Okay, things in my life have settled down somewhat,
and I can get back to writing. Here's the second draft
of Pagliacci chapter 5, and it's much longer than the
first draft I published about a month ago. It's still
unfinished, but I hope you enjoy it, and are willing
to comment on it.
Ed Becerra
10:43 PM 5/29/2000
Ranma 1/2 characters and situations are copyright 1987, 1999 by
Takahashi Rumiko. Publishing rights (Japan) by Shogakukan Inc.
Publishing rights (North America) by Viz Inc. This work is not
intended to infringe those rights.
***************************************************************
Pagliacci - A story of the world of Ranma 1/2
Chapter 5
***************************************************************
Irwin Schwab had trouble dealing with linear logic.
At least, that was the polite way of saying it. A somewhat
more blunt person would describe Irwin as a candidate for permanent
sedation and confinement.
Then again, Irwin himself went around telling people that he'd
been raised by a television set.
Not that his parents had used one to babysit him, mind you. That
his parent _WAS_ a television set. If anything, that sort of defines
just how far out Master Schwab's mind was.
Anyway...
Irwin was happy. It had been MONTHS since the last time he'd had
a chance to be a sidekick to the Man of Steel. (The Man of Steel had
thought of him as something other than a sidekick, but the words
Kal-El _wanted_ to use were, for the most part, the sort that would
have caused Mrs. Kent to wash his mouth out with soap.)
Now that WONDERFUL person, Sideshow Bob, had found him another
hero he could be a sidekick to! Oh, Glorious DAY!
He started to pack a small suitcase, then stopped. If he could
teleport to Japan (and he could), then he could teleport BACK just
as easily. Hey, Japan could be a daily _commute_! PERFECT! He didn't
even have to move out of his apartment!
There was a soft *pop* of displaced air, and Irwin Schwab
vanished. About thirty minutes later, in a similar *pop*, he
re-appeared, a confused look on his face.
"What's a passport?"
* * *
The ancient and honorable job of sidewalk superintendent
is pretty much a universal one, known to all mankind. The urge to
stop and stare at a building being constructed, demolished,
or renovated rests deep within the breast of every human on earth.
The Japanese are simply more POLITE about it than most.
However, the building being renovated on Nerima's Ginza was
different. Even for Nerima.
"Martial Arts Construction, you think?"
"Don't be silly. There's no such thing."
"You practice Tea Ceremony martial arts.."
"That's.. well, that's different."
"I don't know what it is, but he's pretty good with those
shuriken."
"I think those are nails."
"I've heard of breaking bricks with your bare hands, but welding
them back _together_?"
"Do you think he'd take students?"
A young man in a leather jacket cruised by on a cheap
motorcycle, then returned for a closer look.
"Hey, there, ya old man! What are you, some kinda fool? Think
you can rebuild that old place all by yoursel..*Urk*"
A few bystanders blinked. One whistled softly.
"Wow. I've _heard_ gaijin say 'stick a brick in it', but I never
thought I'd ever actually see.."
"Yeah. He even used mortar. That's got to hurt."
"Shouldn't someone call him a doctor?"
"Or a dentist?"
"I dunno. Don't you think calling a bricklayer would be more
appropriate?"
* * *
Seamus grinned and wiped the sweat from his brow, staring at the
repairs he'd just finished. Lilac came outside and joined him.
"Not bad for an old man, eh, Lilac?"
"Old man my ass, Seamus. You're younger than I am."
The American laughed. "That's not saying much, given that we're
both older than dirt."
Lilac gave him a nasty look, then burst out laughing herself.
"True enough." She waved a cell-phone at him. "The public utilities
people will be here shortly to get the gas, power and water turned
on. You ready for them?"
"Was there ever any doubt?" smirked Seamus.
"Only as to the size of your ego, old man," giggled Lilac.
"That reminds me. Where are the kids?"
"I sent Rin and Ran over to the Cat Cafe. I've got a feeling
that the girls the Council and I sent after that boy will likely
show up there, sooner or later. When they do, I want them here."
Seamus raised an eyebrow. "Do I want to know? More important,
do I _need_ to know?"
Lilac frowned slightly. "It's bad enough with three young
Amazons running around Nerima, even with Cologne and I keeping them
under our thumbs, so to speak. A dozen more, with no Elder to ride
herd on them? Think it through for yourself, Seamus."
"Nope. No way. I still remember what happened when that husband
hunting party of yours ran into the Flying Tigers. Wasn't pretty."
Seamus shook his head. "The sooner you get them under control,
the better. In fact, now that you mention it, I have this sinking
feeling that trouble's going to be following them to our doorstep."
"So what else is new?" snorted the Amazon Elder. "And I'll be
needing your help controlling them."
"Won't there be a little problem with my gender, old friend?"
"First girl that mouths off to you, male or not, I expect you to
tie them into a bow knot and play 'just how high into the sky can I
kick you?' with them, Seamus. You're a Master of your school, and
just as much entitled to respect as I or Cologne are."
"With us, that's not a whole hell of a lot, you know."
She frowned at him, then continued on. "If these kids don't learn
that the world doesn't begin and end with the laws of our village,
they won't last very long in Japan."
Seamus nodded. "This is going to make a lovely mess."
"And you wouldn't have it any other way."
"Awwww, you noticed. I'm touched."
* * *
*thud*
*thud*
*thud*
Maiku Kanazuchi was busy destroying a small concrete pillar
covered with advertising posters. In traditional Neriman style, he
was doing so by beating the pillar to death with his forehead.
I hate my life, he thought. Why did I EVER take this stupid
case?
The sight of a flying minotaur overhead had startled Maiku.
What he found even more unsettling was the fact that no one on the
street seemed even slightly surprised. Even the officer in the local
police box did nothing more than check his wrist watch and mutter
something about pantyhose and "..he's early this month."
Maiku paused in his self-abuse and started across the street
to ask the officer just what the HELL was going on. Hopefully,
he might even get some information that might help him with his case.
That's when the stampede of women screaming for Happosai's
blood (and various body parts) ran over him in the middle of the
crosswalk.
"I think I'll just lie here and bleed for a while," he mumbled.
Fortunately, the officer in the nearby police box pulled him to
safety and called a doctor.
It was while Doctor Tofu (Tofu? wondered Maiku.) was bandaging
him that he was treated to a brief lecture on magical curses,
Jyusenkyo waters (both varieties, Instant and Permanent), chi-blasts,
and a variety of other oddities that had been but briefly touched
upon by both the newspapers and Cologne.
"What kind of insanity IS this?" gritted the detective as Tofu
applied salve to a deep puncture wound in his calf.
"Off hand, from the looks of the wound, I'd say it was a
stiletto heel with a steel cap and pink patent leather.. oh. You mean
Nerima?"
"OF COURSE I MEAN NERIMA!"
"You needn't shout," replied Tofu in his calmest bedside manner.
"I'M NOT.. shouting. Oh." Maiku bit his lip and tried to regain
his temper. "So, you're saying that _all_ of Nerima is basically
just as insane as Tomobiki?"
Tofu rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, we don't have Oni
princesses visiting on a regular basis, but we do have
vengeance-crazed martial artists arrive all the time, and the
occasional Chinese/Indian/Tibetan/Nepalese/minor-kingdom
that you've-never-even-heard-of princes do show up every few months
or so. Usually to marry or kill someone. Often both at once.
Occasionally, they even want to marry AND kill the same person."
"Excuse me?" blinked Maiku.
"Jyusenkyo curses," said Tofu sagely.
"Ahhh..." Then Maiku's shoulders slumped. "I never EVER should
have taken this case."
"Case?" asked Tofu.
Maiku shook his head. "Professional courtesy, Doc. You don't
blab about your patients, I don't blab about my clients. You know?"
It was Tofu's turn to nod. "In that case, Kanazuchi-san,
I believe I have something you need." He turned to a glass-fronted
cabinet and removed a large canister. Measuring out some of the
contents, he poured them into a small paper sack which he handed
to Maiku. "Two spoonfuls to a cup of hot water. Let it steep for at
least two minutes. Have one cup in the morning, and one in the
evening."
Maiku stared at the bag. "What is it?"
"The official morning drink of the people of Nerima. Trust me,
it works wonders. Just don't drink more than two cups a day, and heed
the warning label. Don't attempt to fly under your own power or try
to outrun a locomotive. Trying to outrun streetcars is silly, but
safe."
Maiku took the bag gingerly, noting the label on the canister
it had come from. "Packaged in Nerima. You know, that really explains
a lot."
Tofu smiled. "Yes, it does, doesn't it."
* * *
Gosunkugi took a deep breath and prepared himself for desperate
combat. The UPS driver had just arrived with a package.
"Oh Hi-chan!" caroled his mother. She held a small box wrapped
in brown paper in her hands. The battle was joined.
"Mother.. PLEASE! No more!"
Oichi's eyes narrowed, and she went straight for the big guns.
"WAAAAAAHHHHHH! My son doesn't love me any more! WAHHHHHHH!"
Hikaru immediately began to crumble under the assault. "I'm
SORRY! I'm SORRY! I'll wear it!"
The tears vanished almost magically, and his mother held the box
out to him. "I'm certain you'll love it, Hi-chan! It's MOST
heroic-looking."
Having seen an ad for a certain imported movie circled in
yesterday's paper, Gos immediately suspected what was in the box.
When he opened it, he wasn't disappointed.
"Momma, it's against the LAW to own a leopard skin. It's an
endangered species!"
Oichi smiled seraphically. "I thought of that. It's faux fur!
Now, go put it on. I want to see how HANDSOME you look in it,
Hi-chan!"
Grumbling, Gos headed for his bedroom, cursing the names of
Edgar Rice Burroughs, Walt Disney, all animated movies, Africa in
general, and idiotic gaijin who got lost in the jungle and raised
by apes in particular.
Behind him, his mother was hugging herself, visions of her son
single-handedly rescuing thousands of people filling her mind. (And,
of course, visions of all those people worshipping HER for having
had the courage and skill to bring such a hero into the world.)
Gos re-emerged from his bedroom wearing the fake leopard-skin
loincloth, his body one giant rose-red blush. "Momma, I look like
George of the Jungle!"
Gos then froze in horror as his mother's face was swept with a
thoughtful look.
"Elephants.. where can I find trained elephants?"
Definitely time to get Ranma to kill me, thought Gos.
* * *
"His name is Kanazuchi Maiku, boss," said Choji. "He's a
standard private investigator. Does the usual.. checks people for
burakumin ancestry, handles the rare divorce cases, and does a little
business snooping for corporations when they don't want to use their
own people."
Nabiki nodded. "Anything UNusual about him that might be
useful?"
Choji scratched her head. "Well.. he does have ONE eccentricity,
but.." She shrugged, seemingly at a loss for words.
"Well? What is it?" asked Nabiki impatiently.
"I think he thinks he's an _American_ detective. Or wants to be
one."
Now it was _Nabiki's_ turn to be at a loss for words. "What?"
"He's got this fetish, boss. He's got posters, books, and all
sorts of stuff from all the great American private eyes from the
'30's, '40's and '50's. Guys like.." Choji pulled a pad from her
pocket. "..Sam Spade and Phillip Marlowe," she continued, stumbling
over the Western names. "And the guy he seems to worship, Mike
Hammer."
Nabiki smirked, noting the similarity in the names. This might
be useful. She turned to Atsuko. "Any results?"
The smaller girl handed over a photograph. "Here's the person
he's looking for, boss. No name yet; Kanazuchi-san doesn't seem to
know who it is either. But oooooh, he's handsome for a gaijin."
Nabiki raised an eyebrow at the hearts in Atsuko's eyes, then
she looked at the photo.
"Boss? Boss?"
Shaking herself, Nabiki looked away from the photograph
of the mysterious foreigner. "And HE'S supposed to be hard to find?
Why isn't Kanazuchi-san just following the trail of love-starved
girls that has to be following this one?"
"I don't know, boss."
"Find out. We're going to find him first. Got that?"
"Hai, boss."
Nabiki beckoned to Masakazu. "Report."
"Everyone in school's got the word, boss. Talk to you first,
or else. Except Kuno. I thought you'd want to handle him yourself."
"You thought right. Trying to get an idea into his head is an
exercize in frustration. Good work, Masakazu. Keep your eyes and ears
open, and make certain no one forgets." Nabiki tapped a finger on the
picture. "I want to know what's going on, and I want to know
_first_."
Masakazu coughed quietly. "Boss?"
"Yes?"
"I thought you'd want to know. There are more Amazons in town."
Nabiki's gaze sharpened. "Who and where?"
"A new place on the Ginza. Another Amazon elder, and some
Amerikajin. They're opening some sort of shop. That's all I've found
out yet."
"Find out more. Now. I don't need more Amazons interfering
in Ranma's life until I can arrange to profit from it."
"Hai!" said all three girls.
"Good. Get going."
As the three assistants left, Nabiki gazed thoughtfully
at the picture, wondering. Was this the start of another of Ranma's
ridiculous adventures? She hoped not. She needed money, not another
round of Saotome-induced chaos. At least, not until _after_ she was
positioned to take proper advantage of it.
* * *
Kevin Sorbo smiled as he drove up the California coast to
Monterey. "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys" had ended filming some
time ago, but it was still strong in the re-runs and the residual
payments would keep him in the financial black for the foreseeable
future.
This meant that he didn't have to work if he didn't want to. So
for the moment, he intended to simply enjoy life. He relaxed as the
miles rolled by. It was a BEAUTIFUL day.
That's when his car phone buzzed.
"Kevin Sorbo speaking."
"No, I'm not interested."
"I _said_ I'm not interested. I might make another guest
appearance or two if Lucy asks me, but aside from that, I'm on
vacation for the next two, three years."
"No, going to Japan doesn't change my mind. And if Alan needs
help, YOU help him. I'm on VACATION. What part of that don't you
understand?"
Kevin stared at the handset, a desperate babbling still pouring
from it, then hung up in frustration. Some people in Hollywood
simply could NOT take a hint unless you used a battle-axe to drive
it home.
"Funny you should think of it that way, big bro, especially
as you haven't swung one in a few centuries." A chiming laugh swirled
around his ears as a brilliant spark of light drifted down into the
passenger seat of the Mercedes convertible. It dissolved into a
shower of stardust, forming the outline of a female figure. A VERY
female figure.
"Sis! What are you doing here?"
The woman giggled. "Can't I just get the urge to see my big
brother once in a while?"
"Unlikely, Aphrodite. You only show up when you need something,
or when you're bored."
The Goddess of Love pouted. "Awww.. you only say that 'cause
it's true."
The expression on Kevin's face changed, and with that change,
Kevin Sorbo, Hollywood star, vanished. Hercules, the hero of ancient
Greece, son of Zeus, and half-human brother to a pantheon of spoiled
Olympian deities, had returned.
"Okay, sis. Spill it. What sort of trouble are you in now?"
* * *
Hercules shook his head. "And I thought MY love life was a mess.
FOUR fiancees?"
"Well, only three, really. The fourth girl isn't.. well.."
"Isn't what?"
"She isn't, like, all that *there*, you know? She's loony toons.
You know, like that nut with the sword who was always bothering
that Amazon friend of yours? The crazy who stole some of our
ambrosia?"
Hercules flinched ever so slightly at the mention of Xena's
ancient (and quite insane) enemy, Callisto. His sister, goddess
or not, wasn't exactly the brightest chip off of Zeus' godly loins.
If _she_ thought this Kodachi girl was unstable.. he set the mental
comparison aside and shrugged.
"So what's this got to do with me, Sis?"
Aphrodite suddenly looked nervous. "Well, Japan isn't strictly
our pantheon, but I dropped by to take a look at this Ranma kid all
the gods and goddesses of love were gossiping about, and who should
I run into, but.."
Hercules sighed, resisting the urge to stop the car and run
screaming into the ocean. "Athena? Again? How?"
"There's still a tribe of Amazons left, big bro.. in China.
One of the girls involved with the kid is a Chinese Amazon, and when
Athena found out she was still worshipped there, she went a little
spare, you know? Headed down there right away."
"And you bumped into her."
"I bumped into her owl."
"You KNOW how much she loves Bubo."
"It wasn't my FAULT, okay? I didn't MEAN to pour hot tar all
over the feathery little bastard, honest! Just because it keeps
crapping in my boudoir doesn't mean I'm, like, trying to kill it or
anything.."
In tones of patience rapidly being exhausted: "SIS..."
"OKAY, okay, maybe I tried a little something. But now there's
a problem that Zeus said *I* have to help fix, and I can't DO that
with Athena all pissed at me." She batted her eyes at him.
"PLEEEEEASE, big brother? Help me?"
"I _know_ I'm going to regret this."
"Oh, THANK you thank you thank you thank you big brother!"
She threw her arms around him, causing the convertible to almost
jump the curb. "I promise, I'll never forget this!"
"I know *I* won't," sighed Hercules.
* * *
"What do you mean, I have to take off my costume for my passport
photo?"
"Sir, you can't wear a MASK for this; the passport has to show
your face."
"This IS my face."
A long sigh. "Sir, I sincerely doubt that your face is bright
lime green and nose-less with two long antenna protruding from your
forehead."
"But you don't KNOW that..."
The goverment official wanted to beat his head on his desk. He
wasn't aware that this was a common reaction for everyone who had to
deal with Irwin Schwab, alias Ambush Bug.
* * *
Mousse was not happy. In fact, he was feeling downright
terrified. Rin and Ran had just left the Cat Cafe, having told the
old ghoul that Elder Healer Lilac wanted her to send the manhunting
party over to the new shop on the Ginza.
Manhunting parties didn't normally frighten him. After all, most
every female in the village over the age of puberty knew of his
unswerving, unwavering devotion and loyalty to his goddess, Shampoo.
Not that they thought of it quite that way. THEY considered
him a total loser and a royal pain in the ass, as most of them had
been glomped more than once by the near-blind master of the Hidden
Weapons School when he mistook them for Shampoo. They were merely
grateful that if the loony HAD to obssess on someone, thank Artemis
and Athena it wasn't _them_.
But there was ONE little exception.
Mace.
Mousse shuddered at the mere mention of the name.
In a matriarchy of the Amazon sort, it wasn't at all surprising
that some of the women would be (or chose) lesbian lovers. This was
neither encouraged nor frowned upon. But every female capable of
bearing a child was expected to do so, to strengthen the village.
Of course, barring the use of magic, this obviously required
a.. donation, so to speak.. from a male.
Mace had decided that HER personal sperm bank was going to be
Mousse. Mousse, of course, would not be allowed to have anything
to say about it.
It didn't help any that she'd already bragged to some of her
friends in the village that she'd have Mousse in a French maid's
costume and serving her as a maid should in less than a week, once
she caught him. She'd gone into great detail on just _how_ she'd
train Mousse, too. Implements were involved. And Mousse had heard
this.
At the moment, Mousse was giving sincere thought to taking a
long vacation. And NOT leaving any forwarding address.
<"There has to be SOMEWHERE I can hide. There MUST be somewhere.
I just have to find it,"> he sweated. Then he snapped his fingers.
The spooky boy, he thought. They might look for me at Ranma's,
they might look for me at Kuno's. They might even check the Ucchan's.
But NO ONE ever pays any attention to that kid with the voodoo dolls.
I'll just offer to teach him some sleight of hand, maybe a _small_
trick or two from the Hidden Weapons school, tell him it's true
magic, and he'll be so grateful, he'll let me hide out at his place
for as long as I might need!
* * *
Meanwhile, in deepest, darkest Tibet..
"Mistress, the Sacred One has returned to us!"
"You are certain of this, Xu?"
"Yes, Mistress, I witnessed it myself! And I questioned
the Jyusenkyo Guide personally."
"Excellent! We must-"
"Mistress? There is a problem."
"What now?"
"Ahh.. weodagudsumtaps"
"What was that? Speak CLEARLY, Xu!"
"Ahh.. we owe the Guide. Three more Creamy Lemon tapes. The
price for answering our questions."
There was a long, deep sigh. "Take some money from petty cash,
and go down to the village and order some. Use FedEx. They're more
reliable than UPS."
"Right away, Mistress!"
The figure on the throne clapped her hands, and a dozen women
appeared.
"Our Sacred One walks the mortal world once again, in the form
of a man. We must recover him and return him to the Shrine where he
will be safe and secure."
"And where we can boff him til it falls off!" whispered one.
"WHO SAID THAT?"
Eleven women took one large step back, leaving a lone figure
exposed.
"I should have known. Cold showers for a month, Li."
Li bowed. "Yes, Mistress." When she stood and rejoined her
sisters, she hissed "I'm gonna get you all for that."
"You can try," whispered another.
The figure on the throne glared down at them all. "Silence!
I want a strike team assembled by morning, ready to rescue the Sacred
One from the outside world. Take our best warriors. And a few of the
bimbos. Just in case. We might need some expendable shock troops.
Be ready at dawn."
* * *
In Tomobiki, Japan..
"Most ominous," pronounced Cherry.
"Forget ominous, I'm gone!" Sakura began throwing clothing
into a suitcase with a speed that rivaled that of the legendary
Chestnut Fist attack. "When I get a fire reading that looks like
THAT, and a menacing voice straight out of 'Ghostbusters'
telling me that 'you are SO screwed', then it's time for a VACATION!"
"Where are you going?"
"To the airport. I hear the Falkland islands are nice this time
of year."
"Most ominous," repeated Cherry. "Personally, I like Wales.
Lots of hiding places in Wales."
"Whatever. You've got five minutes to pack, starting now. After
that, I'm leaving you behind, old man."
The diminuitive priest had his Gladstone bag packed in three.
* * *
Grenwich Village, Manhatten, New York City...
Dr. Stephen Strange was on the phone to the town of Stanley,
in the Falkland Islands.
"Yes? I see. No, don't worry. I'll trade some favors, and cover
for you."
"Oh, it's perfectly understandable. Even the spirit of the
Ancient One has left. He doesn't want to be ANYWHERE in the area when
it hits the fan, old friend."
"Right. I've arranged a line of credit at the hotel. You'll
be able to stay as long as you need to."
Stephen hung up and sighed.
"Wong?"
"Yes, Master?"
"Check the shielding again, and made certain NO women get inside
without passing through the spell on the front door first."
"It's them again, Master?"
"Just check the shielding, Wong."
"Yes, Master."
* * *
Back in Nerima, Japan...
Dowel and her team of intrepid husband hunters had finally
reached Nerima. Once there, it took them only twenty-four hours to
find the Cat Cafe. (Upon mature reflection, Dowel had decided it had
been an error to ask for directions from the boy with the spotted
bandanna and large backpack.)
Rin and Ran had met them there, taking them directly to the new
building that Elder Lilac had purchased. But it was less the
opportunity for warm baths and soft beds than it was the chance to
lay down the responsibility for the team that made Dowel sigh with
relief. She had only one regret. Now that she was no longer in
charge, she couldn't justify choking that little bitch Tao by the
throat with both hands until Tao's eyes popped from her skull.
Still, that would have been a momentary pleasure at best, and
difficult to explain away to the Council of Elders later on.
She eased a little deeper into the furo, feeling the aches and
pains of the past few weeks gradually seeping away. Hardship might
be the way to build an Amazon, but Mace did have a point. Hot baths
WERE a gift from the gods.
Sugar, Spice, Cinnamon and Cardamom entered the bath, stripped
and joined her in the furo.
"Where's Tao?" asked Dowel.
"Where else?" snorted Sugar. The younger Amazon jerked a thumb
in the direction of the small yard behind the building, from which
a sudden screech exploded. Tao's scream of outrage rapidly dopplered
into silence.
Dowel tried to avoid laughing so hard that she'd drown. That
just wasn't the way a proper Amazon should die. But she did recall
what had happened when they'd arrived here at Elder Lilac's place,
and smiled.
They'd been lined up in front of the Healer, as Lilac gave them
the "Facts of Life in Japan", as Lilac had put it...
* * *
"First of all, this is Japan. We're the foreigners here. We
screw up, and the Japanese will treat us the way _we'd_ treat them
back home. Got that?"
"BUT--" Tao burst out.
Lilac thumped her staff on the floor, causing the entire
building to shudder slightly. "But me no buts, child. I do NOT intend
to be escorted out of Japan in disgrace by their police, just because
YOU can't hold your temper. You WILL walk softly. I expect you to
stay proud and uphold your Amazon heritage, but don't be stupid."
Lilac then pointed her cane at the American standing a short
distance behind her. "This is Master Seamus McGyver. He's a
Grandmaster of his School, and a personal friend of mine. He can also
tie any of you up into knots with both hands and his brains tied
behind his back. He's here at my request to help me, and you'll treat
him with the same respect you'd give ANY Elder, female or male. If
not, I've given him special permission to make examples of you
without having to worry about the Kiss of Marriage." She grinned
in an especially frightening way. "Care to try him?"
"Cologne wouldn't do things this way," muttered Tao sullenly.
Lilac's cane came down with a snap, stopping bare millimeters
from Tao's nose. "I am NOT Cologne, child, and this is NOT the Cat
Cafe."
"Gently, Lil," said Seamus. "If the youngster wants to know why
I rate special treatment, let's show her. After all, 'Deeds, Not
Words'."
Lilac raised an eyebrow. "Been a while since I heard _that_
motto. You sure about this?"
"Always," grinned the old man.
The Healer nodded, and waved the younger Amazons into a circle.
"Let this challenge of Tao versus McGyver begin."
Tao snarled, leaping forward with both short swords drawn. He's
just a weak old male, she thought. This won't take long.
Dowel would remember what she saw then to her dying day. Seamus
(from now on to be _Elder_ Seamus in her thoughts, always) had
_blurred_. That was the only word to describe it. Tao's swords had
been gently yet firmly PLUCKED from her grasp, and the old man's
hands had become near invisible as they began doing -something-
to the blades.
A moment later, Tao was standing there, her wrists and ankles
shackled together with crude iron bands, bands that HAD been her
swords. Seamus had sealed them shut with simple rivets, SQUEEZING
them into place with nothing more than thumb and forefinger.
"Have a nice trip, child. Thank you for flying Air McGyver."
With that, Seamus smiled, took a firm stance, and _kicked_. Tao went
sailing over the building in the general direction of the canal that
ran through Nerima.
Lilac, grinning, looked back at the remaining members of the
husband hunting team, who all had shocked expressions on their faces.
"Any questions?"
To Seamus' surprise (and Lilac's amusement) Sugar stuck up her
hand, followed rapidly by Spice.
"Yes? What is it?"
"Master Seamus, do you have any male grandchildren our age?"
Lilac took one look at the expression on Seamus' face and fell
off her staff laughing.
* * *
Elder Lilac had then explained how she expected every one of
them to behave, both when working for her, and during their private
time. Dowel had nodded along with the others. When a wet, dripping,
and thoroughly infuriated Tao had returned, Dowel had even
thoughtfully handed the soaked Amazon a dry towel, refraining
from any conflict.
The BAD news had come later, when Master McGyver explained
about his 'student'.
For Amazons who'd been raised on tales of the Demon Panty Thief,
Norton South wasn't that big of a shock. Or, for that matter, that
much of an annoyance. The little pervert would try to date them, try
to fondle them, try to peep on them, everything but steal their
panties. (He hadn't sunk THAT low. Yet.)
What bothered them was the fact that they weren't allowed to
kill the little lech. So they'd set aside all of their edged weapons
and stuck strictly to blunt ones and unarmed combat. Fortunately,
Norton's studies of the McGyver-Ryuu weren't far advanced.
UNfortunately, his lechery and ability to take a thrashing
were. They beat the degenerate several times a day and he kept coming
back for more. Sugar and Spice thought that he HAD to be related
to Mousse, somehow. Cardamom felt he must have been trained in the
Breaking Point.
Just then, a loud clatter outside the bathroom door caught their
attention. Cinnamon climbed dripping from the bath and opened the
door a crack, peering out.
"It's him again," she swore. "The ropes worked though." She shut
and locked the door, returning to the furo.
Outside in the hallway, Lilac passed by on her way to her room.
She heard a muffled, struggling sort of sound above her head and
looked up.
Dangling from the ceiling in a web of cordage was Norton, face
red as he wriggled like a fly trapped by some immense spider.
"Amazing," laughed Lilac. "A booby-trap that actually catches
boobies. I'll have to commend the girls on that one. It shows
ingenuity." She rapped sharply on the bathroom door with the head of
her staff. "Don't forget to cut the pervert down when you finish
bathing. I don't want him cluttering up the ceiling." Then she
continued on to her room.
* * *
Lilac blinked as there came a gentle rapping on her door.
"We got out first job, Lil," Seamus said. "Bathhouse downtown
was just trashed by a mob of angry women. Guess why it was trashed?"
"No guess," grumbled the Healer. "Cologne already informed
the Council that Happosai was seen in Nerima from time to time. I
suppose it's too much to hope that they managed to beat the living
snot out of him?"
"No such luck this time. If you'll get the girls, I'll see to
the supplies. We should have the bathhouse up and running again in
less than a day."
"Right. Meet you downstairs."
Five minutes later, Lilac was giving last minute instructions
to the Amazon girls and Seamus was informing the owner of a
lumberyard that if they couldn't guarantee deliveries time-on-target,
then Seamus couldn't guarantee that the owner's little 'hobby'
wouldn't show up in the Tokyo papers the next day.
Seamus snapped the phone shut. "That was fun. Haven't bullied
anyone but the grandkids and the occasional student for a long time."
"What about Norton?" asked Lilac.
Seamus blinked. "I'm not sure he qualifies as human. Do you
think perverts can be defined as a sub-species?" He shook his head.
"Anyway, supplies are on the way. Let's go!"
Lilac sighed. "Let me guess. You're driving."
"Yeah!" Seamus almost shouted.
Sash, noticing the almost weary look on Lilac's face, left her
spot at Tao's side for a moment. "Is anything wrong, Elder?" she
whispered.
"Only that the last of the Kamikazi pilots isn't dead, child.
He's alive and well, and driving a truck in Nerima."
* * *
As the truck roared away (Seamus had removed the muffler and
installed a noise _increasing_ exhaust pipe), Norton crept out of the
trash bin where Tao had stuffed him shortly after catching him
peeping at her.
A bathhouse, he thought. Nude women, all of them, yearning
for my touch. NEEDING my body pressed firmly against their naked
flesh. WANTING my virile manliness.
A thin trickle of drool began to make its way down his chin.
Since Norton was blissfully unaware that he actually HAD no
virile manliness in any practical sense, he continued that train of
thought.
I _have_ to follow! I can't deny the lovely ladies the chance
to experience ME!
And with that delusional thought, Norton dashed to the notepad
beside the phone. Gently rubbing a pencil over the indentations
in its surface, he was able to make out the faint traces of the
address his Master had jotted down.
Then, he rushed down the street, a small map of Nerima clenched
tightly in his sweaty fist.
"Never fear, sweet women of Nerima! I am here for you!"
* * *
Gos looked on glumly as his mother approached him with a bundle
in her arms. "Another costume, mother?"
"No," Oichi chirped happily. "The first costume. You need to get
some cold water and into costume right away! Your first adventure
is here, now!"
Hikaru flinched. He'd _hoped_ his mother would give up her idea
of having him rush around Nerima like some crazed gaijin superhero
from an American manga, but apparently, the gods hated him.
Personally. He winced in frustration.
"..are you listening, dear?"
"Ah, I'm sorry, Momma. I was thinking."
Oichi smiled. "Well, Koichi-san called. She was at the bathhouse
when some deformed little hentai tried to steal all the women's
underclothing, and the resulting riot ruined the building. It's your
perfect chance!"
"But I don't WANT to steal underwear, Momma!"
Oichi gently batted him on one ear. "NO, silly. It's your chance
to make your name as a hero! Now, change, dry off, get dressed,
and go out there and CATCH that pervert!"
Gos was about to summon up the last of his miniscule amount
of courage and try to refuse her, when his mother drove the final
nail into his verbal coffin.
"Go out there and make us PROUD, son!"
He hung his head for a second, and then, without looking up,
extended one hand for the clothing his mother was holding.
* * *