My comments##
From:
"Belle Na" <sme291@hotmail.com> | Block address
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
Subject:
[FFML] [NGE] [The Waste Land] [Ch. 2]
Date:
Fri, 07 Jul 2000 20:21:17 PDT
Dear FFMLers
Here is chapter two of my NGE fanfiction work,
"The Waste Land." As always, C & C is welcome,
but please, keep comments tasteful and
constructive.
##^)^
(I do have a delicate ego. ^_^)
You may send replies to either sme291@hotmail.com or
via the FFML.
Thank you and I hope you enjoy this fic of mine.
B.S.N.
-----------------------------------------------------
THE WASTE LAND by B.S.N.
-----------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL CONCEPT by Jitou
-------------------------------------------------------
DISCLAIMER: All characters of "Neon Genesis
Evangelion" are the property of Mr. Hideki Anno,
Gainax, A.D. Vision and all other associated
parties. This fanfiction does not intend to reap
profit or benefit of any kind; it was created for entertainment
purposes
only.
-------------------------------------------------------
TEXT CONVENTIONS:
_ _ denotes emphasis
##I think people can figure this out from
context. ^_*
-------------------------------------------------------
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
>From T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land"
## My preference would be to break the poem up
with text from your story.
For instance (using the text you already have.)
######
**(Come in under the shadow of this red rock), **
CHAPTER II: A Brief Respite
**And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you**
The thin, metallic taste of blood filled his
mouth. Shinji grimaced as he ran his tongue along
the roof of his mouth, his teeth, his lips. He
tried to spit out the acrid taste but he was unable
to raise his head and the saliva clung to his mouth
and chin in thin, bloody threads.
**Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;**
Shinji wiped his
mouth with a feeble hand, leaving streaks of dust
upon his face and grit in his teeth. He spat again
and rubbed his mouth; once more, a thin layer of
dirt accumulated.
**I will show you fear in a handful of dust.**
##IMO this _last_ line punctuates your
text very well.
I'm not sure about "Shinji sighed."
I'd put it at the _start_ of the next paragraph.
########
CHAPTER II: A Brief Respite
The thin, metallic taste of blood filled his
mouth. Shinji grimaced as he ran his tongue along
the roof of his mouth, his teeth, his lips. He
tried to spit out the acrid taste but he was unable
to raise his head and the saliva clung to his mouth
and chin in thin, bloody threads. Shinji wiped his
mouth with a feeble hand, leaving streaks of dust
upon his face and grit in his teeth. He spat again
and rubbed his mouth; once more, a thin layer of
dirt accumulated. Shinji sighed.
##I'd drop the "Shinji sighed" altogether.
I also think I'd combine the first two paragraphs
and cut them both just a tiny bit. The description,
as always, is first rate. My personal
preference would be to tighten things a little.
However this is VERY personal and other
readers may disagree. (Look at the
"his mouth", "He tried", "he was", "He spat"
etc. Just go over the prose and change things
like that to make things flow a little more
smoothly. (I usually put it aside for a day and
then re-read to check for things like that. I've
got a friend that does a search for number of
"He said" in a paragraph or page. )
With his one good eye, the boy looked up into
the sky. The sun was well past its meridian; it was
now near five o'clock. He tried to move his head
once more, but the fierce bursts of pain brought on
a wave of darkness and nausea. Shinji gagged as the
bile surged into his throat. Too weak to hold the
acid stream, he turned his head and vomited.
For many minutes afterwards, Shinji lay unmoving,
a viscous trickle of bile running from his mouth onto
the ground. He stared straight ahead, his blue-gray
eye blank, empty. The rancid stench wafted up to his nose but he did
not
sense it. The sour flavor coated
his mouth and lips, but he could not taste it.
Strangely, mercifully, a kind of stupor had stolen
over him, shutting off all sensation and all thought.
##OK, images and descriptions are very good.
At this point just a little over done. We knew Shinji was
in trouble in the first paragraph. Again, I'd combine
paragraph 1 & 2 and shorten. Get to "the girl" sooner.
The boy lay there thus, unmoving, when the girl
discovered him the next morning.
A slight figure
##How about "The slight figure" since she's been introduced
already.
knelt over him, her long auburn tresses brushing
against his face. At first, Shinji
was unaware of her presence but the soft sweep of
her hair aroused him out of his torpor.
##Hmmm, from the way you described his condition I'm not
sure anything short of a Trauma Room would bring him around. ^_^
Nice image but the logic of the situation is weak. Try for a stronger
stimulus or a longer time period (give the poor devil
time to recover enough to notice things like this) or go
for a stronger stimulus)
Shinji
slowly turned his head and squinted up at the girl
above him. The sun shone full upon her, creating a
halo of light about her form but casting her face in shadow. "Asuka?"
he
whispered hoarsely as he reached out. "Asuka?"
"Asuka?" the girl echoed in puzzlement. "You're
dreaming. You must have a fever." She laid a cool
and gentle hand upon his hot brow, a look of
commiseration and concern upon her face. Shinji
grasped the hand eagerly, a strange glow illuminating
his countenance. The girl drew back in alarm and
tried to withdraw her hand. He tightened his hold
and pulled her closer to him.
"Don't go," he begged. "Don't leave me alone,
Asuka!"
"I'm not Asuka," she answered nervously as she
attempted to remove her hand from his. The intense
happiness in his face was awful. "Y-You're dreaming.
I'm not--"
##Ummm, why "dreaming"??? Unless she knows him and
his past this seems a strange word choice. IMO the _first_ thing she would
say is "I'm not Asuka." THEN, after her grabs her hand she's repeat
"I'm _not_ Asuka" (with emphasis on _not_) and perhaps
"Y-your dreaming." after that. Personally I'd stick with
"I'm not Asuka," she answered . . .was awful. "I'm not----"
Or perhaps substitute "You're imagining things."
OR
"You're hallucinating."
{Considering he's passed out in the desert. ^_^)
"Don't go!!" he shrieked suddenly, his voice
full of anguish and terror. "Asuka!! Asuka!!"
The girl gasped in fright.
##I think "in fright" is rather redundant.
She tore her hand
free and scrambled to her feet. She had already run
a meter away from him but a peculiar noise arrested
her in mid-flight--the sound of a low, grieved moan.
For a few moments, she stood irresolute. Then, as
Shinji's sobs increased, as quickly as she had run
from him, the girl turned back.
##Good again. However my preference would be for
shorter, choppier sentence structure to fit in with
the girls emotions. Panic, irresolute, etc.
She knelt beside him and murmured soothingly
as she stroke the sweat-matted hair from his dirty
face, "Shh. I won't leave. I'll stay. Hush, now.
I won't go."
"Asuka," he whispered, his eyes shining. "You
won't leave me, will you?"
The joy on his face was terrifying but the girl
answered, "I won't. I promise."
Shinji smiled contentedly before he slipped into
unconsciousness.
##Remember, story telling NOT proper English. ^_*
For instance, IMO::
"Asuka," he whispered, his eyes shining. "You
won't leave me, will you? The joy on his face
was terrifying.
"I won't. I promise."
##The reader can figure out who's speaking.
-------------------------------------------------------
The small stone cross felt cool in her thin palm.
Elena carefully opened her fist and once again looked
at the pendant in her hand. It's a curious thing,
really, she thought as she toyed with the necklace.
I don't think I've seen anything like this since
before the apocalypse. She idly dangled the necklace from her wrist, a
thoughtful look in her eyes.
Why does this boy have this? And how did he get
it? Elena wondered as she glanced at the sleeping boy
in the bed. She ran her thumb along the plain narrow
string of hemp, her brow furrowed in contemplation.
Abruptly, she stopped and stared at her hand. Dry,
brittle, red-brown flakes speckled her fingers.
Curious, she touched her fingers to her lips. Her
eyes widened in surprise.
Blood, she thought as she rubbed the pads of her
thumb and forefinger together. The frail, dark scales
fell to the ground and mingled with the dust upon the
floor.
##Needs a bit of a transition here.
Perhaps only a ************* to show a change
of character/scene.
He stared into the enormous, luminous eyes fixed
upon him.
"Evangelion Unit One," he whispered hoarsely.
The beast stood silently waiting. He continued
to gaze at the monster before him; he could not tear
his eyes away from it nor release himself from the
hand that held him in its grip.
"Evangelion Unit One," he repeated. "Evangelion
Unit One." He dropped his head, defeated. "Even now,
even after all that has happened, you're still here."
The brute said nothing and continued to gaze
upon the small figure in its hand.
"Why?" Shinji asked plaintively, looking up at
the monster. "Why are you still here? I got rid of
you, didn't I? I destroyed you, didn't I? I'm free,
aren't I?"
The beast was silent still.
"I defeated you. I destroyed the world--and I
killed you. I killed the world--and I destroyed you."
The beast remained mute.
"No, I'm not free," he mumbled, lowering his
head. "I tried. . .and I failed. And I'll never be
free. The beast. . .it's still here--within. . ."
He fell quiet for many moments.
"No, I will defeat you. I will be free. I
will destroy you," he vowed in a low voice. Suddenly,
he looked up, his face contorted with a wild,
indescribable rage. "I will kill you, damn you!!! I
will kill you!!!" he shrieked as he twisted wildly
about. "Die, die, die!!!"
His screams echoed through the void, loudly at
first, but they gradually faded into a whisper and then
dwindled into nothingness.
##Good, but a bit wordy. IMO this scene calls for
more tightness to emphasize the drama.
Example::
He stared into the enormous, luminous eyes fixed
upon him.
"Evangelion Unit One," he whispered hoarsely.
The beast stood silently waiting.
"Evangelion Unit One," he repeated. He dropped his head,
defeated. "Even now, even after all that has happened,
you're still here."
##################
##I've got to admit this seems awfully . . .polite and civilized.
But then I don't know much about NEG other than what I've read
on the Net.
Shinji awoke with a start. He stared at the
unevenly painted ceiling with astonished eyes. Where
am I? he wondered. He turned his head to the left
and saw the girl seated near the window. He slowly
rose,
##That seems like an awfully fast recovery. From your
description in the beginning Shinji had one foot in the grave
and the other strapped in a roller-blade. ^_^
I'd show a bit more of his injuries/passage of time
to allow for recovery. (show more injury and weakness
is best IMO)
his eyes still fastened upon her. The rustle
of the bedclothes startled the girl and she spun
around, her eyes dilated in fright.
##??? nervous sort, isn't she.
Perhaps just "startled" rather than fright.
Just seems a little strong. Perhaps you could develop
more to show why she is or should be frightened.
And is _this_ girl "Elena"? At first I thought "the girl"
and Elena were the same. But now I don't think so. The
personalities don't seem to match. Need to make this
clearer.
##########
Across the
silent space between them, their eyes met. For a
long moment, the two children
## "children"??? Need to make this clearer.
stared at each other. Shinji swung his
legs
over the bed and made his way towards her. Suddenly, at the corner of
his
eye,
Shinji saw a flash of white. Pressed against her
heaving breast,
##Heaving breast? I didn't know this was
a lemon. ^)*
swayed slightly by the movement, was
a small, cross-shaped object. In one bound, the boy
was at her side. He wrenched the necklace free from
her grasp, an inexpressible look upon his face.
##Errrr, perhaps a _ teensy_ bit more description of
his "inexpressible" look. ^)^
and I take it that "the girl" IS Elena?
"Why do you. . . How did you get this?" he
inquired in a low voice. He was shaking.
"I-I found it. . .in your hand. . .while you were unconscious. .
." she
stammered. She could not meet
his gaze and stared down at the rough floor beneath her feet.
##This seems like a huge personality change. I just got a much
different picture of "Elena" from the description of her
examining the cross several paragraphs earlier.
She seemed much more adult. Calm and analytical.
#########
"I--" he began. Suddenly, without warning, Shinji collapsed to
his
knees. Unthinkingly, the girl sprang out of her chair, her hands
extended
in an offer of support. He gently pushed her hands away and shook his
head.
"No," he whispered, "Don't. . .don't. . ." He
looked up; the awful expression was gone now, replaced
by one of shame and remorse. "Don't. . .please. . ."
"I-I didn't mean to--" the girl began.
"No, it's fine. Don't worry," he replied dully.
"It's my fault. . ."
"Do you need. . ." she asked haltingly.
"No," he answered. He rose stiffly to his feet.
"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to--that is--I'm sorry,"
he mumbled finally.
"I-It's all right."
"Ano. . .miss. . ."
"My name is Elena. Elena Bhaer."
"Elena-san. . ."
Elena shook her head. "No, don't say anything.
It's all right. . .uh. . ."
"Shinji. Ikari Shinji."
"Shinji-san. . ." she repeated. Then she added
quietly, "That's a good name."
##Errrrr . . .what just happened here?
Very confusing. :(
-------------------------------------------------------
Elena watched him from her seat on the worn
doorstep of the house. In the dim twilight, she could
discern the irregular outline of a boy crouched in the
sparse grass. His ragged white shirt glowed faintly
in the dusk. His thin arm moved in long, sweeping
strokes; he was describing a pattern in the dust with
a twig.
## "His ragged", "His thin". Change.
A name? she wondered. As he worked, she saw
his hand reach under his shirt and withdraw a small
object from around his neck. Then, abruptly, the boy threw the stick
to the
ground and, in one, fierce jerk
of his hand, he obliterated the design. For many moments, he sat
still,
gazing down at the ornament in
his hand. Then, gently, carefully, the boy tucked the necklace into
the
small pocket of his shirt and rose to look at the ruin that stretched
before
him.
##Nice imagery. I have NO idea what's going on though.
She had often seen him thus,
##OK, you need some sort of transition to indicate passage of time.
{ I recognize the problem because I've gotten the same complaints myself. ^_^)
sitting alone in the
half-light. At these times, he would draw the necklace
from his pocket and stare at it, lost in thought.
Sometimes he would hastily stow the ornament into
his shorts' pocket; sometimes he would slip it into his
breast pocket; sometimes, he would place it round his
neck--but this last action was rare. His behavior
puzzled Elena
##Shinji:: "I'm brooding and filled with angst. It's a guy
thing."
Elena:: "Prozac cocktail?"
Shinji:: "Shaken not stirred."
##Seriously I'm puzzled also.
Plus I'd work on the description of his behavior a bit.
It's just a little too much of a good thing. Almost
reminds me of slap-stick. Or an absent minded professor
the way he keeps playing with the cross. Very Jerry Lewis
theater of the absurd. Good idea, just needs a bit of editing.
Perhaps it would work better if you showed more of his
behavior rather than having Elena telling us about it.
Makes for a longer scene but I think you need to build
a little more detail to make the audience feel Shinji's
"madness"??? "anger"???
and she wondered, as on the day when they
first met, how he obtained the necklace and why it
was so important to him. But since that day, he had
never displayed the ornament to her. And though she
yearned to know its history, she never alluded to it.
##IMO the language is a bit too formal. Too wordy.
A stylistic point and other readers may disagree.
For example::
" . . . and she wondered how he obtained the necklace.
And why it was so important to him. But since that day, he had
never openly displayed the ornament. And though she
yearned to know its history, somehow she never had
the courage to ask."
1) delete "as on the day they first met", IMO much to clumsy.
Break into two sentences. IMO makes it just a little more intense.
2) Add "openly". He's displayed it or she wouldn't have wondered
about all his contortions with it. He just hasn't worn it openly. But
he's playing with it a lot.
3)I'd drop "alluded". A perfectly good word but in this case I think
a more direct course is better. She's wondering about the cross. She
just can't ask him about it. Because . . .well, she probably can't articulate
why. Just a feeling. And I think a more simple description conveys that
internal conflict better than more elaborate prose.
Again, most of my C&C is stylistic. This is a very grey area and subject
to MUCH difference of opinion. ^_~
The pale blue glow of twilight was quickly
deepening to evening. She saw him standing with his
hands upon his hips, his long, gangly legs spread
apart. His slender shape was a dark blot against the
clear, watery horizon.
## "His hands", "his long", "His slender"
^_^
##These POV changes are VERY abrupt. Try to give just
a little more warning. It's hard in ASCII, I know. (What I wouldn't
give for just italic font. O_O)
It's been two week since Elena-san found me,
Shinji mused as he stood looking across the bleak
landscape. I suppose I should leave--I am imposing
after all, but. . .
##OK, need to _show_ him imposing. Or at least doing something
that he _Thinks_ is imposing. Otherwise this is just dropped on the reader
in a vacuum. SHOW us a little more of what's going on. Good internal
dialogue and excellent descriptive passages. I can see what's going on. I just
want to see MORE of the goings on going on. O_o.
Let's SEE Shinji and Elena interacting. Show Shinji fiddling
with the cross. Show Elena doing what ever it is she does. Show why
she's so afraid. And why that seems so different from her personality
before Shinji woke up. (when she was examining the cross)
Otherwise interesting things are happening, but so quickly that I don't
get a _feel_ for them.
He cast a quick glance at the
slender shape
## Shinji was just a "slender shape", now Elena is a "slender shape" ^_^
framed by the ramshackle house behind
her. A small smile flitted across his face. For
the first time--in a long time--I've been at peace.
I'm calm and happy. . . Happy? He drew in a sharp
breath, stunned. Happy? Have I really been happy
with Elena-san?
##Elena:: "Listen Shinji. If you're happy the story ends
and we're both out of a job"
Shinji looked back. The girl had disappeared through
the
shadowy doorway.
Happy. . . He tried to say the word aloud, but
he found that his mouth had gone dry. No, I can't say it. . . he
thought
sadly, it's impossible.
##Elena:: "Take the damn cross out of your mouth!"
Shinji:: "Fowwy." <spits cross into hand> "Sorry."
Shinji
sighed and turned back to the ruined city before him. No, this isn't't
real
happiness. I can't fool myself. This isn't't the happiness that I'm
looking for. It doesn't't lie here with Elena-san. That happiness--my
happiness--is somewhere else, out there. . . The
reality that I want. . .the truth that I seek. . .is
not here with Elena-san. But one day, I will find it.
##I may be having problems because I don't know
NGE. However I'd really like to see more development.
WHY isn't this real happiness?
Shinji:: "Because this is a DARK fic, fool. I'm a brooding
anti-hero from an incomprehensible apocalyptic anime with
deep searing imagery of-----
Elena:: "Thorazine fudge ripple?"
Shinji:: "With ritalin sprinkles?"
-------------------------------------------------------
"Die!! Die!!"
Elena came running to his room. "Shinji-san!" she exclaimed.
"Wake
up! Shinji-san!"
"Die!! Damn you!! Die!! Why won't you die?!" Shinji screamed as
he
thrashed about. "Die!! Damn
you!!"
Elena seized his arms and shook him. "Shinji-san! Wake up! Wake
up!"
"Die!!!" he shrieked. Suddenly, he bolted upright, his eyes wide
with
rage, and lunged at Elena. "Die!!!" His hands reached out, trying to
close
around her throat. "Die!!!"
##OK. Not bad at all. I'd make it just a tad shorter.
OR try for something other than "Die, die, die" Get to the
throat lunging sooner.
Nicely crazed though.
Elena screamed. At the sound, Shinji froze. He stared at the
girl,
astonished. Then, suddenly, the
boy fell back, limp, onto his bed. Elena stood for a long moment,
looking
at the still form. She could not stop the terrible shaking of her
body.
##Shorten a bit. This is a tense, dramatic scene. IMO better done quickly.
Example::
Elena screamed.
Shinji froze.
For a long moment he stared, unseeing at the terrified girl. {btw THIS
is the moment for her terror. ^_^) As suddenly as if he'd been killed he fell
back on the bed.
Elena stood looking at the still form. She couldn't stop shaking.
## NOT the only way to do this of course. It just illustrates what I'm
talking about.
###############
"Evangelion Unit One," he moaned, "Evangelion Unit One. . ."
"What?" she whispered. "Evangelion?" She stared
at him, horrified. "You. . ."
Her whisperings woke Shinji from his slumber. He looked up at the
girl
with sleepy, puzzled eyes.
"Elena-san. . ."
"Evangelion," she repeated hollowly.
"Evangelion. . ."
At first, the words did not pierce through the
cloud of sleep that enveloped him. But her continued whisperings
cleared
away the haze and the boy blanched when he heard the familiar name. He
tried to speak but the words could not push past the barrier of his
teeth
and the words trailed off into a faint hiss.
##HE need to work on his speech impediment. ^_*
The two children
##I just don't see them as children. They don't act like children.
You need to add just a bit more to keep this from being jarring.
(at least to me.) Could just be because I don't know NGE.
sat quiet for many minutes before her low voice
broke
the silence between them.
"So, it was you--you who did all this," she murmured.
Shinji lifted his hand, but it was not to comfort her or to plead
for
forgiveness. He knew that he could neither give nor receive such
solace.
##Then what was it for? Again, IMO, a bit wordy.
"Yes. I am the pilot of Evangelion Unit One."
"Then you were responsible for the apocalypse--the Third Impact?"
Shinji bit his lip and nodded. The girl dropped
her head in her hands. Through the thick tangle of auburn hair, he saw
her
mouth moving, forming words,
but she made no sound. Finally, she looked up. Her expression was
unreadable. But he fully understood
the tone of her voice.
"But why? Why would you do such a thing?" she
asked quietly. "Didn't you understand the
consequences? Didn't't you know that this would happen?"
##??? I don't understand her tone of voice. This scene is
a little ambiguous. {But then NGE was a little ambiguous, so
it's probably just me. }
Shinji bowed his head. "No. . . At the time, I didn't know. I
was
simply a tool—for NERV and. . .for
my father. I didn't realize what was happening until
it was too late. I tried to stop it—I tried. . .but it wasn't enough.
. .
It wasn't enough. But I tried—I tried. . ."
"So did you destroy the world—or did you save it?"
##Errrr, I thought she established that just a few lines previously.
"Then you were responsible for the apocalypse . . ."
seems to be a vote for destruction.
Her voice was
strangely, ominously calm. "What did you do?" she questioned again.
Suddenly she shrieked, her voice cracking with the violence of her
panic and
rage. "What did you do?!"
"I don't know!" Shinji cried. He pressed his
hands against his temples and shook his head. "I don't know!" He
paused.
"But perhaps it was better that
it was destroyed. . ." he added in a low voice.
"Perhaps, it would have been better. . .that way. . ."
##Shinji:: "At least I don't have to worry about entrance
exams now."
Elena stood and stared helplessly at the boy
before her. Shinji still held his head between his
hands--the knuckles were white with the pressure, the tendons were hard
and
rigid. The hands quivered from the intense stress.
Finally, the girl spoke. "Tell me, then, why did you it?"
"I don't know."
"Don't lie to me," she warned. "Answer me again.
## "again"?
Why did you do
it?"
"I don't know."
Elena clutched his shoulders, her fingers digging painfully into
his
flesh. "Tell me," she shrieked, shaking him fiercely, "Why did you do
it?!"
"For mankind! For NERV! For my father!" he shouted. Then
abruptly,
he whispered, "For myself."
##Now this I liked. Nicely manic.
She released her hold on him, her hands falling limply to her
sides.
"For yourself," she echoed
faintly. Elena stared at the dark head bowed before
her for a long time. She slowly stepped forward and tilted his head up
with
her hand. The blue-gray eyes stared back her, dull and vacant. With
all
her might, she slapped him.
##Good for her. I'd get to the slap faster.
Example::
She released him, her hands falling limply to her
sides.
"For yourself," she echoed faintly. Elena stared at the dark
head bowed before her. She tilted his head up with until she could
look into his blue-grey eyes, dull with pain.
With all her might, she slapped him.
##She doesn't need to step forward, she was just shaking him and
never stepped back. Lots of ways to play with this. Just get to the
slap fast. You want the dialogue/imagery to _snap_, just like her hand
hitting Shinji.
He winced but he said nothing. The two children stared at each
other:
the girl in furious hate, the boy in sorrow and remorse. Slowly,
gingerly,
Shinji placed his hand upon his burning cheek.
"I hate you," she hissed.
Shinji dropped his head,
##Elena:: "It's not enough you destroy the world!
<hands him his head> Quit leaving your stuff just lying
around."
his hand still on his cheek. "You're too
kind. . .Elena-san."
##Too wordy. VERY good end line.
I still don't like children. They don't ACT
like children and I find it jarring.
And "winced"??? He destroyed the world.
She should have at least loosened a few teeth. ^_^
Example::
His head snapped back. He wiped a smear
of blood from his split lip but said nothing.
The two stared at each other. The girl consumed
with fury and hate. The boy . . .consumed by secrets.
"I hate you!" Elena spat.
"You are too kind Elena-san," he watched her
leave the room, back stiff. "and far too late."
##I'd show more violence in the slap and aftermath. After all
this guy destroyed the world and most of human civilization.
I'd take a brick-bat to his cranium myself.
Use hat and fury for the girl but I'd leave Shinji ambiguous.
Suggest but leave most of it to the readers imagination.
The ending could be done several ways. The
"I hate you" "You are too kind" is classic.
>From a minimalist point of view that might be
the best way to end.
"I hate you." Elena spat. {giving a nice angry image)
"You are too kind." {fade to black}
OTOH if you add some sort of action you can switch back to
Elena, in this case reinforcing her anger (via body posture) AND
give a little symbolism {leaving Shinji alone} Then add a nicely
ambiguous yet heart wrenching phrase {You are too late} in this case.
But there are other possibilites.
-------------------------------------------------------
Shinji shifted the pack on his back. The girl
stood staring at him from the threshold of the house.
He bowed, a small gesture of thanks.
He began to walk, the jaw of his thin face set,
his eyes directed northward. He walked a meter but
then, suddenly, he spun around to face the figure on
the steps. His eyes were calm and strangely mournful.
##I'd drop the "His eyes . . ." Go directly to his dialogue.
Also the "I was beaten . . ." is ambiguous. I thought, at first he
was talking about being beaten by the Third Impact.
Now it may be that you are trying to equate his defeat by the
Third Impact with his beating in chapter one.
If so, good idea but needs a little editing to show this
more clearly.
"Elena-san," he said, "I was beaten because. . .I tried to shed
light
on the darkness within us. That darkness, that barrier is what my
father
attempted to remove.
##I always thought his father was a raving lunatic. ^_^
He wanted to fill the void in our minds. But the
man
who beat me didn't want to hear my message.
But I'll tell you: the Third Impact was caused to close the gap in our
minds, to destroy the barriers within
and between ourselves. But it failed. I could not accept it."
##Errrrr, nice Zen set-up. I'm not sure why Shinji's failure to
"accept it" meant failure for the entire world. {Must be a
NGE thing.}
He paused for a few moments to pull out the
necklace from his pocket. "I tried hard to accept reality, to accept
myself, but I just ended up hating myself even more," he continued
quietly.
"I thought
that I could learn to live in this world, but. . .I'm just a coward.
But I
know the truth can be altered, reality can be changed. I want to
change
it."
##??? I'm lost on this one.
The boy slipped the necklace around his neck. He gazed at it for
a
minute and then tucked it underneath his shirt. He looked up and gave
Elena
a weak smile.
"I want to be happy."
The boy then turned towards the north and began to walk away.
##Well, that was confusing.
-------------------------------------------------------
AUTHOR'S NOTES: These notes will be rather long-winded, so to those of
you
who don't want to read it, skip it! ^_^ Trust me, there is going to
be a
lot of jazz in
the following lines.
Well, to those interested, admittedly, this is a rather poor chapter.
But
as I haven't written in so long, I suppose the quality can be
excusable,
right? ^_^;
I was recently seized by a muse and began to write at a furious rate.
(And,
consequently, ignored all the
works that I was _supposed_ to pre-read. Gomen, Allyn, Jitou and
Brian!)
##No problem. *_O
As a result, I haven't seen the
light of day for a few days--I think my leg muscles
have atrophied. ^_^; My intense concentration on
this work could also explain why this chapter is so. . .well,
convoluted.
^_^;
##Well, as long as there's a good excuse. ^_^
Of course it couldn't have anything to do with the fact
you're writing an NGE fic, could it?
I don't know exactly what was going on in my head
when I wrote this chapter. I suppose some readers
(those who read it at all, anyway ^_^;) will be
somewhat ticked off; again, I wrote an ambiguous
chapter and failed--somewhat--to address the questions
that I raised in the last chapter. But I thought I
did answer them--somewhat--in this chapter. Not definitively, but
sufficiently. I guess, however,
that I'm speaking from a very biased view--perhaps it's not as clear to
the
reader as it is to me. ^_^;
##Ummmm, could be. :)
Some may ask, "What was the point of this
chapter?" Well, first off, to reveal, in part,
what had happened between Yukishiro and Shinji in the
last chapter. Secondly, to reveal a little more of
the "new" Shinji after the Third Impact. In this
chapter (as well in the following chapters), I wanted
to delve a little bit deeper into Shinji's life, his
psyche--his past, present and future. It's probably quite vague,
##vague? If it were vague it would be much clearer.
but I
feel
that it will clear up later in the work. I don't want to make anything
obvious in
this fic--or at least, too obvious
##Trust me, you're not. ^)^
--in order to be in keeping with the
original anime. I want this work to
be as unpredictable and as metaphysical as Mr. Anno's
own work.
##Yeabut HE had all this nifty artwork and movin' pictures
to make up for the fact he had no coherent story. (I say this never having
seen the anime. I've read about it on-line and it seems . . .well, I'll
only say
I don't feel I've missed much not seeing it.)
It's probably impossible for little me to
do this, but I wanted to give it a shot. Lastly, I
wanted to show a little of what the world was like
after the apocalypse--the landscape, the people, etc.
##Now THAT you've done, in spades.
I can see things VERY clearly. Excellent imagery.
I just don't have a blinkin' idea what's going on or why.
I don't know if I accomplished all these objectives,
but then, that's what's C & C is for, right? ^_^
If you have any C & C, send them over to sme291@hotmail.com or through
the
FFML. ^_^
##Overall:: I have NO idea what's going on.
Writing, as always ranges from good to superlative.
Imagery is your strong point.
I think you've gone just a skosh overboard with the
ambiguity. ^_^
This could be a stylistic point. I prefer to have a more
solid grasp on what is going on and why. {My idea of subtlety in
writing is to only kick them in the belly once. ^_^} I like the story even
though I don't have the least idea what is going on because the
images are so surreally compelling. And I really want to know why
Shinji is wandering around in the desert, etc. I do think
you could tone down on the ambiguity without losing any of
the flavor of the story. And a little re-write to smooth out
some of the rougher spots (eg. He/she did/said etc)
good job overall. (I may be missing the point because I
don't follow NGE)
Keep up the good work. (and try to get out more. You're looking
awfully pale. Oh, wait. that's my reflection in the monitor. <Sheepish Grin>)
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