Vincent Seifert <seifertv@csus.edu> wrote:
Ranma and the Heart of the Phoenix
Whew, long chapter. :) I'll try not to repeat anything Phil's already pointed
out.
Daylight filtered down into the bamboo grove, turning the
trail Ranma trotted along into a tunnel under the sea, green
shade dappled with brilliant flecks that rippled and danced. The
Nice WUE-esque imagery here... maybe a bit much for a single sentence, though.
Finishing his lunch, he drank from a canteen before
preparing to resume his journey. He nodded thanks to the stone
that had served him as a bench, and only then noticed the
characters carved on its side. "'Phoenix'?" he muttered,
squatting to trace one with his fingers. The other was well-
known to him; the Joketsuzoku used it to mean "forbidden" or
"authorized personnel only", and he often got in trouble for
ignoring it.
RANMA: Let's see, it says: Au- thor... auth - or - ized... authorized person!
Person authorized. I'm a person, so that means I'm authorized. I can go in
there!
"Very well, Lady Kiima," they said in unison. They marched
off the terrace, talons clicking on the pavement: the one dark-
skinned, black-haired and black-feathered, the other sporting
slightly outrageous greenish hair and strikingly barred wings,
both clad in the one-shouldered chitons of their office but in
colors of their own choice. Kiima watched them go, wishing she
were going with them, then transferred her gaze back to Helubor.
"It's been a week," Helubor said in tones of restrained
impatience. "Have you decided on your answer to my proposal?"
KIMA: Not yet. I'm still trying to choose between "get bent" and "not even if
you were the last creature on Earth."
HELU: Well, if you really need more time... HEY!
"As you say... but nevertheless, I have made my decision,"
Kiima said coolly. The look in her blue eyes was even colder
than her voice, but Helubor appeared not to notice.
"If you persist in your folly, you'll regret it," he vowed.
"I give you one final chance to change your mind."
KIMA: No!
HELUBOR: Okay, one more chance. What the heck.
KIMA: Not a chance!
HELUBOR: All right, I'm feeling generous. Just one more.
KIMA: Go away!
HELUBOR: Just ONE more. But this is really the last one!
"No longer," Helubor said tightly. "As for plans... I await
your suggestions with keen interest."
"Well, my friend, I'm sure I can come up with something--
oh, drop the wrath already; purple is NOT your color. Actually,
Was he turning purple? The narration never mentioned it.
"Thrice-accursed aristocratic gumboil," Kiima muttered,
KUNO: Yes?
KIMA: Sorry, I was talking to someone else.
"If you mean mate and bear children--" Fanael nodded-- "not
if I have to do it with Helubor."
Punctuation seems rather odd here. Suggest:
and bear children," Fanael said, nodding, "not
"But really, who else is there?"
KIMA: Well, there's that Ranma Saotome guy. I hear half the female population of
Asia is already married to him. What would be one more? :)
Kiima flinched; to bring up the decline of the numbers of
the Phoenix folk in polite conversation was simply not done.
"Fanael, I hope you're not going to tell me to do my duty to our
people. I do my duty, every day."
FANEAL: I know. Who do you think has to clean it up?
"The intruder's on the upper granary level!" Koruma shouted
from the doorway ahead of her.
"Just one?" Kiima queried in amazement, jogging after him.
"How'd he get so far? Were the guards asleep?!"
MASARA: Zzzzzzz... huh? Um... sleeping? No way! I was, um... working out battle
strategies!
Ranma got up and moved around a little, inspecting his new
home, and nodded grudging approval. As cells went, it was pretty
good: clean, dry, well-ventilated but not drafty, not roomy but
definitely not cramped; the stalactites were well clear of his
head, the mat was free of vermin, the water bucket was clean, and
the slops bucket had a lid. "If it wasn't for the lock, they
Suggest: slop bucket (that's the way I've always heard it)
could charge rent," he said to himself. "Hope room service
measures up."
GUARDS: You do like birdseed, right?
The prisoner was sitting crosslegged on his mat with one
elbow on his knee and his chin resting on his hand when Kiima and
Fanael stopped opposite his cell. He uncoiled quickly to his
feet and came up to the grill; the flash of recognition in his
grille (I think you mean)
RANMA: Can you make okonomiyaki on this thing?
Ranma smiled suddenly. He checked the next cell in the
direction opposite the way his visitors came; having verified
that it also had a sleeping mat and buckets, he took hold of the
bent bars and carefully bent them back straight. Then he entered
his new cell by the same method, sat back, and waited for the fun
to start.
Heh heh.
The detachment straggled out, punctuated by accusations from
Koruma and Masara and protests from the first two guards. Ranma
waited for things to settle down, managed to stay put through the
next inspection-- by four guards-- and then went back to his
original cell, bending the bars straight behind him. With the
satisfaction of an afternoon well spent, he unrolled his mat and
stretched out for a nap.
Hm. I really like this routine of his, and it's very much in character for
Ranma, but I think you may be overplaying the delivery of it. Probably once per
incident is enough for us to see it; we don't need to see Ranma planning it
*and* see the guards falling for it.
"It's about the prisoner," Masara said unhappily.
"He's some kind of sorcerer," Koruma chimed in.
"Or maybe a, a fakir or something. Anyway, he's freaking
Suggest: maybe a-- a fakir
RANMA: I ain't no faker! I really am this good!
"I see," Kiima said. She eyed her deputies speculatively.
"Are you suggesting, perhaps, that it would be a good idea to
have him guarded round the clock?"
"Definitely," said Koruma. Beside him, Masara cringed
suddenly. Kiima favored the more astute of the pair with a
humorless smile.
"That's right. YOU get to guard him."
Again, good joke, but IMO the presentation could be better. Maybe have one of
the birdboys say something like "Boy, I feel sorry for the poor suckers who get
stuck with *that* duty...." and Kima just nods at them.
"A little while is all we require," Taragon said smoothly.
He waited until Masara and Koruma had departed, looking
mistrustfully over their shoulders, and then addressed Ranma
again. "Did you defeat Lady Kiima, groundling?"
"The name's Ranma. No."
Isn't he a bit miffed at having to admit this? I'd expect something like "Well,
kind of. Okay, technically, no. Not really. Hey, she got lucky!"
As Ranma climbed the steps, the splendor that was Saffron's
throne room appeared to his astonished eyes as the sun appears
over the horizon at dawn. Guards lined the wide avenue leading
Two uses of "appear" here. Suggest simply: 'as the sun over the....'
The curtain slid open, revealing an immense high-backed
throne fully five meters from floor to phoenix-decorated crest.
On its seat was a man of the winged folk clad in raiment of white
and red, golden-haired and red-eyed. His face was fair in the
sharp-featured way of the Phoenix Mountain nobles; his expression
was impassive, apparently taking no note of Ranma's unwillingness
to abase himself before him. Light spilled from him to
illuminate the hall, flashing from ornaments, glowing on
flowering plants, picking out the clothing and plumage of the
populace.
RANMA: You're Saffron? For some reason, I expected you to look like one of those
statues you find outside a restaurant.
SAFFRON: Thank you, but I've gone through that phase.
"Captain Kiima," Saffron said, raising his right hand.
Kiima rose and walked briskly to the other side of the throne,
turning with precision to stand facing the hall. She saw that
Ranma was still standing and frowned, but Saffron was already
speaking. "Chancellor Korianda, read the charges," he said to
the man standing by the throne.
KORIANDA: *ahem* Three nights bed and breakfast at four hundred yuan each, plus
seven hundred yuan for damages. Payable by certified check or money order
*before* the first of the month, thankyewverymuch.
Korianda produced a scroll from his sleeve and unrolled it.
"In this ninth year of Saffron's current reign, in the afternoon
two days past, an intruder entered Phoenix Mountain. He disabled
a score and thirteen of the company of Lord Saffron's guard,
including Masara, lieutenant of the guard, before being captured
by Captain Kiima and imprisoned," he read. He adjusted the
scroll and looked at Ranma. "Captain Kiima reports that the
intruder's name is Ranma and that he comes from the island
country of Japan. He is not known to us, nor did he give any
reason for disturbing our peace. Clearly this outsider is a
threat to our people and must be dealt with accordingly."
"Am not," Ranma muttered.
SAFFRON: Out of order! The prosecution speaks first.
PROSECUTOR: Are too! Are too! Nyaaaaaaah!
Kiima glanced at Ranma. "It is true that Ranma did no
lasting harm to any of your guards, and I believe him that his
motives for intruding were free of malice."
This would work better if there had been some sort of scene between these two
earlier. As is, I think Kima's niceness toward Ranma comes out of nowhere.
It had to be a bedroom. No room could have a bed four
meters square and NOT be a bedroom. The squared-off knotwork
RANMA: Well, has it got a bed? Then it's a bedroom, pretty much. Duhh.
"Maybe," Kiima said, but there wasn't much hope in her
voice. She didn't believe Saffron was a god on earth, as some
Shouldn't Earth be capitalized (since you mean the planet, rather than soil)?
did, nor did she believe he was infallible, but her respect for
him as Lord of Phoenix Mountain was a tall citadel with deep
foundations. Letting Ranma escape had been her failure, and
The metaphor here seems a little odd and jarring by itself. I think you either
need to play it up a bit more, or get rid of it. (It doesn't help that there
literally *is* such a citadel in the story.)
So far, it's sort of a Doctor Who plot. Ranma wanders into something, and gets
mixed up in someone else's schemes.
Masara and Koruma did not appear to be gladdened by the
praise; they hung their heads even further. "He sent us to kick
you out," Koruma mumbled. "We're supposed to make sure that
you're gone by sundown. But we wanted to make sure you got a
good start, since you can't fly at night any more than we can, so
we came to remind you...."
I think they can fly at night, actually. They did in vol. 37. Though maybe they
need those take-out restaurant lantern thingies to do it.
"You're still going to be a standout, though," Ranma
observed. "Nyanniichuan won't change your hair color or your
height, or your looks."
Suggest: 'height, or how good lookin' you are."' (As written, Ranma's comment
might be taken as 'the way you look,' in which case Kima's reaction that follows
isn't really appropriate.) I expect you expect me to say something about the
hair color thing here, but I think it stands on its own. :)
Another bad point was bad leadership. Captain Kiima had
been a good leader, and Pepa hadn't known it until he'd gotten a
bad leader. Koruma and Masara tried their best, but Lord Helubor
was a bad captain, and that was all there was to it. Captain
Kiima yelled at them and hit them, but that was because she
wanted them to be better guards, and thought they could be better
guards if she yelled at them and hit them. Lord Helubor yelled
at them and hit them because he thought they were scum.
An hour ago Lord Helubor had shown up all excited and
started issuing orders. Weird orders. Koruma and Masara had
explained them as "stay on your toes", which was why Pepa and his
partner were guarding this door instead of practicing to impress
girls.
Seems like you could show some of these things just as easily as you're telling
them to us here. I'm not sure what constitutes a "weird order."
Ranma held his breath; this was the tricky part. The trial
by combat was an ancient law among the Phoenix, little-used
because of the potential for abuse by the strong to oppress the
weak, and appeals to it had to be approved by Saffron himself.
If he denied it, at least Kiima's banishment had been rescinded.
If he approved it, she had a chance to revenge herself on her
enemy and perhaps even win her office back.
Tenses here don't quite seem right. Suggest:
If he were to deny it, at least Kiima's banishment would be rescinded. (etc.)
Ranma held up his bound hands as Taragon rolled out of the
bushes and raised the dagger again. "Hey! Look at the coward!"
he yelled. "He's trying to kill a guy with his hands tied!"
TARAGON: Ha! I could kill Ranma with both hands tied behind my back!
RANMA: What if both my hands *aren't* tied behind your back?
TARAGON: *sweatdrop*
"Let it be said that at least he died with honor, then,"
said Saffron. "He has been proven guilty, and he has paid the
penalty; justice has been done." He turned to Taragon, held by
Koruma and Masara. "And what of this one?"
This is a little unsatisfying. The truth is, Helu *wasn't* proven guilty. We
know that he's not as good a fighter as Kima; we know that his henchman is
underhanded; but it'd be nice if Ranma and Kima had managed to prove that *he*
had stolen the gem, which none of this does.
Saffron turned to gaze at Ranma, and Ranma was struck by the
deep, ancient weariness in his eyes. Saffron seemed to read his
reaction. "Granted. Remove his bonds."
NABIKI: Too late, Saffron-chan. I cashed those all in *years* ago.
"Lady Fanael, of the House of the Hawk?" Ranma asked.
"Yes." Kiima stared down at Helubor's body, looking quite
distraught. "I just killed her brother."
FANAEL: My name is Fanael Montoya. Prepare to die.
Fanny seems like she'd be a good way to show her brother as more than just a
cliche villain. She could be aware of some of his motivations, something to give
us a handle on why he did what he did.
Kiima closed the door behind them and turned to survey her
quarters, piqued into trying to see them as a stranger might...
and failing. Ghosts from her past haunted them: her father,
strong and stern to his last day; her mother, tall and elegant,
beautiful and kind; the brothers and sisters she'd hoped for but
never had. That chair over by the fireplace had been her
father's, and she'd no more been willing to dispose of it than
she had his sword.
RANMA: What's that *on* the chair? [holds nose] Ew, stinkburger!
KIMA: Oh. That's my father's corpse. I couldn't bear to dispose of it either,
you see....
Kiima laughed, picked up the bundle she'd assembled, and
went into the bath. She was used to cold-water baths, having
picked up the habit from her father, who claimed it hardened the
body.
>From what I understand, cold water baths are pretty much the norm in China. Of
course, this *is* the future....
"It's been a while, has it?"
"There were a few when I was younger, but they all ended up
mated to other women, somehow."
"Their loss, my gain. Well... is there a bed around here
somewhere?"
This aspect of Ranma's character is very different from the way he acted towards
women during his high school days. It's kind of hard to judge how believable the
transition works, given that there's a lot of previous story yet to be written,
but from what's revealed in the ending scenes and in the original fic that
spawned this, I'm hopeful that you'll pull it off.
Kiima touched it, and it wasn't; smooth callus hardened the
calluses
"What is it, Koruma? Oh, the intelligence reports."
"I ran across something that I thought you'd want to see."
Koruma looked unhappy about it.
KIMA: What's this? Masara's IQ test results? I didn't know they gave negative
scores.
Lounging in Kiima's large bed on a lazy, rainy morning,
Ranma let his eyes wander over Kiima's lithe form. It was a
pleasant journey. Kiima lay on her side with her wings stretched
out behind her and her head pillowed on her forearm; it was a
posture that displayed the long curve of her hip and thigh very
attractively. He noticed something that reminded him of
something he'd meant to ask about. "I see you have a navel."
"Much like yours." Kiima was eyeing him about the same way.
"So your people are born, not hatched?"
Actually, some of them are born and THEN hatched.
"And this," Kiima said, taking a jade bracelet off her
wrist, "this is for your wife, in apology for delaying your
return to her."
KIMA: And this pendant is for Shan Pu... and here's a ring for your mistress,
and... darn it, I'm out.
All in all, definitely an extraordinary story. Nicely expressive writing, and it
was a joy to see Ranma acting so much like... well, like Ranma -- except for his
newfound ease with woman, which still needs to be developed in the backstory.
Looking forward to more of these stories, or more Centaur, whichever comes
first. :)
Gary