I haven't managed to C&C this excellent fic before (ie. been too busy and lazy
^_^), so I'll give it a go now. As always, all C&C are my opinions and
suggestions only.
Jamie and Bridget Wilde wrote:
Air hummed softly in the cockpit, stirred by several ventilation fans
set above and behind the mechwarrior's ejector seat. The tinny whine of an
array of gas-plasma displays added to the ambient sound, as did the muted
roar of several hundred kilograms of liquid nitrogen rushing through the
flashing chambers of the battlemech's heat sinks.
tiny? whine
Though no rival Great House had ever faced these weapons before, the
guns of Oni had duelled with a seditious branch of the Tendo Family in
the Confederation Civil War of 2802. The result of this fateful battle
was that the rival Tendos and their allies within the nobility were forced
to withdraw from the system before ever reaching Nerima, and had suffered
the loss of their pretender to the Ducal Throne when his heavy cruiser
was gutted by Naval Particle Cannon fire.
Chuckle. I'm picturing the Guns of Navarone in my head now....
However, I'm gonna play the sour lemon of reality and point out that a single
moon, not matter how well-armed, cannot guard all the approaches to a planet.
Yes, I know its primary purpose is as a launch base for the aerospace fighters
and gunships, but Kuno could simply take losses from those and invade Nerima
directly.
Of course the Blue Thunder isn't one to refuse an offered challenge, so much of
my argument is moot in regards to him, but against other opponents in the eight
hundred year history of the Confederation....
As she considered the coming carnage, her adjutant piped in from a
secure landline plugged into a terminal at the base of her battlemech's
ankle.
piped up?
Kasumi regarded Colonel Mukaida on her display. The last time she had
spoken to him in this manner, he still enjoyed the use of his legs. The
battle that saw him become a paraplegic had occurred shortly after her
decision to step down as Commander of the 1st Nerima Guards. She had done
so in order to take over as Castellan of Azure Cloud Castle, and to act as
Lady Steward for the Confedertion. It was a continuing source of guilt for
her, as he had been injured while leading the regiment in the time before
Akane took over as commanding officer.
Confederation
The battle for the moon of Shounetsu Jigoku was joined.
Hmm, not sure what the name means - are you sure it's not Shoumetsu Jigoku?
'Extinction Hell' would seem appropriate.
Tatewaki Kuno took in the reports of the battle from the War Room
aboard his Overlord Class DropShip _Oda Nobunaga._ His forces had managed
several landings on the surface of Oni, including a surprise attack within
striking distance of one of the cursed Confederation fighter bases. The
word from his commanders in the field was optimistic, though casualties
were much higher than anticipated.
Casualties are _always_ much higher than anticipated; if leaders ever had a
realistic grasp of the casualties likely to result from a battle, no one (except
the criminally insane) would ever launch an assault. ^_^
Kasumi watched as the Combine Ostroc a hundred meters in front of her
position exploded under the hit of her main gun - A Class 20 Autocannon
The 'A' probably should not be capitalized.
There wasn't time to say a prayer or to ask forgiveness. The Combine
was pouring down from the plateau to the volcanic floodplain of hard,
glassy lava that marked the southern extremes of LIBERTY's defensive
perimeter.
I'd change 'The Combine was pouring' to 'Combined mechs poured' because the
following sentence starts with 'Their' and 'The Combine' is singular, which
makes for a strange contrast.
Their axis of attack was along three narrow fronts, into which
an entire regiment of battlemechs was being thrown. The understrength 1st
Nerima Guards and a battalion of the 3rd Tomobiki Hussars under Lieutenant
Colonel Mendo was all she had with which to bar their way.
/.../
Searching for their attackers, she found a line of Combine 'mechs
setting up a defilade on a nearby ridge. They were artillery units for
the most part; Archers, Crusaders, Trebuchets, and Riflemen, with some
Hunchbacks and Centurions for close support. From their position on the
ridge, they could overlook the entire lava plain. In the weak gravity
and lack of atmosphere, weapon ranges were ten times longer than normal.
They could clobber almost anything they could see.
Not sure about using the term 'artillery' for the mechs in question as they
aren't true artillery mechs (now the Predator, carrying two Sniper artillery
pieces, is a true artillery mech ^_^); perhaps 'fire support units' might be
better.
The Combine fire company on the ridge did not notice her advance at
first, as they were trading salvos of missiles with her forward-positioned
One-Charlie Company as it broke cover and began to rush the ridgeline. Her
main gun trained slowly from her 'mech's hip onto the closest of the enemy,
a Rifleman that tracked the black sky above for a sign of the Confederation
fighters. The range indicator on her HUD slowly ticked off into the amber,
then the green.
Um, not notice an _Atlas_? One hundred tons of walking death? The largest thing
likely to appear on the battlefield? Let me tug on my suspenders of disbelief.
^_^
The 'Battle of Oni Ridge'? was one of the best pieces of descriptive writing
I've read in fanfic. Nice job.
With one more cycle of movement to go, she spied a large metalshod
foot step precariously close to the edge. Her Atlas reached out and grabbed
the battlemech's ankle, its massive fingers crushing through the weak armor
of a Trebuchet and snapping the actuator. The Combine war machine jerked
instinctively away from her grapple, but the Atlas was too strong to resist.
Kasumi thought her 'mech through the complicated series of motions necessary
to wrench the hapless Trebuchet off the cliff, and was rewarded by the flash
of a Furinkan Combine pineapple insignia painted on its torso as it flew
over her shoulder and crashed against the jagged rocks below.
Hehe, 'pineapple insignia' really does add a dose of depth to the piece.
The Trebuchet began to thrash violently on the lava plain, impaled
by a lance-like piece of basalt, and a victim of a slowly brewing ammunition
explosion. Kasumi was too busy clambering up the cliff to notice.
Um, I hate to point this out (actually, I love pointing these things out, but
you'd already guessed that, right?) but ammo explosions don't slowly brew;
they're pretty much all-or-nothing occurrences.
She was rewarded for her efforts by a dozen Combine 'mechs freezing
up in terror at the sight of her. The Atlas brought down a huge armored
fist onto the closest 'mech - a Hunchback. The 'mech tried to dodge the
well-aimed blow that was meant to knock out its powerful Tomodzuru Type-20
autocannon, and landed instead on the turret-like head. The Hunchback
'and it landed'
She took full advantage of this, stomping inexorably towards them
with the battered club held high. The grinning death's head of her Atlas
had been engineered to be as gruesome and frightening as possible, and the
sight of a 'mech that could literally rip any other battlemech apart with
its bare hands was enough to give even the bravest mechwarrior pause.
You know, the picture of Kasumi in an Atlas is a truly wonderful piece of
contrast - very nicely done.
"Keep trying to get in direct contact with General Tendo," he added.
His faithful Kasumi, shouldering the burden that he should have reserved
for himself! "Order her to make preparations to evacuate Base LIBERTY and
return with all remaining troops to Nerima. We'll make our last stand in
orbit and on the surface of the planet."
Good question. Why isn't Soun in charge on Oni? Yes, he's the symbol of the
Confederation and all, but this is the home system - the Grand Duke should be
out there fighting to protect his people, right?
"I'm very sorry, Miss Tendo, but your access to this area has been
rescinded."
Not Lady Nabiki? She is still the Chief of Intelligence; Miss Tendo sounds
strange.
Nabiki Tendo gave the soldier a cross look.
"On whose authority?" she demanded.
"Lady Kasumi, ma'am," the man answered coolly. "My orders are quite
explicit. I'm going to have to ask you to leave at once."
/.../
The sounds of doors opening and closing down the hall made her tremble
inside. They were coming for her. As her escorts approached, she wanted to
damn Ranma Saotome for her miserable fate, but that too would not come. It
was odd, but the more she thought about it, the more she realized that he
wasn't really responsible for her failure. It was her decision to respond
to the security breach in such a way as to violate procedure.
That last sentence seems to be a run-on.
It had been
her sloppy pursuit that had allowed them to get away on Lightoller. If she
had tarried even a few minutes to investigate the wreck of the ATV, she
would have discovered that both Saotomes had survived in time to finish
the job.
/.../
"<What?!>" he exclaimed. The chi exercises were good for getting the
blood flowing, and he was certain that his face was the perfect shade of
livid red. "<When and how?>" he demanded after a suitable period of silent
rage.
Suggest: ' after a suitable period for silent rage.' since he's acting the part.
"<It is obvious that Shampoo was able to escape with help from within
the garrison of the Fortress. I would not put it past even the Castellan
herself to have had a hand in this affair. Would that I had jurisdiction
on this world, I could begin an investigation into the matter, but lacking
that, I can only report this incident to higher authority.>" He stepped
to the mat where his cape lay. Lime hustled wordlessly over to him and
draped the shimmering green silk over his shoulders. "<Give notice to the
Captain of the _Demon-God of the East Wind_ that we shall raise ship as
scheduled.>"
'Toufuu no Majin' (With apologies to Roeder-san, but the sentence subject in
reversed in these instances).
She would need to be restrained from rash action. He needed to keep
Cologne in power for the moment. This would require a personal intervention
on his part, meaning that they would still have to Jump to the Jusenkyo
System. Once it was clear to Peony that his army was not at her exclusive
beck and call, and Cologne was coached to make vague threats about civil
war in the meantime, he would have the impasse he needed. If Peony balked
at his sudden lack of loyalty to her, that was all she could do. He didn't
need her nearly as much as she needed him.
With luck he would have enough time for Shampoo and Mousse to acquire
the data regarding Ryuugenzawa. He had a regiment of crack Musk Dynasty
troops standing by to deploy to any part of the Inner Sphere to take and
hold the legendary world long enough to loot it of all its secrets. Then
he could finally drop his charade of loyalty to the Joketsuzoku, and usher
in a new age for the Commonwealth: the Age of the Musk Dynasty, with himself
as its first Emperor.
You know, reading all this makes me believe the Amazons should really have been
placed in the role of the Federated Suns in the first place. Herb is the obvious
highly-placed traitor and would-be independent ruler in charge of the Capellan
March, and the Jusenkyo Labs have their analogue in the NAIS.
It just seems weird for them to be equated to the incompetent Lyrans, while the
competent Davions have been sacrificed to the altar of Asuza. Oh well, it is an
alt-BT uni, so I shouldn't reflect my prejudices so much. ^_^
"When do we leave?" she asked him.
The sound of a body hitting the floor outside the door to her quarters
followed her question.
perhaps 'punctuated her question'?
"Right this moment, Mistress," Sasuke replied with a faint smile.
/.../
Tatewaki could not believe his ears! He was within scant kilometers
of seizing his primary objectives on Oni, and then this!
'and now this'?
His cursed sister
had escaped, and now Hikaru Gosunkugi had the effrontery to attack the most
powerful nation in the sum of all human reckoning?
/.../
It was enough to make his blood boil and his teeth grate.
"It seems that we must answer this challenge to our sovereignty," he
said at length. "The Confederation is beaten; that much is obvious by our
great victories in battle this day. They shall keep for the nonce. It is
the head of Hikaru Gosunkugi that I hunger for now..."
Kuno: Ah, the beauteous Kasumi Tendo, or the villainous Hikaru Gosunkugi? I
would have them both!
She stood in the doorway to the Mess Hall, looking at the many still
forms lying beneath bedsheets, blankets, even formal capes and camouflage
panchos. The steady drip of blood and other fluids into sheet pans from
the kitchen that had been placed on the floor underneath them, echoed
hollowly in a room meant to serve hundreds. She walked silently among the
dead, passing a pale and bloody limb that had fallen out from under the
mortuary shroud here, or a long fall of once-lustrous green hair that
reached the floor over there.
You killed Lum!? Oh, the horror! ^_^
3. A question some of you might have is why the Furinkan Combine hasn't
been able to conquer the weak Nerima Confederation when it has so many
more troops at its disposal?
The answer is based on the following assumptions I have made. Some of it
is based on Battletech source materials, and some of it is based on
discussions from the Solaris 7 Battletech webpage on the matter of
troop dispositions in the Inner Sphere (circa 3060, so I had to tweak it
a bit.)
1) The Furinkan Combine has about eighty battlemech regiments of regular
forces, about fifteen mercenary regiments on retainer, and can muster about
ten regiments of reserves including civil defense 'mechs, retirees, and
so-called Category-B battlemechs which are damaged or obsolete. As I
mentioned in the story, the Confederation has about a quarter of the
Combine's military strength.
2) The Furinkan Combine shares two large borders with belligerent nations:
the Federated Shiratori, and the Jusenkyo Commonwealth. Given the disdain
of the Federated Shiratori by Tatewaki Kuno, and the relative incompetence
of Azusa's troops, the Combine details about ten regiments to garrison the
entire border march, and most of these are probably mercenary units.
The border with the Commonwealth is another matter. The Commonwealth has a
large and skilled battlemech force and only one hostile border to guard
since they are so cozy with the League of Five Nails. I assume that Kuno
would need at least thirty regiments within the Commonwealth border march
or held in ready reserve in the interior. Between the border guards alone,
that's about 40% of his available battlemechs.
3) The Furinkan Combine requires an internal garrison to protect against
deep enemy raids and to discourage the country's daimyo from any attempts
at a coup against the ruling Kuno family, and from any other internal strife
between the nobility. This requires another ten to twenty regiments, given
the vast amount of territory held by the Combine. Now we've tied up around
half to 60% of the Combine's available strength.
4) Not every regiment will be at effective strength, given the attrition of
combat and the slowly dwindling reserves of spare parts. (The present day
doctrine affirms that any unit at 50% strength or less is considered non-
effective.) I posit that at least one regiment in ten will be moved to the
interior for repairs, replacements, and training, as well as for rest and
relaxation after a difficult tour of duty. That's another eight to ten
regiments that are unavailable for a campaign, or about 60-70% of the
total strength.
5) That leaves only thirty to forty regiments at the *very most* that are
available for a campaign against the Confederation. Given the small size
of the Confederation, their handful of regiments becomes more significant
than mere numbers suggest, and the narrow front Kuno has available to
attack through means that they can concentrate their forces even more.
Add the home field advantage and the fact that they're fighting for their
lands and families, and the twenty or so regiments of the Confederation
become the fighting equal of the invading Combine forces.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!
Hmm, while I can accept most of your rationale here, there is one large logical
flaw in the whole argument that I feel I need to point out. Namely, the
Confederation also has to guard its borders and withhold nodal reaction forces
in the same manner as the Combine. After all, they have one border with a
belligerent nation (the League of Five Nails which has expressed an intent to
conquer them before), and even Federated Shiratori cannot be discounted from
making a naked land-grab for defenceless planets.
So ultimately the Confederation faces the same restrictions in deployable forces
as the Combine, which means they will still show a discrepancy in available
force weight. It doesn't really detract from the readability of the story, but
it is a point to consider.
Phil - technical details bring out the worst in me....