Here's a short piece I worked up over the weekend. Note: The lack of
capitalisation in the title is intentional. I dunno, it just seemed
appropriate.
C&C very much appreciated, as always. But really, I'd like to know what
people think of this story. I'm not quite sure what I think of it myself.
Disclaimer: What I own, I own. What I don't own, I don't own.
Spoiler Warning: This fic may or may not spoil Episode 24 of the series. If
in doubt...
This fic takes place some time after Episode 24, but before any of the
events of the movies, or Episodes 25
and 26.
common humanity
By Adrian Forest
Shinji sat in the kitchen of Misato's apartment. This was his home.
The only place he could call home, at least. But he didn't feel at
home here. There was too much here he didn't understand. Too much
he understood imperfectly, like the pages of a book seen through
warped lenses of glass.
'I killed him.'
Shinji looked at his right hand, tracing the lines of his palm with
his eye.
'I killed him.'
He closed the hand to a fist. Opened and closed it a few more
times. Closed it finally.
'He was my friend, and I killed him.'
White spots of zinc deficiency under the fingernails of his hand.
He heard the sound of the front door opening. The sounds of Misato
entering, distinguishable from the noises anyone else might make.
Little details like the way she took off one shoe, then closed the
door before removing the other, told him it was her.
She came into the kitchen, moving past him and into her own room.
Shinji ignored her. Sounds of her changing out of her uniform.
Shinji continued to stare at his fist. Now his eye traced the veins
in the heel of the palm. Down across the line of his wrist.
Branching like the limbs of a tree. The vital blood flowing through
them, blue now, bereft of oxygen.
'I killed him so... so easily.'
Fragile branches. Easily broken. Easily cut.
Misato emerged, hair tied back, but for the tresses she allowed to
hang down over her ears onto the yellow top she wore.
Shinji still ignored her.
"Shinji-kun?" She said.
He didn't answer.
"Is something wrong?" She said.
Of course there is.
She stared at him, but he continued to ignore her.
"You're still alive." She said.
But do I deserve to be?
She let out a sigh. Her shoulders slumped. "Why don't you take a
walk, Shinji-kun. Clear your head."
Outside in the Tokyo-3 morning. Shinji walked aimlessly along the
familiar streets.
What will you do now?
I don't know.
The Angels are gone now.
Then there's no more need for me to pilot EVA.
So what will you do?
I don't know.
The city is gone now.
I'll have to move somewhere else then.
Where will you go?
I don't know.
Do you want to do anything?
I don't know.
Do you want to go anywhere?
I don't know.
But you must make a choice. Life forces choices on us.
I don't want to choose.
Life forces choices on us.
But I don't want to choose. What if I choose wrong?
Then you live with the consequences of your choice.
What if I can't?
You must.
Must I?
A bird flew from a tree as Shinji passed. It was the first one he'd
seen since the city had been destroyed.
No. You don't have to.
There is a way. You don't have to live with the consequences.
I don't want to live with the consequences of my choices.
Then don't.
Yes. I don't want to choose. I don't want to have to choose.
Then don't.
I don't want to live with the consequences of choices I've made.
Then don't.
I won't.
Shinji kept walking along the street, not knowing why he walked
now. Why he kept walking. With nowhere to go.
"Look out kid!"
A loud noise blared at Shinji. He spun around to see where the
voice had come from, and a black shape crashed into him. He was
thrown to the ground, tumbling on the asphalt of the road. He
looked up, and wind buffeted him, the wind of a vehicle passing. A
giant longhauler, a steel juggernaut of a machine. Passing through
the space he had occupied only seconds before.
The black shape that had crashed into him sat up.
"Geez, kid! You should look before you cross the street!"
It was a man in a black, ankle-length coat. The man picked himself
up, brushing at the tan shirt he wore under the coat.
He ran a hand through his short, cropped, bleach white hair, and
adjusted the small gold-rimmed glasses he wore. He put his hand out
to help Shinji up. "You could have been killed there, you know. I
saw a boy, no older than you, I guess. Got hit by one of those
things. Fell over, went under the wheels. No-one even bothered to
call the paramedics. This kid was spread all over the road."
Shinji took the man's outstretched hand, and let himself be pulled
up.
"We need to get you something with a lot of sugar in it, kid.
Adrenaline, you know. Right now you're body's probably pumping out
enough adrenaline to power a small city. That stuff has to come
from somewhere. If you don't get some sugar, in about fifteen
minutes you won't be able to stand up. Come on, come with me."
Shinji followed, still in shock, of sorts.
I nearly died there.
But I wanted to die!
That was death. Did you really want that?
I... I don't know.
I... I thought I did...
But...
The man turned back to Shinji. "My name's Daniel Bryant, by the
way. I'm a freelance media consultant."
"What does that mean?"
Bryant grinned. "Means I'm unemployed at the moment, kid. What's
your name?"
"Ikari. Shinji Ikari."
Bryant looked surprised, but kept walking. "Oh? I thought you
looked familiar. I must have seen your picture in a dozen
newspapers since I got here."
They stopped in front of a drink machine. Bryant swiped a card
through the slot, and punched a button. He handed the can of Jolt
cola to Shinji. "There you go. More sugar in that than any other
food or drink. Except maybe children's breakfast cereals."
Shinji took the can, rather guardedly. He opened it, and took a
sip. He'd never tasted this stuff before.
"Come on, drink up. You need to get sugar in you."
Shinji took another sip. It wasn't bad. And it definitely tasted
sweet.
Bryant sat down on the bench next to the machine and pulled out a
pack of Manilan filter-tip cigarettes. He drew one out of the
packet, using very precise motions, not a single movement wasted.
He found a lighter and lit up. "You know, Ikari, these things are
illegal in Los Angeles. SoCal state law. But not here. I never
could figure out why."
Shinji still wasn't sure what to make of this man. "You... You're
from America?"
"Yup."
"Why..." Shinji didn't really know why he was asking. But it seemed
important. "Why did you do that? I mean... back there. You... you
pushed me out of the way of that truck. Why?"
Bryant looked at him strangely, like he was from another planet.
When he spoke, his voice was carefully flat. "That's a strange
question, kid."
Shinji felt awkward now. It was a stupid question. He didn't know
why he'd asked.
"I saved your life, kid. Now, I didn't know who you were at the
time. But you're the same Shinji Ikari who piloted an EVA, right?
You've saved the lives of myself and everyone else in this city, at
least a couple of times. Consider it a debt I repaid, if you want."
Bryant took another drag on his Manilan filter-tip, and looked up
at the sky. He let out the breath. Then he looked at Shinji again.
"No, fuck that. I didn't actually answer your question, did I?"
"It... It doesn't matter, really."
"Matters to me."
"O...Okay."
Bryant stubbed out the cigarette on the ground, and ground it with
the heel of his black combat boot. "But do you mind if I ask you a
question first?"
"N...No. Not really."
"Why did you do it? Why did you save our lives?"
Shinji looked away. "They told me to. I had to."
"But why did you do it? What did they do to make you do it?"
"They didn't really... I didn't really have to..."
"What did they do, hold a gun to your head? Even then, you still
have a choice. What made you choose to do it?"
"I... I don't really know."
Bryant looked at Shinji strangely again. Then he looked away, back
up at the sky. "Okay. You don't have to answer if you don't want
to. I guess I saved your life because you're human, Shinji Ikari.
Maybe you did the same."
"Because I'm human? W-what do you mean?"
"You're human, kid. You're another human being. I saw another human
being in danger. That's why I saved you, kid. Common humanity."
"R-really?" Shinji was confused.
"Yup."
Bryant pulled up the right sleeve of his jacket, exposing the
inside of his elbow. "Look at this, kid."
Shinji looked at the small black tattoo. The letters 'HIV+', and
another smaller set of letters below that. 'NC932879'.
"You know what that means, kid? Means I die one day soon."
Shinji swallowed.
"I'm not particularly fussed about it though. Everyone dies. But
that's not the point." He rolled the sleeve back down, hiding the
tattoo. "Point is, kid, the human race is a lot like a virus. But
we have something no other species on this planet has. That
something is a concern for other members of the species. A concern
that goes above and beyond what is necessary simply for the
survival of the species. That's something we all share. That is our
common humanity, Shinji Ikari."
Bryant stood up. "I've got things to do, kid. I gotta go. You
should get home, if you don't have to do anything else. Rest is
probably a good idea."
"Okay."
"Kid, I got the feeling earlier that you... How shall I put
this... That you weren't particularly concerned for your own life.
Maybe that's why you nearly got run over before. I might be just
imagining things here, though. I might be crazy. But if I'm right,
listen to me. I've seen death, kid. I'm due to see death for the
final time within the next eighteen months. Believe me, kid. Death
is not what you want. What you want, kid, is life."
Shinji stared up at him, truly seeing the man for the first time.
He was skinny. Far skinnier than anyone that height should really
be. For the first time he saw that the clothing the man wore wasn't
really as loose as it should have been to hang that much. For the
first time he noticed the hollowness in the man's face, the shadows
where his cheeks should have been, the unnatural paleness of his
skin. And for the first time, Shinji Ikari saw death. And for the
first time he knew, really knew, as much as he had ever believed
he could know anything, that that wasn't what he wanted.
Bryant smiled. "See you 'round, kid."
He walked off, the black coat swaying with each step.
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Author's Notes
This story was inspired by many things, not the least of which are
two experiences in my own life: A recent 'brush with death' caused
by a car left without its brakes on, and meeting people with
HIV/AIDS at a clinic I visited several years ago. This last, along
with the movie 'Philadelphia', provided most of the material for
the last section.
In the passage where Misato talks to Shinji, just before she tells
him he should take a walk, the dialogue and Shinji's thoughts are
taken almost verbatim from the lyrics of the 'Pearl Jam' song
'Alive' (from the 'Vs.' album). I just heard the song one day and
realised how well the lyrics fit that period in the Evangelion
series.
As with most of my work, even this is not without a reference or
two to one of my greatest literary idols, William Gibson. Daniel
Bryant refers to cigarette smoking being outlawed in the state of
SoCal (South California). This is taken from the novel 'Idoru'.
And to anyone silly enough to still be thinking this, after all
that, no, Daniel Bryant is not, repeat
*not* an SI character.
WinAmp(TM) is now playing: Moby-Run On
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"Gott ist in seinem Himmel, alles gut mit der Welt"
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Check out EVA 2055 at:
http://www.geocities.com/dalziel_86/index2.htm
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"Misato Katsuragi? You want to know the truth about NERV?
My name is Neo. I think I can help you. But it won't be
what you expected."
(Yes, I ripped this idea. Whoever's it was, hey, it was too
cool not too!)
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