Miashara wrote:
That declaration received a sad shake of the head from Yuri. "You're
about
as mechanically inclined as a drunk baboon, unless it's an object that
can
be used to shoot or blow up something else."
Well, at least Yuri is admitting that Kei has aptitude there.
Yep, not that it's all that flattering...
And people they were trying to arrest.
Someone else's probably mentioned it, but shouldn't there be another "to"
in there?
Where, exactly?
Using her legs, she kicked off the back of the seat and floated as
quickly as she could through the air and into the corridor beyond.
As opposed to kicking off with her arms or head.
Or tongue. :)
Such blatant deceptions were nearly impossible to manage around someone
who
had been one's partner for over a decade "I'm fine," Kei assured her. "I
didn't take that much amperage. No more than, fifteen, twenty at the
most."
"Kei, that's enough to kill most people!"
I have very little to say about this one that I haven't many times before
and as such, won't.
^_^
She couldn't find a regulation trenchcoat, but unless one of the station
commanders was a cute guy, being dirty wouldn't matter anyway.
Yes, Kei is as constant and slow to change her mind as always
Of course. Maturity comes to us at different rates. :)
Most of them are downright ugly. I'm not getting any younger, Yuri, and
one
of these days I do intend to settle down. Really. But what sort of guy am
I
going to be able to snag if I ain't got it anymore?"
Don't mind me, but I quote from Fatal But Not Serious Yuri:"Well, they
needn't worry about
that, you know. The 3wa keeps complete personality constructs and tissue
samples on file for
both of us. If we're ever killed in action, they can easily clone up
memory-intact back-up copies
of the two of us." Further quoted, "Our bosses don't want to loose their
investment in our
skill and experience, I guess." The DP go on to emphasize their effective
immortality. Mention
of the ability to not age is also made. For what it's worth.
Intensly disliked that bit from the Adam Warren series since it seems to
lessen dramatic tension with the idea that they are essentially immortal
and easily replaced if killed. That idea won't exist in this story. It
sticks more with the TV/Movies version in any case.
The ship emerged from hyperspace, and Yuri was delighted to see that they
had indeed dropped out right at the point they were supposed to. From
where
they materialized, Yuri could see the space station hanging in space
directly in front of them. Things were finally looking up for a change.
No. That just means everything else will get almost incalculably worse.
True. First law of actions movies.
Its basic appearance was that of a giant, gunmetal gray top, constantly
spinning in deep space as though it were a giant wheel. Having a ten
kilometer
diameter and fifteen kilometer height, it was a self-sustaining facility
that
could contain and provide for hundreds of people without difficulty.
Uh. Reality check. Failed. The differing radia and velocites mean the
centripital forces on the
spacestation would vary greatly. Thus an immense amount of energy would be
needed
to stabilize the gravity. I'll come back to this shortly. And the net
volume is about 392.5 km^3.
Remeber that also.
Luckily the Heizenburg Aux Machina system compensates for that. :)
According to the reports Yuri had glanced over, the station had suffered
no
problems and served admirably since it was christened five years ago; it
was
unremarkable in every way. It's as good as dead.
It might be a bit out of the way, but it has a full crew of over a
hundred,
plus over three hundred residents, plus whatever guests are there on
layovers.
Thats 1 person per cubic kilometer of space. Considering most
people are going to live in communities, that means there will be a LOT of
empty space.
More on this in a sec.
Will make it considerably smaller then. Didn't realize it was that large.
Shows how rust my math skills are.
"Okay, smart-ass. So why aren't they responding?" Kei said through
half-lidded eyes.
The radio man is on the crapper, and it's a six mile jog to the nearest
CB.
Heh.
Kei considered that for all of two seconds. "Grab some big guns out of
the
armory, get on board that ship, find out what's going on, and shoot
anyone
that tries to shoot us."
Naw. I don't think they'd do _that_. They'll go aboard unarmed as a
gesture of good
faith and resolve their problems through dialogue and mutual compromise.
Kei: What does 'unarmed' mean?
"I see, but it still feels..." Yuri trailed off.
..warm and soft, yet firm," she finally finished. "Thats my boob, you
moron," Kei replied.
heh.
"Yeah, I know what you mean. It feels like a lot of places we've visited
after we leave them," Kei agreed.
"That's because we were here two weeks ago.
They must not have had time to ship any more cannon fodder/civilians in
yet."
Yuri smacked her forehead. "Not that cannon fodder is limited to
civilians mind you."
Kei was quick to add.
The space station approach reminds me greatly of the Aliens movies.
Which one? The second?
"No bodies either." A feeling deep in Yuri's gut told her that they would
discover no clues in the docking bay.
The firefight burns, the used gunpowder, the discarded weapons, and piles
of
dead bodies were useless. Everyone might be sick.
But every place they left behind looked like that and usually nothing
mysterious was happening in those places. :)
having only just now made their way to the shopping district located
along
the center of the station, but still they should have heard something or
found some sign of what had happened.
Or they could be elsewhere in the 400 cubic kilometers of spacestation.
FYI: this
space station is about 100 times bigger than New York City. Notice how I
harp on this point.
Gotcha. Will change.
All of the money and credit cards were still in it, meaning that there
hadn't even been time for a thief to make a quick buck.
So the DP did instead. Kei needed a new pair of shoes.
Could just steal those out of a store as well. :P
Also have several impact points near it. Got to be from some kind of
solid
projectile firearm."
Weapons in the DP world are almost exclusively melee, energy,
or missiles. Projectiles are rare enough to probably ellicit a bit of
suprise.
Nah. There are still lots of places that use them, we just don't get to see
them too often. :)
"We're looking at about a five centimeter hole. Big piece of artillery
made
those." Considering thats the size of a standard tank projectile, big
works.
So they're using KEWs of the 50 mm variety. A miss from one of those would
put a
hole through the space station. If not causing explosive decompression,
lots and
lots of damage. If they're simply using regular amunition thats 50 mm big,
the explosions
>from spend rounds would destroy most walls. I'm not seeing this scene
happen.
The metals of the future are far more durable and would stop the rounds
with a few more inches (ie round stopped in a second wall or is buried in
the latter half of the primary wall). The outer walls of the station even
moreso. Still, there's another reason why this would not have happened,
which will become apparent in future chapters.
"I don't know, other than whatever they were shooting at was tall. No
sign
Or they just were really bad shots.
heh. No one is that bad. :)
of blood or pieces of metal from a battle suit or anything. I guess they
didn't hit whatever they were aiming at.
Of course they didn't hit it. Dread Lord Bill is only 4'6".
heh. Again.
>From where she stood, it appeared he had died from having his head
smashed in
as though it were nothing more than a ripe grapefruit that had been held
in
the hands of a powerlifter with no control over his strength, but she
wanted to make sure.
Isn't that just a bit cumbersome? The sentence I mean.
Will try to shorten it.
Now she had to do something, and fast before her attacker disabled her,
or
worse.
He's a Mormon missionary. They're really determined in the future.
Nah.He's a Hari Krishna. They're even more determined. :)
Only fools or professionals still used them, and Kei had a
terrible feeling about which category her opponent fell under.
He should have used the garrote to begin with. Or dropped a heavy rock on
her.
True. But he wasn't thinking very clearly, having been driven at least
partially insane by what he saw, otherwise he would have.
Shutting out the pain (an experience she had plenty of familiarity with)
A John Denver fan I see.
Ouch.
Instead, the redhead brought her arm up and caught the inside of his
wrist
she'd catch the side of his wrist. the only way to get the inside would be
if he was
swinging with the flat of the blade.
Will change.
with the back of her hand. She stepped forward, away from the wall and
towards
her opponent, spinning on her heel and bringing her elbow upward. It was
the
man who was caught off-guard as he was unable to block the move when Kei
brought her elbow up and caught him in the throat, crushing his windpipe
instantly.
You can't do that. Not with the elbow. If the elbow came straight up,
Kei would have to be within a foot of him to be close enough to make
contact
with his throat. Then his chest would block the blow. If she swung at an
angle, his jugular and whole bunch of other neck stuff would get in the
way, in addition to his collar bone. The most effective move here would be
a foreknuckle strike. Direct, and with the small impact area, perfect for
this kind of fight. Also, you can't just pop someone's wind pipe. It
closes and opens fairly regularly. It can be done, but it's really hard.
What I think you're thinking of is crushing his Adam's Apple. When that
happens,
you drown as your lungs fill with blood. Crushing the adam's apple is
always
fatal. It won't knock you out though. You'll be fully functional, if
drowning,
for your last minutes before you die. Same goes for the windpipe crushing.
Okay. Will use your way of doing it.
he was far too light. He had to be dead.
But instead he was a vampire, woke up and killed her. The End.
Comment about the fight as a whole. It seemed unnecessarily
verbose to me. Lots of clauses that aren't really needed. I'd see
if you can make it flow a little faster.
Will look it over, but I did want to sort of set the mood with it, which
was why it was longer than Yuri's bout with her opponent.
Judging by the several obvious and more recent wounds on his body, mostly
lacerations across the torso and arms that she knew she had not given the
stranger, the man had been in a fight shortly before encountering Kei. A
difficult one, given how deep several of the gashes were.
What Kei didn't know was that the guy had tried to shave with a survival
knife,
in a roller coaster, while drunk and blindfolded. Sans shaving cream.
Nah. She's done that sort of thing before to herself when shaving her legs.
:)
A quick examination showed his ammunition belt and pockets were empty.
Not one to be careless, she snapped on a rubber glove and
rolled him onto his stomach. Then the real search began.
Ewww. :)
She recovered her gun and proceeded to shoot the creature several times.
Smartest thing anyone's done in a long time.
Yep.
That left out the genetic monstrosities as the culprits; a far more
intelligent creature was responsible for this carnage.
Little did she know each little monster was really a Ph.D
Heh.
This time Kei spoke louder, shouting at the creature. "It can't be!
You're dead! We killed you! Goddamnit, WE KILLED YOU!"
First rule of horror movie villians, they never die the first time.
Actually Iria thought she killed or Zieram twice before until she
(presumably) got it right in the last episode.
Just as Yuri was about to be thrown behind the largest console, by
her partner, she felt something sharp pierce her thigh, making her
cry out in pain. The shout was silenced a
Was there a weapon retort? or was it completely silent? Seems like the
kind of detail that one would include.
A whoosing sound. Will include it in the revision.
Keeping one hand on Yuri's backside and the other on her own rifle,
Kei ran out from their
oooh. Hot lesbian action predule.
No, no. That would be 'The Amazon, The Tomboy, and The Kunoichi' for that
sort of thing. :)
So I'm reaching. Silence you.
Heh. I'm no better, as you well know. :)
"Pretty frisky corpse," Yuri commented dryly.
"This time he's staying dead," Kei assured her.
I have to admit, you made me curious to see the original series.
It was very enjoyable, IMO. Not heavy stuff, very quick paced and action
oriented.
was a dated and uncommon weapon, though very reliable under the most
grueling of conditions. The only drawbacks were its bulk and
difficulty to maintain
If its so difficult to maintain, why would it be reliable under grueling
conditions?
One would think that in the midst of action, regular cleanings would be
impossible.
Few things go wrong with it and it can take a lot of punishment. But when
it does get damaged, parts are difficult and expensive to replace.
On the whole:
Well, you did say better late than never!
Always.
I liked it, good work, etc. Think you did a good job setting the scenes,
since you
mentioned that was something you were working on.
Yep. Glad that worked.
My only problem was a couple of >things failed reality checks. Also, as I
mentioned, I think a little work on making
the fight scene read faster might be deserved. Don't get me wrong, its
good as is,
but I think you could make it better.
I'm of the opinion I can always make what I do better, and I'm always eager
to hear others opinions on how. I might not agree with everything, but
usually I agree with at least some of the things, like in this bit of C+C.
Thanks a lot for the intensive C+C and all of the difficult research you
did :). It's really appreciated.
D.B. Sommer