SHAMPOO AND THE SEA
By David Homerick
Based on characters and situations created by Rumiko Takahashi
With Apologies to Ernest Hemingway
* * *
She was an Amazon warrior of great skill and strength and she had
always looked life in the face. But recently life had taken to
sneaking up behind her and smacking her on the back of the head and
then running away and giggling. Shampoo wished life would not do that
to her. It was insulting and it made her want to kick it in the
teeth. But it is impossible to kick life in the teeth, even if one is
an Amazon warrior of great skill and strength.
Tatewaki Kuno had invited her and many people she knew to go fishing
in the warm water to the south of Kyushu. He wanted to impress them
with his money and his generosity and to kiss Akane Tendo or the
pig-tailed girl. The pig-tailed girl was really Ranma Saotome, and
was a boy under a curse so he became a girl when splashed with cold
water. Kuno hated Ranma but didn�t know about the curse and loved the
pig-tailed girl. Shampoo loved Ranma and hated Akane Tendo. She
knew about the curse and didn�t care about the pig-tailed girl.
"I will go fishing with Kuno and the other people and I will catch
the biggest fish in the world," Shampoo said to herself. She said it
in Chinese. "Then Ranma will see what a powerful warrior I am and
maybe he will agree to marry me. I know he is strong enough to be my
husband because he beat me in a fight. But maybe he does not think I
am strong enough to be his wife. He is proud, and very much a man,
except when he is a woman."
So Shampoo and Kuno and Akane Tendo and Akane�s two sisters and the
girl who was Ranma and stupid Mousse and the pig-boy and the spatula
girl all gathered at Harry�s Bar and American Grill early in the
morning. Then Kuno took them over to his boat which was named "Kuno�s
Boat." Sasuke was waiting on "Kuno�s Boat." Together they cast off
and sailed south-west along the coast of Honshu. Kuno was the captain
and he wore a big captain hat to prove it.
Shampoo sat in the bow and watched the sea turn purple-blue as the
sun prepared to rise. Some people thought of the sea as a woman,
beautiful and mercurial, who could be kind and generous and suddenly
flash cruel and violent, smashing ships into jetsam. But Shampoo was
also a beautiful and mercurial woman, and she thought of the sea as
very much water full of fish for her to catch. Mousse came up behind
her.
"I love you, Shampoo," Mousse said.
"I not care," Shampoo said.
Mousse cried for a while then went away. The sun rose. Kuno made
Sasuke stop the boat and announced that they would fish here.
Everyone prepared to fish. Shampoo got a fishing rod and reel from
Sasuke. She tied a wire leader to the swivel at the end of the line
and tied a large hook to the leader. She clipped a lead weight to the
line just above the swivel and baited the line with a live minnow,
passing the hook through both gills. She reeled up the slack in the
line and swung the hook behind her, where it caught in the front of
Akane Tendo�s blouse. She snapped her wrist and the hook ripped open
the front of the blouse and flew out over the sea and landed with a
splash seventy yards from "Kuno�s Boat." The minnow fell down between
Akane Tendo�s breasts.
Shampoo had cast a long way. Maybe I will catch the first fish as
well as the biggest, she thought.
"Look," said the girl who was Ranma, "Akane caught the first fish."
Shampoo turned around. Akane Tendo was staring down at the minnow
that was lodged between her breasts. She was pale and angry. The
minnow wriggled its tail at her.
"Hey, that my fish," said Shampoo.
"You did that on purpose," shouted Akane Tendo. She threw the minnow
at Shampoo and stomped away. Shampoo caught the minnow, but it was
ruined. Akane Tendo is a very rude girl, she thought. Now I will
have to bait my hook with a new fish and all the other people have
already cast. I will be the last person to start fishing because of
Akane Tendo.
She put another minnow on her hook and cast, but Akane Tendo�s sister
Nabiki caught the first fish.
They fished. The sun shone like a big round shiny thing. The girl
who was Ranma caught a big fish, but the spatula girl caught a bigger
one. Akane Tendo beat Kuno senseless because he tried to grope her.
Shampoo still hadn�t caught a fish when noon came. Akane Tendo�s
other sister Kasumi made them all rice and cold fish wrapped in
seaweed for lunch. Shampoo decided to try fishing from another place
on the boat.
Akane Tendo was sitting there with Ryoga, the pig-boy. Akane was
fishing and Ryoga was considering thinking about trying to talk to
her. Shampoo sat down on the other side of the pig-boy from Akane and
began to fish.
"Did you catch anything?" asked Akane Tendo.
Shampoo frowned. "No," she said. She did not want to admit failure,
but an Amazon warrior did not lie if she was going to be caught right
away.
"Me neither," said Akane Tendo and reeled in her line. The hook was
covered with something green and slimy.
"What that?" asked Shampoo.
"Seaweed," said Akane Tendo. "Fish like seaweed." She put the rod
away. "Maybe I'll go swimming if the water's warm."
"I find out," said Shampoo and tipped Ryoga into the water. He
screamed and waved his arms and made a very big splash.
"Water is warm," said Shampoo.
"What did you do that for?" asked Akane Tendo. She leaned forward.
"Are you all right?" she asked Ryoga.
"Yes!" said the pig-boy. "I'm perfectly fine! And not a pig! Ha,
ha. Of course I'm not a pig! Why would I be a pig? Ha, ha."
"Okay," said Akane Tendo. "You're not a pig. I'm going to go
change." She got up and left.
Ryoga climbed out of the water. He was very angry, but Shampoo was
wearing a very tight dress and the pig-boy could not deal with it. He
went into the cabin to lie down.
Akane Tendo was changing in the cabin.
After the screaming stopped, Akane Tendo came out and splashed in
the water at the stern of the boat wearing red rubber waterwings. She
wore the wings because without them she swam like an otter which was
having a seizure and was also sewn to a large dead horse. With them
she swam like a girl wearing red rubber waterwings and having a
seizure. The girl who was Ranma watched her and said she wasn't
cute. The sun sank down in the sky.
It is getting late, and I still have not caught a fish, thought
Shampoo. I fished all day and I didn't catch anything and Ranma
doesn't even care. If he doesn't like that pervert girl than why does
he pay so much attention to her? Ranma never pays attention to me
unless I make him.
Shampoo felt like crying, but an Amazon warrior did not cry. An
Amazon warrior made other women cry. Shampoo was strong and fierce
and she always looked life in the face. She wiped away the tears she
was not crying.
A fish took her bait and began to pull out line, but Shampoo didn't
notice. Akane Tendo is not cute and not nice and she hits Ranma for
no reason, she thought. She only wants him because the other girls
and I want him and she hates us. I wish she would drown. I wish
Ranma would like me. I wish I could catch a fish.
The pig-boy came out of the cabin. �Hey,� he said. Shampoo�s got a
bite.�
�That�s nice,� said Kasumi. �She�s been wanting one.�
Shampoo blinked and set the hook. The fish jumped. It was a big one
with a sail on its back. Shampoo fought the fish. She reeled it in
when it swam towards her and stopped reeling when it swam away, just
like Great-grandmother had told her. She was careful to keep the line
tight.
This is a much bigger fish than the one the spatula girl caught,
thought Shampoo. This is the biggest fish anyone has caught today.
Nobody is going to catch a bigger one because we have to leave soon.
The fish soon tired, and Shampoo started to haul it in. Then it
began to jerk on the line and dart around in a frenzy. Shampoo saw a
shark�s fin break the surface.
�No!� she said. She began reeling as fast as she could. Don�t eat
my fish, you stupid shark, she thought. Go eat another fish or an
octopus or Akane Tendo or something. Leave my fish alone.
The shark bit the fish and the line jerked. It bit again and the
line went limp. Shampoo pulled it out of the water. Dangling on the
end was a big roly-poly fishhead.
�Gee, that�s too bad,� said the spatula girl happily. �I guess you
won�t catch any fish today.�
�Why didn�t someone tell me there were sharks in the water?� shouted
Akane Tendo as she climbed back into the boat.
Shampoo stared. The fish hung from the line like a dead fish. The
shark lifted its head out of the water and bit off the last of the
fish�s body. Shampoo dropped her pole and leaped onto its back.
Everyone rushed to the rail except blind Mousse and the pig-boy, who
rushed into the cabin by mistake. Shampoo threw her legs around the
shark and seized its dorsal fin. Its skin was rough like sandpaper.
The shark swam very fast and the water flew up and hit her in the face
and the sun was low in the sky and there was the roughness of the
shark between her legs and the boat behind her and the spray in her
face and the sky and some other things and the shark and the warm salt
water hitting her in the face.
Shampoo loved the shark then, because it was wild and strong, like
Ranma was wild and strong. It was fierce and powerful and untamed,
from its blunt snout down its strong muscular body all the way to its
narrow tail. She loved Ranma in the shark and the shark in Ranma.
She loved it and she vowed to catch it, break it, and make it her own.
The shark was also stupid and never thought about anything but
eating, but that too was like Ranma.
The shark dove and pulled Shampoo under the water. The water became
cooler so she let go and swam back to the surface before the water
became so cold that it turned her into a cat. She did not enjoy being
turned into a cat by cold water that had a big shark in it. As she
came through the surface she shook her head to clear the water from
her eyes and ears. She looked around for the boat but there was only
the sun and the sea and a heavy chain that hit her from behind and
tangled her up so she could not swim.
"I caught the shark," she heard stupid Mousse yell. "Get back in the
boat, I have the shark."
The shark's fin broke the water again and turned toward her as she
tried to get her arms free. The chain was heavy and kept pulling her
beneath the waves. The shark's fin went under the water again as it
prepared to come up and bite her from beneath. She threw herself
forward against the chain and it grew slack and there was a splash
from behind her. She doubled up both her legs and as the shark came
at her she kicked it in the snout with both feet and launched herself
out of the water. The shark shook its head like a dog. She landed on
the back of the shark and pulled the chain off and threw a length of
it around the shark's snout where it caught in its mouth. The shark
turned towards stupid Mousse who was thrashing around in the water
like an otter having a seizure. "Kuno's Boat" had come around and was
heading back towards Shampoo. The shark would have to swim past the
boat in order to reach stupid Mousse.
Shampoo was not wearing a hat, so she did not wave it and say yeehah.
The shark swam past the boat and Shampoo jumped back on the deck.
She climbed up the mast pulling the chain behind her. The shark dove
under the water. Shampoo fed the chain through the pulley at the top
of the mast and dropped to the deck and pulled stupid Mousse out of
the water just as the shark was about to eat him. He swung from the
mast like a blind and stupid tetherball until Shampoo let him fall.
The shark went back to looking for something that it could eat.
Stupid Mousse stood up.
"You saved my life," he said to Kuno. "I love you."
Kuno began to say something tiresome. Shampoo pushed stupid Mousse
back into the water and told him to splash which he did. He also
yelled and howled and tried to climb the chain but Shampoo kicked him
and jerked the chain and he fell back in. The shark came around and
dove under the water for the third time. Shampoo pulled the chain and
stupid Mousse came out of the water and the shark came out of the
water after stupid Mousse. Shampoo wrapped the chain around a capstan
as the shark sank back into the water. Its tail flicked up over the
gunwale and Shampoo seized it by the long top fin. The rough skin
gave her a good grip and there was a notch in the bottom of the fin
for her to put her finger in. The shark thrashed about but its tail
was out of the water and it had nothing to push against. It hung half
in and half out of the water as Shampoo pulled its tail. Akane Tendo
came to her side and grabbed the tail too. Shampoo pulled and Akane
pulled and the shark began to slide out of the water and into the boat
with the two of them pulling.
Shampoo was a warrior of great skill and strength and she hit Akane
Tendo in the face.
"No you catch the fish," she said. "I catch the fish. Not your
fish. My fish."
Akane Tendo fell down. Shampoo planted her feet and got a good grip
with her hands and bent her legs and straightened her back and heaved
at the shark with all her strength. The shark swung its head out of
the water and onto the boat as it slid over the gunwale. Shampoo gave
one last strong tug and leaped away. The shark rolled on the deck
snapping its jaws and flailing its tail against the deck and the mast
and Akane Tendo as she tried to crawl away.
Shampoo rushed down into the cabin and grabbed her _bonbori_ as the
girl who was Ranma pulled Akane Tendo away from the shark. She leaped
back onto the deck and landed on the back of the shark just behind the
head. She squeezed it between her legs and raised the _bonbori_ over
her head just as the _Taiko_ drummers of Japan raise their drumsticks
before they strike their great drums and send the sound rolling down
the forested valleys like thunder before a spring rain.
Kuno finished saying his tiresome thing. Shampoo beat the shark to
death.
Twilight fell as the ship make its way back to port. Shampoo sat on
deck eating okonomiyaki with the others and pretending not to like it
much and looking at her shark. It had been powerful and strong and
fierce and she had made it her possession. She would take it home and
her Great-grandmother would cook it and she would throw a feast and
invite everyone. Her rivals would be ashamed to come and taste the
broiled shark meat of defeat, but it would be a greater disgrace not
to come and besides it was free food. And Ranma would know that of
all the women who desired him, none was as powerful and strong and
worthy as Shampoo of the Amazons.
Perhaps this time no idiots would ruin the feast and spoil her
victory by eating all the damn food beforehand.
"Shampoo's very happy about her fish, isn't she?" said Kasumi.
"She's looking at me funny," said the girl who was Ranma.
-- David