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                       "The Replacement Ranmas"
                           by Angus MacSpon
                          macspon@ihug.co.nz
          http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/fanfic/index.html

                               Part Six

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  [[-- Quick Cast Summary --- See end of story for full details --]]
Ranma ..... Tenchi Masaki / Shayla-Shayla               Mara .... Kasumi
Akane ..... Asuka Langly Soryu                 Nanami Jinnai .... Nabiki
Genma ..... Kaji Ryoji / Pen-Pen                 Makoto Kino ...... Ukyo
Soun ...... Yosho                          Nuku-Nuku / Merle ... Shampoo
Ryoga ..... Tamahome                                  Cherry ... Cologne
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[Morning at the Tendo home.  NANAMI is picking through the wreckage of
the Dojo.  Some of it is still smouldering.  She is almost in tears.]

NANAMI:  I was so close ... so close ... I could have made a fortune ...

[Inside the house.  YOSHO, KAJI, ASUKA and TENCHI are being fed
breakfast by MARA.  They are all definitely in tears.]

MARA:  Eat up!  There's plenty more for everyone!

[TENCHI picks up the telephone and dials.]

TENCHI:  Hello?  Ucchan?  I know it's kind of early, but do you deliver
breakfast?

VOICE ON TELEPHONE:  Hello, you have reached the Goddess Help line ...

TENCHI:  Oh, _no_.

VOICE ON TELEPHONE:  All our operators are busy right now, but please
leave a message and one of our Goddesses will be with you as soon as
possible to grant your wish.  Unless of course you're involved with the
"Replacement Ranmas" project, in which case there's nothing anybody can
do to help you; you're just going to have to live with it.

[Click.  TENCHI hangs up the telephone.]

TENCHI:  ... I don't know if that was good news or bad news.

MARA:  Want some more breakfast?

TENCHI:  Now _that_ was bad news.

MARA:  Oh, you want a double helping?  Coming right up.

TENCHI:  Why me?



[Later.  It's Sunday, so there's no school.  TENCHI and ASUKA are
wandering aimlessly along the street.]

ASUKA:  We could go to Ucchan's.

TENCHI:  No, I'm afraid she might try to peel me again.

ASUKA:  She might what?

TENCHI:  Uhh ...  [Sweats]  Forget I said that.

ASUKA:  I was thinking she might have made some more chocolate cake.

TENCHI:  You know, there is such a thing as too much chocolate cake.

ASUKA:  No, there isn't.

[Suddenly TENCHI is splashed with cold water from behind.]

TENCHI:  Hey, what?

[He sighs, and hides behind a nearby tree.  SHAYLA sprints up and takes
his place.]

ASUKA:  That was weird.  Where did that water come from?

SHAYLA:  Heh, heh.  Actually, I threw it myself.

ASUKA:  You what?

SHAYLA:  Hey, I was hardly getting any screen time!  And it's all very
well for you and Tenchi, but my series isn't quite so popular, so I need
the publicity.

[They hear a scuffling noise from behind the tree.  Suspicious, SHAYLA
peeks behind it.  TENCHI is gone.]

SHAYLA:  Uh-oh.

ASUKA:  Want to bet he's gone looking for hot water?

SHAYLA:  Great.  Now I'm at war with ... with myself.

ASUKA:  You know, psychoanalysts dream of patients like you.

SHAYLA:  Oh, well, it could be worse.  [Muttering:] Alielle could be in
this story.

ASUKA:  Who might what?

SHAYLA:  Uhh ...  [Sweats]  Forget I said that.

[LUM flies overhead, shouting, "Darling!  where are you, darling?"  They
watch her for a few moments.]

SHAYLA:  I was just thinking -- Lum's been appearing in this thing
so much, maybe we should offer her a regular part.

ASUKA:  Oh?  Like who?

SHAYLA:  Um, let's see.  What female characters don't we have yet?
We've got me, you, Kasumi, Nabiki ... Shampoo, Ukyo ... umm ...

ASUKA:  Kodachi?

[They look at each other.]

BOTH:  Nahhhhh.

SHAYLA:  Who needs Armageddon?

ASUKA:  How about Nodoka?

SHAYLA:  Er.  I'm just trying to decide whether a katana would be worse
than Lum's electric shocks.  Of course, Tenchi would have to stay out of
the way when she was around --

ASUKA:  I know!  How about Akari?

SHAYLA:  Akari?  Hmm.  But she's not supposed to appear for a long time
yet.

[AZUSA runs past, chasing SHINOBU and MITSURU and shouting, "Come back
here, you mamono -- er, delinquents!"]

ASUKA:  And your point is?

SHAYLA:  ...

ASUKA:  Well?

SHAYLA:  I'm thinking, I'm _thinking_!

ASUKA:  [Sighs]  Hey, Lum!  C'mon down here!

[LUM flies down and lands.]

LUM:  Yes, t'cha?

ASUKA:  Look, as long as you're hanging around here all the time anyway,
why not join in?  There's a part open, you'd be perfect for it!

LUM:  Well, I don't know, t'cha ...



[The fanfic control room.  HIROSHI and DAISUKE are monitoring the
conversation.]

DAISUKE:  Hey, aren't we supposed to be doing the casting, not them?

HIROSHI:  Well, I thought so.

DAISUKE:  I'm going to complain to the author.  If this sort of thing
keeps on going on, people might get the idea that we're superfluous.



[The street.]

ASUKA:  Why do you keep saying "t'cha" at the end of all your
sentences, anyway?

LUM:  It's a phrase in my language.  It means, "I'm an Oni and you're
just a human and if you don't want a lightning bolt up the keister you'd
better be polite, see?"

ASUKA:  Really?

LUM:  ... No.

ASUKA:  AUGGHHH!!

SHAYLA:  Anyway, so you'll take part?

LUM:  Hmm, let me think.  T'cha, t'cha, t'cha.  What's this Akari person
like?  What would I have to do?

SHAYLA:  Let's see.  She's a pig-farmer who's in love with Ryoga.  She
raises sumo pigs.

ASUKA:  Sumo pigs.

SHAYLA:  Yes.

ASUKA:  You know, I could have stayed back in the Evangelion series, it
wasn't so bad there.

SHAYLA:  Yes it was.

ASUKA:  All right, it was.  I wonder if it's too late to transfer into
"The Replacement Slayers"?



[Somewhere a long long way away.]

NENE ROMANOVA [as LINA]:  All right, Shabranigdo!  Ready or not, here we
come!

INU-YASHA [as GOURRY]:  Feh.  This thing doesn't look so tough.  I can
take him with my Claws of -- um, with my Sword of Light!

NENE:  You idiot!  I'm the hero here, I'm the one who gets to blast him!
And it's about time I got a starring role in something.

INU-YASHA:  You, defeat that?  Don't make me laugh.  You're not even as
tough as Kagome.  AND it looks like you need to go on a diet ... AGAIN.

NENE:  Why, you ... you ...

INU-YASHA:  Actually, this Sword of Light thing is pretty good.  I
wonder if I can keep it when this is over?

SON GOKU [as ZELGADIS]:  Don't those two ever stop bickering?

KIKI [as AMELIA]:  I don't think so ...



[The street.]

ASUKA:  All right, forget that idea.  Where were we?

LUM:  Akari.

SHAYLA:  Oh, right.  That's about it, really.  You love pigs, and you
love Ryoga.  You know that Ryoga turns into P-chan, and you don't care;
you like that about him.

ASUKA:  ... Ryoga turns into P-chan?

SHAYLA:  You didn't hear that, Akane.

ASUKA:  Yes I did!

SHAYLA:  No you didn't.  I was just explaining it to Lum, so it doesn't
count.

ASUKA:  But ... but ...

SHAYLA:  Besides, P-chan hasn't even appeared yet, so how can you be mad
at him about it?  Geez.

ASUKA:  That's not the point!  You mean I'm going to have to sleep with
him and pretend I don't even notice?

LUM:  Hmm, well, it sounds like this Ryoga needs a good zakk.  I'll give
him one for you when I see him.  What's he like?

ASUKA:  Strong, not too bright ... a COMPLETE PERVERT ...

SHAYLA:  You'll take the part, then?

LUM:  Why not?  I might as well have something to do while I look for
Darling.  Anyway, I can use the money -- the pay must be really good, if
you two are taking part in a storyline this ridiculous.

[She flies off.]

SHAYLA:  ... Pay?



[An onsen, some distance away.  TAMAHOME is bathing in a hot pool.]

TAMAHOME:  [Very softly] Argh!  Where am I now?  [Normal voice] Heh,
heh, heh.  Who says I only have to get "lost" in inconvenient places?

[LUM flies up.]

LUM:  Substitute-Darling!  Is that you?

TAMAHOME:  Er, what?

LUM:  It's me, Akari!

TAMAHOME:  Er, what?

LUM:  Hmm, 'not too bright' ... it must be him.

[TAMAHOME gets out of the pool and starts backing away.]

TAMAHOME:  Now wait a minute ... nobody told me I was going to have to
have a ... a ... whatever you are, for a girlfriend!

LUM:  Tut, tut.  [She flies down to hover next to him.]  Now, Akane is
very very cross with you because apparently you're going to be a pig and
sleep with her.  That's not very nice.

TAMAHOME:  No!  You've got it all wrong!  I'm not --  I'm not -- um, did
you say I'm going to sleep with her?

LUM:  So I'm afraid I'm going to have to electrocute you a little.

TAMAHOME:  I'm going to sleep with her?  Really?

LUM:  She was right, you really _are_ a pig.  Let me just check.

[She knocks TAMAHOME into a nearby pool of (cold) water. Immediately, a
tiny creature dashes out of the nearby bushes and jumps into the pool
next to him.  At the same time, TAMAHOME puts on a false moustache and
tries to blend in with the other swimmers.]

LUM:  Such a magical transformation.  [She stares at the creature]
That's a pig?

CHU-CHU:  Chu.  Chu.

TAMAHOME:  Hah!  Bet you thought it was going to be Ryo-ohki!
[He swims off.]

LUM:  My goodness.  A Chu-chu.  I haven't seen one of those in ...
actually, I've never seen one before.  Now, what did Daddy always use to
say about these things ...?

[The screen goes wavy with a flashback effect.  LUM giggles as if she's
being tickled.  When the screen clears we see LUM talking to her father,
INVADER.]

INVADER:  ... And if you ever meet a Chu-chu, remember this:  Don't
expose them to bright light.  Don't get them wet.  Don't feed them after
midnight.  And don't zakk them.

LUM:  Really?

INVADER:  ... No.

LUM:  AUGGHHH!!

[She flies off.]

INVADER:  ... Except for the zakking part.  REALLY don't do that.

[The screen goes wavy again, and we are returned to the onsen.]

LUM:  Okay, that's all right then.  Now, Ryoga ...

CHU-CHU:  Chu?

LUM:  For your offences against Akane (which, all right, you haven't
actually done yet) ... Divine Retribution!

[She zaps CHU-CHU, who shows absolutely no reaction to the lightning
bolt.  Startled, she zaps it again.  Still no reaction.  For a few
moments, she simply stares.  Then CHU-CHU begins to glow.]

LUM:  Um ... oops?

[Suddenly CHU-CHU begins to expand.  It gets bigger ... and bigger ...
and bigger.  After a few seconds, the rapid growth stops.  CHU-CHU is
now over two hundred feet tall.  It no longer looks cute and cuddly.  In
fact it looks distinctly surly.]

CHU-CHU:  CHU!!!  CHU!!!  **CHHUUU!!!**

LUM:  Oops.

[She flies for it.  CHU-CHU stalks after her, smashing straight through
any houses, shops or office blocks that are in its way.  Occasionally it
picks up a house and eats it, throwing the stray rubble after LUM.]

LUM:  I wonder if there's any danger money for this job?



[Back on the street.  SHAYLA and ASUKA are watching LUM disappear into
the distance.]

SHAYLA:  Do you really think she'll work out as Akari?

ASUKA:  Who cares?  ZAP HIM GOOD, LUM!

SHAYLA:  Oh, well.  At least she can't be any worse than Mara.

ASUKA:  Kasumi.

SHAYLA:  Whatever.  I'm just saying that --

[Suddenly she is hit by a splash of hot water, which appears to come
from nowhere.  Cursing, she runs off, to be replaced, moments later, by
TENCHI.]

TENCHI:  Heh, heh.

ASUKA:  Boy, I can't _imagine_ where that hot water came from.

TENCHI:  My lips are sealed.

ASUKA:  So, anyway, about Akari ...

TENCHI:  Akari?

ASUKA:  Geez, don't you keep up on what's happening while you're away?
Lum decided to be Akari.  She's gone to zap Ryoga for me.  I can't
_believe_ you never told me Ryoga is P-chan.

TENCHI:  Hey, how did you find out about that?

ASUKA:  Never you mind.  How come he turns into a pig, anyway?

TENCHI:  Well, it was like this ...

[Ripple effect.  We see the legendary springs of Jusenkyo.  Standing in
the foreground is a burly, tough-looking man in drab brown clothing.]

BATOU:  Uh-uh.  Forget it.  I did one of these flashbacks back in the
first episode and that was enough.

[End flashback.  TENCHI and ASUKA look startled.]

TENCHI:  Uhh, well, it was a long story, anyway.

ASUKA:  Ooooookay.  So if he --

[Suddenly there is a splash of cold water.  TENCHI curses, and runs off.
SHAYLA replaces him.]

ASUKA:  You know, this is only going to lead to trouble.

SHAYLA:  Heh, heh.  Don't worry about it.  It'll take him a while to
track down some more hot water.

TENCHI [off]:  Wanna bet?

[They look around.  TENCHI is standing behind them, armed with a Super
Soaker and an oxy-acetylene torch.  He is aiming the Soaker through the
flame, and looks set to deliver unlimited hot water.]

SHAYLA:  Now, wait ... there's no need to get carried away ...

[TENCHI fires.  SHAYLA manages to dodge.  She ducks behind a nearby
garden fence.]

TENCHI:  Come on out!

SHAYLA:  You got it!

[She stands up, and they see that she is now armed with a garden hose,
which she points at TENCHI.  They stare at each other.  Stand-off.]

ASUKA:  Maybe you two can come to some kind of arrangement?

TENCHI and SHAYLA:  I don't think so.

VOICE:  OHOHOHOHO!

ASUKA:  What?

TENCHI:  Oh, no.

VOICE:  My darling Ranma-sama!  At last I've found you!

[Suddenly a new figure leaps down from a nearby rooftop, landing between
the three.  She may be waving a ribbon haphazardly, and she may be
wearing slightly more than usual, but it is still unmistakably NAGA.]

TENCHI:  Ko-- Kodachi?

NAGA:  OHOHOHOHOHOHO!  Oh, Ranma-sama, how I have searched for you!
Ever since that afternoon when I first knew your burning kisses, I have
longed to see you once more!  OHOHOHOHOHO!  You know, I don't feel
unnatural in this part at all.

TENCHI:  Imagine that.

NAGA:  So who're the red-heads with the small chests?

ASUKA and SHAYLA:  Excuse me?

NAGA:  Oh, neither of you is Lina.  Whoops.  Still, compared to me
everyone has a small chest ... OHOHOHOHOHO!

SHAYLA [mutters]:  If she does that laugh one more time I'm going to
kill her with my bare hands.

NAGA:  I don't know, though ... I don't think this leotard is skimpy
enough.

ASUKA [mutters]:  I didn't know it was possible to stretch fabric that
far.

[TENCHI stifles a nose-bleed.]

SHAYLA:  So what was that about burning kisses?  When did _that_ happen?

NAGA:  Back in episode four ... some foolish girl hit him, and he came
crashing down into my furo while I was having a bath.  Naturally I was
delighted that he chose to ... drop in, and I insisted on making the
occasion memorable.  OHOHOHOHO!

ASUKA:  No wonder you were so wiped out when you got home!

TENCHI:  No!  It wasn't like that!  Honest!

[A quick rose-tinted flash of TENCHI lying helpless on the bathroom
floor, paralysed, as NAGA ... makes the occasion memorable.]

ASUKA:  Why, you two timer!  No, you four-timer!

NAGA:  OHOHOHOHOHO!

SHAYLA and TENCHI:  SHUT UP!

[SHAYLA and TENCHI open fire on NAGA with their respective water
weapons.  In a matter of moments she is soaked.]

NAGA:  Oh, Ranma-sama!  How sweet!  You want to see me all wet ... and
glistening ... and, my goodness, this leotard goes almost completely
transparent when you get it wet, imagine that ...

[TENCHI passes out.]

NAGA:  Oh, you want to do it again!  Just like last time!

[She pounces on him and starts to ... make the occasion memorable once
more.  Further deponent sayeth not.]

ASUKA:  [Grabs SHAYLA's arm]  Quick, let's get out of here, while she's
occupied.

SHAYLA:  Uhhh.  Right.  [They run off.]  Wow, I've got to remember that,
did you see what she was doing to his --

ASUKA:  Augh!  Ecchi!  You really are a pervert --

SHAYLA:  What, you mean you can't think of any guys you'd like to do
that to?

[ASUKA goes starry-eyed.]

ASUKA:  Oh, Genma-sama ...

SHAYLA:  Euggh!  And you call me ecchi.

ASUKA:  [Snaps out of it]  Right, sorry.  Quick!  In here, before either
of them sees where we've gone.

[She pulls SHAYLA through the door of a nearby skating rink.]

SHAYLA:  Thanks.  That was close.

ASUKA:  Yeah.  I never realised just how annoying a laugh could be.

NANAMI:  Perfect.

ASUKA:  You've got to be kidding.  [She does a double take.]  Hey, where
did you come from?

NANAMI:  Shh, don't distract me.  Oh, this is perfect.

[We see that NANAMI is peering around the corner at NAGA and TENCHI.  She
has a camera and she is taking shot after shot.]

SHAYLA:  Nabiki ...

NANAMI:  Shh, I said.  Oh, wow, look at that.  [She takes a burst of
pictures.]  These are going to make me rich.

SHAYLA:  NABIKI!

NANAMI:  Er, what?  [She looks around.]  Hey, did you know you're
glowing?

SHAYLA:  ARGGH!  YOU'RE SELLING ME OUT!

NANAMI:  Err ... no?  No!  Not you, the ... the other Ranma.

SHAYLA:  ARGGH!  HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!

NANAMI:  Ranma... um, Ranma?  Shayla, this is no time to start acting
in character ...

[SHAYLA starts powering up her Lamps.]

NANAMI:  This is no time to start acting _out_ of character ... eep.

[SHAYLA fires off a shot at her.  She ducks frantically.  The shot hits
the rink and shatters the ice.]

ASUKA:  Boy, the management aren't going to be happy about that.

VOICE:  Nor are we!

SHAYLA:  Who --?

[A new pair, male and female, have approached.  They are dressed all in
white, with large red 'G's on their chests.]

HE:  How dare you treat this rink with so little respect!

SHE:  This cannot be tolerated!

SHAYLA:  Oh, yeah?  And what are you going to do about it?

[They laugh.]

SHE:  Prepare for trouble!

HE:   Make it double!

ASUKA:  Oh, no.  Give me strength.

JESSIE:  To protect the rink from devastation!

JAMES:   To unite all skaters within our nation!

JESSIE:  To denounce the evils of truth and love!

JAMES:   To extend our reach to the stars above!

JESSIE:  Azusa!

JAMES:   Mikado!

JESSIE:  Golden Pair!  Blast off, at a fantastic rate!

JAMES:   Surrender now, or prepare to skate!

[A little cat-like puppet pops up on JESSIE's shoulder, a la Washu.]

PUPPET:  Meow!  That's right!

ASUKA:   I may throw up.

SHAYLA:  [Rolls her eyes] So if I have this right, you're challenging me
to a skating match?

JAMES:  Of course.

JESSIE [whispering]:  James, you do know how to skate, don't you?

JAMES [whispering]:  Don't be silly!  Er, how hard can it be?

JESSIE [whispering]:  You idiot!

JAMES [whispering]:  Don't worry!  After all, we're Team Golden Rocket
Pair Gang ... thing ... and with a name like that, how can we fail?

SHAYLA [whispering]:  I'm sure you'll find a way.

JESSIE:  What!  How dare you eavesdrop on a private whisper!  For that,
you shall pay!  Er, how much did you hear?

SHAYLA:  Wouldn't you like to know?

ASUKA [impatiently]:  C'mon, let's skate.

[They put on their skates and head out onto the rink.  They have it to
themselves, since all the other skaters fled when SHAYLA zapped it.
ASUKA and JESSIE can both skate.  SHAYLA and JAMES both take one step
onto the ice and fall flat on their faces.]

SHAYLA:  Ow.

JAMES:  Ow.

ASUKA and JESSIE:  You morons!

[They help their partners up.  Before long, both pairs are skating round
and round the hole in the ice, with SHAYLA frantically holding onto
ASUKA and JAMES clinging to JESSIE.]

JESSIE:  Now, let's fight!

JAMES [nervously]:  Er, are you sure we have to?

ASUKA:  Go on, use those Lamp things of yours and zap them!

SHAYLA [nervously]:  I can't, stupid!  I can't let go!

[They continue to skate ... around and around and around.  NANAMI
watches from the sidelines.]

NANAMI [dry]:  The duel of the century.

[Suddenly she hears footsteps from behind.  She turns, to see NAGA and
AOSHIMA coming in.]

NAGA:  ... told you I saw her come in here, brother dear.

AOSHIMA:  Ah!  Nabiki Tendo.  I must speak with you.

NANAMI:  Oh, great.

AOSHIMA:  In truth, it is hard for the noble Blue Thunder to humble
himself so ...  [He suddenly breaks down and kneels before NANAMI,
clutching her hand.]  Please, please, please!  You've got to protect me
from your elder sister!  I'll do anything!  Anything!

[NANAMI looks up, dazed.  She has a stunned smile.]

NANAMI:  "Shall I compare thee to a golden windfall?  Thou art more
brainless and more profitable ..."

NAGA:  Right, well, while you bleed him dry I must get back to my
Ranma-sama.  Excuse me ...

[She turns to go, but comes face-to-face with MARA.]

NAGA:  Oho!  A demon!

MARA:  Don't be silly, I'm Akane's older sister.  [She waves to
AOSHIMA.]  Yoo-hoo, Tate-chan!  Over here!

AOHSIMA:  No!  No!  Arghh!  [He flees out onto the ice, skidding madly.]

NANAMI:  Hey, come back!  I'm not finished with you!  [She follows him.]

MARA:  Tate-honey!  Your mistress wants a word with you!  [She too
follows.]

[NAGA watches them all skidding around the rink for a few moments.]

NAGA:  Oh, what the hell.  It's been ages since I had a decent fight.

[She heads out onto the ice.  Moments later she too is skidding around
madly.  ASUKA and JESSIE are the only two who have any control at all.]

ASUKA [shaking SHAYLA loose]:  Right!  Come on and fight!

JESSIE [shaking JAMES loose]:  Right with ya!

SHAYLA:  Ahhhh!

JAMES:  Mommy!

MARA:  Nabiki!  You leave my Tate-chan alone!  I haven't finished
disciplining him yet!

AOSHIMA!  Auggh!  Save me!

NANAMI:  Boy, I hope she and Fatora never meet.

[MARA fires a spell off.  It hits the ice right in front of NANAMI and
melts a large hole.  NANAMI falls in with a splash.]

MARA:  Ha ha ha!  Oops.

[Before she can stop herself MARA skids straight into the hole too.]

MARA and NANAMI [to each other]:  Here's another fine mess you've gotten
me into!

[Meanwhile SHAYLA is heading backwards, windmilling her arms and trying
to keep her balance.  Her face is green.  She sees NAGA.]

SHAYLA:  You!  This is all your fault!

[She powers up her Lamps and fires off a wild shot.  It hits AOSHIMA,
who yelps and lurches into ASUKA just as she is about to launch a blow
at JESSIE.  ASUKA is sent tumbling and AOSHIMA lands on top of JESSIE.
JESSIE stares at his face, wide-eyed.]

JESSIE:  Oh ... oh my.

[JAMES skids around madly, and crashes straight into NAGA, coming
face-to-face with two of her prominent ... aspects.]

JAMES:  Oh ... oh my.

[SHAYLA is still hurtling backwards.  Just before she rams straight into
a wall, ASUKA wheels around and catched her.  They look around the rink.
NANAMI and MARA are floating in a pool of water, shouting at each other.
JAMES is lying on top of NAGA, staring at her, transfixed.  AOSHIMA is
lying on top of JESSIE, who is staring at him, transfixed.]

SHAYLA:  I ... I guess we won.  Sort of.

ASUKA:  Well, I suppose --

[Suddenly the roof bursts open, and a vast, furry foot comes down,
smashing the ice and sending everyone flying.]

CHU-CHU:  **CHHUUU!!**  **CHHUUU!!**

[They stare up at CHU-CHU, who has a struggling LUM in one hand.]

SHAYLA:  Boy, you're gonna have a hard time taking _that_ to bed, Akane.

ASUKA:  Why, you ...!

[She stalks out, and SHAYLA follows her, snickering.  Cut to JAMES and
NAGA.]

JAMES:  You're ... you're gorgeous.

NAGA:  Well, of course.  Would you mind getting off me, before I turn
you into a small, slimy worm?

JAMES [getting off her]:  Anything!  I would happily be your small,
slimy worm!

[NAGA studies him.]

NAGA:  Hmm.  Do something for me.

JAMES:  Anything.

NAGA:  Sign this document.

JAMES:  [Reading:] "I hereby attest that Naga the Serpent is a vastly
superior sorceress to Lina Inverse, and I would be happy to tell Lina
this to her face."  Oh ... okay.  [He signs it.]

NAGA [smirking]:  You'll do.

[She throws JAMES over her shoulder and stalks out.]

JAMES:  I'm in heaven.

[Cut to JESSIE and AOSHIMA.]

JESSIE:  You're ... you're gorgeous.

AOSHIMA:  Well, of course.

JESSIE:  Come with me.  Let's get out of this stupid fanfic.

AOSHIMA:  Go with _you_?  Why would I want to do that?

JESSIE:  How does the prospect of going around beating up small cute
animals, locking them up in tiny balls, and training them to fight other
small cute animals strike you?

AOSHIMA:  Hmm.  It is appealing, I must admit.

JESSIE:  Besides, it gets you away from Mara.

AOSHIMA:  Let's go ... partner.

[He throws an arm around her shoulders and they march out.]

JESSIE:  I'm in heaven.

[Cut to MARA and NANAMI.]

MARA:  I think I'm gonna be sick.

NANAMI:  You and me both, oneesan.

[They stagger out of the rink.  As they leave, far off in the background
we can see CHU-CHU, with LUM still in its hand, climbing the Tokyo
Tower.]



[Back at the Tendo home.  TENCHI has a silly smile on his face.
NUKU-NUKU is trying to cling to him.  ASUKA is keeping her at bay,
looking grumpy.  NANAMI and MARA are huddled around a hibachi, covered
with blankets.  YOSHO and KAJI are sitting at the shogi board.]

YOSHO:  Well, at least it's over with.

KAJI:  After all, what else can go wrong now?

[Everyone stares at him.]

KAJI:  Am I going to regret saying that?

[There is a sudden knock at the door.  ASUKA goes to answer it.]

ASUKA:  Why, it's Ranma's mother!

[TENCHI's and KAJI's eyes bug out.  They look around the room for cold
water, but can't see any.  They try, not very successfully, to hide behind
MARA and NANAMI.]

MARA:  Ack!  Get away from me.  [She sneezes.]

NANAMI:  Euggh.  Keep your distance, hentai.  [She sneezes.]

ASUKA:  Won't you come in, Mrs Saotome?

VOICE [from outside]:  No.

ASUKA:  Er, what?

VOICE:  I am _not_ doing this.

ASUKA:  You're ... you're not?

[Our point-of-view pans around until we can see the woman on the
doorstep.  She is wearing a very badly-fitting kimono.  She is holding a
wrapped bundle in one arm, and a large, ornate staff in the other.  She
looks very, very annoyed.]

SETSUNA MEIOU:  If you think for one moment that I'm getting involved in
this crazy story, you have another think coming.

ASUKA:  But --

SETSUNA:  Forget it.  I'm off, before anything stupid happens to get me
sucked into this --

YOSHO:  Oh, no you don't.

SETSUNA:  What?

YOSHO:  If _I_ have to take part in this, so do _you_.  Right,
everybody, GET HER!

SETSUNA:  Ack!  No --!

[Everybody jumps on her at once.  The screen fades to black.]



[Fade in.  The Tendo living room, as before.  SETSUNA is lying on the
floor, bound and gagged.  Her Time Staff is standing in the corner.]

TENCHI:  How are we going to do this if she won't cooperate?

SETSUNA:  Mm mmmm mmm mmmmmm!

ASUKA:  I know!  We can get Shampoo to use the Xi Fa Xiang Gao shiatsu
technique to erase her memories!

YOSHO:  The real Shampoo could do it.  But does Nuku-nuku know that
technique?

NUKU-NUKU:  Er ... Shnuku-nuku is willing to give it a go ...

SETSUNA:  Mmm mm?  Mm!  NMMM!  MMM NNNNN NNNMNMNMN!

[Splash.  Fade out.]



[Ucchan's.  MAKOTO pauses in the middle of making another okonomiyaki.]

MAKOTO:  Brr.  Suddenly, I have a strange feeling of dread.



[The Tendo dojo.  SETSUNA has been untied.  She is standing up, looking
dazed.  Her hair appears damp.]

TENCHI:  Okay.  So that didn't quite work.

NUKU-NUKU:  Shnuku-nuku is very, very, very sorry.

SETSUNA:  Miya.

ASUKA:  So what do we do now?

SETSUNA:  Miya.

YOSHO:  Somebody get her a carrot.


[END OF PART SIX]


[Closing theme: "Fly Me to the Moon" (thrash version) performed by a
choir of pokemon.]


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STARRING:

Ranma Saotome . . . . . Tenchi Masaki  ("Tenchi Muyo")
             . . . . . Shayla-Shayla  ("El-Hazard")
Akane Tendo . . . . . . Asuka Langley Soryu  ("Neon Genesis Evangelion")

CO-STARRING:

Soun Tendo  . . . . . . Yosho  ("Tenchi Muyo")
Kasumi Tendo  . . . . . Mara  ("Oh My Goddess!")
Nabiki Tendo  . . . . . Nanami Jinnai  ("El-Hazard")
Genma Saotome . . . . . Kaji Ryoji  ("Neon Genesis Evangelion")
             . . . . . Pen-Pen  ("Neon Genesis Evangelion")
Ryoga Hibiki  . . . . . Tamahome  ("Fushigi Yugi")
             . . . . . Chu-chu  ("Revolutionary Girl Utena")
Tatewaki Kuno . . . . . Toshiyuki Aoshima  ("Oh My Goddess!")
Shampoo . . . . . . . . Nuku-Nuku  ("All-Purpose Cultural Catgirl
                                   Nuku-Nuku")
             . . . . . Merle  ("The Vision of Escaflowne")
Cologne . . . . . . . . Cherry  ("Urusei Yatsura")
Ukyo Kuonji . . . . . . Makoto Kino  ("Sailor Moon")
Happosai  . . . . . . . Ataru Moroboshi  ("Urusei Yatsura")
Mousse  . . . . . . . . Gourry Gabriev  ("The Slayers")

ALSO APPEARING:

Jusenkyo Guide  . . . . Batou  ("Ghost in the Shell")
Tofu Ono  . . . . . . . Ken Nakajima  ("You're Under Arrest!")
Hinako Ninomiya . . . . Azusa Kanzaki  ("Devil Hunter Yohko")
Daisuke . . . . . . . . Shinobu Tezuka  ("Here is Greenwood")
Hiroshi . . . . . . . . Mitsuru Ikeda  ("Here is Greenwood")
Sayuri  . . . . . . . . Kagome Higurashi  ("Inu-Yasha")
Yuka  . . . . . . . . . Noa Izumi  ("Mobile Police Patlabor")
Akari Unryu . . . . . . Lum  ("Urusei Yatsura")
Kodachi Kuno  . . . . . Naga  ("The Slayers")
Mikado Sanzenin . . . . James [Kojiro]  ("Pokemon")
Azusa Shiratori . . . . Jessie [Musashi]  ("Pokemon")
Nodoka Saotome  . . . . Setsuna Meiou  ("Sailor Moon")

GUEST STARRING:

Lina Inverse  . . . . . Nene Romanova  ("Bubblegum Crisis")
Gourry Gabriev  . . . . Inu-Yasha  ("Inu-Yasha")
Zelgadis  . . . . . . . Son Goku  ("Dragon Ball Z")
Amelia  . . . . . . . . Kiki  ("Kiki's Delivery Service")

Disclaimer: All characters are copyright and appear without permission
                of their respective copyright-holders.
Attempts to read this fanfic while swimming in lava may lead to injury.

------------------------------------------------------------------------