In a message dated 9/7/00 10:28:43 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
ark70d@mizzou.edu writes:
Just a few comments about Girl Days 17.
Just a few, he says. ^_^
First of all, I find it rather odd that you build up Kuno's role and
then
peter it out in the end. I think he should have a bit more of an active
role
than just rightly thinking that he shouldn't get near the Tendou household.
Hmm... an interesting point.
Either that, or not make him the centerpiece of the chapter. Since the
action
seems to focus more on Mousse & Ryouga than Onna-Ranma, et. al. you should
have
focuses the story on them.
I DID focus the story on them... the Kuno thing was, in this chapter, what I
considered a Running Gag. Maybe it limped more, a bit...
Secondly, I'd check out your grammar. When I read the story out loud,
there
were a few places that didn't seem to sound right. But, I'm no grammar
expert,
so I'd just suggest you look over your story a bit.
Well, I DO have what some have called a quirky turn of phrase. As best as I
can tell, the grammar is correct, if not always the common usage...
As for Helga, it seems that she's nothing more than a Shampoo clone
even
through you made her sound like she's a bit different, particular with
"Girl
Days 16" in mind. And she's a Chinese Viking, right? So, shouldn't she
have
a
hint of a Norwegian dialect? I don't recall reading a "ya" or something
like
that. I also think she should have some differences that makes her stand
out
against Shampoo.
They have lived in China for some 1600 years, and so have only a few phrases
in Norse left in the language. Herring is one of them ^_^.
Otherwise, it's not bad, but not as good as your earlier work. I'm
hoping
Girl Days 18 will be even better.
I admit that I'm not a proud of this chapter myself... but 18 will, I hope,
be a bit less... or maybe more... incoherent.
Robert Haynie Jr. Seller of strange and useless real estate to innocent
youma. "Yo, Mister monster? Want to buy the Tokyo Tower cheap?" And then
he calls Sailor Moon before he can get sued...