I have to confess that this part of the story has yet to capture my
interest. Both the characters seem so shallow and self-centered -
given the immature way they've acted to get into this whole marriage
predicament, especially now that they're adults rather than teenagers -
that it's hard to really care about either of them
The impression I get (from the few people who responded to this) is that
this particular sub-plot isn't inspiring a lot of interest. Oh well,
can't win 'em all. Though maybe people will like this one better when
they see where it's going.
I went back and re-read the Ukyou portions of "Hearts and Minds,"
because it bothered me that I couldn't offer anything constructive
to say. I still don't know if I've come up with anything, but I think
the biggest problem is that Ukyou is just not likeable as you've
written her in this story. You can respect her for her work ethic,
but she really comes across as a bitch sometimes, especially in
the part where she's lying flat-out to Nodoka about her sex life
with Mikado.
So as a reader, you wonder where it's going. Is she going to end
up married to Mikado? That seems pretty awful. Is she going to
get out of it? That isn't very satisfying either - she's been so
ill-tempered and stupid about this whole thing that it seems
inappropriate that she'd get away clean. What would be a satisfying
resolution? Very hard to say.
I am theorizing here that Ukyou may just be your problem character,
as a writer. It happens to some people. Nick Leifker always
struggles with Ryouga. Susan Doenime has a tough time with
Kasumi. Me? Nodoka's the one who gives me fits, which is why
I've dumped every scene I've ever tried to write with her in it.
Perhaps you've spent so much effort combatting the St. Ukyou
cliche that it now has become very difficult for you to write
Ukyou in a likeable way, flaws and all.
I don't know how you could help the Ukyou in "Hearts and Minds"
without some fairly significant rewriting. It's very hard to have any
sympathy for a character who gets herself into so much trouble
for such petty and mean-spirited reasons. If the whole fiasco came
about more from matters of bad luck and circumstance (rather than
her own deliberate actions), it would be easier to pull for her... and
probably easier to laugh at the absurdity of it.
So I don't know if that helps at all.
Wouldn't this be a fine time for a Shakespearean death speech?
Or at least a badly-wounded speech.
Nah, nobody paying attention anyway.
KUNO: (Through Megaphone) "Lo! What hurt hath I taken? HEY! I SAID
'LO!' Is ANYBODY paying attention here?"
But he has a perfectly good excuse now! "I fell into one of those
springs during the fight." How odd that he looks so much like
Akane's pet from so long ago, but it's a reasonable excuse, isn't
it?
Stop peeking at my outline for the next chapter, okay? :)
Just returning the favor a little bit, which you'll see when I finally
get this latest chapter done (heh heh).
Later,
Grayson Towler
http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless