry. "And
this
wasn't my idea. Some woman ordered me to take off, so I took off. It's
the
army's fault!"
Army. Needs to be capitalised.
Right. Consider it fixed.
And would this woman happen to be that "old
sourpuss" we all know and can't tolerate? ^_^
What do you think? ^_^
'Old sourpuss'... Now _that_ is a famous phrase. I'll just have to use it.
"Okay, whatever. But did you have to make so much damage?"
"Hey, do you think it's easy to pilot this thing?" asked Rick,
annoyed
at the pig-tailed man's attitude. It's not like he had wanted to crash
against those buildings.
Ranma shrugged nonchalantly. "Can't be that hard."
"Oh, yeah," Rick drawled. "Then why don't you come here and try?" he
invited, holding out his helmet.
Oh, dear Lord, I had feared that this day would come. Rick Hunter's ego,
meet Ranma Saotome's ego. Everybody else better duck, because this could
get
REAL messy, REAL fast.
Heheh. Beware, readers, beware. I won't be responsible for the consequences
of their acts... Actually, I _will_ be responsible. Oh, well.
And, as for Ranma's taunting. Wouldn't it sound a little better if he said
"I just might! After all, I can't mess up worse than you... KID."
It'd sound _much_ better. You know, you really have a knack for writing
dialogue.
"Any time," he said defiantly, trying to refrain a smile from
reaching
to his lips. �I like the boy. He reminds me of myself at his age--just
not
so handsome.�
And sadly, even better at getting himself in the absolute worst possible
situations with the opposite sex. Aside from his lethal case of
foot-in-mouth disease, a certain incident involving dropped toothpaste,
spilled hand soap, and a lingerie shop comes to mind... Not to mention that
classic "Sorry I grabbed your butt, Commander Hayes, but I guess I must
have
tripped" line...
Heheh. Maybe you're exagerating a little. Remember, Ranma had FOUR fianc�es.
Rick can't beat that.
I never thought I'd hear, let alone say these words, but... Lisa needs to
learn to be as understanding as Akane.
Heh. Well, I also never thought I'd hear those words, but they have some
truth in them. After all, all Akane does to Ranma is beat him senseless. ^_^
hidden inside the enormous machine.
Ranma looked curiously at the girl, but she merely turned around,
blushing slightly. Jason, who had been oblivious to the whole exchange,
loudly yelled, "Hey, It's moving again!"
You can spare yourself a word here. People don't quietly yell very often.
I never thought the day would come when someone told me 'you wrote too
much'. ^_^
Will drop the word.
"Great. Would ya make me a big favor?"
"What?" asked Rick, confusion reigning his voice.
"Remind me to never lend you my car, 'kay?"
"Why you..."
And so it begins. Yeesh. ^_~
It could have been worse. Now that I think about it, Rick would create one
helluva Moko Takabisha, right? ^_^
�Another building destroyed. With pilots like this, who needs
enemies?�
Not the Zentraedi, that's for sure. Although he does get about six million
times better than everyone else. Except Max Sterling. And Myria Parino. And
Roy Fokker, I guess. And... er... Why was he put in command of a squadron
again? ^_^
Heheh. I often wonder about that myself. Maybe because he was Roy's best
friend. ^_^
Ranma asked himself, smiling at the almost-comical situation. If this
single
"friendly" aircraft had caused such a mess in the city without even
trying
to, he shivered at the thought of what a berserk army of these things
could
do to Macross.
Nothing that Macross won't get quite used to, over the course of this
story,
I'm afraid. ^_^
But they were really fast to repair the damage. And there was a LOT of
damage--almost as much as in Nerima. ^_^
He wasn't dissapointed. In the distance, the SDF-1 was partially
hidden
by a cloud of dust, and if his eyes didn't cheat him, the ship was
tilted
to
one side.
I believe there is one "s" and two "p"s in "disappointed".
You're absolutely right. My bad.
Rick's had minutes ago--into that same metal bird of prey configuration
that
he remembered seeing before, its wings deployed and legs outstretched as
if
to land. It deftly settled in the middle of the street, and the gaping
martial artist noticed that it had a black skull painted under the
canopy.
Technically, that would be the Veritech heat shield. Quick, everbody, plug
your ears while I go get my teaching jacket, with those leather patches on
the elbows.
You see, the Veritech fighter contains retractable heat shields which cover
vital components of the fighter when it is exposed to, say, an explosion,
or
the heat of re-entering Earth's atmosphere. These sheets of armour also
slide into place during transformation, which is why you can't usually see
the pilot of the ship when it is in Battloid form. The heat shield usually
has the emblem of the squadron painted on it. It's the shield over the
canopy, not the canopy itself, that has the skull painted on it.
Right again. I've already rewritten this scene, and the revision has a more
accurate description of the insignia.
Oh, yeah, and Skull Squadron's logo is a white skull and crossbones on
black, not a black skull. Please forgive this annoying little nitpick.
It's not a nitpick. Two people have already pointed this out, and you're all
oh-so-right.
Details, details... Can't write without them, can't remember them. ^_^
Without losing a heartbeat, the Robotech craft finished shifting,
rapidly
becoming a robot, much like the one that rested against the building.
For the next few minutes, Ranma ogled mesmerized as the Battloid
with
You missed some commas, my good man! "Ranma ogled, mesmerized, as the
Battloid..." Happens to the best of us, or so I'm told.
Well, at least I'm missing them, and not overusing them as before. Now I
just have to achieve a balance. ^_^
�Well, at least I know why these things were so secret.�
Unbelievable.
He would have called it magical, but he, perhaps better than most
people,
knew that magic was a very different thing. All that magic had ever
brought
to him had been pain--and curses, of course.
Now that's hardly fair. Magic's also brought him a whole lot of trouble.
^_^
Heh. Now that I think about it, it also brought him a beautiful female
body... but that's probably beside the point. ^_^
Ranma smirked. "Try not to step on anyone, eh?"
Rick growled, "The only one I might step on is you."
"Ha! As if you could catch me," yelled Ranma at the Battloid, but
started walking away anyway. If there was something he had learned
during
his life in Nerima it was that you should never _ever_ push your luck.
And so it continues. The Battle of the Mega-Egos. Buy your tickets now, for
just $9999.99!
Heheh. Which ego will we the winner? Which ego will be the _biggest_? Find
out in the next chapter of... Silent Battles. Soon, in your local FFML.
"That's beside the point. With all the money they spent in t--" He
couldn't finish, as Minmei suddenly gave a yelp.
"My dairy! I forgot my diary!" she said, almost shouting.
Is this some new way of saying "oh,my!" that Minmei invented, or did she
actually leave behind the family milk? It's "diary", not "dairy".
Heheheh. Ooops?
MINMEI: How will I get milk now?! I HAVE to go back.
Will fix. Thanks or the catch.
"What?" asked Ranma, confused. A strong sense of d�j� vu was
invading
him.
"I have to go back!"
�Oh, no, girl. Not you too! What's with women and diaries?� thought
Ranma, a little annoyed. If he ever had a daughter, he would be certain
she
didn't keep a diary. Those things were disasters waiting to happen.
Preach on, my brother. They nearly kill more anime characters than falling
debris.
Right. Diaries have almost killed TWO characters in this fic alone... Am I
running out of ideas or what? ^_^
"Come back!" cried Lena, worry etched in her face.
"I'll be back in a moment!" shouted Minmei over her shoulder, and
with
that, she was off, losing herself in the maze of streets.
Ah, Minmei. You almost have to pity a girl with so few working brain
cells...
Heheh. ^_^
Geez, you _really_ don't like her, ne? I remember when I was just like
you... ^_^
Somewhere in the city of Macross, Ranma fought for his life.
Nice way to catch our attention with this scene, here.
Thanks.
He had been trying to find his way back to the restaurant, looking
for
Minmei, when those strange war machines had appeared seemingly out of
nowhere. They had two legs articulated backwards, and this gave them the
appearance of ostriches--headless, wingless, packed with heavy weapons
ostriches. They had come hopping swiftly, and had immediately showered
the
whole city in missiles. Luckily, Macross had been evacuated in time, and
the
streets were almost desert. Except for some CD workers, Ranma--and
Minmei.
Might want to actually say Civil Defense workers. I got this bad image of a
bunch of guys sitting there, valiantly making their CDs, as war raged
around
them. By gosh, that DoCo album would be released on time, Battlepods or no
Battlepods!
Heheh. Well, it seemed pretty obvious, but, as I heard someone say before: I
aim to please. Will change.
So, when one of the those Zentraedi Battlepods had finally noticed
Ranma
and started firing laser beams at him, he fought. After all, he didn't
want
to die.
Seems logical enough. Although how he'll beat something that's the size of
a
building and then some, and outweighs him by a few hundred elephants is
beyond me...
Well, you'll have to read and see, won't you?
But even as he ducked low to avoid an incoming energy bolt, Ranma
was
smiling. He felt ecstatic, exhilarated. This is what he had trained his
whole life for: fighting. It didn't matter if it was against a robot or
a
person. It didn't matter if his enemies had rockets and lasers when all
he
could use was his own body--he had faced worst odds before.
"...had faced worse odds", not "worst" odds.
You're right. My mistake.
Around him, chaos ensued.
Ensued? More like continued : they've already shelled the place, right? ^_^
Heh. Bad choice of word. Will change.
Help had finally arrived, and in the form of tall robots just like
the
ones he had seen outside the White Dragon. They kept firing those
powerful
guns of theirs, destroying pods left and right. They were really
agile--much
more so than what its size and weight suggested--and seemed to dance
around
the larger Battlepods, rapidly overcoming them.
I'm a fan of that one Battloid in canon that ran out of ammunition and just
put the boots to his opponent. I mean, taking on a bigger, meaner, and
better armed mecha with just fists? That takes guts, even if you aren't
Leon
McNichol.
Well, then you HAVE to be Ranma's fan. He's taking on the pods with his
fists... and no mecha! THAT takes guts--and lots of skill (or a couple of
Flowers of Life, but that's entirely another matter ^_^).
And I have no idea who Leon McNichol is. Not so famous down here, I guess.
�Time for the big guns,� he decided wordlessly. Ranma quickly
crossed
his arms in front of his chest, then snapped them forward and to the
side.
He didn't even announce the attack. �No need to show off,� he thought,
as
the nearly invisible vacuum blasts soared through the air toward the
pod.
A
moment later, a now leg-less Battlepod lay helplessly atop the building,
desperately trying to keep itself from rolling over the edge of the
roof.
Picked that one up from Herb, did he?
Umm, I haven't reached that far in the manga. If you mean his move, then
that was one of the Saotome Forbidden Techniques. I'm on shaky ground here,
as all the information I have about them come from fanfics, but that was
supposed to be a technique called 'Kijin Raishu Dan', and part of Genma's
Yama Sen Ken. It creates ki-charged vacuum blades that can cut steel like if
it were butter.
�That one won't be moving for a while.� Even as he was thinking
this,
a
Battloid arrived to the place where the alien warcraft lay and finished
it
off with its Gatling gun.
Technically... (audience groans "enough, already!")
Maybe the audience, but I don't. I need all the help that I can get to stay
in canon.
Er... let me just point
out that a Veritech carries a rail gun, not a Gatling gun.
Umm, don't know about that. 'Genesis' is full of references about Battloids
using Gatling guns. Will check it out, though.
He had seen too many dead bodies in the last fifteen minutes. It
seemed all the people who had stayed in the city after the evacuation
order
had died. Emergency personnel, CD workers, all of them. Why would a
teenager
girl be any different?
I think you want to say "teenaged" girl, not "teenager" girl.
Right. Consider it fixed.
He looked to the distant SDF-1.
Or "at" it, whichever you prefer.
Look 'at', all right. Will change.
It wasn't till that moment that Ranma finally recognized the white
and
brown Guardian that stood frozen now watching the alien craft: it was
Rick's
aircraft! �The boy is alive,� he thought, relieved. �Maybe he can help
me
look for Minmei.�
I'd say that it wasn't "until" that moment that Ranma finally recognized...
Okay. As I've said before, I'm a proud member of the 'Do-What-Morgan-Says'
school. ^_^
and good catch on the colour change of that Guardian! It was orange and
white in the anime, but McKinney's books do refer to it as being brown and
white.
Well, I really don't remember the first episodes that well, so I'm using Mc
Kinney's novels for details like this one.
Then, the Guardian started firing his Gattling, and Ranma had to
cover
"T" for two, it it? I think that the word is spelled "Gatling".
I'm beginning to think I should get a spell-checker... You're right, it's
'Gatling'.
And we've
already discussed that whole "Gatling / rail gun" thing up above. ^_^
Yeah, we have. ^_^
His intention was clear to Ranma; he had seen that same
expression many times in the mirror: revenge. If he was going to go, he
would take with him his killer. The young boy was going to die, and why?
Because he had fought back?! Because he hadn't let himself be KILLED?!
I think most people say "take his killer with him", not "take with him his
killer". It's another judgement call, but I think the former flows a little
better.
Okay, then. Will change.
He practically flew towards him, his feet melting the asphalt with
each
step. A bright white aura emerged from his body, but Ranma didn't
notice.
Gohan? ^_^
This may be the right moment to tell you that this is actually a
Ranma/Robotech/DRAGONBALL Z crossover. ^_^
Sorry, I've been watching too much Dragonball Z again...
I can't blame you, even when I think that the original Dragonball is much
better than Z.
He poised his fist backward, ready to strike. He was no more than a
mile
from the alien, seeing with hatred how the behemoth was about to reach
the
canopy of the Guardian, when he heard a deafening buzz saw sound.
Buzzsaw is one word, I believe. Like hacksaw or jigsaw.
Umm, I'm not sure. I've checked, and, while 'buzzsaw' isn't in the
dictionary, 'buzz saw' is. Will check again, though.
But he, better than anyone, knew that there are promises you
sometimes
can't keep. He had once promised to never let his fianc�e die.
Ack. Another very good ending, and it sounds like Ranma's still having some
difficulties over that whole "Saffron killed Akane" thing.
Thanks. And, well, it's not something that Ranma could easily get over. True
love (IMO) is a very strong bond.
I shudder to
imagine how this man plans to pair Rick and Minmei together : he DID study
at the Saotome / Tendo school of making people fall in love, right? My one
condolence is that he is almost doomed to fail. Although, it should be
funny
watching him try.
Doomed to fail? Don't know about that. After all, things might be a little
different with Ranma around. ^_~
Quick question : you've carefully avoided telling us how old Ranma is now.
I
assume he's younger than Gloval, who was in his fifties, and older than
Rick, who is I think sixteen. However, is he too old to be a fighter pilot?
Even the RDF must have rules about age. Then again, the RDF signed up Max
Sterling, and those blue glasses of his are prescription, so I guess maybe
it doesn't matter.
Aha! Actually, there's actually a little mention of his age (added in the
revision, so that's probably why you missed it), but _you_ shouldn't need
it. The SDF-1 leaves the Earth in the tenth anniversary of his crash, so, if
he was still living with Akane when the ship arrived, he has to be around 26
now. Young and strong to pilot a Veritech!
Anyway, a great story, with good grammar and characterisation. As always,
you've managed to recap important events without boring people who've
already seen them, and finished on a cliffhanger that has me, for one,
wanting more. Kudos!
Thanks for the praise! And the cliffhanger was unintentional. Really. ^_^
BTW, FFMLers. If you're reading this, know that this and the previous
chapters of SB can be now found at:
http://lwf58.tripod.com/fan_fiction/latin_d/ thanks to Larry F, who kindly
decided to host them. So, if you want to read them, you know where to go
(chapters 1 and 2 are also in Tannim's site).
Thanks again, Morgan, for taking the time to C&C and help a newbie. You're
the best. Now get to write Ronin Summer's new sequel! ^_^
Bye and good luck,
Latin_D