Since this is a relatively short fic, and time for me is short, I thought
it was a good match. :) C&C follows.
----- Original Message -----
From: Jeremy Fogelman <jemhf@wam.umd.edu>
To: FFML <ffml@fanfic.com>
Cc: Josef Boydon <graey@livewire.com.ph>
Sent: Monday, May 22, 2000 9:40 PM
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma][Fanfic] fic 1 of 2: The Bruise
[Snip!]
Wow, Ranma doesn't seem to have any hangups about hurting girls in this
version. Also a temper problem. And yet... this one seems much more
childish
than canon.
Certainly much more prepared to lash out, not to mention far more sensitive
about the curse.
Overall, you need to flesh this out more. While normally I'm not a big fan
of repeating 'Here's Ranma!' scenes, you're going to have to add a bit more
to either side of each scene.
More does need to be added, although I tend to feel that the scenes you do
have could get away with only minor alterations *IF* what follows them can
capture and hold the readers interest. Since the Fic-fragment ends so
quickly it is difficult to say more.
Add some description, character explanation,
etc. This chapter comes off as oddly disjointed and surreal, as the
'camera'
switches from scene to scene with virtually no warning.
Much of that does seem to come from the fact that you seem to assume that
your audience is "experienced" with alt-Ranma fics and minimise the familiar
scenes. Not necessarily a bad thing. As an opening goes what you have
here generates a mild amount of interest, what your story now needs is
something to serve as a hook to get the reader truly interested.
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"The Major" | "Funny Games, Strange Cartoons, Confusing
David Bateson | Computers and too many Books! No
| wonder you're weird."
majorb@one.net.au | - My Sister.
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