(comments gleaned from reading both parts)
Well...
Hmm...
Er...
Y'know, if the writing was worse, or the story sucked, or anything like
that, I could just blow this piece off. But there's potential here, and
that's what's drawing me in. But MAN, do you have some issues that could do
with a bit of adjustment.
Issue 1:
ANC, ANC, ANC! My god, man - Kijo the Ki-Charged Kid should be the
name of this fic. Granted that his style is focused on ki abilities, he's
still more powerful than most of the regulars. And the strange (some would
say 'convenient') way he fits right in and gets along with the good guys of
the original cast is, IMO, just a bit too trite. It's been done, it's old,
and it's annoying, because it looks exactly like a (*very*) thinly-veiled
self-insert... and a munchkin one, at that. Tossing in a "I do have limits,
you know," does not help - you need to show us some flaws with this guy.
Check it out (and I'm skipping some stuff here):
He's a martial artist (natch).
He's got ki-abilities up the wazoo... according to the story,
his ki blast put both the Moko Takabisha and the Shi Shi Hokodan to shame.
Err... yeah.
He was able to smack Happosai around *the first time he met
him*, which is something not even Ranma managed.
He's rolling in dough (sure, it comes from dear ol' dad, but
what's the diff?)
He's everybody's friend.
He can fly.
He knows about the Chinese Amazons... has heard of some of their
techniques... all of which seems very improbable, as they're pretty much
unknown to damn near everybody.
And there's more. This guy is Superman, Batman, and Bruce Lee all
rolled into one. If this were an RPG, I'd boot this character from the
campaign so fast even *his* head would spin.
Granted, you've warned us that this is a new-character fic (and even
stated that it would be a powerful one). Might I suggest, though, that it
would be more palatable and vastly more entertaining, if the character
DEVELOPED those powers in the course of the fic, and the other characters
developed along with him? Otherwise, it's akin to saddling a Navy SEAL with
some Boy Scouts - sure, they might be a help, but most likely, they're just
going to be in the way, and outgunned by whatever the group comes up
against. Or, the baddie is going to be thoroughly stomped by Our Hero, who
doesn't even break a sweat ("*yawn* Another bad guy, down the drain.
C'mere, toots." "Oh, my hero! *smooch*").
I dunno about you, but that doesn't sound too entertaining to me.
Issue 2:
Dialogue. Not that it's bad (although Kijo is coming across to me
as being rather smug, most of the time), but you've got to watch your
paragraph breaks.
Issue 3:
Plot. As in, lack thereof (so far). I can see lots of potential
here, but so far, you've not shown me anything that has me interested. Why
is Kijo here? What's the purpose of this character? What new insanity is
his presence going to stir up? WHAT'S GOING ON?!?
You've gone two chapters so far, and so far, I've not seen anything
beyond "Days of Our Lives - Nerima Edition". Nothing is happening. Sure,
Ryoga has a friend. That's nice. In the grand scheme of things, though,
what difference does that make?
Issue 4:
Talking to the reader. Hoo, boy, is that annoying. I'd drop it,
myself - we can figure out what you mean without you explaining it. If this
were a comedy, I'd say run with it (within reason). A good example, IMO,
would be Girl Days, by Kenko. He comments to the readers all the time...
but it's done in an acceptable fashion, the story isn't adversely affected,
and the general tone of the story is conducive to just that. Yours, OTOH,
is not.
Issue 5:
"Tonight, on Fan Fiction News Network - stock footage from the
oft-acclaimed Ranma 1/2 series! Stay tuned!"
(in other words - drop the cliche gags, the stock scenes, the
overused bits. They're like spices - don't use any, the food is okay; use
just enough, the food is great; use too much, the food stinks.)
Sorry to sound so critical, but as I said - this story has potential. I
like powerful characters, myself... but there has to be a REASON for their
power. I don't mean HOW they got their power, but rather, that there is a
plot-point that is dependent on their power, yet is still challenging. In a
fic like this, where you're obviously angling to get Kijo in with the Nerima
crowd, the challenge needs to be immense, and preferably one that requires
all of them doing their very best (or beyond) for them to succeed. A
challenge that has both great rewards if their successful, and a dire fate
if they're not.
Anyway. I'll stop spouting off, now, but I'll leave with this: The
story has potential, you have some talent, and if you can make them work
together, I think you just may have something worth hanging on to here. But
you need to work at it.
(and BTW - what, exactly, does 'ki no jozu' mean?)
Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org
Sofaspud's Couch - anime fanfics and news. Submissions welcome!
http://www.sofaspud.org