Some C&C (I really should do this more often)
On 5 Sep 2000, Irene Ying wrote:
Here is chapter 3 revised. I decided not to fool around with
chemistry any more. Hopefully I remembered enough biology to not mess
up that part.
Probably for the best. If you want to do more chem, find someone to
consult who's knowledgable about it, it you're unsure. This isn't me,
mind you, but I'm sure there must be at least one chemist on the list.
"Hey, Ranma! Let's go!" She waved her books.
I'm difficulty reconciling this image. How exactly does one wave their
books? Perhaps the hand not carrying the books, but not books themselves,
unless they're the really thin kind.
Motsuko-sensei glanced at him. "I have a meeting today. I
forgot all about it. But I really have to talk with you.
Ah. . .wait in my room. Hindono-sensei will be there with
the weekly regional science club. You can stay there." He
Will you explain why he never shows up? Not that I think it's necessary
now, but at some point. I find it bad to leave loose ends like this.
"Kono onore. . ." Ranma muttered under his breath.
*sigh*
I know it's a popular tendancy to add 'realism' to a fic by putting
Japanese words in there, but to me, it's just damn annoying. Besides the
intellectual annoyance that stems from the knowledge that since the fic
should be translated, one shouldn't leave perfectly translatable words
hanging, it also tends to break the flow of a fic. Especially if one
doesn't know the meaning of the words.
I ought to write a fic with Spanish dialouge, sometime. Just some three
paragraph pointless scene fic, with Amei background music, Spanish
dialouge, with them visiting Algeria (instead of those endless boring
spontaneous visits to America, and the occasional Canadian one).
Gods, I have cheezy dialouge translating into Mandarin as we speak. Hurry
up and change it! ^_^
"Oh. . .um, no, Motsuko-sensei told me to wait here for
him." That was a surprise. Well, he'd spent two hours on
the chemistry report and thirty minutes on the biology one.
Switch the quote to the bottom of the paragraph. You might even want to
put Ranma's thoughts after the previous text, instead of this. By
context, it seems to imply that Motsuko asking Ranma to wait is a suprise,
not the report quality.
Ranma wanted to retch. "Uh, no thanks."
"But sir, it is only wafer thin!" ^_^
Ranma sat down in a desk, flipping through his math book
absently. There was a test tomorrow, and Ranma barely knew
the terms of that chapter.
Considering that 'term' itself is in the mathematics vocabulary, you may
wish to change it to something like '...knew what the chapter was
supposed to be about.'
"Konnichiwa, minna!" Himeko called cheerfully.
"Ranma," said Akane, voice full of passion, but speaking Chinese for some
odd reason, "Wo I ding huay deng ni."
("Hello" is just fine. More English, less Japanese!)
"Hindono-
sensei! I saw the most interesting thing the other day in
a magazine. Here, I brought the article. It's in my. . ."
The teacher took the paper, and read aloud "Lost Chapters of the Kama
Sutra: seven completely new illustrated positions were found..."
<snip romantic description>
"Saotome-san, o-genki desu ka?" She asked cheerfully.
Ranma was too surprised to say much.
Then she looked down. "I. . .as long as we're both here, I
want to apologize for hitting you in the park. It was
completely out of line and very rude of me. Sumimasen."
She bowed low to him.
Um...what happened to the article? The whole time, the teacher has been
standing there, waiting for the article.
"Deep breaths. Control yourself," she thought sternly.
Why are you quoting thoughts here, and not earlier?
"Water first, THEN acid," Himeko explained. "Acid and
water can react. And when you have something strong like
*that* acid, it's very dangerous. Reversing the order, and
just dumping the water in. . .that's why it reacted." She
brushed her bangs out of her eyes and glanced at the table.
The beaker was tipped over and acid was beginning to eat
through the tabletop.
You know, it occurs to me that this is quite strong of an acid for high
school.
Himeko laughed. "It was entertaining, and it wasn't
intentional." She tilted her head. "If people mess up on
purpose, then I *really* get mad. But you didn't know what
was going on. Dakara. . ." She smiled.
Dikatana? I've heard of that computer game! Oh, wait, more Japanese
words I don't know, huh? ^_^
"To create this stuff," Himeko said. She showed him a dish
of small white crystals. "And I've just finished."
"Want them? C'mon, the first hit's free!"
"Omedetou gozaimasu!"
Bless you. ^_^
clapped again. The other students were beginning to stare,
but the two ignored them
Period at the end.
Himeko nodded. "That's. . .what I believe too." She was
blushing. "Please, don't think that I'm too forward," she
said frantically. "But I agreed with you. . .I couldn't
help myself. I hope you don't mind."
Ranma laughed. "Why should I? It's the exact same way
that I feel."
Himeko grinned. "That's good!" She thought for a moment,
searching for another topic of conversation. "What else do
you like to do?"
"Hmm. . .I like to read manga, and movies are nice once in
a while, but. . .no, just that."
"Well, how about. . ."
I personally think that people who complain about the ellipsis on the
basis that it is not technically correct should stop. However, I also
don't believe in repetition. You're using it too much here.
"Oh." Ranma looked down and smiled. So, Akane _did_ have
some appreciation for his skills. "What high school *do*
you go to?"
"I go to. . .
"...elementary school! Wai! Wai! WAAAAAAIIIII!"
(Sorry. I was bored this afternoon)
"Ja, Himeko-san."
Himeko stood were she was. Did he just call her Himeko-
san?
Yes, he did. What's the significance of this, anyway?
Usually she liked to eat shabu-shabu, but she wasn't hungry
at all.
What is shabu-shabu? Sounds like one of those cat-girl anime names. Nuku
Nuku, Bellu Bellu, Shabu Shabu...
"Good. Itte kimasu!"
"Bu yao sau tsai jien, wo de shin ai de huang di-dz." said Akane, with a
sad smile.
This time, it wasn't working too well. Himeko's hands were
still trembling, and her heart was still going too fast.
Her heart has been going like this for that long? Gee, she should cut
back on those stims.
Her hair fell, brushing almost to her waist.
She found a hairbrush and considered brushing her hair, but
decided against it.
At night? Right before bed? Is this generally done?
"The integral is. . ."
Himeko threw the book down on her bed.
"Bah! Simple plans, for simple minds! I shall unleash upon Ranma, a
horror that is like no other, and he shall kneel before my mathematical
might and glory, as I prove the Poincare conjecture! WAHAHAHAhahahaha..."
No? Well, I tried...
"Oh, darn it, I left. . .I left that book at Furinkan," she
thought with a sigh. "Ah, well, it wasn't a textbook or
anything. Just a manga. . .I can live without it." She
tried to focus on the chemistry.
Meanwhile, back an the Tendo residence...
"What's this?" wondered Ranma, as he searched through his schoolbag. "A
manga, called Ranma 1/2? And it has Akane crossed out and Himeko written
in all over the place?!"
Ranma confronted his newfound friend about it the next day, and after she
revealed the truth, they were immediately married by the willy biology
teacher who had planted the manga, so that Ranma would grow an interest in
science. The new couple proceeded to boink each other senseless.
Akane, saddened, turned to the arms of P-chan for consolance, and they
married until it was discovered that Akane was also having an affair with
Ryouga. The end.
(I did mention that I was bored this afternoon, didn't I?)
"Na. . .sodium. I. . .indium? No. . .iridium. Himeko,
you idiot. What's wrong with you?" she slapped her own
forehead.
Ranma.
"No, Radium! Argh!"
Why did her whole school treat her like a statue?
Dunno. Maybe it was her habit of standing still and saying "..." for long
periods of time. ^_^
Ranma went to his room and pulled out his chemistry text.
After Himeko's crack about re-reading his book, he'd taken
her seriously. After all, she had seemed very interested
in science. He figured that it couldn't hurt to see just
what fascinated her so much. He'd spent the walk home
reading his biology book, and barely made it in tome for
dinner.
It occurs to me that he should have, in theory, read the chem book first.
Still, considering that this is a fic, and that the supper scene depends
on him having read the bio book, I think it's okay as it stands.
The current chapter was genetics,
which Ranma had some trouble with, but it wasn't so bad
either.
He's damn lucky. I never got into bio, because my mother did
microbiology, and so I knew what we were missing out on. I'd have been
perfectly happy to learn about phages, or such in high school, but we got
to learn about food chains and FDA approved serving sizes instead. With
curriculum like that, who could ever be interested in bio?
"Yoshi," Akane said. "Here's problem one. . ."
"Wa!" cried the green lizard starring in many popular Nintendo games, as
he spit out the shell he'd licked earlier, and prepared for the test
tomorrow.
Thanks for your patience in reading through this. If you have *any*
C&C, please email them. ^_^
See! You asked for it yourself!
Okay, seriously for a moment. I usually hate ANC fics, but this isn't
bad. I don't know why I like this one, but whatever it is, keep it up.
What you should NOT keep doing is the random Japanese, which really does
interfere with the flow of the fic. I understand that there may be some
concepts that are tied to the language, with no good translation into
English available, but I highly doubt that this is usually the case in
this fic.
Be careful not to overuse the ellipsis. Like the exclaimation mark, it
looses it's value when seen too often (at least, that's how I find it).
Didn't find too many loose ends, except with that article thing, but I
wasn't really looking either.
Seriousness over.
"Ku shr, wo gang tsai can dow ne ching Ukyou!" cried Akane.
"Guei ching le!" angrily retorted Ranma, frustrated by her accusations.
Akane pressed on, heedless of his words. "Jo shi ne dzen ai nuri har pay
fu ni wu ti to di..."
-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble. A few more shots, then
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode. Ducking around a corner,
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of
my Anime supplier.
One look at his face and I knew that I had been betrayed. "Tell me,"
I insisted. He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance. Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao," he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...