At 16:05 -0400 01/07/00, Alan Harnum wrote:

Just in time for Canada Day, it's a tasteful

  Tastes like poutine?  :P

 and patriotic tribute to
one of the pressing national issues facing Canada today.  No, wait,
that's something else.  Certainly not this.

  Well, not *all* of us are rabid Separatists.  I know I'm not, but still, to leave such a fic untouched by someone who actually lives in Quebec...

  That'd be a crying shame.

  Let it be known that while I'm a Quebecois, I'm not above making fun of French-Canadians when it suits the mood...  :)

Which was all very well, except that the little princess was so taken
by the prince that she decided to get back at the other children, not
by making her father's kingdom free once more, but by making it
French!

  <Phoenix sniggers>

But was that such a good idea, mes enfants?

  On va bien voir, non?  :)

Sovereignty-association concept devised but never really defined by
le Parti québécois

  WORD!  <snigger>

Young Touga [VO]: Cheese curds! And gravy--on french fries! Why...
these Quebecois are culinary geniuses!

  Indeed we are!

   <Phoenix looks behind him and sees his sister blindly grab everything in the cupboard and shove in a pot at MAX heat>

  We're the greatest cooks in the world!

Nanami: That's just how it will be! [laughs gleefully] But...
[Suddenly collapses to her knees on the table, dropping the books,
with tears streaming down her face] Not one book in the Kiryuu
library has a recipe for poutine!

  Of course.  The exact recipe for poutine is kept in a series of super-secret igloos where it's so damn cold you need a nuke just to open the front door.

  That's during the summer, of course.

[Utena and Anthy are sitting under a random tree at Ohtori, where
Utena, Anthy and Wakaba are having lunch. Anthy has brought her
beautiful lacquered lunch box, full of gravy-soaked French fries
covered in melted cheese curds.]

  I'll never forget the shame I felt when I first mistranslated it as "cheese turds".  It took me a while to realize why the guy I was talking with wouldn't stop laughing at me.

  Then again, in French-Canadian jargon, we *do* call cheese curds "crottes de fromages," which happens to translate literally as "cheese turds," so maybe I wasn't that far off after all.

 The correct French term, BTW, is "fromage en grains" (literally "grain cheese")

Wakaba: Yeah. It's not going to explode and make Utena switch bodies
with Chu-Chu or somethin' is it?

  Nah, it'll just turn her into a helpless white baby seal, which will be subsequently clubbed.

[Chu-Chu hasn't waited for permission, and is already attacking the
poutine like a starving man. He looks up at his mistress with a
concerned air, his mouth all gravy and cheese curds.]

Chu-Chu: Chu?

  Mmmmhhh...

  Chu-chu: small annoying grey mouse that keeps saying chu-chu.

  Pikachu: yellow electric rat with a a 3-syllble vocabulary (Pi, ka, chu).

  Perhaps Chu-chu is a inferior mutation of the Pikachu Pokémon?

  Unless, of course, it's a Chu-Chu from Xenogears, in which case things just might turn out ugly...

[Meanwhile Nanami is sitting under another tree, being ceremoniously
served lunch by Tsuwabuki while reading Natalie Savage Carlson's _The
Talking Cat and Other Stories of French Canada_. Some joker has
affixed a sticker of Luna from _Sailor Moon_ on the cover.]

  Eh...  :)

Tsuwabuki: Your lunch, Miss Nanami. After lunch is English with Mr.
Onsen-Mark...

  Give a bow to the UY folks!

Utena [off, from her side of the lawn]: What the hell is with you
today, huh?

Wakaba [off; stopping her laughter momentarily]: ...Julie Arisugawa
eating Utena's poutine... [cracks up again] HAHAHAHAHAHA!

  Could be worse!  :)

Utena [suddenly cathcing on]: Wait! NO! Don't ask her! I mean it!

  catching on

[...as well as straight into the three stooges, who lie in wait on
the path to the main gate the gate armed with bouquets...]

Suzuki: o/` Je t'aime...

Yamada: o/` Je t'aime...

Tanaka: o/` Je t'aime...

[*POW*]

Nanami: Sorry!

  I love you too...  :P

[...and while running through Houou's streets leaps over Akio
Ohtori's car as he attempts to drive back to work after lunch,
surprising him so much he loses control and hits a fire hydrant,
which promptly bursts.]

Akio: [staring helplessly as his wrecked car fills with water] Oh my
God! My insurance!

  <Phoenix is ROTFLHAO>

Anthy: Trois...

Anthy: Deux...

Anthy: Un...

  French countdown's a nice bit...  :)

Utena: I thought you said it was safe!

Anthy: Miss Utena, I said you had absolutely nothing to worry about.
I never said a word about anybody else.

  Anthy (thinking): I'll have to thank Xellos-nissan for lending me that "Verbal Tips and Tricks" book he lent me.

[He seems to find what he's looking for at last. He pulls out an LP,
puts it on the gramophone and returns to his seat.  It turns out to
be a record of Quebecois folk music.]

Gramophone: o/` Mon pays ce n'est pas un pays,
            o/` C'est l'hiver...

  You got *that* right!

Nanami: Qu'est-ce qui s'est passé?

  Tu t'es faite plaquer par une poutine...

[She looks down at her yellow uniform, covered in gravy and cheese.]

Nanami: Quel horreur! _Jaune_? Quel couleur...anglo!

  That's "Quelle horreur!"  ('Horreur' is a feminine noun)

Tsuwabuki [confused]: What?

Nanami [annoyed]: Quoi?

  <Phoenix> Qwâ?

Tsuwabuki [more confused]: What?

Nanami: Parle en français! Français!

  Oui, madame!  :)

[Cut to a shot of Nanami's feet, clad in white high-heeled boots, and
framed by spinning fleurs-de-lis.

 fleurs-de-lys

Pan up, slowly, revealing that
Nanami is basically wearing her Council uniform in different colours:
what was black is now white, what was yellow is now blue. And a white
fleur-de-lis is emblazoned on her chest.]

  fleurs-de-lys

rose crest--which has disappeared, covered by a hastily-applied blue
poster with a white fleur-de-lis on it. Underneath for good measure

  fleurs-de-lys...  oh heck.

is another hastily applied poster, with the French text ÉCOLE PHOENIX
in very large Roman characters. Cut to the rose atop the gate, to
which the same has been done. Cut to a medley of shots of places
where the rose crest (or any sort of rose-themed design at all) was;
all of them have fleur-de-lys

   YES!

Teacher [half-choked by grief]: Classe... attention... [struggling]
s'il vous plaît. Aujourd'hui... [almost unable to speak, but finally
manages] "L’histoire de Genji."

   S'il-vous-plaît

  L'histoire de Genji

Nanami: Well... you see, that's where we as a school enter into a
sovereignty-association.

Julie: Nanami... please, just give us a precise definition.

  You'dhave better luck having Xelloss spend a year without telling a single lie or omission.

Miki: And isn't the idea of "sovereignty-association" a bit
paradoxical?

  That's what we've been trying to drill into Bouchard's head, without much success...

[Camera up--bordered by fleurs-de-lis--on a blackboard reading in
large letters in French:]

27 JUIN
LES PLATS DU JOUR
POULET FRIT AU SUD--600 yen

  That would be either: POULET FRIT DU SUD (Fried Chicken of the South) or POULET FRIT À LA SUD (South-styled Fried Chicken).

[Utena puts down the piece of _poulet frit au sud_--i.e., Southern
fried chicken--she has been munching on.]

  In that case, it'd be POULET FRIT À LA SUD...

Utena: What, you thought a big sign saying "Nanami est un vache"
wasn't going to make Keiko blow a fuse!?

   BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

  Btw, it's "Nanami est une vache"

[Utena turns to see Nanami and Tsuwabuki behind her.  Naturally the
shot of Nanami is framed by fleurs-de-lis itself.]

  arrrrghhh...  fleurs-de-lys!

Tsuwabuki: Ce ne sera pas necessaire, mademoiselle. [ceremoniously
hands Anthy back her lunch box] Mlle. Nanami vous remercie de
la poutine.

  You could use the whole "Mademoiselle" term.

Anthy [smiling endearingly]: Ah, de rien, de rien! Tu parles bien
français!

  nitpick: Anthy would use the polite form of address -- Vous parlez bien...

Nanami [yelling back at her]: Assisez-vous!

Anthy: Non, Nanami, c'est "asseyez-vous." "Assisez-vous," c'est un
québecisme.

Utena: What?

Anthy [in full idiot savant mode]: Mlle. Nanami asked you to sit
down. However, she used not the proper conjugation, but a non-
standard one used only in Quebec. [beat] This is probably a side
effect of the distinct cultural background of poutine.

  <Phoenix smiles>

Wakaba: It's the uniform. Girls dig the uniform. I mean, yours is
_so_ yesterday.

Utena [a bit concerned, inspecting it]: What, you think so?

   NOOOOO!!!!

Aiko [sobbing into Utena's chest]: When I woke up all I could do for
hours afterwards was sing every damn song on the damn _French Album_,
pronouncing every single lyric perfectly! AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW
FRENCH! I took _German_ last year! [babbling] Bratwurst! Autobahn!
Glockenspiel!

  Kugenschreiber!

Yuuko: Me too! I can stand the rehabilitation, if it means Nanami's
mad scheme will eventually be stopped!

Utena: No, really, I can't.

Aiko: You must!

Utena [blinking]: Well, okay, if you're so insistent.

[She drops them both, and begins to run faster.

  I wonder why that sort of thing doesn't happen more often...

[Exeunt Utena and Saionji, Utena dragging Saionji all the way. After
a moment, the door across from the closet opens up, and Mikage pokes
his head out and looks around to make sure she's gone.]

Mikage: Whew. [sips on a soda]

   <snicker>

---

[Cut to the back door of Édifice Nemuro Memorial/Nemuro Memorial

  Shouldn't that be "Édifice Nemuro Mémorial"?

Keiko: S'il ne brise pas la coquille de l'oeuf, le poussin mourra
avant qu'il ne naît.

  qu'il ne naisse (subjunctive)

Tsuwabuki: Nous, nous sommes le poussin. L'oeuf, c'est le monde.

Nanami: Si nous ne brisons pas la coquille du monde, nous mourrons
avant que nous ne naissons. Brisons la coquille!

  que nous naissions

Saionji [pouting]: That was cold.

  Not pouting -- poutine!

Miki: Well, no, but...can we really achieve sovereignty-association
without the Rose Bride?

Nanami: That little weirdo? Au contraire! Je vous présente...la
Mariée du lis!

  LYS!  LYS!!!  :P

Miki: Miss Julie... do you think Miss Tenjou is going to face the
duel called "Référendum"?

  Référendum...   <snigger>

Keiko [terrified, from the other side of the door]: Mlle. Nanami, I
think Utena Tenjou would _really_ like to see you...

Mikage [starting]: Tenjou! [looks frantically around for a place to
hide, then sighs and hurls himself through the window in a spray of
glass.]

  <Phoenix laughs>

Utena [raising an eyebrow]: What, Nanami, shouldn't you be drawing a
sword from him, then?

Nanami: Oh, don't be silly. Tsuwabuki's sword would be far too small
for my needs.

 Sukebe...

[Tsuwabuki grumbles something.]

Nanami: What was that, Tsuwabuki?

Tsuwabuki [sourly]: Je n'ai dit rien.

  Je n'ai rien dit.

Julie [lecturing tone]: I believe it to be the Montreal Olympic
Stadium, a building renowned for its structural instability.

  Now you're being harsh, here.  It's been over twelve hours since someone was killed by a falling concrete section and we haven't had to replace the Kevlar roof in over a week now!.

[A cracking sound is heard. Chunks of the Phantom Stadium begin to
fall upon the arena; one nearly crushes Nanami and Utena, breaking
their deadlock as they part to avoid it.]

  <snicker>

Nanami: Fous le camp!

  Fout le camp!

[Cut to the door, where the smoke has cleared enough to let us see
just what has emerged. It is Nanami, her hair color restored, but her
Student Council uniform abandoned for what appear to be Che Guevara
guerrilla fatigues, complete with beret emblazoned with a red star.
She is wearing war paint under her eyes and brandishing an apparently
genuine Kalashnikov machine gun for good measure.]

   Of course, anybody who wants to write a fic in response is free to do so
in either English or French. :) (Offers of translation of this turkey into
French are appreciated too.)

  Don't tempt me - Utena isn't all the rave in Quebec anyway...

   In any case, I still find it odd that an American had to come up with the
idea for a satire of the Quebec question.

  Hey, I'm a Québecois and I enjoyed this fic! :)

   I know for a fact that there are at least three Quebecois on the FFML, myself included.  I liked this fic, especially the way you never explained what the sovereignty-association is...  :)

                              -ALAN-
                             It was mostly Paul's fault.  Really, it was.  I'm just an accomplice. Even if my bad French (sadly bad, since I took seven years of it from
late elementary to early high school--I blame the sorriest collection
of French teachers ever assembled for this, especially the one who
threw the chair at me, and the narcoleptic) planted the seed, he
watered it.

  <blink>  The French parts weren't all that bad, actually...

     Again, it was mostly Paul's fault.  Really.  Stop looking at me
like that.

   <Phoenix keeps staring>

   Well, that was fun!  :)