Hoo-boy! Ucchan, I hope you know what you started, you naughty lil'
okonomiyaki chef, you...
ANIME NIGHT LIVE!!!!!
(Original concept by Ukyo Kuonji)
This skit is Dave Menard's fault. Flame HIM.
Based on characters and situations created by Rumiko
Takahashi, Lorne Michaels, Mike Myers, Dana Carvey,
Pioneer/AIC, Kenichi Sonoda, and many more.No profit has
been or ever will be made off this, so lawyers, chill out.
TITLE CARD:A Production of Cable Public Access of Aurora
Illinois. Cut to:
[Scene: A suburban basement. Two long-haired teenagers are
sitting on a couch and chair laid out in imitation of the
standard late-night talk show arrangement. Crunchy, badly-
played guitar riffs explode out onto the soundstage.]
WAYNE+GARTH: Wayne's World! Wayne's World! Party Time!
Excellent! Woo woo woow woo!!!!!
WAYNE:(Setting aside his guitar and brushing loose hair back
under his hat) Okay! Welcome to Wayne's World! I'm your host
Wayne Campbell, and this is Garth-
GARTH:(Weedily) Hi Wayne...
WAYNE: Okay! We've got a treat for you tonight; I've invited
my new girlfriend to make a special appearance on the show.
Maybe you've heard of her... Priss Asagiri!!!
GARTH: No way!
WAYNE: Way! Let's bring her down...
WAYNE+GARTH: Wayne's World! Wayne's World! Wayne's girlfriend!
Priss Asagiri! Wooo Wooo Wooo Wooooo!!!!
{As the boys go crazy, Priss descends the staircase into the
basement, looking a little confused. To the accompaniment of
cheers from the studio audience, Priss sits down on the couch
between the boys, nodding politely to the crowd.]
PRISS: Uhh, Hi?
[The studio audience, obviously packed with Replicants fans,
goes nuts, cheering wildly. Wayne and Garth nod cheerily.]
GARTH: Wow... You're really Wayne's girlfriend?
PRISS: Umm...(Glances out at the cue-cards, and begins
woodenly, obviously not an actress) Yeah, yeah that's it.
(Glances around) Uh, mind if I smoke?
WAYNE: Go for it!
PRISS:(sparking up)Thanks...
GARTH: So, Wayne... How did you meet this excellent babe?
(Priss scowls at the "babe" comment but says nothing, merely
exhaling smoke through her nostrils)
WAYNE: Well, that's an interesting story, Garth... It all
happened last night, when I checked out a new club downtown...
(Wayne and Garth begin waving their arms around in a wiggly
motion, saying "Diddlidoo! Diddlidoo! Diddlidoo!" The scene
begins to dissolve into a-)
FLASHBACK: We're at the bar at Hot Legs. Priss and the
Replicants are kicking out "Konya Wa Hurricane", and the crowd
is moshing away. A clever eye will discern that this is merely
recycled footage from the concert scene in the first BGC OVA
episode. An obviously blue-screened-in Wayne is in the crowd,
headbanging crazily.
WAYNE: Wow! Here I am at Hot Legs... What a cool club! Why
does everyone have such big eyes..?
(His eyes focus in on Priss in her leathers and blonde fright
wig, howling out the chorus. All of a sudden, the view goes
soft-focus. Little sparklies and hearts and flowers surround
Priss. "Konya Wa Hurricane" fades away, to be replaced by the
saccharine, 70's strains of "Dream Weaver" The camera swings
back around to Wayne, who is staring at Priss with a slack-
jawed, dazed expression.)
WAYNE:(giving a mighty pelvic-thrust) SCHWINGGGG!!!
(Suddenly, there is a crash, and the music stops dead. The
crowd, including Wayne, spin to see a Boomer ripping its way
out of its own skin at the bar, a drink being crushed in one
steely fist. It spins, photoelectric eyes blazing red, and
points at Wayne.)
BOOMER: YOU!!
WAYNE: (swallows hard) ...me?
(The Boomer nods and advances. Total pandemonium breaks out as
the crowd breaks for the exits, screaming in terror. Wayne is
swept along with them. The Boomer roars in frustration and
pursues, firing into the crowd.
In several feats of amazing dexterity -accompanied by
speedlines- Wayne dives, rolls, weaves and bobs through the
crowd, all the while narrowly escaping being perforated by the
Boomer's guns or particle beam. In a slow-motion dive and roll
worthy of a John Woo film, Wayne flings himself out the door
of the club, coming to his feet next to the door of the
Mirthmobile, his flame-accented powder-blue AMC Pacer. He
throws open the door, jumps in, starts the car and peels out
onto the street, heading for the freeway.
The Boomer, bellowing horribly, plows out of Hot Legs in
a titanic explosion that takes out several civilians and a
fair amount of property. Seeing it's quarry escaping, the
Boomer opens it's back-mounted thrusters and gives chase. The
camera cuts away to the Mirthmobile, where Wayne is hunched
over the wheel, giving occasional glances back over his
shoulder at the pursuing robot.)
WAYNE:(Looks at the camera) Didja ever feel like Linda
Hamilton?
(The chase continues, the Mirthmobile miraculously avoiding
short-range-missiles and particle beam blasts in feats of
automotive derring-do worthy of Bean Bandit. Finally, Wayne's
luck gives out, and a particle beam hits the tricked-out Pacer
in the rear fender, sending the compact car barrelling ass-
over-teakettle down the highway, bouncing off the tarmac with
blood-curdling crunches. Twenty bounces later, the vehicle
comes to a stop, upside down and blazing merrily.
Against all odds, the drivers' side door creaks open,
disgorging Wayne, only slightly singed and blackened.
Coughing, he stumbles to his feet, beating out small fires on
his person with his hat.)
WAYNE: Aw, man! Good thing I was wearing a seatbelt!
(With a wash of thruster jets, the Boomer descends, no
more than ten feet away from our hero. The mad machine
chuckles mechanically, bringing its shoulder-mounted cannon to
bear on the hapless teenager. Wayne swallows hard, but strikes
a defiant pose.)
WAYNE: Dammit! I'm *not* Sarah Conner! Leave me alone!
BOOMER: (Blinks once in confusion, then shakes its head and
continues)Chairman Quincy wants you dead...
WAYNE: Huh? The Coroner dude? What'd I ever do to him?
(The Boomer is prevented from retorting by the fortuitous
arrival of... Da-da-da-daaaaa! The Knight Sabers!!! Sabers
White and Pink take up guard positions between Wayne and the
Boomer, while Sabers Green and Blue engage the insane robot.
An amazing combat ensues, full of explosions, speedlines,
and mechanically-assisted spectacular leaps. Finally, the
Boomer is defeated by Saber Blue, moments before it was to
land a killing blow on Wayne.)
WAYNE: (Opening his eyes, amazed that he isn't dead) Wha..?
Hey! You saved me! (His eyes travel up the sleek, form-fitting
hardsuit, lingering on the moulded metal breasts.) And you're
a babe!
(Wayne leaps into the surprised arms of Saber Blue,
batting his eyelashes coquettishly)
WAYNE: My Heroine!!
(A sweatdrop appears on Saber Blue's brow, as the scene
dissolves back to Wayne's basement, ending the flashback.
Wayne is grinning madly, Garth looks impressed, and Priss is
holding her head in her hands, groaning.)
WAYNE: So, anyway, that's how we met. Pretty cool, huh?
GARTH: There's only one thing I can say, Wayne...
WAYNE: What's that, Garth?
(Garth prostrates himself at Priss' feet, bowing and scraping)
GARTH: I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!
(Wayne joins him in his adoration of Miss Asagiri)
WAYNE: We're worms!
GARTH: We're scum!
WAYNE: We suck!
(Priss, blushing horribly, drags the prostrate twosome to
their feet.)
PRISS: Geez, get UP, you weirdoes...
WAYNE: (Recovering nicely) Okay! That brings us to the
highlight of our show... The Top Ten Anime Babes Of All Time!
WAYNE+GARTH: Wayne's World! Wayne's World! Top Ten! Anime
Babes! Woo Wooo Wooo Wooooo!!!!!
(The boys produce a large piece of bristol board, with little
pull-out panels numbered in descending order from ten to one.
Priss just looks embarrassed to be there)
WAYNE: Okay! We all know that the main reason guys watch Anime
is because of all the cute chicks, am I right?
(The audience cheers, Wayne nods.)
WAYNE: Right! So, As a public service, Garth and I have made a
list of the... Uhhh.. What's the word? Kay-way?
PRISS;(Muttering) Kawaii.
WAYNE: Right! Kawaii-est babes in Anime. Ready?
GARTH: (Bouncing excitedly in his seat) You bet!
WAYNE: Okay! Number Ten...(Garth beats out a drumroll on his
thighs) Kodachi Kuno!!
GARTH: She's a babe!
WAYNE: Totally!
GARTH: Sometimes, I have this dream, where I'm at school, and
I'm naked, and Kodachi whips me with her ribbons, and I-
WAYNE: (pulling off a remarkably competent sweatdrop for a
non-anime character)Okay! On to number nine!
GARTH: But I wasn't finished my story...
WAYNE: Yes, you were. Number nine...(drumroll) Ryoko Hakubi!
GARTH: Yeah, she's a babe.
WAYNE: Definitely.
GARTH: If she was a President, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln.
WAYNE: Uh-huh. On to number eight!
GARTH: Okay! (pulls the tab marked "8") Ami Mizuno, a.k.a.
Sailor Mercury!
WAYNE: Whoa! Schwing! I LOVE girls who're smarter than me!
PRISS:(muttering) Wouldn't be hard...
WAYNE: Huh?
PRISS: A sphincter says what?
WAYNE: What?
PRISS: Exactly.
GARTH: Whoa! Good one, Priss! Okay! Number seven! (pulls tab)
Ranma Saotome!
VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE: I'm a GUY dammit! (sounds of scuffling)
Lemme at 'em! I'll kill the little freaks!
WAYNE:(glancing nervously into the wings) Uh, okay! Number
six! (muttering) Quickly, quickly... (Garth pulls the tab)
Priss Asagiri!
PRISS:(Looking up, alarmed) What?!
WAYNE: Totally a babe!
GARTH: (looking down Priss' loose tank top) Definitely!
(Sniffles, trying not to nosebleed)
PRISS:(Angrily) Next! Now!
WAYNE: Right! Number Six! (pulls tab) A tie! Anipuma and
Unipuma!
GARTH: Rowr!
WAYNE: Purrrrr...
GARTH: Okay! Number Five! (pulls tab) Akane Tendo!
MALE VOICE FROM BACKSTAGE: HA! Yeah, RIGHT!
FEMALE VOICE FROM BACKSTAGE: RANMA NO BAKA!!!!!
(Crunching and pounding sounds can be heard from the wings.
Wayne, Garth and Priss wince with each impact.)
WAYNE: Uhhh, maybe we'd better move along to number four...
GARTH: Okay... (pulls tab)Sylia Stingray!
PRISS: Bwa-ha-ha-ha!!! (Stop, thinks for a minute) Wait a
minute. You rated that cold fish higher than me?!
WAYNE: Garth! Pull number three!
GARTH: Okay... (pulls) Shampoo!
WAYNE: Wow. She's _such_ a babe.
GARTH: She bounces...
WAYNE: If she were a cereal, she'd be magically babe-licious!
GARTH: Good one, Wayne!
WAYNE: Thanks, Garth! Now, on to number two! (pulls tab) Rei
Hino!
GARTH: She makes me feel funny... Like when I'm climbing a
rope in gym class...
WAYNE: You gotta love the Catholic Schoolgirl uniform...
GARTH: And the tongue...
WAYNE: (Blinking) Oh-kayyy... Anyway, The number one babe in
all of anime is...
(Garth gives a drumroll)
WAYNE: Astrogirl!
PRISS:(Angrily) What?! A ROBOT?! That's sick. I'm outta here.
(Priss stomps up the stairs and off-stage)
WAYNE: (sighs) Ah, well. She was only a six... That's all for
tonight folks! I'm Wayne Campbell, this is Garth Algar, and
we'll see you next time on...
WAYNE+GARTH: Wayne's World! Wayne's World! Party Time!
Excellent!!! Woo Woo Woo Woooooo!!!!!!
THE END (Thank GOD!)
Dave Menard
-------------------------------------
Fanfiction page:
http://spghome.tripod.com/