In a message dated 8/16/00 4:46:49 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
ronin_salsolo@hotmail.com writes:
Before getting on with the C&C, I should mention I've been enjoying this
one. The sharp momentary departures into Evanjellydonut-style humor are a
bit jarring, but I'm actually kind of liking them...so far.
As alt-unis go, this is pretty darn alt. The author is definitely setting
himself up to have a LOT of explaining to do, and by the end of chapter 4 we
still haven't seen any. But since these chapters have been pretty short so
far, I guess there's still hope...(:)
Evangelion: Honor's Duty
Maya looked around. This was her chance. The lab was completely
void of all personnel, save for herself and Ritsuko. Tonight, she could
finally ask her beloved Sempai to dinner!
Followed by dancing, a movie, and then a night of wild monkey sex -- oh,
wait, that's Garden of Eva. Never mind.
Taking a deep, calming breath, she strode forward, determination
echoing in her wake. "Sempa-"
"Doctor Akagi."
Maya eeped and skuttled backwards.
Good survival reflexes. Gotta feel sorry for poor Maya; all too often she
seems like the one whose presence no one ever notices...
"Oh, good. You're finally here, Commander Ikari."
Bad Ritsuko! You didn't even notice Maya talking to you. No doughnut.
Maya glumly went back to her station as the two began to talk
about giant bolts, Angel remains, and things that go *ping*. She began
to think dark thoughts.
`Damn, stupid, jerk Ikari.. always ruining my plans!` She grit
her teeth and groaned. "Oh, why must the world be such a cold, dark, and
lonely place? Why? Wh-"
*Riiing*
A lovely rant cut short by the bell.
Maya blinked at the phone. It responded by ringing at her again.
They DO tend to do that, I've noticed.
Muttering vague curses at, for, and about Gendou, she picked it up.
"Hello, Nerv, Lab B, sub-section twelve, level 14, box A, route fou- oh,
hell. What?"
Yep, this is a government operation.
"Give. Me. Ritsuko."
Maya blinked again. "Captain Katsuragi?"
"GIVE. ME. RITSUKO! NOW!"
Maya "Yipe!"ed, fell over backwards, and scrambled on all fours
over to where Gendou and Ritsuko had been absorbed in a few things,
hiding behind the blond doctor and pulling on her lab coat. "Sempai! I'm
scared!" She pointed at the phone in her hand as her commanding officers
gave her a blank look. "M-m-misato's mad about something!!" she
whimpered.
"Oops. Either she forgot her medication, or we're out of beer again.
Hopefully it's just the medication."
Ritsuko looked from her watch to the phone, and sighed. "'Bout
time.." She said as she took the offending object from her unnerved
assistant. "So, what's wrong, Misato?"
"YOU! WHAT'S THE BIG IDE-"
"Shinji will be staying with us, Captain. That's final."
"Us"??? Ritsuko and Misato are living together? I'll supress my hentai
reflex, and simply point out that, if this is so, both of them must be
somewhat less emotionally damaged than they are in canon -- I just can't see
them being housemates otherwise.
"..." She paused, "..but WHY?"
In the background, Shinji could be heard saying "{Really, I
don't mind at all.}"
"Quiet, you!"
For the record: I LIKE this Shinji. So far.
"Misato. We have jobs. We need to be at our jobs to save the
world. Not to mention earn money for your beer budget, right?"
"Of course! What els-"
"What else do we earn money FOR?"
Ritsuko cut in. "When Rei gets out of the hospital, she'll need
someone to look over her during the day, and we can't ignore our
responsibilities here! Shinji is the logical choice."
He's not going to be in school?
Misato's voice dropped down a bit. "But, Rei likes him! I can
tell. What if..?"
"They have sex? Do the wild thing? Enjoy themselves a bit?"
"Err.. yeah."
Wait, wait, WAIT! Misato as the prude, and Ritsuko as the, er, "liberated"
woman? What is this, role reversal?
Ritsuko ignored the glare Gendou was giving her. "As long as
it's of mutual consent, I don't mind."
"They're sixteen, for christsakes!"
Ritsuko sighed again. "They also hold the fate of humanity in
their hands. The world's continued existence is placed on their
shoulders. Who are we to tell them not to enjoy themselves during what
little time we may have left?" After a moment of silence, she continued.
"Face it captain. One or both of those kids may die during these trying
times. If they want to find happiness in each others arms, who the hell
are we to tell them no?"
I'm having NXE flashbacks, here.
"Yeah.. but.."
"But?"
"He's hitting on me!"
Ritsuko began to laugh.
As did the reader. Tee hee! An older, more confident, and more assertive
Shinji rooming with a more prudish, more mature and stable Misato. This is
going to be fun....
[_}~`\-/'~{_] Neon Genesis Evangelion: Honor's Duty
^ " ^ Stanza Four: Livin' La Vida Local.
They kill people for puns like that, you know.
As she closed her cel phone and turned to face a rather
nonplussed Shinji, Misato bowed slightly. "Err.. Sorry. I don't mean
that I don't want you with us.."
That should be "cell phone," I think.
"Funny," He said in a flat tone. "That's what it sounds like."
This Shinji isn't intimidated by anybody, is he?
"Ah heh heh.. Sorry.."
Shinji shrugged. "It's ok. I mean, you just met me twelve hours
ago, and.. who knows? I may be some kind of peeping tom or something."
"Are you?"
Shinji folded his arms, looking indignantly off to the side. "Of
course not! I have some honor, you know. I would never spy on anyone
without them knowing about it."
Wait a sec...that's a major loophole.
Misato, eyebrow raised, Hummed softly to herself. "Izzat
so?"
"Hummed" shouldn't be capitcalized.
"However," He continued, "if I make a dissembling remark in
passing that might be somehow construed as a declaration of peeping, and
you don't recognize it for what it is, that's your problem, right? I
meant, I _am_ an Ikari. Half-truths and mind games are our specialty."
Oh, GHOD! That was priceless!
More seriously, IIRC this Shinji grew up with Ranma Saotome for a foster
father. It seems he just might have picked up a teeny streak of Happousi
along the way...
Misato sweatdropped. "umn.. Glad to hear it. Now, come come, we
have stuff to buy for the party and we need to get you settled in." She
said, going around him and pushing from behind.
"I can walk, you know."
"But you look so statuesque!"
Not...gonna...touch...that one.
[_}~`\-/'~{_]
^ " ^
"What am I supposed to do..? How do I handle this..? I'm his
mom, but at the same time, I'm not!"
"..."
"It's just so confusing! I love him, but what can I do about it?
Isn't being with him, when it's me, like incest?"
"..."
So this Rei is aware of her genetic background? Very, very interesting.
And who is this she's talking too...?
"I mean, it might not come to it, but.. if I'm around him too
much.. you know, I may just.." she blushed, "And he may just.."
"..."
"..are you even listening to me?" Rei asked of her guest.
"..yes." came the emotionless reply.
Rei shuddered and leaned back into the hospital bed, her gaze
traveling from her guest, who was no better off than she was in physical
condition, to the bedside table, and the small white flower the other
girl had brought with her. "Thank you.. for the rose.. and for
listening.. I feel better now."
Her guest got to her feet, and strode quickly and silently
towards the door. She opened it with the hand not in a sling, stepped
through, and stopped -turning her bandaged head slightly. "If you wish
to be with him, then do so. Current standings belie any moral
assumptions you have on this matter.." She paused, turning to look at
Rei once more with a single crimson eye. "Do what makes you happy."
There shouldn't be a dash in "stopped -turning" -- that should be a comma.
"Kizuko.. I'll try."
Kizuko Ayanami, the second Rei, nodded once and closed the door.
Whoa...two Reis at once? One seeming fairly normal, the other closer to
canon (but still more talkative and assertive, judging from her words to
Rei). Now, the question is, are we looking at Rei II and III here? Or Rei I
and II? And why are they so different?
[_}~`\-/'~{_]
^ " ^
*Skreeeeeeeeeeee-Kerplunk!*
Yet another 90 degree parking job courtesy of Misato. Shinji,
who had yet to get used to such things, pulled his body from the door
and attempted to get out of the car. The door opened slightly, then
stopped.
Maybe "...peeled himself off the door..."
And perhaps "The door opened a few inches before hitting something."
"Misato?"
The older woman, who was already out and grabbing groceries,
stopped and looked over the trunk at him. "Yeah?"
"Too close to the wall."
Perfect exchange. Except I don't think you need to call Misato "the older
woman" here -- she's the only one around. Maybe "the captain," or "his new
housemate," or something.
She winced. "Oops, sorry. Ritsuko has her own car and I don't
ride with passengers much."
"I can tell.." Shinji said as he crawled through the driver's
side and to freedom. Car + Misato = Speedy 4-Wheeled Coffin.
"I can tell," Shinji said, as...
Shinji looked around himself. It was a nice high-rise apartment
complex, with the rooms built around an open rectangular courtyard, a
skylight twelve stories above. Each floor had 24 apartments, with a half
wall and guard rail on the upper level corridors. The courtyard had been
arranged so that it was part garden, part parking, and part snack shack.
"Shinji.." He turned to look at Misato. "Heads up!"
Double period after Shinji. Should be one, or maybe a "!"
One, two, three grocery bags were caught and he looked at her
blankly. "You could have asked me to carry them instead of throwing them
at me, you know."
"...Were caught" just doesn't seem right, to me. Should be a comma after
"caught" too.
"Just testing your reflexes."
He sighed, looking inside the bags he carried to the food
within. "And now I suppose you want to test my culinary skills, as well?"
"...to the food within" also doesn't ring quite right for me. Maybe just
chop that off?
The trunk clicked shut and Misato walked towards the apartment
complex, another three bags in her arms and Shinji in tow. "Well,
Ritsuko and I have an agreement.. she cooks and I clean. But, I'm sure
that if you want to fix dinner, she wouldn't mind." She stopped and
pressed the call button for the elevator, and it pinged open instantly.
She stepped inside.
Double period after "agreement" -- Should be a single, or perhaps a colon.
You could use a triple-period ellipsis, but I'm not sure how well that would
work.
And waited. "Arn't you getting on?"
"Aren't".
Shinji gave the elevator a dubious look. "I've been in one too
many metal boxes today. There's some stairs over there. What floor?"
Technically, that should be "There are," or "There're." But after all that
time with Ranma, I can see Shinji picking up some less-than-perfect speech
habits.
Feeling just a BIT claustrophobic, eh, Shin-kun?
"Are you sure you want to do that, Shinji?"
"Yes. What floor."
Either Shinji's being very flat-voiced here, or you need a "?"
"Tenth."
Shinji looked to the stairs. `Uh uh.. no way am I walking up
that many stairs.` He looked to the inside corner, and followed it with
his eyes up to the tenth floor, nodding. `I'll do it the fun way, then.`
He placed the bags into the elevator and smiled. "See you at the top."
The double period thing again. I thought it was a typo, but it seems
deliberate. Is this a punctuation convention I'm not familiar with?
Also, the description is a bit sparse (seems to be your style). "Looked to
the inside corner" of what? It's fairly obvious from context, but some
readers might find it jarring.
Misato sighed. "Well.. don't be too long about it.. I'm not
going to wait forever, you know. Apartment nine twenty two.."
The double period again. I'll quit harping on it, except to say that,
IMHO, you really should use something else. But that's just me.
Shinji nodded again, waiving as the doors closed on Misato. He
then ran for the corner, and leapt straight up, landing on the 2nd floor
railing, startling an elderly gentleman sitting across from it. Before
the old man could say anything, Shinji was gone, having jumped to the
third.
The 2nd sentence is kind of comma-heavy. I'd replace the last comma with
"...railing and startling..."
[_}~`\-/'~{_]
^ " ^
Ritsuko was about to swipe her key card through the reader and
unlock the front door when two things happened. One, the elevator gave a
pleasant *Bing*! as it opened, revealing Misato. Two, and more
surprising, Shinji suddenly landed on the guard rail directly across
from her. She watched him pause, then hop down and walk towards the
elevator, grabbing a handful of bags.
"...and unlock..." seems superfluous. You might consider just chopping off
the second half of that sentence.
The last sentence seems a bit ambiguous. Might want to cut out the "him
pause" part and get straight to the action. Otherwise, some readers less
discerning than myself (grin) might think that Ritsuko is the one hopping and
walking.
"Damn, you beat me," He said.
"he" shouldn't be capitalized, since the quote ended in a comma.
Ritsuko calmly walked over to the railing and looked down,
meeting the unbelieving stares of those who were looking up after the
young martial artist's passing. Misato did the same.
Shinji joined them a moment later. "Oi, whatcha lookin' at?
Oh.." He gave a sheepish grin to those below. "Err.. Sorry 'bout that.."
Oh, yeah, this kid's been with Ranma too long. I can't WAIT to see what he
does in his next Eva fight...
"Shinji.. You didn't.. jump up here, did you?" Asked Misato in a
small voice.
"you" shouldn't be capitalized...I think. Also, while capitalizing "Asked"
is technically correct, it looks kind of awkward. If it were me, I'd make
that "Misato asked..." But again, that's just me.
"Not from ground, no. Had to do it diagonally from floor to
floor, see.. I could have gotten here in one leap, if you lived on the
second or third floor, but.. err.." He stopped as both women gave him an
odd look. "What?"
Heh heh heh.
"Nothing. I need to sit down.." Ritsuko said, shaking her head,
while Misato opted for a more conventional saying.
"I need a beer.."
"I need a beer" is a more conventional saying than "I need to sit down"?
[_}~`\-/'~{_]
^ " ^
"So then.. this is our Enemy.." Fuyutsuki said in awe.
Gendou poked it with a stick. "Not so tough now, are you,
Sachiel?"
The Angel, being quite dead, couldn't tell Gendou to bugger off.
This Gendou is almost likeable...and THAT's scary.
"You there!" Fuyutsuki called to the tech crew above them. "How
goes the removal of the core?"
"Almos-" *ClunK* "Ok.. we are done."
"ClunK"?
And I'd make it "We're done." "We are done" just seems awkward, to me.
The large platform descended, and the techs made room for the
Commander and Sub-Commander. Gendou removed his gloves, pressing his
scarred hands against the warm, slick surface of the S2 organ.
"Excellent.. It is in almost perfect condition.."
So, this Gendou also pulled Rei (or Kizuko) out of a hot entry plug. Or
did he run into something totally other?
"Yes, save for the minimal amount of degradation due to the host
being deceased." Fuyutsuki agreed. He turned to one of the techs. "Is it
still active?"
"As near as we can tell, with the equipment and knowledge we
have.." she said, holding up a voltmeter and pressing the probes to the
S2 organ, "No sir, it is not. It seems to have gone into a type of..
stand-by mode, we think. No radiation or gasses are being released.. and
it's currently thirty two degrees Celsius, with a water content of 80%."
She gave it a look. "If it had stripes, I'd say it was a big
watermelon."
"And you can tell all that by using a voltmeter?"
She nodded. "It can even project an approximate hair loss ratio
due to stress and genetics. Wonder of modern technology, ain't it, sir?"
Fuyutsuki was sorely tempted to use it on his head, but was
saved by his master's call. "Yes'sir?"
<facefault> dammit, this fic was starting to seem
serious-with-a-leavening-of-silly, and then you drop in this chunk of
Evanjellydonut-class wackiness. It's like biting into a oatmeal cookie and
finding a chocolate chip.
Funny, though. Hey, Kouzo! I can recommend a good shampoo...
"Contact the third Nerv branch in the US.. and tell them to
expect a delivery."
"The third, sir..? Why not the second, in Germany? Some of our
top researchers are there. Or, why not just examine it here?"
"I am more concerned with what Seele would do if they had access
to research derived from this."
(Somewhere in Germany, a certain Kaji Ryouji sneezed. Keel
handed him a Kleenex. "Gezunhiet. Now, what was that about Unit One's
pilot?")
Ah, Kaji. Kaji, Kaji, Kaji. What role will *you* play in this alt, I
wonder...?
Fuyutsuki nodded. "Probably dance a jig."
"Indeed. A merry Irish jig, over our graves." Gendou slid his
glasses back up. "A condition neither of us want."
My ghod, Gendou cracked a joke. Almost. One of the Seven Seals just
cracked...
"Uh huh. But the Committee has spies in Nerv-Three as well."
"Yes, but they are American. And what do Americans do with
important information..?"
Fuyutsuki chuckled. "Blackmail you and keep quiet if you pay."
Damn straight! We Yanks are *honest* crooks -- we *stay* bought.
Professional ethics, don'tcha know.
"Exactly." He nodded to the techs as he pulled his gloves back
on. "Box it up."
The two turned and headed out of the containment bay.
"Gendou equals Genius."
"Why, thank you."
I dunno, that last exchange seemed a bit out of place, or at least too pat.
[_}~`\-/'~{_]
^ " ^
Shinji blinked. "It's a penguin."
"It's a plane...no! It's Superm -- oh, wait, it's just a winged Eva.
Never mind."
Ritsuko had slumped into an overstuffed chair in the corner next
to the TV, while Misato had hit the left fridge and gotten a beer before
plopping down on the spacious sofa. Shinji, after noticing the general
lack of room in the left fridge (50 gallons of beer?! I bet she likes
shrimp too..), had asked about the right one. Enter Pen-Pen.
"Ya!" Misato smiled, pulling the can of Yebisu from her lips to
speak, "He's an ex.. extremely rare, brand new hot-spas penguin!"
Ritsuko gave her a look, which Shinji missed. "His name's Pen-Pen, play
nice now."
"Wark!"
"Nice to meet you too.." Shinji shook his head, placing the bags
on the kitchen counter. Soon after, sounds of a meal being prepared
wafted through the house. Ritsuko sighed.
"This is nice.. a meal being made -and for once, I'm not the one
making it." The blonde scientist looked to the kitchen, and seeing
Shinji was out of hearing, leaned towards Misato, "Nice save.. Why
didn't you tell him the truth?" She whispered to her.
"She whispered to her" seems awkward. Maybe "...leaned towards Misato and
lowered her voice. "Nice save..."?
Misato snorted into her beer, giving her roommate an odd look.
"An jus what am I suppos' ta say?" Came the muffled reply, "Oi, Shin-
chan, our pet is an ex-science experiment turned lab rat who was drugged
and thrown in a garbage can before I saved his sorry ass?"
"jus" should be either "just" or "jus'..." depending on how you're trying
to protray Misato's speech pattern.
And now you've got me wanting more back-story on Pen-Pen. This seems like
a darker version of Misato's description from the manga -- now I'm going to
have to go back and re-read it.
By her side, Pen-Pen gave an indignant squawk and waddled back
into his fridge.
What's he got to be indignant about? Wasn't his fault.
"I'd hoped you could have put it in a slightly more tactful
manner, but.. more or less."
From the kitchen, amidst the periodic *Chopchopchop*ing,
Shinji's voice floated to them. "It doesn't matter to me where you got
him, having a penguin as a pet is kinda cool. Sorry to hear about his
past, though."
"You heard that?" Ritsuko had to laugh at the look of complete
disbelief plastered on Misato's face.
Saotome School of Anthing-Goes Eavesdropping!
A sharp hiss of a hot pan meeting cold food flared, followed by
"Of course I heard you." Then, "Hey, Ritsuko.. how's Rei?"
"You know, your daughter, the cute girl I've got the hots for? I'm looking
forward to collecting the traditional knight-in-shining-armor post-rescue
reward. Once she feels up to it, of course."
"super hearing or something.." Misato muttered as her friend
took over the conversation.
If you don't want to capitalize "super," you might want to put on a leading
ellipsis. I'm not sure how technically correct it is, but I've often seen it
done.
"Quite fine, she'll be home within the next few days. I think
Kizuko visited her this afternoon."
"Kizuko? Who's that?"
"The designated pilot of Unit Zero." Ritsuko answered.
All sounds of meal preparation stopped. Shinji came out of the
kitchen, a Wok in one hand, a spoon in the other, and a disgruntled air
about him. "...the.. what?"
Disgruntled? Why? Maybe I missed something in the earlier chapters?
Ritsuko, with a puzzled expression, repeated herself. "Unit
Zero's pilot."
"She doesn't happen to bear a strong resemblance to Rei, does
she?"
"They're sisters.." Misato told him, followed by a soft "more or
less.." That Shinji didn't hear.
Just how close ARE they in appearance? And age?
The young man turned to Ritsuko, "You have TWO kids?!"
"Err.. no.. I adopted Rei, Kizuko is your father's
responsibility.."
"Ade.. Ado.." Shinji breathed a sigh of relief, causing both
adults to look at him oddly. "Adopted! Heh, that's why you seemed young,
Ritsu.. You are available after all.."
Cue Akane Tendou/Saotome and her mallet....<grin>
"..."
"What?" He said, shifting uncomfortably under the older woman's
gaze.
"I think you're a bit young for me, Shin-Chan." She said,
stressing the 'chan'. Shinji sighed, and went back to finish dinner,
grumbling something about age and perceptions about women and not being
a kid. Misato groaned.
"And I thought he was only going to hit on me!"
Ritsuko began to laugh again as a disgruntled "I am now!" came
from the kitchen; followed closely by Misato's angry "Treat me like
second best, will you?" as she went after Shinji.
Oh, this is PERFECT! Your Misato/Shinji interactions are the humor high
points of this chapter.
`Things can only get stranger` Ritsuko mused as sounds of pain
wafted out to her.
Misato's beating up Shinji? Geez, add that to her legendary cooking
skills, and you gotta wonder if she's not related to Akane Tendo somehow...
--
David McMillan, Imagineer at Large.
Chief Systems Analyst and Integration Engineer, Exotic Technologies Division,
KUKA GmbH. Mecha and Weapons Design Specialist.
"Agent Mulder? My name is Neo. I believe I may be able to show you part of
the truth you've been searching for. I should warn you, however -- it's not
what you think."
--