Subject: [FFML] [C&C] Collected Comments
From: David Johnston
Date: 5/28/2000, 4:20 AM
To: ffml@fanfic.com

Subject: 
        [FFML] [fanfic][Fushigi Yuugi] Renaissance 1- The Players in 
Position 
  Date: 
        Fri, 19 May 2000 17:30:43 EDT 
  From: 
        "Lady Quicksilver" <mbsilvana@hotmail.com>

Description:  Young emperor decides to wander into town,
and seishi...whatever those are, get premonitions of danger. 

Comments:  Quote marks from the original don't translate
into my Ascii.

       Satei laughed.   That�s not your name.   No one has the nerve to name
their child after one of the Seishi- it�s too presumptuous.�

Hm.  Unusual, that.  

      �Did I say it was my name?� Nuriko asked, offended.   �But I have more
right to claim it then most,� he continued, though he didn�t elaborate.  �I

"than most"

        �Thanks,� Nuriko said with a grin.   �If you�re ever in town, 
I�ll look you
up and treat you to tea as a way of saying thank you.�

"as a way of thanking you"

      Chichiri looked at the house the lay snuggled in the crook of the mountain,
smiling to himself- a real smile beneath the mask he still wore.  Whistling

"that lay"

Remember all those stories your Kaasan used to read to us about princes
sneaking off into the cities in disguise?�

Gee, what a wonderful idea.  Reading stories to princes
about princes sneaking off unprotected.  Pity she didn't
include the ones where evil uncles use the opportunity 
to assassinate them.  

This is an interesting story, and not so opaque that my
lack of knowledge of FY hampered me.  But when does the
bear show up?

Subject: 
        [FFML] [Tenchi/Ranma][Rewrite/Repost] Ryoko Saotome [1] 
  Date: 
        Thu, 18 May 2000 23:05:39 -0700 (PDT) 
  From: 
        Thryth <thrythlind@yahoo.com>

Description:  Mutually bereaved Ranma and Ryoko accidentally
marry each other.

Comments:  The misunderstanding that marries them is a first
rate idea.  I'm skeptical about whether Tofu actually 
would dare try pressure points on an alien, but it's 
necessary for the plot so...

  "NANI!!?" Ranma and Ryoko looked up at the sign
above the counter.  "MARRIAGE CERTIFACATES!?!"

"certificates"

I rather think that Ranma would dodge rather than block
when faced with someone using a unfamiliar chi attack.  

"And I rememebered saying something like that to
Ukyou."

"remembered"

 "This seems to be a fortunate meeting then," Kasumi
said.  "You won't be able to anull this wedding for
another week, correct?"
  "Again, Yeah, so?"

Delete "Again,"

old."  She turned to face the serenly smiling visage
of a young woman maybe twenty-three years old.

"serenely"

You know, she could probably hurt herself more easily by
trying to punch someone out than by using a zap. 

Desecrate Akane's grave?  What does Kuno want to do, 
move the body into the Kuno crypt? 

Subject: 
            [FFML] [Fanfic][Sonic] A Rogue's Burden 
       Date:      Thu, 18 May 2000 20:43:36 -0700 
       From: 
            Adrian Tymes <wingcat@pacbell.net>

Description:  Princess Sally gets kidnapped.

Comments:

The Great Forest had been named for its two most significant features.  It was
of great size, and it 

...was a forest.

These stories probably should be collected into a larger
body of work since they are more like chapters than 
standalone works.

Subject: 
        [FFML] [teaser] [Kamikaze Kaitou Jeannne/Ranma] Balancing Act 
  Date: 
        Thu, 18 May 2000 19:57:05 EDT 
  From: 
        "Lady Quicksilver" <mbsilvana@hotmail.com>

Description:  Jeanne's secret I.D. is challenged to a
martial gymnastics match versus Kodachi.

Comments:  She goes to Furinkan?  The only thing you have
to do with series like this is make sure the audience knows
what is what with the unknown series.  Of course, there 
are probably a lot of artworks in the Kunou mansion.  
Could explain some things. 

Subject: 
        [FFML] [Fanfic][Xover] Apotheosis 3: Nighthawks at the Diner 
  Date: 
        Thu, 18 May 2000 10:38:14 -0500 (CDT) 
  From: 
        rcarson@rcarson.com

Description:  Happosai, Cologne and Setsuna talk about a
an enormous amount of mutual history.

Comments:  Anyway you can work in my theory that "Doc Savage"
was really Patricia Savage with a Jusenkyo curse?
I have to wonder about Cologne's killing of all the old
tribal elders.  What if only one of them murdered her 
husband?  

Subject: 
        [FFML] [Ranma 1/2] [Revised] [Fruition, Chapter 3] 
  Date: 
        Thu, 18 May 2000 08:59:15 -0700 (PDT) 
  From: 
        "B. Na" <gnbean@u.washington.edu>

Description:  Kasumi and Akane refuse to talk honestly
to each other.  

Comments:

      Akane looked at her sister, her brow creased
in worry.  *Will she be okay?  Oneesama never drops
antyhing--she's usually so careful. . .* 
"anything"

       Akane studied her sister's features for a few
minutes.  *She looks a little pale still. . .but she
said her was feeling all right. . .  I suppose she

"she was"

       "Nabiki oneechan?"

Why is she referring to Nabiki that way?  

Subject: 
        [FFML] [Robotech] FOX Squadron - Episode 2 - Pink 
  Date: 
        Wed, 17 May 2000 22:04:13 
  From: 
        "G.L. Sandborn" <sandborn@microlink.net>

Description:  The commander balks at getting frontline
female pilots.

Comments:  Samantha Fox?  No, wait, the one I was thinking
of was a blonde.  If you need hours to qualify as a rookie
what comes before rookie?

Subject: 
         [FFML] [Devilman/EVA]Dema-fa chapter 08 
    Date: 
         Thu, 25 May 2000 23:59:59 -0400 
    From: 
         Disruptor <mathews1@gte.net>

Description:  Misato discovers that Dema-fa is older
than he looks.

Comments:  Why does Gendo have a problem believing that
the superman is older than he looks?  I don't see the 
problem.  Compared to what he can do, who he is, is trival.
Incidentally, clones would not have the same 
fingerprints as their original since fingerprints aren't 
genetic.  

      "Not about him, exactly.  It's about his parents.  They led the Fudo
expedition that my father's crew was sent to find.  I find it kind of
odd at the time between the two expeditions."

That last sentence doesn't make sense.

Subject: 
        [FFML] [eva][elseworlds] The Gods Within Part 3 
  Date: 
        Thu, 25 May 2000 23:34:53 +0800 
  From: 
        Scriviner <ebon@i-manila.com.ph>

Description:  Superman and the Flash fight Godzilla.
Shinji finds out what pain feels like.  

Comments:

       The Financial Section Chief of NERV US gaped at her
for a moment as he realized what she was wearing. Very
little. He gulped nervously and fidgeted. He was an

Is everyone in NERV US nervous?

Alternate universe to be sure, but let's face it, if it
wasn't for the off-the-rack Angel, there would be no 
connection to Evangelion.  Not that this is necessarily
a _bad_ thing.  


Subject: 
        [FFML] [spam/fic idea/Teaser/whatever]Chaos doubled 
  Date: 
        Thu, 25 May 2000 21:54:23 +0300 (EET DST) 
  From: 
        Esa Ruuska <eruuska@ratol.fi>

Description:  Ranma recast.

Comments:  Having a Genma substitute who honestly likes 
torturing his child and caring for him at the same time 
is a good idea.  However, shouldn't Lina be asking _what_
the mother was?

Subject: 
        [FFML] [fanfic][GW] Shinji, chapter 2: Paranoia + trailer 
  Date: 
        Thu, 25 May 2000 19:35:58 GMT 
  From: 
        "Gray Warlock" <hikaru_no_kurai@hotmail.com>

Description:  Duo is living with a woman while trying to
conceal his inability to sleep from her.

Comments:  Whatever game the author is playing with the
incomprehensible title is annoying.  Apart from that, this
fic looks very character-driven.  I hope a plot appears.

Subject: 
        [FFML] [fic] [El Hazard] "the fall of a bird" 
  Date: 
        Wed, 24 May 2000 18:24:19 +0100 
  From: 
        "Ryoko" <kathy@linuxgrrls.org>

Description:  Character study of Rune.

Comments:  It wouldn't work reliably.  A person's reaction
to that kind of stimulus is too unpredictable.  

Subject: 
        [FFML] [impro] mtcff ULTRA #45: Lots Of People Hurting Each 
Other 
  Date: 
        Thu, 25 May 2000 18:04:55 -0700 (PDT) 
  From: 
        twoflowr@maison-otaku.net (Twoflower)

Description:  Nabiki continues to fiddle with the matches
and Team Rocket and Team Pokemon switch sides.

Comments:  Ash's insanity is just a little too reminiscent
of Ranma's insanity.  I think it would have worked better
if Meowth had manipulated him into his present confused
state of mind.  So why is Nabiki trying to rig matches?
So she can anticipate the flow of merchandise demand?
Exactly how does Tarou think he can muscle Omega fighters?  
Is he delusory?  

Subject: 
        [FFML] [FFML][Robotech] Impetus Prologue 
  Date: 
        Wed, 24 May 2000 08:35:03 -0400 
  From: 
        "Presley H. Cannady" <revprez@MIT.EDU>

Description:  People discuss the strategic situation.

Comments:  Fails to draw the reader in.  This exposition,
while not badly written, ought to have been placed later 
on in the story.  Something more personal, or more violent
would make a more effect beginning.

Subject: 
        [FFML] [Ranma][fanfic] Ryoga's Quest, Chapter One 
  Date: 
        Tue, 23 May 2000 21:09:09 -0400 
  From: 
        "Talon Karrde" <Karrde@death-star.com>

Description:  Ryoga thinks about how perfect his life is,
so something spoils it.  

Comments:  

Somehow, the boy had learned a speed technique of nearly equal magnitude to the
Katchu Tenshin Amaguriken that had marked the beginning of Ranma's surpassal of
Ryoga's skill.  Sparring with the boy - Taren was his name - Ryoga found himself

Nonsense.  When Ranma and Ryoga first knew each other
Ranma easily surpassed Ryoga.  

  Not caring in his state of dress, Ryoga shattered the door to the bathroom
with a Bakusai Tenketsu, not daring to pause long enough to turn the handle.

That's a misuse of the technique.  Why not just smash through
the door?  It's just as quick, and doesn't spray the 
room with an explosion of splinters that could hurt Akari.  
"about his state"

   It hissed at him, and he saw for the first time that it had not teeth in the
traditional sence, but instead a three deep line of solid razors.  This was a

"sense"

Incidentally, you haven't given the creature time enough
to seriously decorate the bathroom.  There should be a
single spray of blood splattering the wall and a growing
pool on the floor.  What?  Me?  Callous?

Subject: 
        [FFML] [Utena][Fanfic] Season of the Comet 
  Date: 
        Tue, 23 May 2000 18:59:25 EDT 
  From: 
        UkyouKwnji@aol.com

Description:  Brief allegory that I don't quite get.  

Comments:  If you look through a telescope, the Pleides have
far more than seven stars.  

Subject: 
        [FFML] [Ranma][Fanfic] fic 2 of 2: Emerald Ranma (This is much 
longer than the
        first) 
  Date: 
        Tue, 23 May 2000 04:03:09 -0400 
  From: 
        "Jeremy Fogelman" <jemhf@wam.umd.edu>

Description:  Um...something about multiple universes and
something evil that corrupts people and stuff.

Comments:  Not line-wrapped and therefore very difficult
to read.  What little I got looked fragmentary.




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