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                       "The Replacement Ranmas"
                           by Angus MacSpon
                          macspon@ihug.co.nz
          http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/fanfic/index.html

                               Part Five

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[Evening at the Tendo home.  TENCHI, NANAMI and NUKU-NUKU are standing
in the living room.  NUKU-NUKU is glomping TENCHI.  TENCHI is staring
vacantly into space, saying "Oh, no," over and over again.]

NANAMI:  Shampoo's been telling me all about how she met you in China,
Ranma.

TENCHI:  Oh, no.

NANAMI:  I'd heard that the girls all seem to go for you, but this one
is really something.  You defeat her in combat, then marry her and make
passionate love to her non-stop for three _weeks_?

TENCHI:  [Horror]  Oh, _no_!

NUKU-NUKU:  That is what happen.  Shnuku-nuku promise.

NANAMI:  You stallion, you!

TENCHI:  Oh, no.  Oh, no.  Oh, no ...



[Outside the door to the living room.  ASUKA and YOSHO are listening.]

ASUKA:  Think we should put him out of his misery?

YOSHO:  Oh, no.

ASUKA:  That's not funny.



[The living room.]

NANAMI:  I think you can probably let him go now.  He look like he's
been sufficiently tormented.

NUKU-NUKU:  Shnuku-nuku is very comfortable where she is.

NANAMI:  Well, okay.  Who am I to argue with that?

TENCHI:  Oh, n--

NANAMI:  Will you stop saying that?

TENCHI:  Umm ...

NANAMI:  Anyway, Shampoo, I'm surprised to see you here.  I thought you
weren't supposed to show up until after the Martial Arts figure-skating
story.

[ASUKA and YOSHO come in.]

ASUKA:  Oh, I just can't _wait_ to see who's playing Azusa and Mikado.

YOSHO:  I assure you, I can.

NUKU-NUKU:  Well, Great-Grandmother said this story isn't likely to last
too much longer before real Ranma characters find out and come and kill
author, so Shnuku-nuku should get her chance while she can.

TENCHI:  Great-grandmother?  Geez, that's all we need.

[A diminutive figure suddenly pops up and bops him on the head with a
wooden staff.  The figure is wearing a long robe with a hood concealing
its face.]

FIGURE:  Show a little respect, son-in-law.

TENCHI [rubbing his head]:  Ow.

NUKU-NUKU:  Oh!  Great-grandmother!

TENCHI:  This old ghoul is your great-grandmother?  [The figure bops him
again.]  Ow.

FIGURE:  You're in deep trouble, young man.  I can see the doom in your
face.  Something horrible is going to happen to you.

TENCHI [looking from NUKU-NUKU to the figure]:  I think it already has.
[The figure bops him again.]  Ow.

NANAMI:  Wait a minute.  I recognise that voice.

[She reaches out and flips the figure's hood back.]

ASUKA:  Cherry!

NANAMI:  And in drag, yet.

CHERRY:  [Sudden panic] It wasn't my idea!  Really!

ASUKA:  Man, you must be hard up.

NANAMI:  Hmm.  Say, Cherry, it would certainly be a shame if other
people in your series got to hear about this, wouldn't it?

CHERRY:  You wouldn't!

NANAMI:  Oh?

CHERRY [defeated]:  Oh, all right.  Stick it on my account, then.  I'll
pay at the end of the month, as usual.

YOSHO:  You have an account with Nabiki?

CHERRY:  Doesn't everybody?

ASUKA:  How did you get involved with this, anyway?

CHERRY:  Well, things have been pretty slow since Ataru disappeared, and
Lum went off to look for him.  So I thought I'd --

NANAMI:  Ataru has disappeared?

[There is a sudden knock at the door.  NANAMI goes to answer it.  It is
LUM.]

LUM:  Excuse me, but has anyone here seen Darling?

CHERRY:  See?  I told you.

NANAMI [to LUM]:  Why are you looking for him _here_?

ASUKA [turning pale]:  You don't think Ataru's ...?



[A deserted mountainside, far away.  We see a giant boulder, sealing the
entrance to a cave.]

ATARU [from behind boulder]:  Great.  Just great.  First they tell me I
can chase all the girls I want, then they shut me up inside this cave!
And I thought this "Happosai" was supposed to be a big part ...

[We hear a faint thud as ATARU kicks the boulder.]

ATARU:  Ow.



[The Tendo living room.  TENCHI is _still_ being glomped by NUKU-NUKU.
ASUKA, NANAMI and YOSHO are still watching.]

TENCHI:  Can't any of you get her off me?  Please?

NANAMI:  What's it worth to you?

ASUKA:  Oh, for heaven's sake.  Here.

[She pulls out a glass of water and dumps it over NUKU-NUKU.  Looking
disappointed, NUKU-NUKU lets go of TENCHI and runs out.  A moment later,
another more-or-less feline figure sprints in to replace her.  The
newcomer studies TENCHI for a moment.]

MERLE:  Well, he's no Van Farnel ...

[She examines him for a few seconds more, and grins.]

MERLE:  ... But he'll do!

[She glomps onto TENCHI and starts licking his face.]

NANAMI:  Ooh, kinky.

ASUKA:  I don't believe it!  She's just as bad as the other one!

NANAMI:  Yeah, but Ranma isn't complaining this time.

TENCHI:  Err, well, this is pretty good, actually ...

ASUKA:  AUGGGHH!

[NANAMI's eyes suddenly light up.  She pulls out a camera and starts
snapping off shots.]

TENCHI [to MERLE]:  Just a little higher, maybe?

MERLE:  Gotcha.  [She licks a little higher.]

TENCHI:  Oh.  Oh.  Oh yeah.

ASUKA [fuming]:  I thought you were supposed to be afraid of cats?

TENCHI:  Umm ... er ... boy, it's amazing how suddenly these phobias can
be cured sometimes, isn't it?

ASUKA:  Yeah, _right_.

CHERRY [to MERLE]:  Great-granddaughter, behave yourself.  This is quite
... er ... quite ... quite ...  [He watches for a moment longer.  Then,
to NANAMI:]  Say, Nabiki, how much for a set of prints of those pictures
you're taking?

NANAMI:  I'm sure we can work out a reasonable rate.

CHERRY:  Oh dear.



[The next morning.  ASUKA and TENCHI are on their way to school.  ASUKA
is fuming.]

ASUKA:  Honestly!

TENCHI:  It wasn't my fault!

ASUKA:  All that moaning, and yelling, and caterwauling ... all night
long ...

TENCHI:  It wasn't that loud, was it?  [He sees her face.]  Maybe it
was.

ASUKA:  In the dojo ... then out in the yard ... then up on the roof ...

TENCHI:  Err ...

ASUKA:  What will the neighbours think?

TENCHI:  Actually ...

ASUKA:  And then, that blissful smile on her face this morning ...

TENCHI:  I thought it was kind of cute.  [He sees her face.]  Sorry.

ASUKA:  I've never been so embarrassed in my life.

TENCHI:  Hey, it was Nabiki who gave her the catnip, not me.

ASUKA:  Grr ...

TENCHI:  I had nothing to do with it!

ASUKA:  I've a good mind to sabotage Nabiki's restaurant opening
tonight.

TENCHI:  Hmm.  I know a place where we can get more catnip.

ASUKA:  No.  No, I want to be subtler than that.  Now, what would be
particularly devastating ...?

TENCHI:  Get Kasumi to help out with the cooking?

ASUKA:  Ooh, yes!  I like it.  And I don't think Nabiki knows that
Kasumi is actually Mara yet, either.



[Elsewhere.  NANAMI is setting in a small room filled with bugging
equipment, radio apparatus and other electronic paraphernalia.  She
removes the earphones of a compact radio receiver.]

NANAMI:  So that's the game, is it?  Hmm, now what shall I do about
this?

[She glances around the room.]

NANAMI:  Man, that Nabiki has a great setup.  I must remember some of
this stuff when I get back home.

[A telephone rings.  She answers it.]

NANAMI:  Hello?  Oh, hi, Hiroshi.  He said _what_?  The author doesn't
want a restaurant in the dojo?  I don't care!  Look, you're a partner in
this deal, you change his mind!  I don't care if he says there could be
trouble!  I'm Nabiki Tendo!  I can handle this!

[She hangs up.]

NANAMI:  I can handle this.



[Back to TENCHI and ASUKA.]

TENCHI:  Hey, looks like Nabiki's going to have some competition.

ASUKA:  Eh?

[They are passing a building that has been fitted out as a restaurant.
There is a big sign on the door reading "OPENING TONIGHT".  An awning
has the name of the restaurant: "MAKO-CHAN'S".  This has been crossed
out, and "TUXEDO MAKO-CHAN'S" written underneath.  This too has been
crossed out, and at the very bottom of the sign, in extremely small
letters, is written "UCCHAN'S".]

ASUKA:  'Ucchan'?  That's that fruitcake we met last night, isn't it?

TENCHI:  Er, don't let her hear you say --

[MAKOTO steps out of the restaurant.  She is still wearing a tuxedo and
mask, and still has a broken-off stop-sign on her back.]

MAKOTO:  Hi, Ranchan!  Did I hear someone mention fruitcake?  I was
making a chocolate cake, actually, but fruitcake's pretty good too.

TENCHI:  You were making a chocolate cake?

ASUKA:  Mmmm, chocolate cake.

TENCHI:  I thought you only made okonomiyaki.

MAKOTO:  Well, okonomiyaki's pretty good, but there's no need to get
carried away.

TENCHI:  That's ... a pretty refreshing attitude, coming from you,
Ucchan.

ASUKA:  Mmmm, chocolate cake.

MAKOTO:  Anyway, I tried, but okonomiyaki's really hard to make with
this stop-sign.

TENCHI:  Spatula.

MAKOTO:  Right, sorry.

ASUKA:  I _said_, "Mmmm, chocolate cake."

MAKOTO:  Oh, would you like a bit?  Come on in.  Akane, isn't it?

ASUKA:  Right.

MAKOTO:  Wait a minute, aren't you engaged to Ranchan?

ASUKA:  That's all right, you can have him.  Where's that chocolate
cake?

MAKOTO:  That's ... a pretty refreshing attitude, coming from you,
Akane-chan.

ASUKA [arm-in-arm with MAKOTO]:  Something tells me this is going to be
the start of a beautiful friendship.

TENCHI [watching them go]:  Err ...

ASUKA:  But don't you ever take that tuxedo off?

MAKOTO:  Well, you did say it looks good on me ... and it's kind of hard
to get a regular school uniform that fits me, so I thought ...



[Elsewhere.  Juban, Tokyo.]

SAILOR MOON:  Another youma bits the dust!  Yes!

SAILOR MARS:  That was a tough one.

SAILOR VENUS:  We'd have been in trouble without you to help, Tuxedo
Kamen.

TUXEDO KAMEN [modestly]:  It was nothing.

SAILOR MERCURY:  But don't you find it a little ... drafty ... like
that?

TUXEDO KAMEN:  Err, well, Makoto borrowed my suit.  I thought it was
just going to be for a few hours, but ...

SAILOR VENUS:  At this rate we're going to have to start calling you
"Shitagi Kamen."



[Back in Nerima.  TENCHI, ASUKA and MAKOTO are walking to school.  ASUKA
is munching on an enormous slice of chocolate cake.]

TENCHI:  Anyway, didn't you challenge me to a duel, yesterday?

MAKOTO:  Oh, right.  We have to stick to the plot, don't we?

[ASUKA chokes.]

MAKOTO:  Well, I figure I'll just beat you up a little tonight, when I
go to the dojo to mess up Nanami's opening night.  I understand she's
got a booming business in El-Hazard, so I don't see why she has to butt
in here.

ASUKA:  You're going to mess up Nabiki's opening night?

TENCHI:  Well, well.

ASUKA:  It seems we have something in common.  Maybe we should join
forces ...

MAKOTO:  Hmm, tell me more.

VOICE [off]:  Hey!  You!

[They look around.  KEN is approaching them, looking angry.]

KEN:  What do you think you're doing with that stop-sign?

MAKOTO:  It's not a stop-sign, it's my spatula.  You see --

KEN:  It definitely looks like a stop-sign to me.

MAKOTO:  No, no.  See, the author couldn't afford a real spatula that
big, so we had to improvise --

KEN:  That's no excuse.  You could be causing serious traffic accidents.
I'm afraid I've got to place you under arrest.

ASUKA:  Wow, Ukyo, you're being arrested by ... our family doctor.

MAKOTO:  This is crazy!

KEN:  No, "crazy" is when you try to get away by disguising yourself
with a tuxedo, top hat and mask.

[He drags her off.]

ASUKA:  Pity.  I'm going to miss her.

TENCHI:  You're going to miss her chocolate cake, you mean.

ASUKA:  Well, if you're going to be picky ...

[They walk on for a little.]

TENCHI:  [Sighs]  Well, we've seen Ukyo, Shampoo and Cologne ... I
wonder what's happened to Ryoga?  He should have turned up by now.

ASUKA:  Do you really have to ask?



[Far away, on the world of Gaea.]

TAMAHOME:  Excuse me, but do you know where Furinkan High School is?

ALLEN SCHEZAR:  That's on the Mystic Moon, isn't it?  Sorry, this is
Asturia.

TAMAHOME:  Frankly, I think this "getting lost" bit can be taken a bit
too far.

ALLEN:  If you say so.  Tell me, you haven't seen Merle, have you?  She
seems to have gone missing.

TAMAHOME:  No, sorry.  Why are _you_ looking for her?

ALLEN:  Well, I seem to have been romantically linked with every other
female in my series, so I think it's her turn.

TAMAHOME:  I'll let her know if I see her.



[Nerima, evening.  The Tendo Dojo.  It has been fitted out rather nicely
as a restaurant.  YOSHO, KAJI, CHERRY, NUKU-NUKU, AOSHIMA and AZUSA are
sitting at various tables, eating heartily.  ASUKA and TENCHI come in.]

TENCHI:  Wow, she's really done it up well.

ASUKA:  Shh!  Remember, we're supposed to be sabotaging it.

TENCHI:  Oh, right.  Why are we doing this again?  No, never mind.
Nothing else in this story makes sense, so why start now?

ASUKA:  That's odd.  Everyone seems to be enjoying their food.  Did you
tell Mara to help out in the kitchen?

TENCHI:  You mean Kasumi.

ASUKA:  Right, sorry.

TENCHI:  Yes, I told her.  She said Nabiki was delighted by the offer.

ASUKA:  Something is very, very wrong here.

NANAMI [approaching them]:  Welcome to "Nanami's" (Licensed, open seven
days)!  Table for two?

ASUKA:  Er ...

TENCHI:  Yes.

NANAMI:  Right here.  [She hands them menus.]  I'll be back in a moment
to take your orders.

ASUKA:  I've got a bad feeling about this.

TENCHI [reading menu]:  Hey, some of this looks pretty good.

ASUKA:  Ohhh ...  [She studies her menu.]  Actually, you're right.

NANAMI [popping up]:  Are you ready to order yet?

[They give her their orders.]

NANAMI:  Thanks.  And seeing you're family, I'll give you a one and a
half percent discount.

ASUKA:  Gee, _thanks_.  [Nanami hurries away.]

TENCHI:  I wonder how she managed to get all this set up so fast?  She's
even got the place carpeted.

ASUKA:  Never underestimate my sister.  [Grudgingly]  It does look nice,
I guess.

TENCHI:  Even Miss Hinako's here.

[LUM comes in.  NANAMI intercepts her.]

LUM:  You haven't seen Darling, have you?

NANAMI:  Sorry.  Would you like something to eat while you're here?

LUM:  Why not?

[NANAMI shows LUM to a table.]

ASUKA:  Wow, everyone's coming here.  Poor Ukyo.  She won't be getting
any customers at all.

TENCHI:  Well, she's under arrest, remember.

ASUKA:  No, I heard she managed to hit Doctor Tofu with a lightning bolt,
somehow, and escaped.

TENCHI:  Oh.

[MARA come in holding two plates.  She sets them before ASUKA and TENCHI.]

MARA:  Here you go.

ASUKA:  Er, what?  Hey, I thought we had an agreement!  You said you
were going to --

MARA [smirking]:  Well, Nabiki told me that since you were so keen for
me to help out in the kitchen, I should just concentrate on cooking for
you.  So I'll be handling all your food for tonight, and Nabiki'll be
doing everyone else's.

TENCHI:  Akkkk ...

ASUKA:  Oh, no.

MARA [smirking]:  So dig in!

ASUKA:  Oh, no.

TENCHI:  Have mercy.

ASUKA:  Please.

MARA:  Heh, heh, heh.

ASUKA:  Nabiki, I'm going to get you for this.

MARA [suddenly menacing]:  Eat!

ASUKA:  Okay, okay, okay ...

[She picks up her chopsticks reluctantly, as MARA watches, and takes
a very very small bite of something unidentifiable.  Steam begins to
come out of her ears.]

MARA:  You too, Ranma.

TENCHI:  Umm ...

[Suddenly inspired, he accidentally-on-purpose knocks his glass of water
with his elbow, spilling it on himself.]

TENCHI:  Thank goodness.

[He gets up and runs out.  At the same time, SHAYLA runs in.]

SHAYLA:  At last!  I thought I was never going to appear again.  I
wasn't in last episode at _all_, and I only got a cameo in the one
before that.

ASUKA [strangled voice, green face]:  You may want to think twice about
how lucky you are.

SHAYLA:  Yeah?  Why?  [She glances down at her plate.]  Say, what is
this stuff?

MARA:  Eat it.  It's good for you.

SHAYLA:  Well, if you say so.  [She tries a bit.]  Mmm, spicy.

ASUKA and MARA:  WHAT!!

SHAYLA [tucking into her meal]:  You guys have obviously never tried
Miz's cooking.  This is pretty good stuff by comparison.

ASUKA:  I think I'm going to be sick.

SHAYLA:  Can I have yours, then?

ASUKA:  Not after I've been sick into it.  Unless El-Hazard cooking is
_really_ bizarre.

[A slight pause.]

SHAYLA:  Yep, we're definitely going to have to censor this episode.

ASUKA:  Sorry.  It just slipped out.

SHAYLA:  Well --

TAMAHOME:  RANMA!  PREPARE TO DIE!

[They look around.  TAMAHOME has just staggered in through the door.  He
lurches toward SHAYLA.]

SHAYLA:  Ryoga!  You finally made it!

TAMAHOME:  Who are you?  Somebody said Ranma was in here.

SHAYLA:  You jackass!  _I'm_ Ranma!

TAMAHOME:  You are?  [He studies her.]  Wow, Ranma, I never knew you
were a cross-dresser.  You look just like a girl.

SHAYLA:  YOU IDIOT!  I AM A GIRL!

[She activates her Lamps, which start powering up.]

TAMAHOME:  Er ... now hold on ... I can't fight a girl.  Can I?  Or is
that just Ranma?  Wait a minute.  [He starts paging hastily through his
script.]

SHAYLA:  TAKE THIS!

[She zaps him, but good.  TAMAHOME is thrown backward, singed, onto a
nearby table.  It happens to be AZUSA's table.]

TAMAHOME:  I changed my mind.  I definitely _can_ fight girls.

[He jumps up and leaps toward SHAYLA.  The two of them start fighting
furiously.  Fire-bolts fly in all directions from SHAYLA's Lamps.
TAMAHOME dodges without much trouble.]

[AZUSA stares after TAMAHOME.]

AZUSA:  That man ... had an oni mark on his forehead.  [Joyfully:]  At
last, I get to fight a mamono of my own!

[SHAYLA and TAMAHOME fight on.  The restaurant is getting thoroughly
wrecked.  NANAMI stares in horror.  MARA is enjoying the show, and
occasionally applauding.  NUKU-NUKU is also enjoying the show.  KAJI
gets splashed with water from a flying bottle and has to hurriedly
change places with PEN-PEN.]

AZUSA:  Fear not!  Azusa Kanzaki, mamono hunter (in training), is here!

[She glows, and shifts to her mamono-hunter costume.]

ASUKA:  Hiss Hinako?!

AZUSA:  Spear of Fuma, appear!  [Her spear appears.]  Now, demon, for
daring to disrupt a peaceful evening's meal, I shall not forgive you!
[Thinks:]  Hey, that was pretty good, Yohko's speech-making lessons are
sure paying off.  Plus that Moon girl on TV.

AZUSA [aloud]:  Now, demon, prepare to perish painfully!  HAPPO SPEAR
OF FUMA SATSU!

[Nothing happens.]

ASUKA:  You idiot!  That only works with coins!

AZUSA:  Oh, right.  Whoops.  I guess I'll just have to do this the
traditional way.

[She launches herself at TAMAHOME, who dodges.  Her spear gives SHAYLA
a cut along the ribs instead.]

SHAYLA:  Hey, watch it, you bozo!  I mean, sensei!  Oww!

AZUSA:  Sorry.

NUKU-NUKU:  Crazy spear girl!  You not attack Shnuku-nuku's husband!

[NUKU-NUKU leaps at AZUSA, who dodges.]

AZUSA:  You ... you have cat ears!  You must be a mamono, too!

ASUKA [muttering]:  Oh boy.  That's all we need.  A cat-fight.

[NUKU-NUKU and AZUSA start fighting.  NUKU-NUKU is stronger, but AZUSA
is a little nimbler.  They do quite a bit of damage.  Meanwhile SHAYLA
and TAMAHOME continue to disintegrate everything in their vicinity.]

NANAMI [in despair]:  My restaurant!

YOSHO [in despair]:  My dojo!

AOSHIMA:  Check, please!

MARA:  Right with you, honey.

AOSHIMA:  Ack!  You!

[He tries to run for the exit, but AZUSA and NUKU-NUKU are in the way.
MARA follows him, and they begin running round and round the dojo.]

NANAMI:  Well, at least nothing else can go wrong tonight.

ASUKA:  I'm pretty sure you're going to regret saying that.

[Suddenly a new figure bursts into the dojo.  He has long, flowing blond
hair, and is wearing heavy armour and a sword.  He is also wearing
large, thick glasses.]

GOURRY GABRIEV:  RANMA SAOTOME!  PREPARE TO DIE!

CHERRY:  Mousse!  What are you doing here?

GOURRY:  Who said that?

CHERRY:  I did, you moron!

GOURRY [to ASUKA]:  Cologne?

ASUKA:  Not me!  Him!  [She points to CHERRY.]

GOURRY:  Damn these glasses.  [He takes them off.]  Wow.  Cologne's a
man?  That's going to surprise everyone back home.  Especially Shampoo's
mother.

CHERRY:  You moron!

GOURRY:  Well, never mind that now.  Which one is Ranma?

ASUKA:  Over there.  [She points to SHAYLA.]

GOURRY:  RANMA, YOU CUR!  NOT ONLY ARE YOU STEALING AWAY MY BELOVED
SHAMPOO, BUT YOU'RE A CROSS-DRESSER TO BOOT!  [He scratches his head.]
And a pretty convincing one, too.  And, say, since when did Shampoo have
cat-ears?

SHAYLA:  You moron!

AZUSA:  That's not Shampoo!  That's a mamono!

NUKU-NUKU:  Nuku-nuku is not a mamono!  Nuku-nuku is shampoo!  Or
something!

GOURRY:  AUGGHH!  SAOTOME, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

TAMAHOME:  THAT'S MY LINE!

GOURRY:  I DON'T CARE!  SAOTOME, PREPARE TO DIE!

[He draws his sword and springs forward to attack SHAYLA.  Suddenly
TENCHI leaps in front of him.]

TENCHI:  Fight _me_!

ASUKA:  You idiot!  You can't come in now!  Shayla is still here!

TENCHI:  It's a fight scene!  Nobody will notice!

GOURRY:  Who are _you_?

TENCHI:  I'm Ranma Saotome!  [Hesitates]  Possibly.

GOURRY:  All right!  That's more like it.

[He takes a massive swing.  TENCHI dodges and draws the Tenchi-ken.]

TENCHI:  At last, someone who fights with a sword!

[He activates the Tenchi-ken, which does its light-sabre impression.
GOURRY is impressed.]

GOURRY:  Pretty good.  How about this, though?  LIGHT, COME FORTH!

[The blade of the Sword of Light appears.]

TENCHI:  Not bad.

[They begin to fight.  Energy arcs between the two blades.  It's all
very impressive.  It's also pretty impressive the way the swords
slice effortlessly through walls, floor, ceiling, and anything else
that happens to be in the way.]

NANAMI [in tears]:  My restaurant ...

YOSHO [in tears]:  My dojo ...

GOURRY:  You're pretty good.

TENCHI:  Thanks.  So are you.

[Suddenly a stray fire-bolt of SHAYLA's hits GOURRY.  He is somewhat
singed.]

GOURRY:  Hey!  Who did that?

SHAYLA:  Sorry!

GOURRY:  It's the other Ranma Saotome!  This is so weird.  [To TENCHI:]
Wait here.  I'll be right back.  SAOTOME, PREPARE TO DIE!

[He charges off.  SHAYLA hits him with a few more fire-bolts, but the
Sword of Light deflects them.  He and SHAYLA begin to fight in earnest.]

TAMAHOME:  Hey!  What about me?

[They ignore him.]

TENCHI:  Well ... I suppose you could take me instead.  Who are you
again?

TAMAHOME [eying the Tenchi-ken]  Um ... nobody in particular.

TENCHI:  If you say so.

[Suddenly MAKOTO leaps in through the door.  She's still wearing her
Tuxedo Jupiter costume, but she no longer has the stop-sign.]

MAKOTO:  RANMA SAOTOME!  PREPARE TO DIE!

TENCHI:  Oh, terrific.

[Makoto lunges forward and hits him on the head with a potato peeler.]

TENCHI:  Ow!  What the --?  It's a potato peel--

MAKOTO [desperate]:  No!  It isn't!  It's my spatula!

TENCHI:  It's WHAT?

MAKOTO:  Doctor Tofu took away my stop-sign!  This was all I could find!

TENCHI:  ...

MAKOTO:  Now -- for abandoning me as a child, Ranma, prepare to die!
[She hold up the potato peeler threateningly.]

TENCHI:  POPS!  THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

PEN-PEN:  Arrrk.

[Yet another stray fire-bolt hits MAKOTO.]

MAKOTO:  OWWW!  Who did that?  Whoever that was, you're in trouble!
JUPITER CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE-UP!

[She transforms to Sailor Jupiter, and starts throwing lightning bolts
of her own.]

ASUKA:  Everyone's fighting everyone else, and nobody's fighting me.
This isn't so bad.

NANAMI [on telephone]:  All right, Hiroshi.  I give in.  I'll close the
restaurant.  [She glances around at all the wreckage.]  Just remember,
you're my partner, so we share the profits or the losses equally ...


[END OF PART FIVE]


[Closing theme: "Fly Me to the Moon" (reggae version) performed by Alvin
and the Chipmonks.]


------------------------------------------------------------------------

STARRING:

Ranma Saotome . . . . . Tenchi Masaki  ("Tenchi Muyo")
             . . . . . Shayla-Shayla  ("El-Hazard")
Akane Tendo . . . . . . Asuka Langley Soryu  ("Neon Genesis Evangelion")

CO-STARRING:

Soun Tendo  . . . . . . Yosho  ("Tenchi Muyo")
Kasumi Tendo  . . . . . Mara  ("Oh My Goddess!")
Nabiki Tendo  . . . . . Nanami Jinnai  ("El-Hazard")
Genma Saotome . . . . . Kaji Ryoji  ("Neon Genesis Evangelion")
             . . . . . Pen-Pen  ("Neon Genesis Evangelion")
Ryoga Hibiki  . . . . . Tamahome  ("Fushigi Yugi")
Tatewaki Kuno . . . . . Toshiyuki Aoshima  ("Oh My Goddess!")
Shampoo . . . . . . . . Nuku-Nuku  ("All-Purpose Cultural Catgirl
                                   Nuku-Nuku")
             . . . . . Merle  ("The Vision of Escaflowne")
Cologne . . . . . . . . Cherry  ("Urusei Yatsura")
Ukyo Kuonji . . . . . . Makoto Kino  ("Sailor Moon")
Happosai  . . . . . . . Ataru Moroboshi  ("Urusei Yatsura")
Mousse  . . . . . . . . Gourry Gabriev  ("The Slayers")

ALSO APPEARING:

Jusenkyo Guide  . . . . Batou  ("Ghost in the Shell")
Tofu Ono  . . . . . . . Ken Nakajima  ("You're Under Arrest!")
Hinako Ninomiya . . . . Azusa Kanzaki  ("Devil Hunter Yohko")
Daisuke . . . . . . . . Shinobu Tezuka  ("Here is Greenwood")
Hiroshi . . . . . . . . Mitsuru Ikeda  ("Here is Greenwood")
Sayuri  . . . . . . . . Kagome Higurashi  ("Inu-Yasha")
Yuka  . . . . . . . . . Noa Izumi  ("Mobile Police Patlabor")

SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCES:

Lum . . . . . . . . . . Herself  ("Urusei Yatsura")
Allen Schezar . . . . . Himself  ("The Vision of Escaflowne")
The Sailor Senshi . . . Themselves  ("Sailor Moon")

Disclaimer: All characters are copyright and appear without permission
                of their respective copyright-holders.
     No elephants were pickled during the writing of this fanfic.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


AUTHOR'S NOTE:
"Shitagi" means "underwear."  In case you were wondering.