Hi!
Here's a little C&C, hope you don't mind.
I have to say, first off, that I prefer your comedy writing - which isn't
meant as an insult to this, by any means. The pacing and flow you write
with, I think, lends itself better to comedy. I think. I'm not really one
to say, since I can't write comedy - but you can. The Prank That Wasn't,
and A Tale of 10 Yen remain two of my favourite Ranma comedies - especially
the second one (considering the first wasn't ever finished, grrr....)
Having said that, there's a lot I like about this fic - especially the idea
behind it. Not so much the curse stuff; more the exploration of life for
the Ranma cast at an older age. There's been very few fics like that, to my
knowledge. Not 'second generation' stories - I'm not so interested in
those, since they usually thrust the cast I like to the sidelines - but ones
that push Ranma and friends (kicking and screaming, I'm sure) into
middle-age. Neat idea about cursed forms dying off, though.
Would be nice to see some elements played up more, though. Ranma mentions
how his daughters will never be as good as Ryoga or himself - none of the
craziness of childhood he experienced. But how about now? How does Ranma
feel about passing on his title as 'best of' in favour of raising four
children - four children he loves, but may not have wanted to raise alone.
Any resentment there? He seems to easily accept his (rather easy) defeat at
Ryoga's hands; has he been slacking off; why doesn't it bother him anymore?
Age obviously has a lot to do with that, and I can accept that he's simply
changed over the last twenty or so years - but reading some of how that
development took place, or being privy to some introspection, might deepen
the impact of Ranma and Ryoga's change of character.
Like the Nabiki stuff; I can totally see it happen that way.
Not much more to say, other than...
****************************************
The line between two seasons was drawn, on this day, in the
contrasting tones between the slight chill of a breeze and the
welcome warmth of the sun. It was a time of transition, caring
little for official dates scribed on manmade calendars that
decide for one when Winter would end and Spring would begin.
The breeze ruffled the black hair and the sunlight warmed the
bronzed skin of a man sitting on a bench, set in from the
sidewalk encircling a large traffic square. The square was a
meadow of sprouting green in an urban forest of concrete and
glass, such structures slowly overtaking even the more
traditional and warmer constructions of wood and plaster. The man
was, as was his wont, lost, but he'd long since burned out his
anger over that state of being, and one traffic square was as
good as the next.
... you've got some nice descriptive stuff here at the beginning - but it's
rather more sparse throughout the rest of the story. It shouldn't disrupt
the flow of the story, but if you can write it up nice, why not fit it in
where appropriate in other places? (Where those places would be, mind you,
I don't really have a clue.)
Oh, just remembered - the bit at the end with the broken koi rod. Would
Ranma really want to use that? Yes, he wants to ensure that what he feels
for Ryoga remains once he 'balances out' - but the love the koi rod created
was nearly slavish in nature. Ranma was willing to die under its spell
before, which is quite a change of character for him. Not sure he'd want to
have to deal with that again - or want Ryoga under it as well. I dunno,
it's a good idea - and lends to a great title - but I've always found using
magical artifacts as a way through personal development as a bit of an easy
way out. Not that I wouldn't use The Amulet of Ultimate Studliness myself
if I found it, but still....
Dunno if this helps at all. Good story. I wasn't on the ML when it was
first posted - I caught it via the 'collected comments' thingy. Looking
forward to the revised version...
Later!
Mike Noakes
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