The cyclonic winds of the Hiryu Shoten Ha slowly began to die down, and
the bystanders slowly began to clap.
Use of 'slowly' twice in the same sentence? <:) How 'bout replacing the
second one with 'reluctantly,' if that is the case? Or maybe "As the
cyclonic winds of the Hiryu Shoten Ha slowly began to die down, the
bystanders slowly began to clap"?
Ryoga briefly stuck out his toungue at the Amazon warrior, who began to
Isn't it 'tongue' as opposed to 'toungue'? I don't know--yours could be
an alternate spelling... Yup. Use the spell-checker. The spell-checker
is your FRIIIIEEEND. ;)
"Hai, sensei," Ryoga bowed respectfully.
Ryouga didn't say it, so I don't think you need that comma inside the
quotation marks. '"Hai, sensei." Ryouga bowed respectfully.' ought to be
fine.
"Hey, I may not be a genius or nothin', but I do get some good ideas
Maybe 'genius or anything' instead?
had encamped. "You know, I thnik the cave where I learned the Shi Shi
SPEEEEEEEEELL CHEEEECKER.
as he helped Akari into the cave. He .grimaced as the residual
depression
Why the period before the end of the sentence? <:) It's right before
'grimaced.'
from his previous visit washed over him. "Yes, this is definatly it."
Again, use of the spell-checker would be good for your writing. :) So as
not to be redundant, I won't stick up any more reminders for you to SPELL
CHECK, okay?
You can't even do your own signature technique right on the first try.
Hee hee. :)
This one came about after reading the Shi Shi Hokoudan storyline and a
few continuation fanfics where Ryoga gets his life somewhat together but
still throws around Shi Shi Hokoudans like they're going out of style.
Please let me know how you like it.
Mmm. I like the prose. It seems like the real point of this story is
Ryouga's not-being-depressed-anymore (and I can see why :)), and that he
can use the Mokou Takabisha. It just seems to me that there should be
More, though... That's just my opinion, anyway. ^_^;
Nibun