"Small Pink Mouse" <mangaaddict@hotmail.com> wrote:
Another Example of Fusions That Should Never See The Light
of Day
(With apologies to D.B. Summers)
That's "Sommer."
by Small Pink Mouse
"Shampoo! what are you doing in *that* bathing suit ^_^;?"
How exactly do you pronounce "^_^;"?
Don't take shortcuts like this. If whoever's speaking (which, BTW, would
be nice to know) is making a particular facial expression, describe it.
The purple haired maiden shrugged, "Shampoo lose at
shrugged.
(Period, not a comma. She's not shrugging the line of dialog -- just
shrugging.)
'Bullets and Bracelets' because she grab bullets out of air
instead of bothering with stupid bracelets, and lose
marathon contest as well, but lasso duels and pankraton
What's pankraton?
bouts were both won by her, and tie was broken when Diana
Prince try to draw to an inside straight. Shampoo really
not like getting Kiss of Death from her but what can you do?
Heh.
As for the prizes...Well, stupid lasso not really do
When a speaker continues speaking through two or more successive
paragraphs, use opening quote marks in every paragraph but no closing
quote mark until the end. For example:
"Blah, blah, blah.
"Furthermore, blah and blah.
"And oh yeah, lastly, blah."
Generally if this happens, it's a warning sign that your fic might be
too talky -- which I think is the case for this one. More about this
below.
"Well *I* think it looks good on you Princess!",
you, Princess!"
(Set a name or other form of address off by a comma in dialog. Also,
don't double-punctuate; if you use !, drop the ,)
declared Ranma quite loyally. One effect of spending time
with the American pilot that Shampoo had brought back was
that he had learned new techniques of talking to girls that
got him hit less often and somehow talking to Shampoo this
way after she'd brought him the "Drowned Male" water just
felt - right! This "Martial Arts Sweetalking" that Steve
Trevor was teaching him was really pretty good
I really doubt that Ranma would be better off doing that. He'd probably
sweet-talk one of his ladies and the others would pound him for it. :)
(Although he was still sceptical of Mr. Trevor's claims
that it would put female martial artists at his mercy!).
Again, don't double-punctuate. Get rid of the period if you're going to
use the exclamation point.
Akane glared at the both of them feeling a bit left
out. How dare that brazen hussy parade around like that
and how dare that baka play up to her? It was quite
obvious that it was time to scare Ranma into a sense of
duty and remind him who the True Fiancee really was. She
thought about the cheetah outfit that she had seen in a
costume store and decided to make use of that.
Some amusing moments in this one -- probably too silly for a full-length
story but fine for a spamfic. But overall, too talky for my tastes.
Basically nothing is shown actually *happening* in this fic --
everything is either described after the fact, or just planned out. Try
to actually *show* some of the story. If nothing else, you could
describe Shampoo entering and people seeing her new costume, or Akane
actually going to the store and buying the cheetah outfit.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html