Since this is a relatively short fic, and time for me is short, I thought
it was a good match. :) C&C follows.
----- Original Message -----
From: Jeremy Fogelman <jemhf@wam.umd.edu>
To: FFML <ffml@fanfic.com>
Cc: Josef Boydon <graey@livewire.com.ph>
Sent: Monday, May 22, 2000 9:40 PM
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma][Fanfic] fic 1 of 2: The Bruise
As I posted before here's the first one:
Fic One of Two:
The Bruise
"NO! You can't make me!"
Heads turned as they watched a panda run growling after a sprinting
young red-haired girl. As the pair careened down the street, they knocked
numerous hapless carts in their way into splinters. The panda grabbed the
girl, and whacked her over the head with a street sign. The girl
instantly
fell into a deep catatonic state. The panda growled, and all the watching
pedestrians instantly found fascinating pieces of dirt on the ground.
***
The panda walked in the door followed by an extremely dejected looking
young red-headed girl. This was not lost on the Tendos. Soun crept over
carefully.
"And who might you be?"
The girl glared at him. "I'm Ranma Saotome. I'm not really a girl,
so
don't get any ideas, got it?" Soun fell back, confused. "But I thought
Ranma was the name of Genma's son, not daughter." A look of realization
came across Soun's face. "Oh, of course. You think because you look
feminine, you might be mistaken for a girl. Don't worry, young lad! We
are
happy to meet you!" Soun reached down and hugged Ranma but stood shock
still
when he realized that the young "boy" had breasts. Nabiki poked at one.
"Yep, a girl, all right." With an enraged look, Ranma grabbed
Nabiki's
hand and nearly broke it as Ranma yanked Nabiki's arm away.
Ranma glared at Nabiki. "Please don't do that."
Nabiki rubbed her sore wrist and looked down contemptuously at Ranma.
"Don't worry, Ranma. I wouldn't dream of it." Akane, relieved that their
visitor was not a boy, gave a concerned look at the young girl.
"Hey, listen, Ranma, forget about her. We can be friends, if you
want."
Ranma looked at Akane, uncertainty warring across her features.
"Well..."
Akane smiled. "If you want to, we can spar."
A delighted look came across Ranma's petite features. "I'd love to!"
Akane led the girl to the dojo.
Akane glanced at Ranma as they both assumed fighting stances. "Don't
worry, Ranma, I won't hurt you."
Ranma grinned devilishly. "Ok, if you say so."
Without warning, Akane leapt at Ranma with a flying kick, which Ranma
easily dodged. As she spun, Ranma grabbed Akane's outstretched foot and
dropped, sending Akane careening into the wall.
Akane slowly got to her feet, now considerably more impressed. She
shook
herself. "Ok, no more games!"
Akane feinted to the left, to the right, then executed a perfect
spinning kick then should have ended the match . . . if Ranma was still
there. As Akane landed, Ranma kicked her with a blow square on the back
that
knocked her to the floor.
She grinned. "Had enough?"
Akane got to her feet. "Wow you're really good! I'm just glad you're
not
a boy." She laughed lightly.
Ranma's eyes darkened and her voice rose. "What did you say? A boy?! I
oughta . . ." She stepped menacingly toward Akane, who took a step back in
fear and surprise. Ranma shook her head. "No. Ranma, control yourself. She
doesn't know any better." Ranma breathed in deeply and her expression
cleared.
Nabiki chewed her fingernail. "Feeling better, _Ranma_?" she drawled.
End for now
Wow, Ranma doesn't seem to have any hangups about hurting girls in this
version. Also a temper problem. And yet... this one seems much more childish
than canon.
Overall, you need to flesh this out more. While normally I'm not a big fan
of repeating 'Here's Ranma!' scenes, you're going to have to add a bit more
to either side of each scene. Add some description, character explanation,
etc. This chapter comes off as oddly disjointed and surreal, as the 'camera'
switches from scene to scene with virtually no warning.
Thomas Hood
thood@cs.mun.ca