I know I'm insane, you don't need to tell me.
... and there's no need to tell us, Leif.
I suppose it is obvious....
{When writing silly or unexpected crossovers, insanity tends to add
to
it, so I would say that is a good thing.}
Most of my favourite authors seem to be somewhat warped. It's
definitely not a bad thing.
Yes, Now I have an excuse.
Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 Belongs to Rumiko Takahashi, Spaceballs belongs
to... I dunno, Mel Brooks? Anyways, their not mine. I'm borrowing
them
without permission for my own, non-commercial uses.
Besides, Mel Brooks (or whoever) did it first ...(and for commercial
use too).
And so we have a fanfic that is a crossover with a parody, which is
actually quite ambitious, Leif. You have to add your crossover gags
without spoiling the original parody.
Big challenge. BIG.
Dedicated to: Gnu Be
The Authors Must be Crazy
by Leif Johnson
{I like the title, but the obvious pun on "The Gods Must Be Crazy"
seems to
have nothing to do with a Ranma/Spaceballs crossver or the story of
this
particular fic so far.}
True, Akihiro, but can you think of a good title that would fit;
besides, say, "Hairballs" or something?
Hey, that's a pretty good one.... heh heh....
<snip>
The man with a yellow and black bandanna
that, for some reason, he had begun wearing fully over his head,
{This brings on two different mental images to me. One of Ryouga
with his
bandana tied gangster style over his head, the other with it tied
under his
chin like a bonnet. While both are quite amusing, I can't >help but
wonder
which you intended.}
I'd say that the intended mental image was of Ryouga going bald and
trying to keep it under cover.
Bingo.
turned and glanced down at the man busily working on his terminal.
"Yes?" he inquired.
The man looked up at him and blinked. "I
didn't say anything," he said, creasing his brow.
"Yo! Colonel! Over here!" the man shouted
>from behind Hibiki.
{Okay, you used "the man" for the guy at the at th computer. It may
be
kind of confusing to some for "the man" to suddenly be behind him.
Recommended: "another man shouted..."}
He turned and glanced around at the other men, an embarrassed look on
his face.
He quickly regained his posture and said,
"Yes?"
{The word "posture" doesn't feel right in this context. I would try
"composure" instead.}
"You told him," he said pointing at another man, "to tell
him to tell him to tell him to tell me to tell you when we were
approaching planet 'Do-idia."
"So?" Hibiki asked, shrugging.
"We're approaching planet 'Do-idia."
{Heheh.}
"Oh." Hibiki scratched his head and
glanced out a view port. "Of course."
Suddenly, klaxons blared and a trumpet fanfare was heard.
Lights flashed and a holographic helmet flickered around the ceiling
before disappearing.
"All rise in the presence of Thunder
Helmet," Colonel Hibiki said, not-so-proudly. The door at the end of
the
room began to rise slowly, revealing a tall man standing there,
dressed
in a blue and black Kendo outfit with a black cape dragging on the
floor. An enormous samurai helmet sat atop his head, with a visor
that
had one-way glass covering his face.
{It's just scary how well Kunou and Dark Helmet merge together!
Great
job!}
Casting Kuno as Darth Vader is quite common in the Ranma/Star Wars
crossovers that I've read, but he _really_ works as a Dark Helmet.
I can't see Kuno as Darth Vader. He's just too stupid, careless, and
delusional.
<snip>
So saying, he popped up the top and sloshed some water over Idiot.
Idiot
gasped as he felt the dreaded transformation wash over him. He
slapped
his hands to his crotch and let out a tortured scream.
{This doesn't feel right to me. I realize this is most definitely an
alternate universe, but Kunou is still Kunou and he couldn't figure
out
about curses when it was demonstrated right in front of him. Having
him
use a curse as punishment, while amusing, doesn't seem plausible.}
Nor does it quite work. Wasn't the original Spaceballs' gag at this
point of Dark Helmet using the Schwartz to squeeze ... a bit lower
than
Darth Vader used the Force. Replacing it with Jusenkyo Spring Water
spoils the original gag.
In keeping with the hair-fetish of the rest of the fic, Leif, you
might
do better to have Kuno draw his bokken and "strike-strike-strike" the
Poor Idiot bald - a truly horendous fate and it would establish why
Thunder Helmet is feared. (Anyone can pour water.)
That was the biggest challenge. What to replace the shwartz with.... I
WILL change that in the re-write, garunteed. But it's a mystery! Ha!
Hibiki smiled and shook his head. The
discovery of the Spring of Drowned Eunuch had done wonders for
discipline, as well as striking terror into the hearts of planets
everywhere. That is, if planets possessed hearts. Hibiki scratched
his
carefully covered head. He would have to have someone look into
that...
Thunder Helmet turned to face Colonel
Hibiki. "Now that that poor, foolish idiot has been taken care of,
how
much closer to Planet 'Do-idia are we?"
Hibiki shrugged and gestured to the exit.
"You'd have to check the radar."
{Hibiki: Right this way. <Takes Thunder Helmet by the arm and drags
him out the door>
An hour later...
Thunder Helmet: Colonel Hibiki! Are you certain the radar is
located
in the ship's galley?
Hibiki: Oh, is that where we are? Then it must be right this way...
Thunder Helmet: Forget it! We have to find our way back to the
bridge
in time for our next scene!}
Or Leif could have had Ryouga lead him to the Mr. Coffee machine
instead. Then to Mr. Snackbar, Mr. Sandwich, Mr. ... and eventually
finding Mr. Radar only after visiting every other near identical
machine on the ship.
Hmmm.... excellent.... but then you'd get all the credit....
"Daddy," Princess Vexed said anxiously to
her father, who was decked in the finest velvet and silk dougi in the
land. "Do I really have to do this?"
{That transition was kind of sudden. You might want to use something
to
divide sections of your story. I use *** with a double-space before
and
after, but you need to find what suits you best. Just a suggestion.}
And a very good suggestion it is, Akihiro. Please do something to
indicate a scene break, Leif.
Will do...
King Tendo nodded. "Of course! He's the
only prince left, and you have to marry a prince! Besides, his family
owns the largest hair-care company in the galaxy."
"But I don't want to!" she cried
indignantly, stamping her foot. A faint cracking sound could be
heard.
{Akane doesn't stamp her feet, she stamps peoples' heads.}
"Ve... vexed...." Tendo said, tears
welling up in his eyes...
{Yes, she seems to be.}
"You HAVE to!" As he said the last bit, he burst into tears. "The
school
of Anything-Goes Hair Styling must go on!"
Vexed sighed and rolled her eyes in an
irritated manner. King Tendo swiftly recovered and called for the
droid
of honor. "Hot! Hot Babetress!"
{I'm sorry, but that name is just corny.}
Yes, but so was Dot Matrix, the original character's name. What
can you do to make fun of that?
No kidding. Just try it. "Bot Mistress?" Noooo......
<snip>
{Yes, the dreaded "Un-'Do"! 'Do-idia's version of capitol
punishment!}
Vexed shuddered, reaching back and feeling her own short
hair. "No, not again. He wouldn't be able to deal with it."
Ahem, you messed up another of Spaceballs' gags, Leif, and this one
would have gone perfectly with yours. You should have had Vexed reach
up to her hairdo, which was coiled up like two bagels attached to the
side of her head, and detached them, revealing that they were actually
headphones disguising the ultimate humiliation (on 'Do-idia) of a bad
cut.
I like the 'hide-the-haircut' idea. I don't want the story to be
identical, just similar.
<snip>
{This may just be me, but I have no idea what a "Flairmobile" is. Is
it
something like the RV that Lone Star had on the real Spaceballs? I
would think more detailed descriptions are in order.}
It's not just you, Akihiro, I've no idea what a Flairmobile is either.
(Then again, I had no idea what a Weinebaggo was either.)
Ah, it's just another brand of motorhomes.
a young man was asleep at the wheel. It's not such a big issue in
space,
as there's not really much to run into. He was awaken from his
slumber
by the ringing that signaled an incoming video call.
{"awakened"}
Try: "awoken"
^
"Pop..." he muttered, shaking his head. "Pop!" he called, louder.
In the back of the Flairmobile, a panda
was practicing a kata in a small room with posters of Ling-Ling all
over
the walls. He had the word "Belch" dyed into the fur of his chest.
{Two things here. First, is the panda body just a curse & Genma
really
is still Ranma's father? If not, you may want to have Ranma actually
call him 'Belch' instead of 'Pop'. Second, the only Ling-Ling that
comes to mind off hand is Lung-Lung's sister (Linlin and Ranran for
those prefering Japanese names), and I think Happousai is the only
person in the Ranmaverse that is etchi enough to plaster his walls
with
picures of little girls. You may want to be more specific if I'm
incorrect here.}
My guess would be that Belch is Lone Stallion's royal father
incognito,
fitting somewhat in with Spaceballs' plotline. If so, he still would
probably be called Belch by L.S. in public, but maybe not in private.
All will be revealed.... <cackles ominously>
Hearing the boy's voice call him from the front of the bus, he
stopped
and grunted in frustration. He lumbered up into the cockpit and
flicked
the "Receive" switch.
The image of a tanned man in large red
sunglasses and a small palm tree on his head appeared. [Whoops,] the
Belch's sign read. [Wrong switch.]
"'Ey, troublemakahs, 'ow you doin'?" the
man greeted cheerfully.
"Whatta ya want, Ninny?" the boy inquired impatiently.
{Definitely fits! I have always thought that Kouchou was a ninny.}
"Oh, but it not 'bout what I wan', it what SHE wan',"
Ninny said, pointing to the side. The view scrolled over to reveal a
woman sitting on a pile of velvet cushions with a wine glass in her
hand.
{You might try making a new paragraph after "pointing to the side" as
it
is in reference to a different source of action. If you said "Ninny
scrolled the view to reveal..." it might work as one paragraph.}
"BAKA THE HUTT!" the boy exclaimed,
Belch's sign bearing the same message.
"That's BIKI!" the woman shouted, then her
eyes widened as a hair flew out of place.
{*chuckle* You find all the right spots for these, that's for sure.}
And here's a case where Leif's gag replaced the "Pizza the Hutt" gag
perfectly. Twice even.
You're too kind.
<snip>
I dunno. I liked original the "jamming the radar" gag, and having
Lone
Stallion use a chi-blast before learning to use the Shwartz (or
whatever) messes up your continuity, but this does fit well with
the "only *one* man would have the arrogance to..." used later in
Spaceballs.
I can't re-use ANY of the gags. Not one. So, "jamming" is out. (When I
first saw it, I saw that one coming a mile away.)
<snip>
*Fwip* [-DA]
"Oh," Vexed said tonelessly. As Hot began
climbing out, she said, "Well, if you're not doing anything, bring my
bags, will you?" The panda sighed wearily.
Awe, no "I'm a pan: half panda, half man" joke? (Although, "I'm a
manda," might have worked better.)
See above. I didn't really thing the mog joke was THAT funny.
Lone Stallion glanced backward and jerked
in surprise. Belch was carrying several boxes and bags, and the
strain
on him was obvious to Stallion's highly-trained eye. All the signs
were
there; tripping over the tongue, eyes protruding four inches,
dripping
with sweat, shaking legs, and the wooden sigh reading, [HE-HEAVY!!]
Why would he write down a stutter? Also, if he can't speak, how can
he
trip over his tongue?
Perhaps a nearly-incoherant scribble would be better. Besides, he's
written down stutters before. As to tripping over his toungue with out
speaking? Easy, he just steps on it.
"What the heck is that?" he exclaimed,
watching as Belch collapsed under the bags with a crunching sound.
[The princess's luggage,] Belch answered,
the writing barely legible.
"Jeee-zus! ALL that junk?" Stallion
muttered, flipping the intercom switch. "Listen up!" he called
arrogantly, "I'm the captain of this ship, and I say that that
baggage
is a hazard to my patience. It's going."
In the rear, Vexed glowed brightly. "How
DARE you say that! That's MY luggage and it STAYS!"
"The ship steers like a beached whale with
that junk in here!" Stallion shouted. "It's not stayin' here long..."
he
searched his mind for a proper way to address her. "...Tomboy!"
"TOMBOY!?" Vexed fairly screamed. "I'll
show YOU tomboy, you..."
"Easily, no doubt," Stallion retorted.
{I have no problem imagining this conversation between Ranma and
Akane.
Well written.}
Except that a Tomboy wouldn't be hung up on luggage; that's pure
Druish
Princess. Now, if she were to bring along her weights and excercise
equipment...
<whistles casually>
"Grrr..." Vexed ended the conversation by
punching in the intercom. Hot stared at her with wide eyes.
"That not good for health," she remarked
sagely.
{Transition. And you may want to specify exactly what ship you're
referring to in this next sentence since we've seen at least three
now.}
In a large room located near the bottom of
the ship, a large dishonor guard was standing around Thunder Helmet,
watching alertly as the princess's car slowly rose up through a
docking
hatch in the floor. The men could practically FEEL the arrogant and
victorious expression on Thunder Helmet's face, much to their pride.
They could also SMELL what he had eaten for lunch, much to their
anguish.
"Princess Vixen," he started, stepping
forward. One of the men looked like he was about to say something,
then
apparently stopped. "Thou art no doubt marveling at the skill we have
presented in capturing thou. Our clever scheme to take thy planet's
supply of hair is truly the greatest ever devised! None can defy the
FACE- ah- Fa- um..." he faltered, glancing around. "...Us."
Is "Vixen" Kuno's pet name for Vexed? I can easily see him coming up
with something like that, but he'd make a bigger production of using
it.
No, it's just idiocy.
<snip>
I liked it too, Leif. My biggest nitpick is that you spoiled, or
glossed, over some of Spaceballs' gags, although some of the
replacements you used elsewhere worked well. Overall it's a nice
piece of light entertainment so I'm looking forward to seeing the next
part.
That's all is was meant to be.
_________________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com