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-- File: THOMAS~1.TXT
Thomas Paine
By Ranko Saotome
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DISCLAIMER: This is in no way supposed to be taken seriously!
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Macho McHero dashed through the alleyways, seeking the Enemy.
He was a manly man, all bulging muscles and ripped fatigues,
carrying a ludicrous number of weapons. In his hands was his
personal favorite, his BFG (Big F****** Gun). He loved the way it
made his opponents go squish.
He dashed around the corner and saw THEM!!
Hundreds of giant mutant radishes! All fangs and ichor-dripping
claws!
"DIE YOU M-F VEGETABLES!!" he cried out. "YAAAAHHHH!!!"
Seconds later, all the radishes were pureed.
Macho hefted his BFG and �
"HOLD IT!!"
Macho stopped abruptly at the sound of the high-pitched voice.
Looking down, he noticed a young girl, about 10 years old.
"What are you doing here? This place is dangerous! There's giant
mutant radishes and booby-traps and lots of bad language!"
The girl took out a rolled-up newspaper and swatted him in the
head.
"OW!" the burly action hero cried. "That hurt!"
"Where's the plot?" she demanded.
He looked confused. "What plot? You mean the plot by the giant
mutant radishes to take over the world?"
She swatted him again.
"STOP THAT!" he demanded.
"No," she said. "Drooling fanboys keep writing fanfics about you
blow-em-up video-game characters, and I just wanted to know if
there was any actual plot around here to base a story on."
Macho scratched his head, producing a faint echo. "Well, there's
the plot about the noble hero overcoming incredible odds with
nothing more than his trusty BFG and whatever he happens to
find."
The girl made a rude, crude, and most unladylike sound. "Do you
have any idea how ludicrous that sounds?"
"It's not ledi- er, luddy � uh, what-you-said!" he protested.
"See? Here's the BFG! And I'm overcoming incredible odds!"
A giant mutant radish wandered by. Macho McHero raised his BFG,
but the little girl stopped him.
The radish dashed toward them, and she stepped out of the way. It
bounced off a few walls and ambled about randomly, then headed
toward her again. She stepped out of the way and it wandered off.
"Is that a sample of the 'incredible odds' you're overcoming?"
she asked snidely. "They're cannon-fodder! They just blunder at
random! How is blowing them into baby food 'overcoming incredible
odds'?"
"Uh�"
"And isn't that BFG just a penis symbol for teenaged boys who
feel underendowed?"
"SHUT UP!" he yelled defensively. "Who the bleep do you think you
are?!?"
"Me?" she said, all kawaii. "My name's Common Sense. I don't show
up a lot around here, because I generally feel unwelcome. But
sometimes I just have to say something."