This is kinda late, but better that than never. :)
I only skimmed over the other C&C on this, so I'll probably end up doing a lot
of duplication.
"DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:
Thor and Raiden Present:
Lessons on Why It's Bad to Play With Electricity
Theme music by REO Speedwagon: "Raiden the Storm Out"
An Ranma 1/2/Avengers (the superhero group) fusion
DIANA RIGG: Oh, the superhero group. Darn. I thought for a moment that....
Should be 'A' rather than 'An'; 'Ranma' doesn't start with a vowel sound.
Standard Disclaimer: Hell, no. I don't own any of the characters. Marvel
and whomever Takahashi sold the rights to do.
TAKAHASHI: Could I have them back? I'll pay you back the money you gave me....
SHOGAKUKAN: No way!
The blue carona of energy around Raiden faded as he drew nearer to his
corona
Asgardian opponent. Instead, the glow of force moved from his body and
"Instead" doesn't seem like the right connector here, unless you add something
like "Rather than simply vanishing"....
gathered around his hands while more electricity flowed from his eyes, a
sign of his anger and his inability to fully control that emotion. "I
warned you never to set foot upon this island again, yet you have brazenly
disregarded my warning, all but begging me to come. Well you have
THORKANE: Weren't you already on this island?
RAIDEN: Well, yes.
THORKANE: Then how can you come if you're already here?
RAIDEN: Shut UP!
Thor recoiled at that memory. Not the specifics --thankfully those seemed
to have been lost-- but there was one disturbing fact that was inescapable:
Kitsune had most definitely been female. Very foxlike, but also
definitively female.
That's what you think. It was actually Shippo from InuYasha.
SHIPPO: Ha ha! Fooled you!
"But I'm not a pervert!" Thor shouted to herself.
RANMA: So you fancy guys, then? Like me?
THORKANE: No way! I told you, I'm not a pervert!
RANMA: But you said that fancying females would make you a pervert.
THORKANE: Um... I'm opposed to *any* kind of fancying.
The next exchange the two deities of thunder shared was one of blows rather
than words. Raiden connected with a fist to Thor's gut first, moving far
more quickly than the larger Goddess of Thunder. A gasp of breath escaped
Thor's lips from the force of the blow, but it was far from enough to
prevent the retaliatory punch from her as she successfully landed a blow in
Raiden's upper chest. The Japanese God of Thunder was sent back several
feet from the force of the impact.
You've used the word "Blow" three times in this paragraph. Okay, these gods have
the ability to summon winds, but still....
"Flattery will achieve naught for thee," Thor said as she charged her
opponent. The quick knockout she had hoped for never came as Raiden blocked
her incoming blow with a wide arc by his right hand. That let Thor's
midsection briefly open as Raiden used his blinding speed to strike his
opponent dozens of times. Individually the blows had little force behind
them, but the sheer number of hits, and the nerve centers of the body they
struck, caused Thor to recoil back. Raiden was quick to follow up with a
more powerful flying leap kick that centered again on Thor's chest. This
time Thor was propelled through the air and across the street, completely
destroying the door of the car that arrested her flight.
Ah, must've been a police car.
An uru mallet flew forth from the wreckage of the car, sailing through the
air leaving a trail of energy as its head glowed a dull orange full of
power.
At first this parsed as "glowed a (dull orange full of power)" and I wondered
what the heck that meant.
GOSUNKUGI: At last I've obtained the dull orange! Now to peel it and release its
power!
Suggest rewording this somehow. Maybe 'sailing through the air, a backwash of
energy trailing from its orange-glowing head.' Er... or something. :)
Raiden appeared less self-assured as he pried himself from the wreckage of
the store. He had forgotten how powerful Mjournir could be. But he was not
Mjolnir
without weapons of his own. Summoning the power of the storms, and turning
the current rain into a true tempest,
So the rain is increasing in intensity? Some further description to make this
point would be nice.
Cloaked in shadows nearby, Xellos found himself agreeing with the Goddess
of Thunder. It had been his dearest hope that Raiden, whom he had warned of
Thor's presence through an anonymous document delivered to his castle in
the realm above, would prove more than sufficient to finish off Thor. After
all, was not the Japanese god fighting within the lands where he had been
worshiped? Surely upon his native soil he would be at his most powerful and
worshipped, I think.
The diversion distracted Thor and allowed Raiden a chance to recover.
Seeing the opportunity before him, Raiden shifted the godly energy within
his body, causing a blue aura to form around him once again. Mentally
forcing the energy from him, Raiden shot forward and into the air, defying
gravity as his body flew parallel with the ground like a living shaft of
lightening,
lightning. (Lightening is the process of becoming lighter.)
Doesn't Raiden have any scruples about winning through what's obviously
someone's trickery rather than his own prowess? Not too proud, is he.
Hawkeye blinked some of the water from the deluge out of her eyes as she
kept her next blast arrow trained on him. "The name's Hawkeye, pal. I don't
know what your game is, but I saw your hand glow and then the street
attacked that gaijin goddess over there. Considering she was fighting those
bad guys earlier, I'm going to assume she's on my side and you're not, even
if she is fighting Raiden. So that means you're going to put your hands up
or the next arrow goes someplace less pleasant than the street."
"The enemy of my enemy's enemy is my enemy" strikes me as kind of a dumb
attitude. She might be more likely to see this guy casting nasty spells and
demand that he explain what the heck he's doing.
Reflexively Hawkeye looked down at her arrow only to see that the man had
spoken the truth. Somehow her shaft had turned into a green serpent that
was even now going from a long, rigid line to a loose wiry thing that
attempted to coil itself around her arm. Hawkeye screamed in surprise and
tried to throw the creature away, but was too late as it wrapped around her
arm and began to slither its way up the appendage. Hawkeye fell to the
ground in a desperate effort to pry the creature off her and cast it away.
This description is too blase for the scene. We're told that she's screaming
desperately, but the tone and style of the paragraph don't convey that at all.
Xellos widened his hands, creating a glowing golden circle in the air that
was three times as large as Bucky's shield. Within it, the redhead could
see something moving, as though the circle was some sort of viewscreen
instead of just a glowing... whatever it was.
The high pitched cry of Xellos' melodious incantation filled the air as he
cried out, "I summon the most powerful of Trolls, he who was once the bane
VOICE FROM PORTAL: This is Gubby-chan. Sorry I'm not in right now, but if you'd
like to leave a message....
XELLOKI: Darn it!
With the crescendo of Xellos' incantation complete, and one last elaborate
wave of his hand, the glow within the disc disappeared and the scene in it
became clear. Bucky could see that beyond the edge of the circle was what
appeared to be an enormous cavern that was larger than any that could
possibly exist on Earth. Stalactites and stalagmites seemed to be as
gigantic as small houses, and there was the movement of many squat,
powerful-looking orange skinned creatures within the caverns. The most
orange-skinned
"Ulik was busy, so he asked me to fill in for him." The troll beat his fist
proudly against his chest. "My name is Ulos, The Pretty Damn Powerful. I'm
Ulik's little brother."
Actually, I seem to remember that Ulik actually *did* have a brother, who fought
against Adam Warlock in one issue. Can't remember what his name was, though.
In response, Ulos pulled out a set of huge metal knuckles from a pocket on
his vest. He put them on, then beat them together, producing a shower of
sparks and a resounding ring that was loud enough to be heard over the
peals of thunder. "Would you like them dismembered, pulverized, or torn in
half?"
"Your choice." Xellos indicated the redhead before them.
ULOS: Huh? All I see is this chick here.
XELLOKI: That's who I mean. Sorry, only gods can notice the hair color. It's an
anime thing.
Almost casually Ulos drew his fist back, confident that the mortal would be
casually, Ulos
too terrified at his fearsome presence to move. So slow was both he and the
blow that Bucky was able to throw a punch of her own first, connected
Um... that's confusing. Suggest just 'So slow was his blow that....'
Ulos blinked. "Hey now, I actually felt that." His face scrunched up in
irritation as he moved towards his agile opponent once again
Period.
Raiden rained a blinding series of blows upon Thor. From the moment he had
connected with his human missile attack, he finally possessed the advantage
in the fight. The sheer number of his blows were wearing her down, and Thor
found the pain starting to effect her. Truly this fight with a fellow god
affect
But not at this moment. This was what life was meant to be like. The smell
of sweat and blood as the rain poured down and the heavens roared. This was
a battlefield, and to the winner would go a richly deserved victory against
a worthy foe. It was something Thor desperately wanted to achieve.
That last line sounds oddly... um, minimal. Like it's not saying anything that's
not obvious already.
"You're a woman!" Raiden gasped as the staff's course was arrested directly
above Thor's prone form.
Whereas Raiden might have been surprised by Thor's current gender, the
Um... haven't we already established that he *was* in fact surprised by it?
Raiden gave her a menacing glare, saw her flinch a little, then smiled. He
^^
Extra space.
was barely able to contain his mirth as he said, "This new form of yours is
disgustingly appropriate, oh Goddess of Thunder.
AKANE: Thank you... I think.
I now give you permission
to operate in my lands at your leisure. I will raise no hand against or to
assist you, so do not request help from me. You shall meet only silence."
Suggest 'I will raise my hand neither to oppose nor assist you,' (to make the
symmetry work)
A haze of red cast over Xellos' vision as he watched Raiden fly up to the
clouds on his pole of lightning. How dare that arrogant Japanese god refuse
to be manipulated by him into killing Thor! That arrogant popinjay was
going to ruin everything. It had taken Xellos nearly three weeks after
learning of Thor's predicament before he was able to come up with a plan to
eliminate the god-become-goddess without his hand showing in the
machinations. Recovering the Masques of Hagalla had taken nearly two months
on their own, and now it was all about to come to an end with that damnable
Thor coming out of it none the worse for wear.
The Masques of Hagalla? Whutthaheck's that, and what's it have to do with
anything here?
But there yet remained one way of salvaging everything and still be able to
pin Thor's demise on Raiden. The air was still tinged with the duo's
battle, and even Thor's mortal form would still be charged with Raiden's
unique godly magics. Xellos' hand glowed blue as he magically prepared to
summon a blast of electricity to complete the job Raiden should have
finished on his own. Death by lightning. Assuming Odin or some other god
investigated the demise of Thor, they would immediately assume it was the
Japanese god of thunder's work and would seek vengeance upon him rather
than the true culprit. Xellos' hands would be clean of any wrongdoing. He
aimed his hand at Akane' unprotected back. It was perfect.
^^
Extra space.
Or it was perfect right up until the moment a powerful hand clamped around
his throat from behind and threw him hard into a wall, disrupting the
^^
And another.
Sif's blade remained where it was. "Thou dost know the All Father's edict
All-Father
"Please call me Xellos for now," he quickly interrupted. "I wouldn't want
it to get out who I really am, and you never know who might be listening.
Some that know me in this form might not take kindly to my real identity."
XELLOKI: And please tell the C&Cer to stop referring to me as "Xelloki" in these
silly bits. I am most decidedly not a cabbit.
GARY: Sorry.
XELLY: Thank you.
Sif stared at the residual glow until it vanished, then turned her
attention back to the street. Even from her position in the side alley, she
could see the lame mortal discover the enchanted walking stick among the
debris of the street and caress the wooden staff in ways that reminded Sif
of a much taller man who caressed her with much the same affection. Who
who had caresed
The goddess turned to leave, fearful of what she might do if she remained.
She only hoped the one she still loved would weather this trial somehow,
even if it meant they would never be rejoined again.
'never be rejoined', or 'never be joined again'. (Unless they'd been separated
and rejoined before, or Sif happens to be the Goddess of Redundancy Goddess.)
Bucky felt pleased with the way the fight was going. The poison from Wolf
Masks' bite had long since faded and now she was kicking the ugly guy's
Mask's (unless the guy's name was "Wolf Masks")
"Toldya so," Bucky smirked as she hopped up and down while holding the same
so." (He's not smirking the line, merely smirking.)
"Yeah!" Bucky gave a 'V for Victory' sign with her fingers as she stood
over her fallen foe. A clean victory. It felt good. Real good, especially
with how miserably her fight with the Hulk went. The five idiots in the
the hulk had gone. (it was prior to the current moment in narration)
That errant thought reminded Bucky of who she had been protecting in the
first place. After looking around in a panic, the masked heroine found
Nabiki lying on one of the few unbroken portions of the street, along with
^^
... and another...
the five members of the Mask Gang. All of them appeared unharmed, save for
a little singeing on the gang. Bucky considered them lucky for getting off
^^
And another.
RANMA: On the gang? What part of the body is that?
NABSY: I think he means that the gang members were singed.
RANMA: Singed members? Ouch! That's gotta hurt!
NABSY: *sigh*
"WAKE UP DAMNIT!" Bucky shouted as she shook Nabiki like a rag doll, but
UP,
Also, it's usually written as either DAMN IT or DAMMIT.
"Some debris falling over," Bucky said quickly as she grabbed the ten yen
piece before Nabiki spotted it. The redhead might not have been the
cheapskate her father was, but she was not the sort to give money away
without good cause.
NABBY: I ain't no ten yen ho', ya know.
Bucky flinched. There was something about the way the archer said that that
itched the back of her mind. She looked the superheroes over more closely.
itched at the back of
(Contrary to what David said, "Itched" *is* a verb. As in "Those mosquito bites
I had last week really itched." It does not, however, take
an object.)
He didn't seem familiar. "What's your name, pal?"
Hawkeye was taken aback by how intently the redhead in the odd costume was
looking at her. Still, as somewhat rude as the question was, they had saved
each other's lives, and taking offense at that would seem a bit uncalled
for. "The name's Hawkeye."
"Hawkeye," Bucky said slowly. No way! It couldn't be him. That was too much
to believe. It had to be a coincidence.
RANMA: You mean you're that wacky doctor from the Korean war who....
UKEYE: NO!
"Praise the All Father," Thor softly intoned as she made certain every part
All-Father,"
Thor stood next to Bucky, placing herself slightly between the redhead and
archer. "Thou should keep thy tempestuous ways to thyself, harlot."
Does Akane know that this is Ranma? I can't remember.
The wheels of Nabiki's mind began turning as she went to find her sister
and boy who would never be her fianc�,
Period. And you probably shouldn't use Unicode characters, as not every platform
reads them; just use 'fiance.'
Ranma finished up saying, "So you see, pop. I need a reasonable excuse as
Pop. (caps)
*I agree wholeheartedly.* Genma-panda signed.
wholeheartedly,* (he's signing the words, not just signing)
*A terrible plan boy. They'll never buy it.*
plan, boy.
Ranma continued to stalk menacingly towards his father. "Now come on, pop.
Pop. (caps)
The man sat back on the lounge chair, enjoying the rays of the sun beating
down upon him. Truly that travel agent was correct when he claimed this Rio
agent had been correct
But now Thor was back, and it was just the sort of thing to liven the man's
day. It would be good for the two of them to reunite and make many more
memorable events between them. Thor was always good for a round of heavy
drinking and the occasional wenching. Sometimes a friendly fight or two. He
wasn't as good as the man was at it, but then no one was. It would be good
to hang out with a fellow immortal once again. Yes. Thor would be in his
near future very soon.
I agree with David that you're overusing "the man."
Just as he was about to get up and arrange flight reservations, Hercules
eyed several shapely forms saunter down the beach, one of the vixens
lowering her sunglasses as she walked past, obviously basking in his godly
presence. As he got up, he decided he would visit Japan once he was done
with a few more parties. Then he could meet his old comrade-in-arms and
they could renew their association once again. There was such a thing as
There were such things as
priorities, after all. But soon he would head out for that little island in
the Pacific.
Very soon.
HERC: Yep, the Herc is BACK! And I even have a beard in this one like I should.
Zeus only knows how that long-haired, clean-shaven guy managed to get cast as
me. Oh, I tell ya....
Xellos burst out laughing again.
"What's so funny?" the short red-haired girl that was standing a few feet
away asked.
LINA: Which incredibly over-used stock tagline are we going to use in this
scene, Xel?
XELLY: That is a... ahhhhh, you know.
Gary