Draft version.
C&C is most welcome.
Ask and ye shall receive...
Near a small island in the northern Pacific, two ancient
beings clashed in titanic battle. The sea roiled with a
raging turbulence spawned by the primal fury between
Umibouzu and the Ayakashi. A small local seeming twisted
the air and ocean about their sinuous, warring lengths,
cloaking their presence from mortal sight. It was the only
magic used in the bitter and brutal conflict.
The Devourer of Ships knew his opponent to be a creature
of elemental savagery. The Ayakashi was a mindless force,
existing only to slay and engender chaos upon the commands
of the Demon Lord of the South. Umibouzu had learned far
better over the long span of time since their mutual
creation, glimpsing even the ultimate purpose of the
Cardinal Servants, while the Ayakashi clearly had not.
This bit about Umibouzo is interesting. It further identifies him as being at
least in the gray, as far as the demon warring goes. And if he likes Ranma,
which I think he does, all the better.
Yet the battle raised the delight for destruction that
remained at the core of his being and also something
greater, besides. Never in his five thousand years of
existence had Umibouzu felt the savage exhilaration that
pulsed through his massive body this very day.
Welcome to the Ranmaverse. :P
Not since
Amaterasu Omikami,
Oumikami or Ohmikami (I'm *fairly* certain of this - had to research it for
AG)
Goddess of the Sun,
Ah. You learned lessons taught to me recently. :)
bade the ancient
land of Nippon to arise from the firmament, and so created
the first creatures of Yamato, had he felt so alive, so
vital.
In one sense, the contest between himself and the
monstrous Ayakashi was meaningless, important only in the
ephemeral
The nuance of 'ephemeral' feels off here. Maybe: ...important only in a
distant sense of deciding a victor...
sense of deciding a victor between claimants to
the Eastern Throne. It mattered not in the end who became
Demon Lord, only that someone did.
Suggest: ...Demon Lord; only that someone did.
Why, then, did this
battle with the Cardinal Servant of the South embody so
much
Suggest: many
of his hopes and fears?
Even as he wrenched his head and jaws around to gain
access to the Ayakashi's vulnerable underside and flung
coil after coil of his serpentine length in a savage bout
of oceanic dominance, some small part of Umibouzu focused
on the two other clashes of power reverberating across his
senses. One was centered on the nearby island, and the
other, much farther away, in the frozen peaks of central
Japan.
Umibouzu touched the closer source and admired the
strength and clarity of purpose he found within the mind of
Ranma Saotome. There, faced with a powerful challenger in
the form of Moeru, the half-demon scion
What Vince said. ^_^
of Yami-no-Tsume
knew no fear, only a deep concern for his friends and
mother, fueling an ironclad determination to win... and
something far darker, joyous, hidden but exultant.
[...]
He only had time to pulse a brief message of warning
before sinking into the furious darkness of the depths.
<Ranma Saotome, be wary!> Then he was gone.
Behind them, the ocean surface bubbled and seethed, then
slowly calmed, until no trace of their passing remained.
Hmmm. One wonders what this mirrors for Ranma...
---
An Awakening of Demons
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
By Kagami
Chapter 11: Tenacity
---
In the bowels of the earth beneath the island of Seiryu,
Ranma Saotome heard the voice of Umibouzu echo in his mind
and fade. <Umibouzu?> There was no answer. He threw aside
his concern; the battle with Moeru would require all his
concentration. Carefully he refrained
Feels awkward. Suggest: He carefully refrained
from thinking of the
four girls standing behind him. It wasn't easy.
"Ranma-sama, defeat this unworthy challenge
challenger (?)
for your
beloved Kodachi!"
"Ranma, you win for Shampoo, okay?"
"Ranchan, I'm counting on you."
"Ranma, don't you dare lose!"
"Hey," he snapped, turning around to face them, "do you
guys mind? I'm trying to concentrate here." The cheering
squad was great for his ego, but there was a time and a
place for it. And this wasn't it. Moeru, he noticed out of
the corner of his eye, looked somewhat nonplused
nonplussed (?)
at the
exchange. The girls, on the other hand, were barely
deterred by his objection.
[...]
The tableau was indeed striking: the blue kimono-clad,
tall woman
Suggest: the tall, blue kimono-clad woman...
stood before the vast and inert form of the
spirit dragon, her fiery eyes and crimson hair stark
against the shadows. Behind her, Seiryu's great golden eyes
burned like vast lanterns in the dark. Smoke jetted forth
from nostrils on her draconian snout, swirling just above
ground and covering the barren stone in white mist.
[...]
Deep in the mountains above Nagano, Shukumaru had an
entirely different view of her supposedly problem-free
situation.
She hurled herself to one side as the icy blast impacted
on the spot she had been standing.
Awkward. Suggest: ...icy blast impacted the spot where she had been standing.
Cat-quick reflexes had
saved her from the first attacks of the Ice Maiden,
Shimoyake. The problem was her inability to close and
utilize her own technique. Her Dokkasou required physically
touching her opponent, and while Kori Otome held her off
with blizzards of razor-sharp ice shards and pale cones of
pure frost, it was totally negated.
[...]
"Then we must cheer her up, Hime," Hiko replied, nodding
his head. They linked fingers and raised their other hands
to point directly at her. A hail of icy shards sprang forth
from Hiko's raised palm, while Hime released a geyser of
steaming water.
"How is this supposed to cheer me up?" Shukumaru snarled
as she dodged the projected hail storm.
Hehehe. I like that. It humanizes her just a bit. :)
The scalding blast
of water jetted past as well, a clear miss. The twins
directed their power at her again, parallel clouds of
blistering steam and pointed icicles. Leaping left or right
would still put her within range of the two attacks, so she
leapt back hastily, and promptly sank chest-deep into
melted snow, entrapping her arms.
[...]
"Simple, Ryoga-sama," Kodachi murmured, "pull the cord,
like so, and aim in the direction of your choice, and
voila!" The clubhead disintegrated with a loud bang and
shot bright sparks and dazzling colours into the air, much
like an oversized party cracker.
"'Win for the sake of our love, Ranma-sama!'?" Akane
tersely quoted as the light show resolved itself into a
distinct selection of brazen words. "That's your idea of
encouragement?"
LOL! A bit over the top, but so is Kodachi... and Takahashi, for that matter.
^_^
[...]
Mizuhiko and Oyuhime! Shukumaru blinked as she suddenly
recalled the names of the two cherubic servants of Kori
Otome. The Cold Water Prince and the Hot Water Princess.
Ya know? That just reverberates, given the series you're writing in. ^_^
[...]
Mizuhiko peered around the Ice Maiden's legs and stuck out
his tongue. Shimoyake swatted him on the head, and he
winced and clutched the spot. "What was that for?" he
complained.
"Hiko, Hime, wait me below.
wait for me below.
--or--
await me below.
[...]
"What wrong with demon-slaying weapon? Why no kill demon?"
Shampoo asked in surprise, twin bonbori loosely clasped in
her hands, spherical heads pointed towards the ground. "Is
past used-by date?"
:j
[...]
At his nod, she continued, "Okay, you shoot a pillar of
heavy chi up into the air, and it comes crashing down
again, hitting you and everyone around you. But it won't
work for two reasons: those things" - she pointed to the
Saikin slowly trundling towards them - "are completely
soulless, if what Kodachi said is correct. You're in a
similar state after firing off a Shishi Hokodan blast, and
it doesn't hurt you, so I don't think it'll affect them
either."
Akane, the tactical genius, huh? Is this a side effect of whatever Ranma did
to her, or did I forget something in the interim?
[...]
The new shield was barely forming as his ki blast smashed
through the shimmering flames, followed by his body. Ranma
cocked his right arm as he fell straight towards Moeru.
This time the deep pools of her red eyes failed to make him
hesitate, and he held nothing back from his final strike.
"Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken!"
I leave all the talk of attacks to those who know it better... :)
His fist and body slammed her into the ground with the
force of a thunderbolt from heaven, flinging up a cloud of
pulverised stone dust.
Akane felt her eyes mist as the dust hid the two figures
from sight. Fear and hope touched her, but the singing
surge in her blood promised victory and triumph. The cloud
cleared to reveal Ranma standing over his fallen opponent,
yellow eyes locked steadily onto her own.
---
Shukumaru dreamed.
She stood on a frozen plain before a temple of black ice.
Large blacks
blocks. (Careful, there. ^_-)
of the dark, translucent material formed the
walls of the shrine. Near her was a gate of ebon, tightly
closed. Shukumaru felt warm, almost protected, but a cold
wind gusted from the plain, bringing a stench of death.
Hesitantly
Hesitantly,
Shukumaru touched a block and a voice echoed
within her mind. <I want a son.> She jerked her hand away
as though the icy surface was red-hot. The feeling of
safety and protection faded and vanished like it had never
been.
For a moment, she stood still, unwilling to proceed, but
the wind continued to grow and bluster, turning into a
storm of epic proportions. Shukumaru stumbled towards the
gate, striving to avoid touching any of the other blocks.
However, a heavy gust flung her against the wall, and she
reached out to support herself.
<Remember who you are!>
She gasped, staggering, pain flaring in her heart. The
words held virulent venom within their innocence. Her hand
fell on the next block in turn. <How dare one of your
blood....> Shukumaru snatched her hand away, and the voice
cut off in mid-sentence.
The gate finally loomed before her. By now
By now,
the storm
lashed across the plain in full fury, turning the sky black
with dark clouds. Shukumaru raised a trembling hand to the
ebon gate and touched it.
Well, I got a little lost in the story after this point, but I don't recall
seeing anything.
Another great installment. Events move apace. Nice going with the dual
victories of Ranma and Shukumaru. Further, the contrast between the battles of
heat and cold and the problems that go with each was excellent. Even more was
that each pulled the opposite condition to save themselves. Very good
layering. Applause.
Look forward to the next. Hope this helps.
Ja!
Dave
*******************************************
D.F. Roeder
FanFiction - http://www.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html