Comments:
bombardiers eyes. His skin was pale, but it was starting to tan, under the
"bombardier's"
hot dessert suns. He appeared to be an average twenty something man.
Ice cream? Cake? "twenty-something"
structure of the clothing. Considering Keith's occupation having all nython
clothing was very fitting, not that he had much in clothes, essentially one
You are meandering around vaguely. What about his occupation
made the the fabric of clothing appropriate?
a man of magic. Like the man of black himself. This was the largest clash
in Walter's fantasy.
Who the hell is Walter?
was also a cyborg, you had to have some sort of direct neurological
interface to correctly wield Nanites. Keith didn't have a exposed
components, and he looked very normal. The only visible aspect was a small
Start a new sentence with "You", "nanites", "have exposed"
valley. He saw the man in black sitting halfway down the slop in an
indented region. His vision zoomed in on the bowl. He saw bones thousands
of bones and in the middle was the man in black. He sat there wearing a
Comma after bones. Too much "See Dick Run" prose. You
already told us that the man in black was sitting in
the "bowl", so why repeat it?
"It was not a fraud there is something out here," Genma said pointing to
the top of the hill.
Start a new sentence with "There"
"Don't be insolent boy," Genma said as he crested the hill, "See here it
is."
Comma after "See"
"No this ends now."
Comma after "No"
The man in black arched his eyebrows then as recondition dawned on him
said, "Oh yes the Oath of Tisen. A shame what happened to her," a slight
"recognition"
Walter gapped Keith had moved too fast for him to even put up the most
He opened a clothing store? "gaped". Start a new sentence
with "Keith"
might not work; that Walter would simply crush him. Keith had no illusions
the man in black may still win.
This is an excellent example of the way that the omission
of a comma can totally change the meaning of a sentence.
kinetic and explosive forces, but Walter had plenty in reserve. It was time
for Walter's counter move he fired a blast at Keith aiming at his right
hand.
Delete "It was time for Walter's counter move", or replace
it with something less dull.
"Lousy freaks," Genma said explosions and shields reflecting off his face,
"They trade in their soles, boy. Infest their bodies with circuits and
They don't have feet?
The guide stared off into space for a second then responded, "No the mages
Another missing comma. There are quite a few more missing commas. You should put
in a comma or period any time you would pause in speech.