At 06:24 PM 7/17/00 -1000, you wrote:

Hmm...

I saw this and very vaguely remembered the scene in which Urd offers Mara the goddess job. I went to your webpage and re-read, and I have a few comments on the whole thing.

1. I really like the Jeanne d'Arc aspect. I'd love to see a little more backstory on this in future chapters. Ie, who was the angel who offered Joan her new job, and how you would handle her 'Saint's voices' in your take on the story. I also like Claudette, and hope you do more with her. (I don't like Mary. Grow her up a little, or keep her as a mouse!)

2. I can certainly understand everyone but Urd being as disgusted/upset at Mara's old job, but wouldn't Urd, being half demonic herself and having investigated Mara for the job, be a little more aware of the kinds of things that had gone on before in Mara's life? (at the end of Chapter 2).

3. Even if Urd is disgusted and can't face Mara after the revelation of the satanic sacrifice pact, there's no apology or admission between the time she originally gets upset and the scene in Amsterdam where Urd starts going on about how 'of course we're not going to abandon you! We're family, after all!'. This is a little jarring. You might consider adding a little more of Urd's inner dialogue/rationale for the sudden change.

4. The satanic ritual/casual violence/wholesale rape by the demonic forces is more than a little bit stomach churning. (I'm one to talk with 'THE CLAN', ne?) You might consider adding a 'Dark' tag or a graphic violence warning to the story.

At any rate, I'm looking forward to the next part!

C.
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C. Jones - guilty@furinkan.net
http://www.furinkan.net

Watashi ha ultra-relakusu!